Blog # 41

I had a great weekend!! We had a benefit singing Saturday night at my in-laws church. It was a two hour cryfest!!!! LOL!! But Oh how God was there!!! It was scary stormy and tornadoes were touching down everywhere, but not where we were and it was so obvious that God was in our presence, it made it hard to breath, let alone sing! Which I boohooed my way through :) I am so thankful for God's timing and how He moves!! We needed the help at just the time He gave it, and we even had a prayer service to close with. I was anointed with oil and prayed over at the altar and you could definitely feel the presence of the Father.

But today, my son has a job, my daughter has a job, and my husband has a job. Life is hard, but God Is Good!!! I am ready for spring and warmer weather to stay and for us to move. Oh, God has provided a home as well! He just thinks of everything!! :) Praise God!!!

I am doubling up on some things because my numbers are up but the doc said that they should show a decrease by my next count which will be at the end of this month. I am just thankful that I don't have to worry and I know it's all in God's hands, no matter what!!

Blog #40

I am sorry for neglecting my blog duties. It has been very busy around here lately and with my husband needing the laptop in the evenings it is like buzzards when he walks in the door. I need to just schedule my time and then let the kids fight for it after I'm done. I just hate to keep them from it as well.

Anywho.... I have been doing so much better since I started my new hormone treatments. I hardly need pain meds now. I will go days without and usually if I do it is because I have aggravated my hip without realizing I did. I made a trip to Ohio which was like a medicine for my heart!! I got to spend time with my brother and sister it was awesome!! But driving there I was at the wheel too long (I got excited seeing and showing my kids where my Grandmother used to live in Kentucky) so I was hurting my first couple of days. But when I returned I was doing well.

Some days feel so hard and others so easy. I wish there was some way to explain it in simple terms, but a continual fight against death gets very tiring. I am so thankful that my in-laws church is so supportive. I have friends across the states who pray for me so much and I don't know how to tell people how much that helps me just to stay above water. And yes, it so often feels like treading water. It can wear me out like nothing else. Especially when I hurt, it's like screaming into my mind from Satan himself, "HA! HA! HA! You are going to lose this fight!!!!" Having prayer cover is the one thing that I know and can feel when it brings relief.

So true to the way God works, He has had my attention quite thoroughly over these past couple of months, and needless to say it has truly changed me. I find that I long to spend time with Him and it makes fighting this cancer so much easier. It feels like my fight it not just physical but spiritual. Like they are intertwined. Or maybe with each step physically it should have spiritual repercussions. Somehow the two feel intertwined. I'm okay with that. I know that if God is for me who can be against me? If God wants to save me there is nothing in heaven or earth that can stop Him. And what if He doesn't? I feel like the Hebrew children....I am not careful to speak to you on this matter! I know who holds my eternal future. But I feel like He is opening doors for me to share my story with the world. I will do whatever is in my power to glorify Him whether I stay or go! He is worthy and everyone needs to know that THAT is the truth!! The devil may truly try to take me out, but I'm not his, I'm God's.

My in-laws church is having a benefit singing for me Saturday night, total answer to prayer. The ladies have been sending cards of encouragement with gift cards to Ingles, another answer to prayer. My oldest son got a job, another answer.... and it looks like God has provided a home for us.....ANOTHER ANSWER TO PRAYER!!! I am seeing a beautiful pattern!!!! Anyone else?!?!

I am trying not to be amazed when God answers prayers, but I think He likes to amaze us and to see us get excited and shout and dance around for Him. I have been dancing a lot for Him lately :) He is healing me from the inside out...lol!!! Heart, mind, soul....then body! I am excited to get to the point where I can say just that, because I feel that is just what is happening. I am His to do with as He pleases. And He is MINE!!

Blog # 39

I have been busy and hurting, so needless to say I haven't kept up like I should. But I am thankful that God makes a way for change and even a way to feel better.

I have been having a lot of pain in my hip that I expressed in my last blog. But since then I found out that my tumor marker numbers doubled. How funny that something like a bad report can feel like a physical assault. We were rather calm when my oncologist expressed the news. He was very concerned and set up a change in hormone treatment immediately. But Ben and I were really calm. I just feel so strongly that not only is God in control, but I just know that He is sooo much bigger than cancer. I have been praying a lot lately, not just about cancer, which you would think that is all I pray about. I have really been opened up by Him and examined from one side of my soul to the other. There is a whole other level of trust that I have reached with Him and I am so thankful that I almost don't know how to put it into words.

My tumor marker numbers reached the 200's. We walked out to the car and discussed what that must mean. If God wants to take me home, woo! hoo!! But if I can stay a little while longer I would be very grateful. I truly believe that He has a plan for me, something I need to do before I go. I feel it down to my toenails. I know all too clearly that He could take me home at any minute. But for some reason I feel like I am supposed to tell people about what I have been through. Not just cancer, but how He has healed me in mind, spirit, soul and body. He needs the glory for it all. After praying and crying in the car there was a peace that passed all understanding. Can I trust a God who made me and allowed my body to be eaten up by cancer? I hear a resounding "YES" !!!

I went the following Tuesday and started my new hormone therapy. It was a double shot, one in each hip! YUCK!! It was a thick oil that felt like I got punched on both hips! I had to miss work!! But, I have been feeling much less pain the past two weeks. I am hoping that is a good sign. But regardless, I will do better when God wants me to do better. I don't feel worried.

So I am doing as much as I can naturally and leaving all the rest to God. I should say I am doing all I can naturally and God will use it if He wants to accomplish His will and He will receive the glory for it all.

I have no new pain anywhere, and I have actually decreased in pain in my hip. I have no explanation except God. I am trusting Him with my life, I am His and He is mine. How thankful I am!!

This week I woke up with a pain in my back under my left shoulder blade. It felt like a crick in my back and it got worse till I had to miss work and lie flat on my back. Of course there were a few that panicked and said, "Cancer?"

I said of course not!! And three days later after some muscle cream and a heat pad I'm back to work. God is still good!! Just a reminder! LOL!!

So tomorrow I head back in to the office and next week I go back for two more shots. I am hoping that it won't hurt so bad, but if it does, I'll just deal with it and be thankful I can still walk. :)

I will try to keep the updates more current, but no worries :) God is the one taking care of me!! :)

Blog #37

I have been working with Ben and have been enjoying the time with him. It has been nice to spend time with him, but my hip is not happy with this weather. I get up early to do all of my "routine" and the days that bad weather is coming in or it is bitter cold....it is horrible!! Of course that is when the mental battle is the worst! I had a true moment of "God in this place" that is exactly what I needed. Knowing that He takes the time to let me know that He loves me and is going through every little detail with me and doesn't like it when I hurt, it is an incredible feeling to know that He loves me that much! I try to tell others as much as possible, that He loves them with the same passion and will do the same for them, I hope people will listen. He has truly shown me that He is going to take care of me. I'm exceedingly grateful. For whatever reason, my cancer doesn't want to die quickly. This is my path, I will walk it.

I went to the doctor today and (by the way, he is AWESOME!!) he told me how my scans turned out. I have no new cancer anywhere....soft tissue or bone. And all the cancer that is in my bones has not grown. He said my tumor marker numbers have increased though. The tumor marker numbers are a record of the activity of cancer in my blood. It is usually how doctors keep track of the activity inbetween scans. Even though they have risen, there is still nothing else anywhere, so he wants me to change my hormone treatment to see if that will help. I am just amazed that with how agressive my cancer is that it hasn't popped up everywhere. I just want to see it decrease. I realize that I have changed a lot of my life with the move and it has been stressful, I know that will effect me. I'm hoping that once we can get on our own and get settled it will get me back on track. But invetitably it is in God's hands. I am thankful to know that, no I am overjoyed to know that!!

I had a chance to go to Dickson last weekend with a co-worker. She was going to her neices graduation and asked if I wanted to hitch a ride. I was thrilled! I didn't get a chance to see tons of people because I was riding with others but it was good to see the few I could. I really miss everyone. It is always hard getting to a new place and trying to plug in or root. There are some days where we get a little down, with not being able to see everyone that felt so much like our family. I am trying to focus on my kids and fighting this cancer. Do you ever want to think on other things? ......yeah, me too.

My best friend came to visit this weekend and it was wonderful to see how God is working in her life. It definitely encouraged me, in so many ways!! She wants me to read "Captivating" by John Eldredge. I found it at a used book store and already I am enthralled! Thanks Lady!!

Well, I'm off to bed. I'm tired, it's been a long day and I have another day to fight tomorrow. But God has gone before me and prepared the way. Thank goodness!!

Blog #36

I had a rough week this week. It is hard to deal with the mental attacks, and sometimes it feels constant. My hip has been giving me some pain and it has made me feel so stressful. When you have cancer it is always first and foremost in your mind when there is any pain in your body. It screams at you, "it's the cancer!!!!". It is right irritating! Needless to say I was feeling like the cancer was reaking havoc in my body and every time I started to hurt it was like a siren went off in my head, "See, it is the cancer and it is still growing. You are going to die and it doesn't matter what you do to fight it."
I know that fighting this is something that I need to do mentally more than anything else. And the incredible thing is that I got to see God moving in the smallest, most significant ways this week. That He loves me enough to do these things to let me know that He still cares for me and wants me to trust Him, is overwhelming!!
I had people call, people come up at church, texts sent that people were praying for me. I was worried that people weren't praying as much since we are in E. TN but God difinitely showed me that He still has people praying for me....how loved that made me feel!! I even received a card from someone I don't know, letting me know that she is praying for me!! I needed it so much that I was a huge crying, grateful mess!!! I made Patsy pull out Joseph and play the song that he sings while in the dungeon. "You know better than I" Wow. I don't need to say anything else. I am so thankful that He loves me and is taking care of me!!!
It gets hard and He never said it would be easy, I am just so grateful that He will go through it with me. I don't want to go through this alone :) (i'm not strong enough by myself)

Blog # 35

It has been a pretty crazy month! We are settled in at my in-laws, but the snow has kept us snowed in for three weeks! I started looking for a job just because it is important right now for us to get back on track and move out, but I knew if I got one it would totally be the Lord's will. Well guess what? God works out things that I have no understanding of and yet I can see Him moving. Ben called me late one night before he headed home and asked if I would like to work with him. Well, for me the ideal work environment would be to work with him!!! So I got up the next morning and headed in with him to work. It has been crazy with snow and I have only been there for five half days but I am so excited that God worked out something for me to do....now I will explain why it meant so much to me.

I have been struggling with aching bones since I fell a couple of weeks ago. And I am sure it is easy to understand that when anything hurts in my body I immediately think..."Cancer!" Well, being in someone elses house with nothing to do.... and my kids struggling with the same thing, it is very wearing emotionally. I found myself getting depressed. I was trying desperately not to , but it would creep up on me and I just couldn't hold it back. I was to the point where I was getting ready to talk to my husband about it because I did not know what to do. But God did. If there is something I can focus on, or even contribute with, it helps me so much!! My personality type is not one to focus on me with a "woe is me attitude" I just want to help, be productive, etc. I know I need to focus on getting better, but my mental state is extremely important and it helps me so much to be able to do something. I loved being in Dickson because I could focus on teaching, encouraging others, being supportive to others, here we aren't plugged in so I was feeling emotionally "not" anchored. Now I can go to work with a Christian boss and co-workers who are very sweet and understanding, and I can see the relief on my husbands face. I am contributing and yet I do nothing strenuous and work at my own pace!! How incredible is God to work out such details just for me!!?

On the flip side my kids have been job hunting but our vehicle has had some issues but we can't fix them till the weather is a little better so we can get under the engine. So their search stopped cold. And yet I know that all things work out the way they do for a reason. And the neat thing, they both realized it as well. They were all having cabin fever this weekend so we got up early Saturday and left together and just drove around Johnson City. We went to all kinds of stores and even went to the mall. We found a huge used book store that we all just loved! We were so happy! When I got home last night I could barely keep my eyes open! Then when we got up for church this morning I was hurting so bad I couldn't sit still in the pew. I had to stand half way through the service, so you know the devil was all over that!! Again, that irritating voice..."Cancer! Cancer!....." Urgh!! It made me just want to yell, "You loser!! I know the REAL Physcian!! SHUT-UP!!!!"

Just a reminder to the devil and all of his friends, I am Christ's and He is mine. That's it in a nutshell. And it is nice to say it out loud every now and again. :)

So, my youngest has been out of school since Dec. 10th. The snow was bad in Dickson before we left so he missed his last week of school when they were having testing. Thankfully he didn't need to test because he had straight A's. So we go to enroll him here and found they were out of school that week as well and there was no point for him to enroll the first week of Jan. because they would just be testing and he would have nothing to do. But here came the snow! He has been out for over a month!!! Nice Christmas BREAK!!! He is happy, and yet cabin fever is rampant! He is actually looking forward to school just for some variety!! LOL!!!

I found out this past week that a dear friend of mine from H.S. died this week. He was only 43. It made me sad and nostalgic. His life dealt some unfortunate circumstances that made me feel sad for him and his family. Just when I start to get overwhelmed with my circumstances God brings to my attention someone else who needs some prayer cover. If any of you know David Parker, please keep his family in your prayers. He passed away this week and was entirely too young! He will be remembered and loved by sooo many!!

Blog # 34

I have had a wonderful Christmas and New Year! I have settled in at my in-laws and am fully back in my normal routine. My youngest starts school on Monday and my two oldest officially go job hunting on Monday as well. It is hard to share a home even if it is with someone you love so much. So we are doing everything we can to give them there space back and get on with out own home and living. I am looking forward to getting a place where we can have a hobby farm again. I would like to have some fresh eggs and free-grazing chickens. Maybe even some grass fed beef...that would be sooooo awesome!! We are definitely praying for God to give us a place where we can have some natural food to raise on our own. But He has been so good to us, I feel like He will definitely open that door for us.

My sister-in-law has been such a wonderful source of encouragement with soooo much information and knowledge. I am very thankful to be here! I have had other family members ask about my juicing and diet and I am doing everything I can to inform everyone who wants to know how to be more healthy and hopefully they will never have to go down this road. But ultimately, God is in control. It is totally Him that has kept me here this long and if we are willing to eat right and know and trust Him? We can be cancer free as well. I don't want people to think it is just what I am doing, it is totally God.

I have found that some days I feel slow and down and maybe my hip will be hurting but then I read in scripture or hear about someone doing much worse than me and I realize that He loves me! He has done so much for me and my family, to take care of us, to provide for us, to not just meet our needs but to give us our wants as well! The sadness can't stay! I am His, my children are His, my husband is His. How wonderful to know that no matter what happens, we are going to be taken care of!

Well, my husband is working and almost done with classes. We are ready for him to be selling, and we are ready to be back to normal. But until then....we wait for God's timing and know that it is perfect.

Happy New Year! I am still here! And God Is Good!!!!!!!!!!!