Blog #22

I have been really emotionally tired for the last month and a half. It has been hard to be in the hospital eating what I don't need to eat and drinking what I know is bad for me. Even the pain meds were hard to take because I know how they affect my body. Then just when I start to feel better I get a sinus infection. (which means no dives till it's done) Then I get my ovaries out and have a body full of gas that can't go in a chamber till it is out of my body and not causing me pain. So this week I am finally back to my full regime. It feels like my muscles have atrophied down to jello and I am stupidly weak!! Try not to get discouraged? Well, on top of that I feel like I am keeping my children from living their lives and I don't want them to grow bitter with me or resentful. My husband has the church on his shoulders, his family and me.....he tries not to let me see his stress, but I know him.....and I try not to let him see my stress, but he knows me! Vicious circles! And I know the devil is trying to fan the flames as much as possible!

My middle son got a job, my youngest is in high school, and my daughter is my personal driver and assistant. I don't know what I would do without any of them, they all help in one way or another. I know my Father is with me, I can feel His presence and I know every tear I cry He knows and holds in His hands. I find that I need Him more everyday and I know He wants to go through this with me, and for me not to carry it alone. How do I thank Him? I hope I can live in a way that honors Him, but even if He calls me home, I will still love Him!!

I read "The Shack" last Tuesday. My brother called and asked me to read it. I know I am behind the times....that seems to be how I do things. I don't really follow the crowd, ever....so I am behind in reading this book. But, I truly loved it!! I have never read a book that shows the love of God so thoroughly!!!! Maybe others will read it and draw closer to Him and figure out that He loves them too. I hope so!

So now I am back in my full routine of vitamins, herbs, enzymes, veggie juicing, hyperbaric dives, and coffee enemas. I am tired but getting stronger. We seem to get what we need when we need it and no sooner. But God always provides!! He is sooo good to me! I just pray for strength, and plenty of it!! It is His strength that I need because mine is truly not good enough!! And I truly hope people are praying for my husband! He truly carries more than he should.