Blog #50

Life on the other side of treatments is so difficult to put into words. I have good days and bad days, thank the Lord there are more good than bad, and wonderfully, the bad aren't real bad! I have swelling in my right leg more than my left so it gets more stiff and it stays larger than my left. There are days where I can feel it catching a nerve, or pinching it and it makes walking and sitting uncomfortable. But it has yet to slow me down. Why share this? Because as I have stated before, it truly is a mental battle. I can feel the devil constantly attacking my mental state of being. How I feel mentally truly effects everything I do all day long and when I don't start my day giving God control of my mental state....it does not go well. Some days it can be as simple as feeling lonely. Then the hypersensitivity of my hip and all its not feeling "normal" screams at me throughout the day because I feel down. It becomes a self-pity party if I let it. Talk about an easy trap to fall into!! Questions like..."why me?.....why here?.....why now?......why like this?....."

On days like this I have to physically seek the Lord and ask for His help because I can't get out on my own. Then He reminds me of what He brought me through and how I can share with others who are going through it as well. I and we can't do it in our strength....it is way too hard! I love that He loves me enough to take care of my doubts and fears and He can handle it. I can trust Him to know what is best for me....and the crazy thing is that even if it hurts....He loves me through it.

He never said He would take the pain away just that He would go through it with me. I literally don't have to feel lonely or depressed by myself. I have been reading through the New Testament and just reading how the crowds treated Him, He was so lonely and used. He knows exactly how I feel and He goes through it with me. Not just behind me holding me up, but with me feeling it too. When I hurt He hurts, when I cry He cries, when I sing, He sings with me....can it get any better? I have a Savior who experiences my heart with me and helps me through my darkest hours. I am thankful, because the past couple of weeks have been emotionally stressful. I view things so differently now, but the devil is not stupid and he is constantly looking for ways to tear me down. BUT, I know the King and He battles on MY behalf!! Boy, that is worth shouting about!!! I know the devil must hate me on soooo many levels because I came out on the other side of this dark encounter with death praising God and praying like my life depended on it. Or should I say, like others life depended on it!! I am sure that is the reason for the mental battles. The devil wants to hinder my prayer life, but it has only made me want to pray even more!! What tickles me is that I have been wanting to pray for others! So look out devil, I am praying some pretty heavy prayer cover for my loved ones!!! Woo! Hoo!!!!

So, this weekend I went to NC to visit my best friend and it was like a fresh drink of water. To be renewed in spirit is almost indescribable. I felt good physically, but I also struggle with the mental of gaining weight and losing hair. This is such a mental thing for ladies! To be able to share with another woman and keep my perspective and hopes up, it was priceless. It is hard to feel beautiful when what the world equates as beauty is taken away..... That is when I need to focus on what my Father thinks of me, and my spouse, and my friends. There is more to beauty than physical. It just requires some reminding, because the devil definitely wants us to focus on how the world views it. So I came home feeling renewed and blessed. Then our service on Sunday filled me to overflowing. God is soooo good!! I feel ready to attack this week :) And I look forward to being renewed again :)