#  83

I really hate the in between waiting period while you wait for test results.  I was supposed to get a PET scan last Thursday but they couldn't get me in till this week so it delayed everything even my new chemo cocktail.  So I just did my normal Herceptin and went home.  It makes me sleepy because they give me Benedrill(sp?).  But here I am waiting to find out what is going on inside to make my numbers 220.  There are times when I'm lying in bed that my thoughts want to wander and doubt wants to creep in and discourage me.  If I let myself linger on the possibility that I could be taking my final turn for the worse, I get overwhelmed.  I try not to get weepy because it really doesn't matter, I know who holds my future, and there is no reason to cry until I know what is really going on inside.  It is funny to think about dying...for me it is such a mixed bag of emotions.  Dying means freedom for me.  I would be free from pain, and the constant mental battle of fighting this cancer and I could go home!  Then I think of those left behind and that is when the tears come.  I'm not sure how to ever deal with this side of it.  I know God will take care of those left behind, I know how He helped me after dad died of a sudden heart attack, but that was excruciating!  I hate thinking of my family going through that!  But I don't even want to think about all of this until I know what God has in store for me.  Here is the craziness, I still feel like He has laid out all these plans for me this year.  There are so many things that are going on and I am supposed to be a part of it.  So on those days when the doubts crowd my thoughts, I realize He made plans for me today and I am going to do them today.  No need to let the devil get a foothold in my thoughts, he has no place there.  I have a Father who loves me dearly and only wants the best for me, sooooo I am enjoying today!