Blog #45

Well I turned 41.....Does that say it all? It fell on a Sunday and I was in bed all day with a fever and felt like doo doo. BUT, I am still here! That is the point, right? Monday was a different day, I felt tired a queasy but I was able to get up a move around a little. We had some visitors, which shall remain nameless....it was very different. I'll leave that one in God's hands. Tuesday rolled around faster than I wanted it to get here. I was very depressed to even think about starting chemo again. I feel like coming full circle is such an understatement. I have done, religiously, all that I know to do naturally. It was like I was throwing feathers at a brick wall. The cancer was advancing faster than ever before. What changed? Nothing, I even got more strict with my natural remedies. So, now it became a question of chemo again. I prayed then turned to my family. If I kept going down the road I am on, the end would come quickly. I left the decision up to them, so here I am with chemo running through my veins again. But, who am I to not try everything for my family? I was dying quickly, maybe God is chuckling at our presumption that we have all the answers. He can use whatever He wants to slow this down. So I get the incredible luxury of trusting Him, no matter what. There is definitely a peace in that. I guess that is the hard part for most people. Trusting when it doesn't make sense. But isn't that the point? Who cares what sense it makes to us? It only matters that He knows. So I get to just sit back and focus on getting stronger. I'll fight, never ceasing because I love my family and I'd like to see some weddings and maybe some grandkids. But secretly? I'm praying for the rapture! Boy! Now that would be an answer to prayer!!!!