Blog #51

I was thinking about my last blog and I hope I am sharing what people need to hear to know that I am only human and God can help you through whatever you are going through as well. I realize that this hits women much more personally and I hope I can be a blessing, or should I say God through me, because it is not me.

I was getting out of the shower this morning and getting ready for my treatment in a couple of hours when I glanced in the mirror. Mistake ....... It is hard to look at a body covered in scars and not feel ugly. I have gained weight which I needed to do, but being thin was nice, and I felt like I was fitting in to a different crowd. All those who struggle with weight know exactly what I mean. To be able to go to Walmart and look at the clearance rack for "normal" sizes is almost euphoric when it has been a long time since you have been in that size bracket. Then to slowly go back up the scale? That is just irritating! I know that the steroids are making it hard, but it gets under your skin to your heart! Here I am looking pudgy and scarred! How can my husband possibly see any beauty?

Well, reading and praying this morning are good for my doubts. God has just the way of revealing to my heart how He loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. He made me and He showed me ever so gently that He thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. Let that sink in......no matter what!! It definitely effects what I do and how I feel about myself. Even in my sin and shame He thought I was beautiful and worth saving. How do we process that as humans? We should engrave it on our hearts, our hands and foreheads!!!! I am beautiful to God and He loves me no matter what....even with scars, no hair and overweight? YES!!!! Gosh, I can put on my princess dress and dance for my Father because I'm beautiful and He loves me!!! Now when the devil comes calling and he surely will, I just need to mentally pull out the dress and dance.

This cancer is ugly and the battle is daily and constant, but I can hold the hand of my Father, and know that everything is okay. My confidence is in Him and I need not look at myself with disgust, I need to see the beauty He created ...... me.

I love you Father and I need you, every day.

Blog #50

Life on the other side of treatments is so difficult to put into words. I have good days and bad days, thank the Lord there are more good than bad, and wonderfully, the bad aren't real bad! I have swelling in my right leg more than my left so it gets more stiff and it stays larger than my left. There are days where I can feel it catching a nerve, or pinching it and it makes walking and sitting uncomfortable. But it has yet to slow me down. Why share this? Because as I have stated before, it truly is a mental battle. I can feel the devil constantly attacking my mental state of being. How I feel mentally truly effects everything I do all day long and when I don't start my day giving God control of my mental state....it does not go well. Some days it can be as simple as feeling lonely. Then the hypersensitivity of my hip and all its not feeling "normal" screams at me throughout the day because I feel down. It becomes a self-pity party if I let it. Talk about an easy trap to fall into!! Questions like..."why me?.....why here?.....why now?......why like this?....."

On days like this I have to physically seek the Lord and ask for His help because I can't get out on my own. Then He reminds me of what He brought me through and how I can share with others who are going through it as well. I and we can't do it in our strength....it is way too hard! I love that He loves me enough to take care of my doubts and fears and He can handle it. I can trust Him to know what is best for me....and the crazy thing is that even if it hurts....He loves me through it.

He never said He would take the pain away just that He would go through it with me. I literally don't have to feel lonely or depressed by myself. I have been reading through the New Testament and just reading how the crowds treated Him, He was so lonely and used. He knows exactly how I feel and He goes through it with me. Not just behind me holding me up, but with me feeling it too. When I hurt He hurts, when I cry He cries, when I sing, He sings with me....can it get any better? I have a Savior who experiences my heart with me and helps me through my darkest hours. I am thankful, because the past couple of weeks have been emotionally stressful. I view things so differently now, but the devil is not stupid and he is constantly looking for ways to tear me down. BUT, I know the King and He battles on MY behalf!! Boy, that is worth shouting about!!! I know the devil must hate me on soooo many levels because I came out on the other side of this dark encounter with death praising God and praying like my life depended on it. Or should I say, like others life depended on it!! I am sure that is the reason for the mental battles. The devil wants to hinder my prayer life, but it has only made me want to pray even more!! What tickles me is that I have been wanting to pray for others! So look out devil, I am praying some pretty heavy prayer cover for my loved ones!!! Woo! Hoo!!!!

So, this weekend I went to NC to visit my best friend and it was like a fresh drink of water. To be renewed in spirit is almost indescribable. I felt good physically, but I also struggle with the mental of gaining weight and losing hair. This is such a mental thing for ladies! To be able to share with another woman and keep my perspective and hopes up, it was priceless. It is hard to feel beautiful when what the world equates as beauty is taken away..... That is when I need to focus on what my Father thinks of me, and my spouse, and my friends. There is more to beauty than physical. It just requires some reminding, because the devil definitely wants us to focus on how the world views it. So I came home feeling renewed and blessed. Then our service on Sunday filled me to overflowing. God is soooo good!! I feel ready to attack this week :) And I look forward to being renewed again :)

Blog #49

I have been out of touch for about a month and a half...no internet. But so much has happened, that I need to try and catch up.

I have been so blessed with such incredible friends and God has allowed them to come and visit after we moved. It has been a busy June/July but it has been incredible. We have had visitors from everywhere and almost every weekend. But I have felt up to company and it made it awesome! I have been able to cook, clean, wash clothes, change beds, stay up and watch movies, and play games and more!! Just the joy of being able to get up and cook breakfast for my family has been incredible!

Johnny started school and I have been keeping all the family schedules running as smoothly as possible. LOL!! With everyone's work schedule at different times I am the only constant in the house, and it feels so wonderful to be able to be here if for no other reason than to make everything flow. I have some days where my hip will give me trouble but it hasn't slowed me down, until one weekend it almost knocked me down. I was trying to exercise my hips just for staying in shape because I have to take steroids with my chemo treatments. Well, I guess I did too much because it got so painful that I had to stop and lie down. That bothered me because the first thought is .... "it's back!!!" So I just called my kids in and we prayed right then and there, I was not going to allow the doubt to enter and give the devil a foothold. Needless to say, by the next day it was almost back to normal and by Tuesday when I went to see the doctor I wasn't hurting at all. Then I got the good news of my numbers dropping another 200 pts. !!!! The normal range for the average person who doesn't have cancer is 24-35....I am so close to that number at 59!!! Is God just incredible or what?!??!!!

I wake up every morning and grab a cup of hot tea and head out to the back deck to have my time with God while I listen to the birds and look at the mountains. It is almost indescribable how I feel to still be here and know that my life is in His hands and He has given me another day. The smallest things become such incredible displays of His love. And just being able to share with my family and friends what they mean to me, all of sudden I don't want to wait to let them know how I feel...they need to know now. We aren't promised tomorrow, only right now.

Something else that has changed drastically for me is my prayer life. I have always wanted to spend more time in prayer but never knew quite how to fit it in....how awful to say that out loud! If you want to pray, than you pray. I just didn't know how to make the time to pray, now I get up early just to pray and I can't wait to get up and get started! I love my time in God's word and learning something new about Him thrills me! I sometimes get distracted with reading other books about God and our relationship with Him and don't read the Bible. Don't we all go through that? Well, I like reading other author's but....BUT, it is not God's Word, it is someone elses word and even their opinion. I have been almost craving the scriptures...yeah, I believe that is the right word... I just need time with this God who loves me enough to give me more time with my family. I started to realize that I have become quite aggressive in my prayer life and the devil must just hate me! But when you look at the door of eternity and realize who might go with you and who might not....all of a sudden prayer becomes very important for those you love! So all of a sudden those in my family and circle of friends that may not know Jesus personally or are having a hard time with circumstances with their life? Well, you have been covered with some serious prayer!
Best of all is that God has been answering and that only makes me want to pray more! I want to go to battle for those I love, because if I don't who will? My children have been my prayer supporters and partners. We pray about everything! LOL!! I am sooo thankful! If my kids learn nothing else but how important prayer is, than my job will have been a success.

I was planning on going back to work but just the random hip pain I was having kept me from doing that. But it seemed to be how God wanted to work it out in the first place. So I have been able to stay at home and keep our home in running order. We got some chickens and that has been just awesome! We love them and the fresh eggs :) And I love to listen to our rooster crow every morning.

We had two weeks with the teens from Dickson. It was wonderful!! My kids were overjoyed to have their friends in town and to all be back together again! It was good for me as well, it had been too long to hear them all together! They are all my boys!

I had one other answer to prayer. I have been missing being involved in some way or in some part of ministry. God opened the door for me to work with the ladies at our church. I am so happy and looking forward to it! Isn't it just like a loving Father to give is the desires of our heart? Well we have a Father who loves to do that!! I am so thankful!!

I have so much to tell but it would make this go on forever! I will try to get back on soon and keep everyone updated as best as I can. :)

Blog #48

We have moved to our own home and we don't have internet yet so my blogs have slowed down, and I hate that because so much has happened that I don't want to get behind!!

Our move was crazy but incredible in so many ways! I am just amazed at how God has provided! Maybe amazed is the wrong word, it should be overwhelmed! I feel like He has opened the floodgates of Heaven and poured out His love on me and my family. I wake up feeling weepy (happy) and go to bed feeling the same way :) From the first night we moved in it was like I was taking energy pills. I literally got stronger every day. Now I go up and down my steps with ease and I can do almost anything! I even hung my husbands closet for him and put all his clothes up. (who's the man?!) All I have left in my house to work on is my little office space, and that is because we aren't sure yet how we want it set up, but everything else is set up. Pictures, knick-knack's, clothes, dishes, closets....I am soooo happy!! I get up in the morning and spend my time with the most AWESOME GOD ever!! I declare, I have read more than I can count that He knows my name. How reassuring to be reminded daily?

We had visitors our first weekend and I truly thought I would have to be lying down the whole time, but NO! Not with God in control! I have had visitors every weekend but one and I have felt wonderful and have been able to cook and clean.....who get's excited about cooking and cleaning? That would be me!! I have been to church every Sunday and Wednesday since we have moved and it is just the most overwhelming feeling....am I boring anyone? I hope not. I just know so many have prayed for healing and I am on that road.... God is answering and I want to shout to the world that I am getting better.

We had dinner last night and I made a pork roast with cabbage. It made me weepy....(no estrogen definitely magnify's that!!) I was happy to be cooking, to be with my family and to be eating! Isn't it amazing how we take things for granted then something happens and all of a sudden our whole perspective changes? The smallest things make me happy, but my joy comes from the love of my Father! I love how He loves me, and I get to be with Him everyday. How fortunate we are, and yet we don't even realize it! I hope all who have been praying for me and keeping up with me see that I am no one special....God loves you just the same way and what is He doing to get your attention? What does He have to do to get your attention? I hope it isn't too painful, but we have a tendency to ignore anything and everything until it gets painful ..... then we look to the Father.

I am not sure why it happened this way for me, but I know I am not the same. I don't want to go back to the way it was. I keep putting remembrance symbols around me. I don't want to forget, I don't want to down play it, I want to embrace it and let it grow. I want to dive into my relationship with the Father and I don't want to look back!! I shared my last blog with you all, it was a life changing event for me....my sister sent me a message on June 22, she thought she was going to read My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers for June 22. But she accidentally read July 22. Please read it if you have a copy of it. It gave me goose bumps.... Being sanctified by God. How he strips away all of what we are to realize who we are in Him. It is awesome!!

I will try to post sooner, I am sitting at Duncan Donuts drinking a Cherry Coke, hopefully with some prayer, we will be able to get internet soon. God will work it out. He always does. :)

But as of today, I am ready to go home, I am ready to stay.....I am His, He can do what He wants with me. :) It's a good place to be :)

Blog #47

I had a revelation that I wanted to share.....God has been dealing with me on so many levels but it all became so clear as the weeks have passed that I realized it has changed me. Completely from the inside out. After moving to East Tennessee my cancer has just gotten out of control and I reached a level of do chemo of cross into eternity. My doctor actually told me that what I was doing naturally wasn't helping at all, my tumor marker numbers were tripling and then the pain became so unbearable that I was forced to bed with pain meds as a constant diet to just make it through the day and night. And it barely did that. I did three weeks of radiation losing weight at an unhealthy rate (pain meds and cancer kept me sick and throwing up, nothing stayed down) hoping to ease the pain enough that I might be able to just walk around again without needing someone to almost carry me from place to place. I went two months in bed with nothing but thinking to occupy my mind.

The attack of the mind is acute and painful, but I found, oh so necessary. Here I am lying in bed feeling more worthless than I've ever felt in my life. My whole world has revolved around ministry and my home. I wanted to be involved in ministry since before I was even married. So when I got married I jumped in with both feet. Here is my list of what I was involved, or should I say, what I felt like defined me as who I am.

Teen ministry- Sunday school, Wednesday night bible study, camp, VBS(for teens), youth retreats, Drama, lock-ins

Women's ministry- Woman's Auxiliary, Ladies retreat, bible studies, lock-ins, Drama,

Choir, Drama director,

then came Pastor's wife...

Children's Church Director, youth leader, praise and worship team, Ladies Sunday school teacher, etc, etc, etc,

I can almost keep going....I keep remembering more and more that I was involved in. Oh, church softball and volleyball leagues. (they were awesome!)

Even when I found out I had cancer it didn't slow me down, my ministry was what defined me, or so I thought. But then I took a turn for the worse....and it all went away.

As I laid there day after day an invalid, with nothing that I could do on my own and nothing to offer I was beginning to feel in-valid. Everything that I felt defined me for who I was was taken away. I was no longer a pastor's wife, a teen leader, a worship leader, a women's leader, I had nothing to offer, not even as a mother. My children were taking care of their sick mother, not me taking care of them. I couldn't even be a wife. I had nothing to contribute, nothing to offer, even as a daughter-in-law in my in-laws home. God very gently stripped everything out of my life that I had believed made me who I am, of defined me. So I lay there even to the point of being afraid to talk to God....there was nothing left to me just a shell. I was wrong.

In God's way that only He can do, He spoke my name. He told me oh so gently, to my spirit that He didn't need all that I have to offer to love me. He loved me, not what I can do for Him, He loved me. The Creator and Lover of my soul made me to love me! Wow! What I do in return has nothing to do with how He loves me! How simple, and yet so profound! I began to see the value in me, just me, nothing else, because it is just me that He loves. What I offer back in love is freely accepted but it doesn't make Him love me more! He already loves me more!!!! As I slowly let this love fill me I ran across some verses in Revelation talking about the name that God has just for me. My new name that I know will define who I really am in Him. Talk about goose bumps! He knows my name, who I really am ...in Him and I can't wait to know it! It is just me! Let me lay aside all my titles, let me embrace this story He has written for me, this story of Grace and realize that I want to give all that I have out of love back to Him, but it doesn't make Him love me more, He already loves me more than I can possibly fathom! And just realizing that has SET ME FREE!!!

We go through our christian walk thinking if I do this, or that....no! Stop right there! Listen to Him, He loves you ...Period! Give back out of love, but it doesn't make you who you are, He makes you who you are, He has created you to love you, the Lover of your soul! Let Him show just how much!

I thank God for my months of bedridden solitude! It set me free.

Blog #46

I must say I keep coming back to feeling like this is so much more than a physical attack on my body. Some days are just so emotionally draining! I had such a good time last night with my family and just hearing us all together and the laughter was like a medicine that my soul needed! But one little accident (spilled coke) and I'm feeling like a worthless piece of dog doo doo! It never ceases to amaze me how much it drains me emotionally to be battling this cancer. When I don't feel good it feels like I have a web of cotton strung across my mind. It is hard to even imagine times when I felt good physically....like playing volleyball or softball. Like my body can't even remember what that felt like. I will try to remember hiking across the prairie with my kids and it's like I can only imagine struggling not really doing it.... How is that fair!!? It makes me want to pull out albums... which are of course packed away in storage. So the mental goes on and on!

So now I find that every Tuesday the cycle with start over with this web of cotton draped over my brain...and by the weekend it starts to lighten up. This is going to be difficult. But I would like to do something to counter it, I'm just not sure what. I have three weeks of chemo and one week off. Boy, those two weeks will feel like Heaven!! Maybe that is the week we will be moving...I need to check that out. Boy! Say some prayers for the move...that makes me feel totally worthless! I am trying not to feel that way but it is extremely difficult! Anywho, having a place of our own will feel almost foreign at this point. It will really be nice. :)

Blog #45

Well I turned 41.....Does that say it all? It fell on a Sunday and I was in bed all day with a fever and felt like doo doo. BUT, I am still here! That is the point, right? Monday was a different day, I felt tired a queasy but I was able to get up a move around a little. We had some visitors, which shall remain nameless....it was very different. I'll leave that one in God's hands. Tuesday rolled around faster than I wanted it to get here. I was very depressed to even think about starting chemo again. I feel like coming full circle is such an understatement. I have done, religiously, all that I know to do naturally. It was like I was throwing feathers at a brick wall. The cancer was advancing faster than ever before. What changed? Nothing, I even got more strict with my natural remedies. So, now it became a question of chemo again. I prayed then turned to my family. If I kept going down the road I am on, the end would come quickly. I left the decision up to them, so here I am with chemo running through my veins again. But, who am I to not try everything for my family? I was dying quickly, maybe God is chuckling at our presumption that we have all the answers. He can use whatever He wants to slow this down. So I get the incredible luxury of trusting Him, no matter what. There is definitely a peace in that. I guess that is the hard part for most people. Trusting when it doesn't make sense. But isn't that the point? Who cares what sense it makes to us? It only matters that He knows. So I get to just sit back and focus on getting stronger. I'll fight, never ceasing because I love my family and I'd like to see some weddings and maybe some grandkids. But secretly? I'm praying for the rapture! Boy! Now that would be an answer to prayer!!!!