#  95

I received some more bad news today.  It is funny how time seems to stand still for just a minute as you process what was said.  My PET showed that I have a slight increase of activity in my liver and in a couple lymph nodes in my belly.  The doc was not happy and so I will probably have to change chemo's again next week.  Even though it was "slight" he doesn't want any growth at all and neither do I.

Ben and I were actually very calm and talked of the next chemo that I will need to take and discussed our plans from here.  The doctor walked out and I looked at Ben and asked if he was okay, and just started crying.  I know who holds my hand or better yet holds me in His hands but it is hard to ride this roller coaster.  I have no fear of dying and thinking of Heaven is exciting to me but, when I think of the Lord taking me home now not later....I just think of my family and I almost can't breath.  Then I get mad at myself for getting emotional because He has brought me through soooo much!  If He wanted to take me home I have had so many close calls!!  So then I go back and read and remind myself of His promises.  He is here with me....thank-you, Father!  I can't do this without Him...it is much to hard.  Some nights I ask God why, or how much longer?  But I can't ask that anymore I have to ask for strength and know that even though I don't want to go through it any more, He is still allowing me to go through it, so I will endure.  If He didn't give me His strength every day, I just wouldn't be here.

So I'm looking at the list of side effects of the new chemo and I start crying and just say, I can do this Father, because You are with me and give me strength, I'm holding on for dear life Lord, because I trust You....I love You, Father!!

I'm reminded of the song I sang Sunday morning by Twila Paris, it has become a personal testimony and I can hear the Lord's gentle whisper reminding me of its words....

Hard as it seems, standing in dreams
Where is the dreamer now
Wonder if I wanted to try,
Would I remember how
I don't know the way to go from here
But I know that I have made my choice
This is where I stand, until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice

This is the faith, patience to wait
When there is nothing clear
Nothing to see, still we believe
Jesus is very near
I cannot imagine what may come
But I've already made my choice
This is where I stand, until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice

Could it be that He was only waiting there to see,
If I will learn to love the dreams that He has dreamed for me

Can't imagine what the future holds
But I've already made my choice
This is where I stand, until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice

Thank-You Father, I do trust You.

#  94

I need to share my physical therapy experiences.  I saw my radiologist a couple weeks ago and prescribed physical therapy because the steroids had caused my scar tissue to harden under my skin which apparently only happens to 10 percent of patients.  So I start physical therapy and discover that what needs work is my scar tissue which requires her to use those awful scrapers (like a windshield scraper for ice).  But what I didn't know was that my quadriceps have tightened up because of my scar tissue soooo the physical therapy has been two fold.  Work out the scar tissue with the scrapers and pull and rub my thigh till I cry.

Well that is just what happened.  I went to PT and she scraped me and rubbed me till I was crying.  but when I got home ... my knee was swollen and hurting so bad I couldn't walk on it.  It happened like this for the next 4 visits and the last visit on Friday John Allen went with me.  We got there at lunch time and everyone had gone except for my therapist.  So I warmed up and then went back to "the room".  It was the worst PT yet and I realized as I was leaving that Allen probably heard me in there.  So when I got in the truck I asked him if he heard me. He said yes and that it sounded like I was in a torture chamber.  Yeah, needless to say I am thankful that it is getting a little better after every session. Today I took some oxycodone before going to therapy and it helped, I still cried but at least it is getting better.  All of this to say it has been a hard three weeks, lots of pain, not much sleep and even having to use a cane.  I can't tell you how discouraging a week of lying on the couch with my leg up and iced can make you feel.  You watch your house get dirtier and dirtier and the chaos and laundry...yeah it gets crazy stressful.

I find that I spent a lot of time praying and He reminded me that He has never left me.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  So I go to PT knowing that my Father is holding my hand and that He will get me through.  Thank-you, Father, I love you!!