#  84


Well I found out the results of my PET scan yesterday.  Talk about a mix of emotions!  We had good news and bad news.  The good news was that all the cancer has receded, the cancer in my bones and lymph nodes.  So Ben and I just sat there waiting for the other shoe to drop and it did. It is now in my liver.  Not a mass just activity.  When they do a PET they give you radioactive isotopes that go to where there is the most activity.  So they could see activity in my liver but not in one mass just little hot spots.  I also have some fluid in my lungs.  Not a lot and the Doc is not sure why....he wasn't worried, but it just begs to question.

So how do I feel?  I'm not even sure how I feel.  It has been such a roller coaster ride that I'm not even sure how to explain what is going on inside.  Neither Ben nor I were emotional when we got the news and we knew it would not be good because my numbers were up.  We were actually surprised that we were getting good news at all and we were kinda in a little bit of shock listening as he explained how good this was that my body was responding so well.  Ben and I just waited.  We knew it was growing somewhere...the liver.  Okay.  How do I feel about that?  ..... Okay, the first thing I thought of was a dear friend back in VA who found out that her liver was covered in tumors and she turned bright yellow before she died.  No, that is not what I want to dwell on right now.  I look at Ben and he is calm and I am feeling pretty calm myself.  I can't help but feel like we have been down this road before and God has always been with us.  I didn't feel like I was free falling this time like when I found out it had gone to my brain.  I felt like I was wrapped in a cocoon of prayer.  Having the cancer in my liver could be the end of me.....but I could say that about every stage I've been through.  So I head out with a new chemo regime laid out for me and a steady dose of Cassie's Tea.  I start making phone calls to my siblings and you know this is the part I hate.  Even though there is good news it is sprinkled with bad, I hate that!  Can't I just give good news?  I'm looking forward to that day, when it is just good news with no bad!

I find when I end up telling people I end up apologizing for the bad news.  It makes my brother irritated that I apologize, but it just comes out.  I hate being the bearer of bad news, but this is something that I can't control.  But I find that I am at peace this time.  I can't help but trust in a Father who has brought me from the brink of death almost more times than I can count.  My first diagnosis, then back in my bones, then the mass wrapped around my C2 vertebrae, then in my bone marrow with numbers in the 800's, then in my brain, now in my liver.  I sit in my Father's hands and I'm very thankful that it is His hands that hold me.  I have no control over what is going on but praise God, He knows what tomorrow holds and He holds me.
So I feel okay.  I feel like God is still in control and that is all I need to feel.  I'm here today and I'm going to live every day that I am here.  :)