BLOG #42

My journey has take a quick and difficult U-turn. Three weeks ago they had a song service at our church to help with everything I'm doing naturally. It was an incredible service and you could feel the Spirit there so strongly. At the end of the service they laid hands on me and prayed for healing. I went home that night feeling encouraged and hopeful. But the next morning brought pain to the extent that I couldn't go to work. I stayed home that whole week with pain in my right hip and Ben said "Enough is enough. Call the doctor." So the next Tuesday I went to see the doctor and he scheduled an MRI for the fallowing Monday. I went two weeks without work and in a lot of pain and that's when I found myself in the presence of the Lord. For those of you who know me you know that my personality type is one who likes to have a say in the matter. I had two weeks with no children or husband around, just me and God. It was truly treasured times. His presence was so over whelming that I felt like one of the disciples in the boat during the storm while Jesus was sleeping. I wanted so much to calm the storm and contribute my two cents worth, but He said "Sweet heart, this is mine."

I needed to be content no matter what was going on. And the arrogance of myself to think I might have a say in how I should be healed. He is the potter, I'm just the clay. When I finally let go and trusted him on a whole other level, this cancer took on a whole new aggression.

I went from being able to do everything by myself to being in so much pain I can hardly walk across the room. My results showed that the cancer had gone from my bones to my marrow. The pain tripled instantly and my tumor maker numbers tripled as well. My husband and I quickly realized that for what ever reason, God is ready to take me home.

As soon as I found out the results that night I started to loose control of my bowels. I have numbness in my right cheek and thigh and have a hard time telling when I need to go to the bathroom. I wasn't expecting such fast symptoms but as soon as I had peace about God being in control, everything came over me like a tidal wave. I wish there was some way to keep my children from seeing the pain that I'm in but in a way I realize that they will be happy that my pain will be gone.

I truly have a peace that passes all understanding and I have no fear about going home. I know I'll see my family again and that gives me joy that is indescribable. The only thing that is frustrating at the moment is the pain medicine that keeps me loopy. If you look in my eyes they look glassy from being drugged up. That.... I HATE! But if I don't take the pain meds my family gets to see a crying and in pain mom, and that's not cool.

So I am going on Monday to try and radiate my hip and pelvic bone to give me some pain relief. I hope it works. I will try to keep every one updated daily so everyone will know how I'm doing. I appreciate the prayers but I appreciate the Father even more. He's been with me every step of the way. It's His hands that I feel around me and His peace I feel. It's nice to know that when I walk through those doors, it's His face that I'll get to see.