Blog #37

I have been working with Ben and have been enjoying the time with him. It has been nice to spend time with him, but my hip is not happy with this weather. I get up early to do all of my "routine" and the days that bad weather is coming in or it is bitter cold....it is horrible!! Of course that is when the mental battle is the worst! I had a true moment of "God in this place" that is exactly what I needed. Knowing that He takes the time to let me know that He loves me and is going through every little detail with me and doesn't like it when I hurt, it is an incredible feeling to know that He loves me that much! I try to tell others as much as possible, that He loves them with the same passion and will do the same for them, I hope people will listen. He has truly shown me that He is going to take care of me. I'm exceedingly grateful. For whatever reason, my cancer doesn't want to die quickly. This is my path, I will walk it.

I went to the doctor today and (by the way, he is AWESOME!!) he told me how my scans turned out. I have no new cancer anywhere....soft tissue or bone. And all the cancer that is in my bones has not grown. He said my tumor marker numbers have increased though. The tumor marker numbers are a record of the activity of cancer in my blood. It is usually how doctors keep track of the activity inbetween scans. Even though they have risen, there is still nothing else anywhere, so he wants me to change my hormone treatment to see if that will help. I am just amazed that with how agressive my cancer is that it hasn't popped up everywhere. I just want to see it decrease. I realize that I have changed a lot of my life with the move and it has been stressful, I know that will effect me. I'm hoping that once we can get on our own and get settled it will get me back on track. But invetitably it is in God's hands. I am thankful to know that, no I am overjoyed to know that!!

I had a chance to go to Dickson last weekend with a co-worker. She was going to her neices graduation and asked if I wanted to hitch a ride. I was thrilled! I didn't get a chance to see tons of people because I was riding with others but it was good to see the few I could. I really miss everyone. It is always hard getting to a new place and trying to plug in or root. There are some days where we get a little down, with not being able to see everyone that felt so much like our family. I am trying to focus on my kids and fighting this cancer. Do you ever want to think on other things? ......yeah, me too.

My best friend came to visit this weekend and it was wonderful to see how God is working in her life. It definitely encouraged me, in so many ways!! She wants me to read "Captivating" by John Eldredge. I found it at a used book store and already I am enthralled! Thanks Lady!!

Well, I'm off to bed. I'm tired, it's been a long day and I have another day to fight tomorrow. But God has gone before me and prepared the way. Thank goodness!!

Blog #36

I had a rough week this week. It is hard to deal with the mental attacks, and sometimes it feels constant. My hip has been giving me some pain and it has made me feel so stressful. When you have cancer it is always first and foremost in your mind when there is any pain in your body. It screams at you, "it's the cancer!!!!". It is right irritating! Needless to say I was feeling like the cancer was reaking havoc in my body and every time I started to hurt it was like a siren went off in my head, "See, it is the cancer and it is still growing. You are going to die and it doesn't matter what you do to fight it."
I know that fighting this is something that I need to do mentally more than anything else. And the incredible thing is that I got to see God moving in the smallest, most significant ways this week. That He loves me enough to do these things to let me know that He still cares for me and wants me to trust Him, is overwhelming!!
I had people call, people come up at church, texts sent that people were praying for me. I was worried that people weren't praying as much since we are in E. TN but God difinitely showed me that He still has people praying for me....how loved that made me feel!! I even received a card from someone I don't know, letting me know that she is praying for me!! I needed it so much that I was a huge crying, grateful mess!!! I made Patsy pull out Joseph and play the song that he sings while in the dungeon. "You know better than I" Wow. I don't need to say anything else. I am so thankful that He loves me and is taking care of me!!!
It gets hard and He never said it would be easy, I am just so grateful that He will go through it with me. I don't want to go through this alone :) (i'm not strong enough by myself)

Blog # 35

It has been a pretty crazy month! We are settled in at my in-laws, but the snow has kept us snowed in for three weeks! I started looking for a job just because it is important right now for us to get back on track and move out, but I knew if I got one it would totally be the Lord's will. Well guess what? God works out things that I have no understanding of and yet I can see Him moving. Ben called me late one night before he headed home and asked if I would like to work with him. Well, for me the ideal work environment would be to work with him!!! So I got up the next morning and headed in with him to work. It has been crazy with snow and I have only been there for five half days but I am so excited that God worked out something for me to do....now I will explain why it meant so much to me.

I have been struggling with aching bones since I fell a couple of weeks ago. And I am sure it is easy to understand that when anything hurts in my body I immediately think..."Cancer!" Well, being in someone elses house with nothing to do.... and my kids struggling with the same thing, it is very wearing emotionally. I found myself getting depressed. I was trying desperately not to , but it would creep up on me and I just couldn't hold it back. I was to the point where I was getting ready to talk to my husband about it because I did not know what to do. But God did. If there is something I can focus on, or even contribute with, it helps me so much!! My personality type is not one to focus on me with a "woe is me attitude" I just want to help, be productive, etc. I know I need to focus on getting better, but my mental state is extremely important and it helps me so much to be able to do something. I loved being in Dickson because I could focus on teaching, encouraging others, being supportive to others, here we aren't plugged in so I was feeling emotionally "not" anchored. Now I can go to work with a Christian boss and co-workers who are very sweet and understanding, and I can see the relief on my husbands face. I am contributing and yet I do nothing strenuous and work at my own pace!! How incredible is God to work out such details just for me!!?

On the flip side my kids have been job hunting but our vehicle has had some issues but we can't fix them till the weather is a little better so we can get under the engine. So their search stopped cold. And yet I know that all things work out the way they do for a reason. And the neat thing, they both realized it as well. They were all having cabin fever this weekend so we got up early Saturday and left together and just drove around Johnson City. We went to all kinds of stores and even went to the mall. We found a huge used book store that we all just loved! We were so happy! When I got home last night I could barely keep my eyes open! Then when we got up for church this morning I was hurting so bad I couldn't sit still in the pew. I had to stand half way through the service, so you know the devil was all over that!! Again, that irritating voice..."Cancer! Cancer!....." Urgh!! It made me just want to yell, "You loser!! I know the REAL Physcian!! SHUT-UP!!!!"

Just a reminder to the devil and all of his friends, I am Christ's and He is mine. That's it in a nutshell. And it is nice to say it out loud every now and again. :)

So, my youngest has been out of school since Dec. 10th. The snow was bad in Dickson before we left so he missed his last week of school when they were having testing. Thankfully he didn't need to test because he had straight A's. So we go to enroll him here and found they were out of school that week as well and there was no point for him to enroll the first week of Jan. because they would just be testing and he would have nothing to do. But here came the snow! He has been out for over a month!!! Nice Christmas BREAK!!! He is happy, and yet cabin fever is rampant! He is actually looking forward to school just for some variety!! LOL!!!

I found out this past week that a dear friend of mine from H.S. died this week. He was only 43. It made me sad and nostalgic. His life dealt some unfortunate circumstances that made me feel sad for him and his family. Just when I start to get overwhelmed with my circumstances God brings to my attention someone else who needs some prayer cover. If any of you know David Parker, please keep his family in your prayers. He passed away this week and was entirely too young! He will be remembered and loved by sooo many!!

Blog # 34

I have had a wonderful Christmas and New Year! I have settled in at my in-laws and am fully back in my normal routine. My youngest starts school on Monday and my two oldest officially go job hunting on Monday as well. It is hard to share a home even if it is with someone you love so much. So we are doing everything we can to give them there space back and get on with out own home and living. I am looking forward to getting a place where we can have a hobby farm again. I would like to have some fresh eggs and free-grazing chickens. Maybe even some grass fed beef...that would be sooooo awesome!! We are definitely praying for God to give us a place where we can have some natural food to raise on our own. But He has been so good to us, I feel like He will definitely open that door for us.

My sister-in-law has been such a wonderful source of encouragement with soooo much information and knowledge. I am very thankful to be here! I have had other family members ask about my juicing and diet and I am doing everything I can to inform everyone who wants to know how to be more healthy and hopefully they will never have to go down this road. But ultimately, God is in control. It is totally Him that has kept me here this long and if we are willing to eat right and know and trust Him? We can be cancer free as well. I don't want people to think it is just what I am doing, it is totally God.

I have found that some days I feel slow and down and maybe my hip will be hurting but then I read in scripture or hear about someone doing much worse than me and I realize that He loves me! He has done so much for me and my family, to take care of us, to provide for us, to not just meet our needs but to give us our wants as well! The sadness can't stay! I am His, my children are His, my husband is His. How wonderful to know that no matter what happens, we are going to be taken care of!

Well, my husband is working and almost done with classes. We are ready for him to be selling, and we are ready to be back to normal. But until then....we wait for God's timing and know that it is perfect.

Happy New Year! I am still here! And God Is Good!!!!!!!!!!!

Blog #33

I have been so overwhelmed with moving that I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks. So I am going to have to fill you in on what has been going on. I was sent to my radiologist which I conveyed in my last blog. Since then I have radiated my right humerus and have moved to E. TN. It has been really amazing to see how God has just really worked out the details of our move and our needs. I have blistered under my arm from the radiation and my mother-in-law has the most incredible burn ointment I have ever used!! It is called Furacin and they will not prescribe it willingly. I don't know why!!! I was completely raw where it blistered and just rubbed my skin off. The doctors recommended Eucerin but it doesn't do anything but keep it moist and help it not to crack. The Furacin......after applying a thin coat and going to bed, I woke up with no pain and the raw was completely healed!!!!! I used some more the next night but I didn't even NEED it!!!!! It just made me mad at the medical community all over again! Okay, I'm off the side bar! lol!!

I am thrilled to be on all of my vitamins, foot detoxing every other day, sleeping on a magnetic pad, breathing oxygen two hours everyday.....all is going well! I have less and less pain every day from my neck and I don't feel pain in any other spot :) God is so incredible!!!! I don't know how to thank Him enough! Woo! Hoo!!

Now on weird happy thoughts....I was a size 20 when I started all this natural stuff and now I am a size 10....WoW!! I haven't been a 10 since my first year of marriage! LOL!! It makes the "cancer" thing have a nice side...:) And goodness knows it needs a nice side!! I went to a Mexican restaurant tonight and they made me some grilled veggies without using oil...HOW nice!!!! It was absolutely divine!!! How great to come across places that will cater to what I need. It was very nice and I told them so. I will sooo go back there again!! (Yet I know that God is truly the one to orchestrate those kinds of things :) He truly is good!!

Blog #32

I am just overwhelmed at how the Lord is taking care of me and my family! It is hard to put into words!! We are going to move to East Tennessee and it was no easy decision, but it has literally been like watching a story unfold. Every step of the way has been taken care of and provided for by God. Just when I get control of my emotions it seems like the Lord opens up the flood gates of Heaven and dumps another load. We have had friends help us move and so far it has been the easiest move we have ever had!! But I was laughing at the radiologists office last week when he said I shouldn't be lifting anything heavy!! That's all I have been doing!! Of course not the real heavy stuff i left all of that for my teenage boys, but a lot of it I have been doing myself! LOL!! Even in that i am just amazed at how the Lord has taken care of me!

My husband already has a job lined up, which was totally the Lord and it should be a very easy transition. The church has been so understanding and supportive, I don't know if I can cry anymore, or smile anymore!! Then a good cancer report on top of that?! My goodness!! Yeah, you get the picture :)

Well, since I have started using a magnetic mattress pad, I am amazed at how well I sleep and how much better I feel!! I ordered a magnetic bracelet and necklace with earrings and I never take them off. Unless I am doing a foot detox...LOL! No metal allowed on during a detox :) I am amazed at how much better it makes me feel! I am so glad for my friend Crystal who went through cancer and has none left in her body anywhere! That she clued me in to magnets! They are just incredible! The help to balance out your acidity levels, making you more alkaline; it increases your blood flow; and it helps your blood cells absorb oxygen. Sound like a perfect "fighting cancer" cocktail?! That is exactly what I thought!!

Then that wonderful foot detox machine she shared with me, you would not believe what the nasty stuff was that came out of me last year the first time I tried one! It was after chemo and radiation so it was as black as tar!!!! But when she brought hers over two weeks ago and let me use it till mine came in....it was burnt orange. From black as tar to burnt orange is incredible! It told me quite loudly that all this detox and veggies I have been doing has been working!!!! Praise God!!

To have exactly what I need to be doing placed in my hands has just been overwhelming! And I will still be able to do the dives in E. TN because there is a clinic there with hyperbaric dive tanks! Woo! Hoo!!!! And I know what herbs and enzymes I need to be taking, with my veggie juice and vitamins....How incredible is that? It isn't it's just God, taking care of His children!! Okay, I am starting to cry again!!

God is so good, all the time!!

Blog #31

I am just amazed at how God works!! This week has been one long mental battle and at every turn I was saying out loud, "I don't care what you are trying to do satan, I am trusting God!!" I know that I serve a God that is bigger than any cancer and it is all up to Him and His will for me. So knowing this my x-rays on Monday were laid in His hands. I went today to see my radiologist and see what he wanted to do, it anything needed to be done. This is what I found out.

When my oncologist told me there was some spots still growing it feels like getting kicked in the gut one more time. So I just said, I don't care what they say, I know that I am doing what is right!! Trust and faith reach a whole new level! So my hot spots were, according to my oncologist, my hip and neck. So he scheduled some x-rays to see if anything needed to be done, if it was critical or not. My radiologist immediately pulled up my bone scans and x-rays and showed them to me.

Hmmmmm. I was looking at my neck, it was substantially smalller! My hip didn't look larger either.....but my arm looked not so good. So, what is going on? So I say it out loud to my radiologist..."My tumor in my neck looks half to three fourths smaller! Am I seeing that right?"

Dr. "Yes, I'm not worried about your neck."

Me "Okay, but my hip and pelvic doesn't look bigger either....?"

Dr. "Well, there is activity but not much growth, we just don't want it to get to where it hurts."

Me "Oh, well my arm doesn't look good and they said it was minimal growth."

Dr. "Yes, that is the only spot of real concern. And it isn't life threatening, just painful and we don't want that bone to break."

Me "Oh....okay. I lift stuff all the time....that's kind of scary!"

Dr. "Just be careful and once we fix it you will be fine."

Me "Ok....what are the other spots on my vertebrae?"

Dr. "They are two more smaller spots that have been there but they are receding."

Me "Getting smaller?"

Dr. "Yes, the hormone inhibitor must be working."

Me (winking at my daughter) "Yeah, it must be. So my tumors in my neck and back are smaller and in my hip and pelvic bone are about the same, so the only real "growth" is in my arm?"

Dr. "yes, and we will take care of that for you."

How is that for God working things out? He even said in his conversation with me that he wanted to take care of that spot in my arm so I don't have to come back in six months and take care of it again. Then he laughed and said he knew i'd still be here, but I shouldn't have to worry about it later. Where is my uncool-ogist when I need him?!!!!!! It made for a good day :) God has taken care of me every step of the way.... how can I NOT praise Him?!!!!

Now I am just looking forward to the day when I can say it is gone! That will be a pink letter day......sorry, just thought pink with breast cancer....oh, never mind! It will be a day to remember for the rest of my life!!!