Blog #47

I had a revelation that I wanted to share.....God has been dealing with me on so many levels but it all became so clear as the weeks have passed that I realized it has changed me. Completely from the inside out. After moving to East Tennessee my cancer has just gotten out of control and I reached a level of do chemo of cross into eternity. My doctor actually told me that what I was doing naturally wasn't helping at all, my tumor marker numbers were tripling and then the pain became so unbearable that I was forced to bed with pain meds as a constant diet to just make it through the day and night. And it barely did that. I did three weeks of radiation losing weight at an unhealthy rate (pain meds and cancer kept me sick and throwing up, nothing stayed down) hoping to ease the pain enough that I might be able to just walk around again without needing someone to almost carry me from place to place. I went two months in bed with nothing but thinking to occupy my mind.

The attack of the mind is acute and painful, but I found, oh so necessary. Here I am lying in bed feeling more worthless than I've ever felt in my life. My whole world has revolved around ministry and my home. I wanted to be involved in ministry since before I was even married. So when I got married I jumped in with both feet. Here is my list of what I was involved, or should I say, what I felt like defined me as who I am.

Teen ministry- Sunday school, Wednesday night bible study, camp, VBS(for teens), youth retreats, Drama, lock-ins

Women's ministry- Woman's Auxiliary, Ladies retreat, bible studies, lock-ins, Drama,

Choir, Drama director,

then came Pastor's wife...

Children's Church Director, youth leader, praise and worship team, Ladies Sunday school teacher, etc, etc, etc,

I can almost keep going....I keep remembering more and more that I was involved in. Oh, church softball and volleyball leagues. (they were awesome!)

Even when I found out I had cancer it didn't slow me down, my ministry was what defined me, or so I thought. But then I took a turn for the worse....and it all went away.

As I laid there day after day an invalid, with nothing that I could do on my own and nothing to offer I was beginning to feel in-valid. Everything that I felt defined me for who I was was taken away. I was no longer a pastor's wife, a teen leader, a worship leader, a women's leader, I had nothing to offer, not even as a mother. My children were taking care of their sick mother, not me taking care of them. I couldn't even be a wife. I had nothing to contribute, nothing to offer, even as a daughter-in-law in my in-laws home. God very gently stripped everything out of my life that I had believed made me who I am, of defined me. So I lay there even to the point of being afraid to talk to God....there was nothing left to me just a shell. I was wrong.

In God's way that only He can do, He spoke my name. He told me oh so gently, to my spirit that He didn't need all that I have to offer to love me. He loved me, not what I can do for Him, He loved me. The Creator and Lover of my soul made me to love me! Wow! What I do in return has nothing to do with how He loves me! How simple, and yet so profound! I began to see the value in me, just me, nothing else, because it is just me that He loves. What I offer back in love is freely accepted but it doesn't make Him love me more! He already loves me more!!!! As I slowly let this love fill me I ran across some verses in Revelation talking about the name that God has just for me. My new name that I know will define who I really am in Him. Talk about goose bumps! He knows my name, who I really am ...in Him and I can't wait to know it! It is just me! Let me lay aside all my titles, let me embrace this story He has written for me, this story of Grace and realize that I want to give all that I have out of love back to Him, but it doesn't make Him love me more, He already loves me more than I can possibly fathom! And just realizing that has SET ME FREE!!!

We go through our christian walk thinking if I do this, or that....no! Stop right there! Listen to Him, He loves you ...Period! Give back out of love, but it doesn't make you who you are, He makes you who you are, He has created you to love you, the Lover of your soul! Let Him show just how much!

I thank God for my months of bedridden solitude! It set me free.