# 80

I sometimes don't know how to put into words what I'm feeling so it takes me a while before I get on line and decide to blog. There are so many things that I deal with on a physical level then how it effects you emotionally and spiritually is something else all together. I will try to explain physically what is going on right now, then get into the emotional and spiritual side later.

I still have no side effects from the cancer in my brain as I previously mentioned in my last post. So what I have to deal with is literally how the steroids have effected my body. I mentioned that as well. So I have to deal with this lingering swelling that is around my face and neck, which you can see and feel, but then I have fluid around my abdomen. Not like you can see it, just looks like weight gain, but it makes it hard to breath. I've been overweight before, not the same. So there are times I just get out of breath. But the one thing that is just the most frustrating is the scar tissue in my hip, bottom, and back. It just makes walking uncomfortable but I know the walking is good to help keep it loosened up. So I will try to walk as much as I can (while having a hard time breathing) and use the steps as well. But as I stand, it gets uncomfortable like I have cardboard under my skin and it will almost feel like it is burning. So I will try to shift from foot to foot and arch my back a little. Now imagine....standing for 45 min while singing in the choir? I was so happy to sing! But I was ready to fall over when it was done!!

Dealing with the physical everyday can be distracting, but as I wake up and realize I am here to deal with it...I can't complain. I am here. That is it isn't it? I am here. Yes, I had a moment again of overwhelming gratitude. I have this wonderful family that loves me and supports me in ways I don't even know how to explain and I just can't thank God enough for it. I go through the "why's" a lot of times at night when it is just me and God, then in the morning when it's just me and Him again. I know He wants me to be willing and I am. And as I look at my life I can't comprehend how it effects others but I know He sees the whole picture I just see my portion. So I give Him all I have and cry at how He loves me and gives me the morning and I look at my family and thank Him for giving me today with them. I don't have to be here, that is soooo very clear! I should have died so many times over, but He chose to keep me here! I live and breath because He wants me too....and you know what? We go through this life thinking that we will have the next 20, 30, 40 years...but that is only if God wants you to have today, or tomorrow. Just because you don't cancer doesn't mean you shouldn't be thankful for today. A drunk driver could take you home on your way from work. We don't think like that, but because I have cancer everyone looks at me like I'm on borrowed time. I'm on GOD's time! And so are you....

I had a wonderful morning just me and my Father. I cried on His shoulder with overwhelming gratitude that He loves me and died for me and lives for me and cares for me and has given me today. He as given you today as well :)