#  82

I went in for a regular treatment today and found out that my tumor marker numbers are on the rise again.  When they found out that my numbers were rising they ran some scans and found out it had gone to my brain and several lymph nodes in my abdomen.  Of course the focus was on my brain first so they radiated for three weeks while we put off the chemo.  When radiation was done they started me on a new chemo and for six weeks we tried a new chemo....to no avail.  My numbers have continued to climb from the 100's to 200's.  When I was at my worst I was in the 800's.

It is hard to describe how I feel after so many times of hearing bad news.  I think the doctor was expecting some tears or maybe surprise.  But we have been here before and we are still holding the hand of the one who made us.  Ironically it has a tendency to be more of a tired feeling than anything.  The battle with this cancer has been physically challenging but it has been much more of a mental battle than it's ever been physical.  I don't want to feel tired, I know that is something the devil would like for me to feel, he would love for me to just slow down.  But I am in God's hands, not just living in today with a little prayer here and there to Him. I am actually in His hands.  If I thought that He didn't know what the results were today than I have no relationship with Him at all.  I have learned to trust Him even in the darkest of moments and honestly we have been in some very dark places.  The dark of this news is that when cancer goes to the soft tissue, it can be very bad.  But the God who created me knows all this...and I trust Him.

What has a tendency to almost haunt me is sharing with my family.  Telling my siblings one more time that things aren't going well but have made another turn south... I hate sharing that kind of news.  The look in my kids eyes just when they were feeling safe.  I don't want them to be angry with God or to ever feel He doesn't know best.  It could get worse before it gets better, or it could just get worse.  I trust Him, so we will just wait and see.  The one that makes me the most emotional is my other half.  He is so attentive to all my needs and today when we hear again bad news, he has not left my side.  I find so many reasons why I want God to be merciful, and the one that makes me ache is my other half.  I just know how he is and how we complete each other.  Even saying this I feel selfish, how many have lost their spouses?  Who am i to want to stay when others have lost so much?  Okay, if I expand my wants to my children, it is almost overwhelming.  Then I think of my brother, we are very close and talk almost everyday.  In a small nutshell there is family history and I'm the only one that communicates with him.  It makes me very emotional to think about dying and him losing his sister.  I find myself praying for mercy and grace on so many levels.  Funny, it is not death I fear, I find that I think about how me not being here effects those left behind.

Father, I trust you, and I know that you know what is best, so I have to trust that if I stay or go that you will take care of those I love because you have taken care of me.  You do what is best for those you love, i'm so  thankful!  So I give my family to You, they are Yours anyway, I just have to let go.  So I let go...  And if you allow me to stay, I thank-You!!   And until my dying breath I will praise Your name!!