#  87

I am adapting well to my new chemo pills, thank goodness!!  Now that I realized I can take my five nasty pills at night and sleep through the worst of it!  Funny how things take a moment to sink in....LOL!!  I have been adjusting to taking the three with two meals and the first meal is the worst because I have to take all my other vitamins at the same time.  Okay, let me just explain my routine....I get up and use the bathroom (thanks to Cassie's tea I am regular and need no help from Mira-lax)  then I head upstairs to drink Cassie's tea that I have to give 30 minutes to get into my system before I put anything else into my stomach.  Then I head back downstairs to do a coffee enema because it is designed to clean out the liver...no explanation needed.  Actually I have just been able to start these back up and I truly believe it is because of the tea.  I haven't needed to wear my compression stalkings and I haven't needed to do my exercises every night like I was before.  If I am tired I can just go to bed and not worry about my leg swelling or hurting. That is such a huge answer to prayer!!  I can still feel the joint in my hip not feeling great, like it has arthritis, which it probably does!  But it isn't a struggle against the lymphodema any more.  The scar tissue is still there and hard but it is getting easier to stand and walk, so I keep praying that the Lord will help me get rid of the scar tissue.  He can do anything!

Okay, back to the morning routine and chemo pills.  After I do my enema I, of course am starved, so I have a quick shower then head upstairs for a medium bowl of cereal.  I can't eat a lot because that's when I have to take my 3 chemo pills and about 24 vitamins.  So this is the worst time of day for me.  I feel bloated and slightly sick and then it makes me burp...it is just yucky! This is usually when I take a break and crash on the couch.  After dozing off and sleeping the worst of the feeling away I wake up and can go about my day feeling pretty good!  Now I still make sure I have an afternoon dose of Cassie's tea and wait 30 minutes before I eat lunch.  Even after lunch and 3 more chemo pills I still feel good and can go through the rest of my evening feeling normal.  I usually don't eat dinner because lunch is usually later because breakfast is usually later.  So for dinner I have a cup of Cassie's tea then wait till I am ready to turn the bedroom light off and take my last 5 chemo pills.  But if I did eat in the evening, I would have to wait 2 hours after eating to drink the tea then 30 minutes before I could take my chemo.  My whole day is thinking about the next dose of whatever!!  Some days I have to carry little doses of tea with me...it is crazy!  But it is helping so I can't complain :))

On the emotional and spiritual side...I have felt a peace that has truly passed all understanding.  I don't feel worried and I have just been amazed at how the Father has revealed Himself in so many ways during my Bible study time!!  I'm so thankful that I can trust Him!  I wanted to share a devotional that I read on May 20th from "Streams in the Desert"

John 18:11  -  Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?

     God is a thousand times more meticulous with us than even an artist is with his canvas.  Using many brush strokes of sorrow, and circumstances of various colors, He paints us into the highest and best image He visualizes, if we will only receive His bitter gifts of myrrh in the right spirit.
     Yet when our cup of sorrows is taken away and the lessons in it are suppressed or go unheeded, we do more damage to our soul than could ever be repaired.  No human heart can imagine the incomparable love God expresses in His gift of myrrh.  However, this great gift that our soul should receive is allowed to pass by us because of our sleepy indifference, and ultimately nothing comes of it.
     Then in our barrenness we come and complain, saying, "O LORD, I feel so dry, and there is so much darkness within me!"  My advice to you, dear child, is to open your heart to the pain and suffering, and it will accomplish more good than being full of emotion and sincerity.   Tauler




You can see why I liked this devotional...even the verse hit me.  I am so thankful that He sees the picture He is painting of me.  He is making a beautiful masterpiece and who am I not to drink of the cup He has given me. I've always said I was willing, and what I and my family have learned I wouldn't trade for anything in this world!  I was talking to my sister today and discussing again the inability to run, go on hikes, play volleyball, etc.  And she apologized for it even coming up because she didn't want to depress me and I told her it was okay.  I am still here and for whatever reason I will have to sacrifice if I am to stay here.  So I have negative, but there is an awful lot of positive!  If God lets me stay, I can see my children get married, grandchildren....that would be soooooo awesome!! There is a lot of positive to think about without really even needing to focus on what I can't do.  There is a lot that I can do!  Thank-you, Father!!  I truly want others to see that even though I still have this cancer, He has never left me alone!  I have never had to go through one step without Him.  People need to know that, that they don't have to be alone....ever!  Ben can't be with me 24/7.  He tries...LOL!  But only God can, and He HAS!! There are nights when I hide my crying but God is there to catch every tear, there are mornings when the joy is so overwhelming that the tears come harder than the night before, and my Father catches everyone!  There are days when I just am happy to be here and He is with me still.  Thank-you Father, Your love is indescribable and I love you and trust YOU!!