#103
I have had a very busy past couple of weeks with positive and negative. I went to water aerobics and learned how easy it was to do and also how easy it was to over do it. My third class I pulled a muscle in my back and did too much in my leg.....it was really bad! I could hardly deal with the pain in my back but the worst was I started running a fever and couldn't stop shaking. I thought I was getting a sinus infection. NO. It was my leg and the lymphodema, it had gotten infected from over work. It swelled up and was red and hot to the touch! It was awful!! I got some antibiotics and was okay in a couple of days but it was not fun at all. Then my back...it gets to feeling better then starts hurting again. I have gone back and forth for three weeks! So, because it is still giving me pain I will let them know tomorrow, even though they really can't do anything about it.
On the good news side, our SS class gave us money to help us out at Christmas, it was such a blessing, and caught us so off guard! God is just so wonderful in taking care of us! We may have found our home church and I am so happy that I just can't put it into words. I have been making gifts for the ladies at the doctors office. I'm excited and can't wait to see their faces :)) It will be a good Christmas :)
Monday, December 10, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
# 103
I have been doing really well since my last scans and I have been feeling very grateful. Every chance I've had I have been letting people know how awesome God is and what He has done for me. Perfect timing to Thanksgiving :) I started going to the YMCA for my physical therapy since my insurance won't cover any more PT. My therapist told my about the Y offering free water aerobics for people with arthritis. The Arthritis Foundation offers it for people just like me. :))
So I have gone to two classes and I am having a blast for so many reasons! First I can move in so many more ways while in water that it makes me excited to think I'm moving that hip joint and keeping it loose...yay!! But, boy does it wear me out in a good way :) So I go into aerobics and I am the youngest one there by 25 to 30yrs. It is so much fun listening to these 6 to 8 sweet, older ladies and 3 to 4 older men. Some joke and ask about spouses .... others laugh and flirt... it is just too much fun! Now the icing on the cake....this young life guard, I mean like my son's age around 20 was giving me the eye!! He only talked to me and no one else going in then coming out with a bunch of smiles it made me roll laughing! I am sooooo not a cougar! Bwahahahahahahaaaa!!!! And the way this cancer has deformed me? I just couldn't stop laughing! So I head back today with my mother-in-law to see if she would like to try and WHAM-O!! He struck again! I was laughing the whole way home AGAIN! Well, the PT is wonderful the golden oldies are adorable and my own personal flirt makes me laugh hysterically. It has been a good week.
One more wonderful thing this week, well maybe two. We got a visit from a friend who sponsored a drive for the school to help give needy families enough food for Thanksgiving dinner. She gave us four boxes of food and TWO turkeys! We have been pretty tight lately due to some unexpected expenses....it was just an answer to prayer and I thank God for it. He is so good to us and we just cried and thanked Him as we stood around the table... :)) The other half of the good weekend...a church has asked Ben to be their Pastor. So we need some prayer cover...my husband and I want to follow God's lead so we will be praying if this is the right place. Like we always do, we will follow Him. :)
I have been doing really well since my last scans and I have been feeling very grateful. Every chance I've had I have been letting people know how awesome God is and what He has done for me. Perfect timing to Thanksgiving :) I started going to the YMCA for my physical therapy since my insurance won't cover any more PT. My therapist told my about the Y offering free water aerobics for people with arthritis. The Arthritis Foundation offers it for people just like me. :))
So I have gone to two classes and I am having a blast for so many reasons! First I can move in so many more ways while in water that it makes me excited to think I'm moving that hip joint and keeping it loose...yay!! But, boy does it wear me out in a good way :) So I go into aerobics and I am the youngest one there by 25 to 30yrs. It is so much fun listening to these 6 to 8 sweet, older ladies and 3 to 4 older men. Some joke and ask about spouses .... others laugh and flirt... it is just too much fun! Now the icing on the cake....this young life guard, I mean like my son's age around 20 was giving me the eye!! He only talked to me and no one else going in then coming out with a bunch of smiles it made me roll laughing! I am sooooo not a cougar! Bwahahahahahahaaaa!!!! And the way this cancer has deformed me? I just couldn't stop laughing! So I head back today with my mother-in-law to see if she would like to try and WHAM-O!! He struck again! I was laughing the whole way home AGAIN! Well, the PT is wonderful the golden oldies are adorable and my own personal flirt makes me laugh hysterically. It has been a good week.
One more wonderful thing this week, well maybe two. We got a visit from a friend who sponsored a drive for the school to help give needy families enough food for Thanksgiving dinner. She gave us four boxes of food and TWO turkeys! We have been pretty tight lately due to some unexpected expenses....it was just an answer to prayer and I thank God for it. He is so good to us and we just cried and thanked Him as we stood around the table... :)) The other half of the good weekend...a church has asked Ben to be their Pastor. So we need some prayer cover...my husband and I want to follow God's lead so we will be praying if this is the right place. Like we always do, we will follow Him. :)
Thursday, November 1, 2012
# 102
I haven't have a chance to post my good news which makes my last post pointless except to say that I had to go through the whole weekend being very down. I received a phone call from my doctor late Monday afternoon after having gone through the whole weekend thinking that my end was rushing at me much quicker than I was expecting. He said he had very good news, that my scans were not read correctly. Let me see if I can explain...I took a CT scan in Feb. of this year and another two weeks ago. I also took a PET scan in July. My radiologist was comparing the two CT scans which is normal procedure. BUT, it would have very different reactions from the radiologist because in Feb I had no cancer in my liver at the time. But in July I did. So he was looking at growth that he thought was brand new.
My doctor noticed the discrepancy in my tumor marker numbers and called the radiologist to see what he did. Then had him compare July with 2 wks ago. Needless to say, he saw the cancer and how SMALL it had gotten!! So my doctor was telling me that everyone was jumping and shouting for joy!! Well, SO WAS I!!! So I am sticking with this chemo for a while and we will see how small we can get this cancer to go!! Actually it doesn't matter what the chemo does, it's all God anyway! PRAISE GOD!! PRAISE GOD!!
I haven't have a chance to post my good news which makes my last post pointless except to say that I had to go through the whole weekend being very down. I received a phone call from my doctor late Monday afternoon after having gone through the whole weekend thinking that my end was rushing at me much quicker than I was expecting. He said he had very good news, that my scans were not read correctly. Let me see if I can explain...I took a CT scan in Feb. of this year and another two weeks ago. I also took a PET scan in July. My radiologist was comparing the two CT scans which is normal procedure. BUT, it would have very different reactions from the radiologist because in Feb I had no cancer in my liver at the time. But in July I did. So he was looking at growth that he thought was brand new.
My doctor noticed the discrepancy in my tumor marker numbers and called the radiologist to see what he did. Then had him compare July with 2 wks ago. Needless to say, he saw the cancer and how SMALL it had gotten!! So my doctor was telling me that everyone was jumping and shouting for joy!! Well, SO WAS I!!! So I am sticking with this chemo for a while and we will see how small we can get this cancer to go!! Actually it doesn't matter what the chemo does, it's all God anyway! PRAISE GOD!! PRAISE GOD!!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
# 101
I didn't get good results from my scans on Friday. If you have never been through it, it is hard to describe how it makes you feel. I never break down or freak out and I know that is just me leaning on the Father, but it will eventually make the tears come. My scans showed that it has grown quite a bit in my liver, I now have a spot in my right lung and it has started growing again in my bones. I have now crossed over into scary. I say that but you need to understand what is scary to me. I'm not afraid to die at all. That is going home for me. But being in a lot of pain or turning neon yellow scares me because I DO NOT want my kids to see me like that! I had a dear, sweet friend in Virginia who found tumors on her liver and she glowed yellow and was gone in 3months. It was hard to watch, but so joyful to see her go in her sleep to be with our Savior.
I find that tears are always close to the surface. Ben was in the kitchen cooking chili (it was awesome!) when I walked in and he asked if he should add tomatoes and I said yes. His response,"I'm so glad you are here to tell me how to do this right :)" I burst into tears! I hate the thought of leaving my best friend here or my kids here. I want to help them in their life to come. I want to be the helpmeet for my husband and I want to continue to be his confidant. I know where I will be, but it is hard to imagine the hole I will leave. Okay Robin, God can take care of your family better than you can! Say that again till you feel it in your toes!!
We do all we can to laugh and praise God through all of this, my youngest said, "How unfair that you get to skip out early and miss everything getting worse until the rapture!!" I responded with..."hate that for ya!" We all laughed, then Patsy started crying. My boys try to be strong and
are happy when I start joking...it is just too close to the surface. Or should I say too close to the heart. I just never dreamed this would be happening to me at the ripe young age of 42. We wanted to be young when we had our kids so we would be young when they had their kids. I always regretted that my father never had a chance to meet my kids. He would have loved them! Now there is a big possibility that my kids will say that about me.
Okay, here is where I get into trouble....God can still cure me if He wants too. I can't dwell on the what if's. It will depress me too much and on the flip side if I focus too much on Heaven then I won't want to fight to stay here! Is that crazy?!! Father, please help me to be ready for either eventuality. I can do this with your help but only Yours. Thank-you for the prayers, I have needed every single one of them! I love you all, my friends and family.
I didn't get good results from my scans on Friday. If you have never been through it, it is hard to describe how it makes you feel. I never break down or freak out and I know that is just me leaning on the Father, but it will eventually make the tears come. My scans showed that it has grown quite a bit in my liver, I now have a spot in my right lung and it has started growing again in my bones. I have now crossed over into scary. I say that but you need to understand what is scary to me. I'm not afraid to die at all. That is going home for me. But being in a lot of pain or turning neon yellow scares me because I DO NOT want my kids to see me like that! I had a dear, sweet friend in Virginia who found tumors on her liver and she glowed yellow and was gone in 3months. It was hard to watch, but so joyful to see her go in her sleep to be with our Savior.
I find that tears are always close to the surface. Ben was in the kitchen cooking chili (it was awesome!) when I walked in and he asked if he should add tomatoes and I said yes. His response,"I'm so glad you are here to tell me how to do this right :)" I burst into tears! I hate the thought of leaving my best friend here or my kids here. I want to help them in their life to come. I want to be the helpmeet for my husband and I want to continue to be his confidant. I know where I will be, but it is hard to imagine the hole I will leave. Okay Robin, God can take care of your family better than you can! Say that again till you feel it in your toes!!
We do all we can to laugh and praise God through all of this, my youngest said, "How unfair that you get to skip out early and miss everything getting worse until the rapture!!" I responded with..."hate that for ya!" We all laughed, then Patsy started crying. My boys try to be strong and
are happy when I start joking...it is just too close to the surface. Or should I say too close to the heart. I just never dreamed this would be happening to me at the ripe young age of 42. We wanted to be young when we had our kids so we would be young when they had their kids. I always regretted that my father never had a chance to meet my kids. He would have loved them! Now there is a big possibility that my kids will say that about me.
Okay, here is where I get into trouble....God can still cure me if He wants too. I can't dwell on the what if's. It will depress me too much and on the flip side if I focus too much on Heaven then I won't want to fight to stay here! Is that crazy?!! Father, please help me to be ready for either eventuality. I can do this with your help but only Yours. Thank-you for the prayers, I have needed every single one of them! I love you all, my friends and family.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
# 100
After beating myself up at Universal Studios on the 8th of Oct. I came home and was in bed for a week and a half. Taking pain pills and using ice packs and heating pads...LOL!! Two weeks later I am feeling good and a special thanks to my Physical Therapist Diane. She was very good to me and had me feeling so much better. God is sooo good to me to allow me to go the Florida in the first place, but I think I covered all that in my last post. So, on to tomorrow....
Well I go in for a CT scan tomorrow which means I have to drink the nasty, chalky stuff. I feel really good but that really doesn't mean anything with me. The last time I felt really good it had gone to my brain. LOL!! So I go in to these scans knowing that I'm in God's hands. There is nothing I can do about what they find except be okay with whatever comes. I have had so much prayer and I know it is what has gotten me to this point, but it truly has been a learning process. I love that God holds me in His hands and wants what is best for me, so like the three Hebrew children, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednigo I can say with all my heart, " My God is able to heal me, but if He chooses not to I will still serve Him!!" Just like Ps. 63:3 Because His lovingkindness is greater than life, my lips will praise You! So if you read this blog I always appreciate prayer cover, thank-you, because who you are praying to is the one holding my life in His hands (and yours as well :).
On a different line my husband has put his name out to Pastor again. He has taken the last two years off while we battled for my life and now that I am doing well and feeling well the call on his heart has become unbearable. He needs to be preaching again. We felt God moving and knew it was coming but we would love to have some prayer cover so we will make the right decision and go where He wants us. We want to serve and will do whatever he wants us to do. He has preached at two different churches and we are going somewhere else next week. I am enjoying the variety of church bodies, so I feel good about wherever we may go, but that doesn't matter. God has our church picked out for us and I am ready to find it :) It is very calming to know that God knows where we will land, I'm getting excited about it. I'll keep everyone posted about my scans which I will know on Thursday and about our church status. Thanks for the continued prayers, I can't make it a day without them :) Love you all!!
After beating myself up at Universal Studios on the 8th of Oct. I came home and was in bed for a week and a half. Taking pain pills and using ice packs and heating pads...LOL!! Two weeks later I am feeling good and a special thanks to my Physical Therapist Diane. She was very good to me and had me feeling so much better. God is sooo good to me to allow me to go the Florida in the first place, but I think I covered all that in my last post. So, on to tomorrow....
Well I go in for a CT scan tomorrow which means I have to drink the nasty, chalky stuff. I feel really good but that really doesn't mean anything with me. The last time I felt really good it had gone to my brain. LOL!! So I go in to these scans knowing that I'm in God's hands. There is nothing I can do about what they find except be okay with whatever comes. I have had so much prayer and I know it is what has gotten me to this point, but it truly has been a learning process. I love that God holds me in His hands and wants what is best for me, so like the three Hebrew children, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednigo I can say with all my heart, " My God is able to heal me, but if He chooses not to I will still serve Him!!" Just like Ps. 63:3 Because His lovingkindness is greater than life, my lips will praise You! So if you read this blog I always appreciate prayer cover, thank-you, because who you are praying to is the one holding my life in His hands (and yours as well :).
On a different line my husband has put his name out to Pastor again. He has taken the last two years off while we battled for my life and now that I am doing well and feeling well the call on his heart has become unbearable. He needs to be preaching again. We felt God moving and knew it was coming but we would love to have some prayer cover so we will make the right decision and go where He wants us. We want to serve and will do whatever he wants us to do. He has preached at two different churches and we are going somewhere else next week. I am enjoying the variety of church bodies, so I feel good about wherever we may go, but that doesn't matter. God has our church picked out for us and I am ready to find it :) It is very calming to know that God knows where we will land, I'm getting excited about it. I'll keep everyone posted about my scans which I will know on Thursday and about our church status. Thanks for the continued prayers, I can't make it a day without them :) Love you all!!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
# 99
Okay, there is so much to cover I will try not to take too long in saying it. But, it is all good :)) I was wanting to take a trip with my husband down to Tampa to visit my sister and we had so many things happen that I just couldn't do it. So my sister calls and says that she wants to buy me and my daughter plane tickets so we can come down for a visit. I cried for days every time I'd think about it! My daughter was beside herself since she has never been on a plane before and we were going to Universal Studios as well.
We started to plan and laugh and be so excited we could hardly breath! Then my sister sends a text and says she needs me to speak to her ladies and give my testimony since they were going through "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. Okay, I don't mind doing that because I've read the book and it changed my life. So if God receives glory, I'm totally okay with that. Then she sends another text...now I'm singing in the choir and singing a solo. Feeling a little nervous now... but I would love to participate! So the day is getting nearer and nearer we are coming undone. Oh, wait, one more text...my sister got a hold of my Aunt Betty and my cousin Melissa and we were spending Friday with them. I'm not sure I could feel any happier!
So the day arrives and off to the airport we go! We leave from Tri-Cities to Charlotte then to Tampa. It was short trips and Patsy was all about pics and looking out the window :) We arrive to 85 degree weather....yeah. We get off the plane and both Patsy and I are starving so Patina takes us to the Cheesecake Factory. It was delicious but it always is. We laughed and talked and headed to her house via a short tour of her church and neighborhood. We spent the evening with Patina and Shawna looking at old pictures and planning for the next day with Aunt Betty at the beach. Patsy and I went to bed happy and pleasantly tired.
Friday we woke packed up some stuff and put on our suits to head to Anna Maria Island. We went to Aunt Betty's and met Melissa there. We hugged, laughed, cried, and packed up in Melissa's van and headed to the beach. We had lunch at Mr. Bones which was awesome then headed to the water. It was perfect! Clear, sea foam green water at about 80-85 degrees and beautiful white sands. We got into the water and didn't want to get out...it was dreamy :)) We headed back to Aunt Betty's and I was feeling pretty tired so we pulled out her old pics and everyone sprawled out and passed pics around and walked and laughed down memory lane. It was a night I won't forget! :))
Saturday was spent just hanging out with Patina, Patrick and Shawna. We hung out in her pool, played a blind taste test game...watched Youtube...it was so much fun!
Sunday was incredible! To be a part of the choir, to praise and worship with my sister's church, to hear my niece sing, and my nephew play the guitar I was overwhelmed. Then I had a chance to give my testimony to Patina's class. God was present and I'm thankful for His blessing. I was able to share and God blessed, He is just so faithful. The icing on the cake for me was that Aunt Betty and Melissa with her girls were able to come that Sunday morning. We all went to lunch and caught up even more if that is possible. It was just so wonderful :))
On Monday morning it was time to head to Universal Studios. I don't have enough words to say how awesome this was!! It was me, Patsy, Shawna, Patina and Debbie. We rented a wheelchair and were able to take the fast track on the rides. It was really awesome and I wasn't hurting at all. The rides were so smooth and fun that I was overjoyed! Until the last ride which was Spiderman 3D and it shook and jarred me so bad I was hurting pretty good by the time we got back to the house. I used the heating pad that night and it was relieving, but when we got home (back to TN) I was in so much pain I was crying.
I learned my lesson the hard way, my back and good hip had pulled muscles so last week was spent in bed with pain pills and heating pads. But I was able to go and I thank God for it. I go for more scans in two weeks so I'm anxious to get that done and see where I stand. I don't feel worried, I feel like God is still in control :)) I love Him for giving me a weekend with my sister, it was wonderful, thank-you Father :))
Okay, there is so much to cover I will try not to take too long in saying it. But, it is all good :)) I was wanting to take a trip with my husband down to Tampa to visit my sister and we had so many things happen that I just couldn't do it. So my sister calls and says that she wants to buy me and my daughter plane tickets so we can come down for a visit. I cried for days every time I'd think about it! My daughter was beside herself since she has never been on a plane before and we were going to Universal Studios as well.
We started to plan and laugh and be so excited we could hardly breath! Then my sister sends a text and says she needs me to speak to her ladies and give my testimony since they were going through "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. Okay, I don't mind doing that because I've read the book and it changed my life. So if God receives glory, I'm totally okay with that. Then she sends another text...now I'm singing in the choir and singing a solo. Feeling a little nervous now... but I would love to participate! So the day is getting nearer and nearer we are coming undone. Oh, wait, one more text...my sister got a hold of my Aunt Betty and my cousin Melissa and we were spending Friday with them. I'm not sure I could feel any happier!
So the day arrives and off to the airport we go! We leave from Tri-Cities to Charlotte then to Tampa. It was short trips and Patsy was all about pics and looking out the window :) We arrive to 85 degree weather....yeah. We get off the plane and both Patsy and I are starving so Patina takes us to the Cheesecake Factory. It was delicious but it always is. We laughed and talked and headed to her house via a short tour of her church and neighborhood. We spent the evening with Patina and Shawna looking at old pictures and planning for the next day with Aunt Betty at the beach. Patsy and I went to bed happy and pleasantly tired.
Friday we woke packed up some stuff and put on our suits to head to Anna Maria Island. We went to Aunt Betty's and met Melissa there. We hugged, laughed, cried, and packed up in Melissa's van and headed to the beach. We had lunch at Mr. Bones which was awesome then headed to the water. It was perfect! Clear, sea foam green water at about 80-85 degrees and beautiful white sands. We got into the water and didn't want to get out...it was dreamy :)) We headed back to Aunt Betty's and I was feeling pretty tired so we pulled out her old pics and everyone sprawled out and passed pics around and walked and laughed down memory lane. It was a night I won't forget! :))
Saturday was spent just hanging out with Patina, Patrick and Shawna. We hung out in her pool, played a blind taste test game...watched Youtube...it was so much fun!
Sunday was incredible! To be a part of the choir, to praise and worship with my sister's church, to hear my niece sing, and my nephew play the guitar I was overwhelmed. Then I had a chance to give my testimony to Patina's class. God was present and I'm thankful for His blessing. I was able to share and God blessed, He is just so faithful. The icing on the cake for me was that Aunt Betty and Melissa with her girls were able to come that Sunday morning. We all went to lunch and caught up even more if that is possible. It was just so wonderful :))
On Monday morning it was time to head to Universal Studios. I don't have enough words to say how awesome this was!! It was me, Patsy, Shawna, Patina and Debbie. We rented a wheelchair and were able to take the fast track on the rides. It was really awesome and I wasn't hurting at all. The rides were so smooth and fun that I was overjoyed! Until the last ride which was Spiderman 3D and it shook and jarred me so bad I was hurting pretty good by the time we got back to the house. I used the heating pad that night and it was relieving, but when we got home (back to TN) I was in so much pain I was crying.
I learned my lesson the hard way, my back and good hip had pulled muscles so last week was spent in bed with pain pills and heating pads. But I was able to go and I thank God for it. I go for more scans in two weeks so I'm anxious to get that done and see where I stand. I don't feel worried, I feel like God is still in control :)) I love Him for giving me a weekend with my sister, it was wonderful, thank-you Father :))
Monday, September 24, 2012
# 98
It's funny how life changes like a flowing river. I have been going to treatments and have been so thankful for the doctors and nurses. They are like my church family, it's my doctor family :) All of my chemo nurses are Christians and we share prayer requests frequently. One of them shared a request for a man who discovered he had a brain tumor. I prayed for him, his wife and children. In two months God took him home. That was about a month ago....I still pray for the wife and kids and talking with my nurse we were discussing how she is doing. What came up? All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose. As we talked about the wife I found myself asking on her behalf...Father, I know you want what is best for us and I hurt for her, please ease her pain. Then I find myself asking how this is good for her? Then my thoughts drift to me....why am I still here? It could have so easily been me that died. I have come so close to death so many times that I have asked why more than I can count. Over the past couple of months I have had a lot of time to focus on the Father. It is emotional going through all these ups and downs with this cancer and learning to let go and trust that He really does love me and want the best for me. He showed me so many times in scripture that He makes promises and keeps them, that He wants me to trust Him so I let go. I let go of this fear that rears it's ugly head when I get tired or get a bad scan...I just let go. I love Psalm 63:3 "Because your lovingkindness is better than life, My lips will praise you." Better than LIFE! No matter what comes my way.....better than life. Praise God He is good and I will praise Him! I know the lady who lost her husband is hurting, but maybe His reason for taking him was because he would have been in horrible pain or crippled or I don't know, BUT my Father does! So I go on the roller coaster but I get to sit in His hands as I go. I'm learning to be very okay with that. I love you Father, and I trust You. Thank-you for letting me stay and be a part of the ministry you have planned for me. I get to praise you and I will continue to do so until you call me home because your lovingkindness is better than life. May I glorify You with all that I am!
It's funny how life changes like a flowing river. I have been going to treatments and have been so thankful for the doctors and nurses. They are like my church family, it's my doctor family :) All of my chemo nurses are Christians and we share prayer requests frequently. One of them shared a request for a man who discovered he had a brain tumor. I prayed for him, his wife and children. In two months God took him home. That was about a month ago....I still pray for the wife and kids and talking with my nurse we were discussing how she is doing. What came up? All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose. As we talked about the wife I found myself asking on her behalf...Father, I know you want what is best for us and I hurt for her, please ease her pain. Then I find myself asking how this is good for her? Then my thoughts drift to me....why am I still here? It could have so easily been me that died. I have come so close to death so many times that I have asked why more than I can count. Over the past couple of months I have had a lot of time to focus on the Father. It is emotional going through all these ups and downs with this cancer and learning to let go and trust that He really does love me and want the best for me. He showed me so many times in scripture that He makes promises and keeps them, that He wants me to trust Him so I let go. I let go of this fear that rears it's ugly head when I get tired or get a bad scan...I just let go. I love Psalm 63:3 "Because your lovingkindness is better than life, My lips will praise you." Better than LIFE! No matter what comes my way.....better than life. Praise God He is good and I will praise Him! I know the lady who lost her husband is hurting, but maybe His reason for taking him was because he would have been in horrible pain or crippled or I don't know, BUT my Father does! So I go on the roller coaster but I get to sit in His hands as I go. I'm learning to be very okay with that. I love you Father, and I trust You. Thank-you for letting me stay and be a part of the ministry you have planned for me. I get to praise you and I will continue to do so until you call me home because your lovingkindness is better than life. May I glorify You with all that I am!
Monday, September 17, 2012
# 97
So I am doing my physical therapy today and I didn't cry!! How wonderful is that?! I am moving a whole lot better with my leg and hip and I can't tell you how awesome it feels :) The crazy thing is that now I am having problems with my TMJ. I am right irritated with it!! I am having a hard time with closing my mouth and I can hardly eat. Yeah, I'd like to lose weight but not like this!
So I guess I just add this to my list. I guess I'll talk to my doctor and see if there is anything they can do. I don't have much hope because my insurance won't cover anything unless it is cancer related. Maybe they can give me some muscle relaxers....that would make me feel good all over! LOL!!
Any who, I am doing well with my new chemo, Haleva. It doesn't have any adverse effects on me so it makes treatments very easy to endure. I feel good and have good energy so I have been able to do more. I have enjoyed two weekends of camping out and friends coming in for the weekend. It has been wonderful :)) God has been very good to me this summer. This Friday night I am having a lock-in for our teens at a comic store in town owned by some friends of ours. It will be a gamers dream lock-in...LOL!! I'm bringing a mattress and a pillow!!
I will try to blog sooner, I just get involved in living and sitting down to blog is not on my mind. That is actually a good thing. :)
So I am doing my physical therapy today and I didn't cry!! How wonderful is that?! I am moving a whole lot better with my leg and hip and I can't tell you how awesome it feels :) The crazy thing is that now I am having problems with my TMJ. I am right irritated with it!! I am having a hard time with closing my mouth and I can hardly eat. Yeah, I'd like to lose weight but not like this!
So I guess I just add this to my list. I guess I'll talk to my doctor and see if there is anything they can do. I don't have much hope because my insurance won't cover anything unless it is cancer related. Maybe they can give me some muscle relaxers....that would make me feel good all over! LOL!!
Any who, I am doing well with my new chemo, Haleva. It doesn't have any adverse effects on me so it makes treatments very easy to endure. I feel good and have good energy so I have been able to do more. I have enjoyed two weekends of camping out and friends coming in for the weekend. It has been wonderful :)) God has been very good to me this summer. This Friday night I am having a lock-in for our teens at a comic store in town owned by some friends of ours. It will be a gamers dream lock-in...LOL!! I'm bringing a mattress and a pillow!!
I will try to blog sooner, I just get involved in living and sitting down to blog is not on my mind. That is actually a good thing. :)
Sunday, September 2, 2012
# 96
I wanted to update everyone on how my new chemo is doing and PT. My new chemo is called Haleva and I take it once a week for two weeks then I am off a week. I have had two treatments and I can't even tell I have had any chemo at all. That is a wonderful plus, let's just hope it is doing it's job :) I'm not sure how long till the run some more scans and blood work again but as soon as I know you will know.
I have been doing really well with my PT and that is wonderful news! I have had no elasticity in that right hip joint and it has made everything so difficult. Well after 12 PT sessions I have seen a noticeable improvement. I went camping last weekend at Davy Crockett with out tent and I couldn't get myself off the ground. But camping out this weekend I can do it all by myself !! How awesome is that?! I am worn out but feeling so happy :)) I love how God just gives such little things and they feel so wonderful !!! Thank-you, Father, You make me feel so special :))
I wanted to update everyone on how my new chemo is doing and PT. My new chemo is called Haleva and I take it once a week for two weeks then I am off a week. I have had two treatments and I can't even tell I have had any chemo at all. That is a wonderful plus, let's just hope it is doing it's job :) I'm not sure how long till the run some more scans and blood work again but as soon as I know you will know.
I have been doing really well with my PT and that is wonderful news! I have had no elasticity in that right hip joint and it has made everything so difficult. Well after 12 PT sessions I have seen a noticeable improvement. I went camping last weekend at Davy Crockett with out tent and I couldn't get myself off the ground. But camping out this weekend I can do it all by myself !! How awesome is that?! I am worn out but feeling so happy :)) I love how God just gives such little things and they feel so wonderful !!! Thank-you, Father, You make me feel so special :))
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
# 95
I received some more bad news today. It is funny how time seems to stand still for just a minute as you process what was said. My PET showed that I have a slight increase of activity in my liver and in a couple lymph nodes in my belly. The doc was not happy and so I will probably have to change chemo's again next week. Even though it was "slight" he doesn't want any growth at all and neither do I.
Ben and I were actually very calm and talked of the next chemo that I will need to take and discussed our plans from here. The doctor walked out and I looked at Ben and asked if he was okay, and just started crying. I know who holds my hand or better yet holds me in His hands but it is hard to ride this roller coaster. I have no fear of dying and thinking of Heaven is exciting to me but, when I think of the Lord taking me home now not later....I just think of my family and I almost can't breath. Then I get mad at myself for getting emotional because He has brought me through soooo much! If He wanted to take me home I have had so many close calls!! So then I go back and read and remind myself of His promises. He is here with me....thank-you, Father! I can't do this without Him...it is much to hard. Some nights I ask God why, or how much longer? But I can't ask that anymore I have to ask for strength and know that even though I don't want to go through it any more, He is still allowing me to go through it, so I will endure. If He didn't give me His strength every day, I just wouldn't be here.
So I'm looking at the list of side effects of the new chemo and I start crying and just say, I can do this Father, because You are with me and give me strength, I'm holding on for dear life Lord, because I trust You....I love You, Father!!
I'm reminded of the song I sang Sunday morning by Twila Paris, it has become a personal testimony and I can hear the Lord's gentle whisper reminding me of its words....
Hard as it seems, standing in dreams
Where is the dreamer now
Wonder if I wanted to try,
Would I remember how
I don't know the way to go from here
But I know that I have made my choice
This is where I stand, until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice
This is the faith, patience to wait
When there is nothing clear
Nothing to see, still we believe
Jesus is very near
I cannot imagine what may come
But I've already made my choice
This is where I stand, until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice
Could it be that He was only waiting there to see,
If I will learn to love the dreams that He has dreamed for me
Can't imagine what the future holds
But I've already made my choice
This is where I stand, until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice
Thank-You Father, I do trust You.
I received some more bad news today. It is funny how time seems to stand still for just a minute as you process what was said. My PET showed that I have a slight increase of activity in my liver and in a couple lymph nodes in my belly. The doc was not happy and so I will probably have to change chemo's again next week. Even though it was "slight" he doesn't want any growth at all and neither do I.
Ben and I were actually very calm and talked of the next chemo that I will need to take and discussed our plans from here. The doctor walked out and I looked at Ben and asked if he was okay, and just started crying. I know who holds my hand or better yet holds me in His hands but it is hard to ride this roller coaster. I have no fear of dying and thinking of Heaven is exciting to me but, when I think of the Lord taking me home now not later....I just think of my family and I almost can't breath. Then I get mad at myself for getting emotional because He has brought me through soooo much! If He wanted to take me home I have had so many close calls!! So then I go back and read and remind myself of His promises. He is here with me....thank-you, Father! I can't do this without Him...it is much to hard. Some nights I ask God why, or how much longer? But I can't ask that anymore I have to ask for strength and know that even though I don't want to go through it any more, He is still allowing me to go through it, so I will endure. If He didn't give me His strength every day, I just wouldn't be here.
So I'm looking at the list of side effects of the new chemo and I start crying and just say, I can do this Father, because You are with me and give me strength, I'm holding on for dear life Lord, because I trust You....I love You, Father!!
I'm reminded of the song I sang Sunday morning by Twila Paris, it has become a personal testimony and I can hear the Lord's gentle whisper reminding me of its words....
Hard as it seems, standing in dreams
Where is the dreamer now
Wonder if I wanted to try,
Would I remember how
I don't know the way to go from here
But I know that I have made my choice
This is where I stand, until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice
This is the faith, patience to wait
When there is nothing clear
Nothing to see, still we believe
Jesus is very near
I cannot imagine what may come
But I've already made my choice
This is where I stand, until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice
Could it be that He was only waiting there to see,
If I will learn to love the dreams that He has dreamed for me
Can't imagine what the future holds
But I've already made my choice
This is where I stand, until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice
Thank-You Father, I do trust You.
Monday, August 13, 2012
# 94
I need to share my physical therapy experiences. I saw my radiologist a couple weeks ago and prescribed physical therapy because the steroids had caused my scar tissue to harden under my skin which apparently only happens to 10 percent of patients. So I start physical therapy and discover that what needs work is my scar tissue which requires her to use those awful scrapers (like a windshield scraper for ice). But what I didn't know was that my quadriceps have tightened up because of my scar tissue soooo the physical therapy has been two fold. Work out the scar tissue with the scrapers and pull and rub my thigh till I cry.
Well that is just what happened. I went to PT and she scraped me and rubbed me till I was crying. but when I got home ... my knee was swollen and hurting so bad I couldn't walk on it. It happened like this for the next 4 visits and the last visit on Friday John Allen went with me. We got there at lunch time and everyone had gone except for my therapist. So I warmed up and then went back to "the room". It was the worst PT yet and I realized as I was leaving that Allen probably heard me in there. So when I got in the truck I asked him if he heard me. He said yes and that it sounded like I was in a torture chamber. Yeah, needless to say I am thankful that it is getting a little better after every session. Today I took some oxycodone before going to therapy and it helped, I still cried but at least it is getting better. All of this to say it has been a hard three weeks, lots of pain, not much sleep and even having to use a cane. I can't tell you how discouraging a week of lying on the couch with my leg up and iced can make you feel. You watch your house get dirtier and dirtier and the chaos and laundry...yeah it gets crazy stressful.
I find that I spent a lot of time praying and He reminded me that He has never left me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. So I go to PT knowing that my Father is holding my hand and that He will get me through. Thank-you, Father, I love you!!
I need to share my physical therapy experiences. I saw my radiologist a couple weeks ago and prescribed physical therapy because the steroids had caused my scar tissue to harden under my skin which apparently only happens to 10 percent of patients. So I start physical therapy and discover that what needs work is my scar tissue which requires her to use those awful scrapers (like a windshield scraper for ice). But what I didn't know was that my quadriceps have tightened up because of my scar tissue soooo the physical therapy has been two fold. Work out the scar tissue with the scrapers and pull and rub my thigh till I cry.
Well that is just what happened. I went to PT and she scraped me and rubbed me till I was crying. but when I got home ... my knee was swollen and hurting so bad I couldn't walk on it. It happened like this for the next 4 visits and the last visit on Friday John Allen went with me. We got there at lunch time and everyone had gone except for my therapist. So I warmed up and then went back to "the room". It was the worst PT yet and I realized as I was leaving that Allen probably heard me in there. So when I got in the truck I asked him if he heard me. He said yes and that it sounded like I was in a torture chamber. Yeah, needless to say I am thankful that it is getting a little better after every session. Today I took some oxycodone before going to therapy and it helped, I still cried but at least it is getting better. All of this to say it has been a hard three weeks, lots of pain, not much sleep and even having to use a cane. I can't tell you how discouraging a week of lying on the couch with my leg up and iced can make you feel. You watch your house get dirtier and dirtier and the chaos and laundry...yeah it gets crazy stressful.
I find that I spent a lot of time praying and He reminded me that He has never left me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. So I go to PT knowing that my Father is holding my hand and that He will get me through. Thank-you, Father, I love you!!
Monday, July 30, 2012
# 93
It is strange to have such good news then know that my doctor has scheduled an MRI and PET scan to check out what is going on inside my body. The devil will do what ever he can to cause me to doubt. My numbers are going down and I feel better but my mind will start to wander and I hear the "what if's" in my mind. That is when I have to look to my Father and remember, read and pray those promises He has given to me. They aren't mans promises, but His and because they are His they are unbreakable. How comforting is that for anyone that needs hope? He has my life in His hands and I trust what He has already prepared for me. It reminds me of my sister's song, "Story of Your Grace". I don't think she'll mind if I type out the words for you...
I was on Your mind before the world began
Gently You formed me when I was in Your hand
And I know You made me, whom I'm meant to be
And I hope that I will live this dream You have for me
So I know I have to try...and I know You're on my side
Chorus:
Because You gave me a name, called me Your own
You wrote my life with the power of Your love
Now my life's a song of endless praise
You have written every single page
I'm a story of Your grace.
You know everything about me but you loved me anyway
And there is strength in knowing that's not going to change
So I'll go if You send me even if I'm afraid
I know that I can trust You so I'm stepping out in faith
This mountain I will climb and I know I will survive! (Woo! Hoo! Praise God!!!)
Bridge:
You know everything about me but You loved me anyway
So I'll go where you send me .....
(back to chorus)
Chorus:
Because You gave me a name, called me Your own
You wrote my life with the power of Your love
Now my life's a song of endless praise
You have written every single page
I'm a story of Your grace!
(written by Patina Ripkey my wonderful big sister)
This song is my testimony and when I hear her CD I can't listen to this song without the tears rolling down my face. Read it again and know that it is true for you as well. We are written with the power of His love....Praise God!!! So as I face my cancer I know that I am in His hands what He wants for me is what I want for me. He is doing the writing! And with all my near death experiences I see His hand or should I say script in every part of it! I am excited to see what the new scans show because I know God has my life in His hands. Thank-you Father, and may I glorify you till the day I die and beyond! "Now my life is a song of endless Praise!"
It is strange to have such good news then know that my doctor has scheduled an MRI and PET scan to check out what is going on inside my body. The devil will do what ever he can to cause me to doubt. My numbers are going down and I feel better but my mind will start to wander and I hear the "what if's" in my mind. That is when I have to look to my Father and remember, read and pray those promises He has given to me. They aren't mans promises, but His and because they are His they are unbreakable. How comforting is that for anyone that needs hope? He has my life in His hands and I trust what He has already prepared for me. It reminds me of my sister's song, "Story of Your Grace". I don't think she'll mind if I type out the words for you...
I was on Your mind before the world began
Gently You formed me when I was in Your hand
And I know You made me, whom I'm meant to be
And I hope that I will live this dream You have for me
So I know I have to try...and I know You're on my side
Chorus:
Because You gave me a name, called me Your own
You wrote my life with the power of Your love
Now my life's a song of endless praise
You have written every single page
I'm a story of Your grace.
You know everything about me but you loved me anyway
And there is strength in knowing that's not going to change
So I'll go if You send me even if I'm afraid
I know that I can trust You so I'm stepping out in faith
This mountain I will climb and I know I will survive! (Woo! Hoo! Praise God!!!)
Bridge:
You know everything about me but You loved me anyway
So I'll go where you send me .....
(back to chorus)
Chorus:
Because You gave me a name, called me Your own
You wrote my life with the power of Your love
Now my life's a song of endless praise
You have written every single page
I'm a story of Your grace!
(written by Patina Ripkey my wonderful big sister)
This song is my testimony and when I hear her CD I can't listen to this song without the tears rolling down my face. Read it again and know that it is true for you as well. We are written with the power of His love....Praise God!!! So as I face my cancer I know that I am in His hands what He wants for me is what I want for me. He is doing the writing! And with all my near death experiences I see His hand or should I say script in every part of it! I am excited to see what the new scans show because I know God has my life in His hands. Thank-you Father, and may I glorify you till the day I die and beyond! "Now my life is a song of endless Praise!"
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
# 92
Guess What?!?! My tumor marker numbers are down 50 pts!! They check my levels once a month and last month they had gone up a little which we knew it probably would till the chemo kicked in. I was feeling really good so neither Ben nor I were surprised, but we sure were happy!! I can't tell how good it feels to know my life is in God's hands. Just knowing that even if I had received a bad report, I am His to do with as He sees fit. On the flip side it thrills me that He allows me to still be here. I have been feeling a little better every day, well except today...the A/C went out. And it makes it hard to move and breath!! To top it all off, we are having a bean dinner tonight, so on the stove is soup beans and I have to go make corn bread in just a minute. Shoot me with ice right now!!!
I am so thankful for everyone's prayers, I am certain that I would not be here without them. I can feel God's presence and the peace I feel I know only comes from Him. I hope those that read my blog understand that I can't do this on my own, it really is all God. I have days of sadness even when I have good news. It truly is only with God's help that I make it through every day. He amazes me! I love you, Father and I trust You!
Guess What?!?! My tumor marker numbers are down 50 pts!! They check my levels once a month and last month they had gone up a little which we knew it probably would till the chemo kicked in. I was feeling really good so neither Ben nor I were surprised, but we sure were happy!! I can't tell how good it feels to know my life is in God's hands. Just knowing that even if I had received a bad report, I am His to do with as He sees fit. On the flip side it thrills me that He allows me to still be here. I have been feeling a little better every day, well except today...the A/C went out. And it makes it hard to move and breath!! To top it all off, we are having a bean dinner tonight, so on the stove is soup beans and I have to go make corn bread in just a minute. Shoot me with ice right now!!!
I am so thankful for everyone's prayers, I am certain that I would not be here without them. I can feel God's presence and the peace I feel I know only comes from Him. I hope those that read my blog understand that I can't do this on my own, it really is all God. I have days of sadness even when I have good news. It truly is only with God's help that I make it through every day. He amazes me! I love you, Father and I trust You!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
# 91
I had a good doctor visit today. Not that I learned anything new, but it sure feels good to see my doctor at ease and smiling about all my reports. We went to get some lunch afterwards and I wasn't really in the mood for chinese so we decided to drive over to the other side of town which we are rarely on. I am soooo glad we did! Just as we were ready to quit looking and turn around .... there it was...a THAI FOOD RESTAURANT!!! It was a beautiful sight to behold! We had panang for lunch and it was wonderful :)) God has this wonderful way of bringing little things to our attention just for our enjoyment.
I had wonderful family time last week and enjoyed it so much but I have been struggling with a heaviness of spirit. I don't know quite how to explain it. It is a weight of everything that I don't know how to put into words. I wake up some mornings feeling weepy because it is a struggle to get out of bed. When I'm in bed it is a struggle to lay down without my hip hurting. It is a struggle to even roll over. But it is more...I would really like to touch my toes, I would like to play volleyball, have hair...you get the point. Then the other side...what if God decides to take me home? Well I know you can clearly understand why this one weighs on me but not in the way you might think. I trust God's decisions, but I think often about Ben and the kids and yet I don't feel like I am putting it in the right context. There are so many things going on with me physically that there isn't a moment of the day that it doesn't effect me. That with the emotional side make it hard to think clearly some days. I have been very busy lately and that is good, but this heaviness is just there. It isn't depression, I am so happy and thankful to be here and I love to have a good laugh...it is deeper than that. This is too hard to explain. Maybe I am just tired.... LOL! I'm always tired. :))
I was reading Streams in the Desert on July 7th and was humbled by God's amazing grace. I want to share it with you. The small problem is that the 8th and 9th go along with it so I am going to share all three. :))
July 7th
He made me into a polished arrow. (Isaiah 49:2)
Pebble Beach, on the California coast, has become quite famous for the beautiful pebbles found there. The raging white surf continually roars, thundering and pounding against the rocks on the shore. These stones are trapped in the arms of the merciless waves. They are tossed, rolled, rubbed together, and ground against the sharp edges of the cliffs. Both day and night, this process of grinding continues relentlessly. And what is the result?
Tourists from around the world flock there to collect the beautiful round stones. They display them in cabinets and use them to decorate their homes. Yet a little farther up the coast, just around the point of the cliff, is a quiet cove. Protected from the face of the ocean, sheltered from the storms, and always in the sun, the sands are covered with an abundance of pebbles never sought by the travelers.
So why have these stones been left untouched through all the years? Simply because they have escaped all the turmoil and the grinding of the waves. The quietness and peace have left them as they have always been--rough, unpolished and devoid of beauty--for polish is the result of difficulties.
Since God knows what niche we are to fill, let us trust Him to shape us to it. And since He knows what work we are to do, let us trust Him to grind us so we will be properly prepared.
July 8th
They will soar on wings like eagles. (Isaiah 40:31)
There is a fable about the way birds first got their wings. The story goes that initially they were made without them. Then God made the wings, set them down before the wingless birds, and said to them, "Take up these burdens and carry them."
The birds had sweet voices for singing, and lovely feathers that glistened in the sunshine, but they could not soar in the air. When asked to pick up the burdens that lay at their feet, they hesitated at first. Yet soon they obeyed, picked up their wings with their beaks, and set them on their shoulders to carry them.
For a short time the load seemed heavy and difficult to bear, but soon, as they continued to carry the burden and to fold the wings over their hearts, the wings grew attached to their little bodies. They quickly discovered how to use them and were lifted by the wings high into the air. The weights had become wings.
This is a parable for us. We are the wingless birds, and our duties and tasks are the wings God uses to lift us up and carry us heavenward. We look at our burdens and heavy loads, and try to run from them, but if we will carry them and tie them to our hearts, they will become wings. And on them we can then rise and soar toward God.
There is no burden so heavy that when lifted cheerfully with love in our hearts will not become a blessing to us. God intends for our tasks to be our helpers; to refuse to bend our shoulders to carry a load is to miss a new opportunity for growth. J. R. Miller
No matter how overwhelming, any burden God has lovingly placed with His own hands on our shoulders is a blessing. Frederick William Faber
July 9th
I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction. (Isaiah 48:10)
Doesn't God's Word come to us like a soft rain shower, dispelling the fury of the flames? Isn't it like fireproof armor, against which the heat is powerless? Then let afflictions come, for God has chosen me. Poverty, you may walk through my door, but God is already in my house, and He has chosen me. Sickness, you may intrude into my life, but I have a cure standing ready--God has chosen me. Whatever occurs in the valley of tears, I know He has chosen me.
Dear Christian, do not be afraid, for Jesus is with you. Through all your fiery trials, His presence is both your comfort and safety. He will never forsake those He has chosen for His own. "Do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Gen. 26:24) is His unfailing word of promise to His chosen ones who are experiencing "the furnace of affliction." Charles H. Spurgeon
I read these three and it was like the Holy Spirit poured across my heart and soul...I must go through what He lays upon me, but not alone, He has chosen me and I am His! The furnace is where I stand with Jesus by my side. I love you, my Father, my Savior, my King.
I had a good doctor visit today. Not that I learned anything new, but it sure feels good to see my doctor at ease and smiling about all my reports. We went to get some lunch afterwards and I wasn't really in the mood for chinese so we decided to drive over to the other side of town which we are rarely on. I am soooo glad we did! Just as we were ready to quit looking and turn around .... there it was...a THAI FOOD RESTAURANT!!! It was a beautiful sight to behold! We had panang for lunch and it was wonderful :)) God has this wonderful way of bringing little things to our attention just for our enjoyment.
I had wonderful family time last week and enjoyed it so much but I have been struggling with a heaviness of spirit. I don't know quite how to explain it. It is a weight of everything that I don't know how to put into words. I wake up some mornings feeling weepy because it is a struggle to get out of bed. When I'm in bed it is a struggle to lay down without my hip hurting. It is a struggle to even roll over. But it is more...I would really like to touch my toes, I would like to play volleyball, have hair...you get the point. Then the other side...what if God decides to take me home? Well I know you can clearly understand why this one weighs on me but not in the way you might think. I trust God's decisions, but I think often about Ben and the kids and yet I don't feel like I am putting it in the right context. There are so many things going on with me physically that there isn't a moment of the day that it doesn't effect me. That with the emotional side make it hard to think clearly some days. I have been very busy lately and that is good, but this heaviness is just there. It isn't depression, I am so happy and thankful to be here and I love to have a good laugh...it is deeper than that. This is too hard to explain. Maybe I am just tired.... LOL! I'm always tired. :))
I was reading Streams in the Desert on July 7th and was humbled by God's amazing grace. I want to share it with you. The small problem is that the 8th and 9th go along with it so I am going to share all three. :))
July 7th
He made me into a polished arrow. (Isaiah 49:2)
Pebble Beach, on the California coast, has become quite famous for the beautiful pebbles found there. The raging white surf continually roars, thundering and pounding against the rocks on the shore. These stones are trapped in the arms of the merciless waves. They are tossed, rolled, rubbed together, and ground against the sharp edges of the cliffs. Both day and night, this process of grinding continues relentlessly. And what is the result?
Tourists from around the world flock there to collect the beautiful round stones. They display them in cabinets and use them to decorate their homes. Yet a little farther up the coast, just around the point of the cliff, is a quiet cove. Protected from the face of the ocean, sheltered from the storms, and always in the sun, the sands are covered with an abundance of pebbles never sought by the travelers.
So why have these stones been left untouched through all the years? Simply because they have escaped all the turmoil and the grinding of the waves. The quietness and peace have left them as they have always been--rough, unpolished and devoid of beauty--for polish is the result of difficulties.
Since God knows what niche we are to fill, let us trust Him to shape us to it. And since He knows what work we are to do, let us trust Him to grind us so we will be properly prepared.
July 8th
They will soar on wings like eagles. (Isaiah 40:31)
There is a fable about the way birds first got their wings. The story goes that initially they were made without them. Then God made the wings, set them down before the wingless birds, and said to them, "Take up these burdens and carry them."
The birds had sweet voices for singing, and lovely feathers that glistened in the sunshine, but they could not soar in the air. When asked to pick up the burdens that lay at their feet, they hesitated at first. Yet soon they obeyed, picked up their wings with their beaks, and set them on their shoulders to carry them.
For a short time the load seemed heavy and difficult to bear, but soon, as they continued to carry the burden and to fold the wings over their hearts, the wings grew attached to their little bodies. They quickly discovered how to use them and were lifted by the wings high into the air. The weights had become wings.
This is a parable for us. We are the wingless birds, and our duties and tasks are the wings God uses to lift us up and carry us heavenward. We look at our burdens and heavy loads, and try to run from them, but if we will carry them and tie them to our hearts, they will become wings. And on them we can then rise and soar toward God.
There is no burden so heavy that when lifted cheerfully with love in our hearts will not become a blessing to us. God intends for our tasks to be our helpers; to refuse to bend our shoulders to carry a load is to miss a new opportunity for growth. J. R. Miller
No matter how overwhelming, any burden God has lovingly placed with His own hands on our shoulders is a blessing. Frederick William Faber
July 9th
I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction. (Isaiah 48:10)
Doesn't God's Word come to us like a soft rain shower, dispelling the fury of the flames? Isn't it like fireproof armor, against which the heat is powerless? Then let afflictions come, for God has chosen me. Poverty, you may walk through my door, but God is already in my house, and He has chosen me. Sickness, you may intrude into my life, but I have a cure standing ready--God has chosen me. Whatever occurs in the valley of tears, I know He has chosen me.
Dear Christian, do not be afraid, for Jesus is with you. Through all your fiery trials, His presence is both your comfort and safety. He will never forsake those He has chosen for His own. "Do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Gen. 26:24) is His unfailing word of promise to His chosen ones who are experiencing "the furnace of affliction." Charles H. Spurgeon
I read these three and it was like the Holy Spirit poured across my heart and soul...I must go through what He lays upon me, but not alone, He has chosen me and I am His! The furnace is where I stand with Jesus by my side. I love you, my Father, my Savior, my King.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
# 90
I have had a very busy past couple of weeks and haven't had a chance to blog. I got some crazy good news about my MRI. My brain scan showed no new growth and receding on multiple spots. Overall a very good report so I asked, "If it has improved, will it continue to improve?" I got a resounding, "YES!" Needless to say Ben and I and the rest of my friends and family are just overjoyed! I know that my God is in control and even if they reported it was worse, it would have been sad, but not scary. I trust Him with my life. :)) When we got home we had friends come in for the night with their kids. It was great to catch up with them! They were both in my teen/college class when I was back in Virginia and to see them married and successful with three beautiful children was such a blessing to me it is almost indescribable!! We sat out under the deck with a fire going and ate marshmallows then had waffles for breakfast in the morning before they headed back north. We talked and laughed the whole time...again I love to laugh!! :))
As we drew closer to the weekend I noticed that I wasn't feeling real well. Like nauseous, not feeling well. But those that know me know I am going to try to keep going, which I did. I was having a 31 party on Saturday. I had a great party and got to sit and chat with two ladies from church that I have wanted to chat with for a long time, it was a wonderful afternoon. :)) But after they left I went to lie down and it wasn't long before I was shivering with a low grade fever! I called in a prescription and my son went to pick it up Sunday afternoon and found out I could't take it with my chemo, I would have to change antibiotics. Which meant I would have to wait to see the doctor. Well the fever went away and Monday night my brother and his wife and four kids showed up at 11:30 pm. Oh Happy Day!!! We stayed up till 2am just catching up and laughing it was wonderful! The next day they went to Gatlinburg for their son's birthday while I went to the doctor. I got home that afternoon and was running another fever. I called back to the doc's and they called in another prescription that I could take. That evening we went to Wednesday night Bible Study and I taught the teens. The next day we went to the river with a natural sand bar and huge beach, it was perfect!!
The walk in and out was hard for me and by the time I got back to the truck I was absolutely exhausted! As my brother and his family left the next day I can't even describe the mix of feelings that went through me. I wish we lived closer, wished for more time, for more strength, for more mobility, and yet I was soooo happy that they came...I was crying.
I went to lay down as soon as they pulled out....I slept all day. But I had to get up at 4:45 to be ready to leave by 5:15 for a teen bonfire at the church that I was responsible for. I did a lot of setting up and then decided it was too hot to play outside (101 degrees out!).Soooo, we set up a projector and my husband got his sound equipment and we had a movie theater. They loved it! Then it was volleyball while I reff'd and they played till everyone was worn out :)))
Needless to say I barely stayed awake for the church service and I have been napping as often as I can since. My husband got all over me for not paying attention to my body...so much easier said than done. I get to doing something then realize after I'm past my tired point, that I went too far.
All that to get to this...I get great news and the emotions that I end up struggling with is the lack of mobility of my leg. I get tired easy and it is so hard to move, to bend over. I was showing my mother-in-law yesterday that I can touch my left foot's toes but not my right. So I can only ever get one sock on at a time. There are moments when the little things make me so weepy I can't keep it in. Hearing how sad my siblings feel that I can't get around like I used too. I have to focus on what I can do or else I would never be able to stop crying. I told my husband that I was going to look like an old man because my hair is coming in all around but not on top...well, just really slowly on top, almost non-existent. I have this strange patch on the back of my head that is shaped like a ballerina dancer that grows faster than anywhere else because it didn't get radiated. It is freaky looking. Oh well, it's hair. So I pick myself up by my boot straps and keep on trusting in the one who holds my tomorrow. He holds my hand and my tears. I'm so thankful that He loves me because I could not go a day without Him. I love you, Father and I trust you to know what I can and can't endure. :))
I have had a very busy past couple of weeks and haven't had a chance to blog. I got some crazy good news about my MRI. My brain scan showed no new growth and receding on multiple spots. Overall a very good report so I asked, "If it has improved, will it continue to improve?" I got a resounding, "YES!" Needless to say Ben and I and the rest of my friends and family are just overjoyed! I know that my God is in control and even if they reported it was worse, it would have been sad, but not scary. I trust Him with my life. :)) When we got home we had friends come in for the night with their kids. It was great to catch up with them! They were both in my teen/college class when I was back in Virginia and to see them married and successful with three beautiful children was such a blessing to me it is almost indescribable!! We sat out under the deck with a fire going and ate marshmallows then had waffles for breakfast in the morning before they headed back north. We talked and laughed the whole time...again I love to laugh!! :))
As we drew closer to the weekend I noticed that I wasn't feeling real well. Like nauseous, not feeling well. But those that know me know I am going to try to keep going, which I did. I was having a 31 party on Saturday. I had a great party and got to sit and chat with two ladies from church that I have wanted to chat with for a long time, it was a wonderful afternoon. :)) But after they left I went to lie down and it wasn't long before I was shivering with a low grade fever! I called in a prescription and my son went to pick it up Sunday afternoon and found out I could't take it with my chemo, I would have to change antibiotics. Which meant I would have to wait to see the doctor. Well the fever went away and Monday night my brother and his wife and four kids showed up at 11:30 pm. Oh Happy Day!!! We stayed up till 2am just catching up and laughing it was wonderful! The next day they went to Gatlinburg for their son's birthday while I went to the doctor. I got home that afternoon and was running another fever. I called back to the doc's and they called in another prescription that I could take. That evening we went to Wednesday night Bible Study and I taught the teens. The next day we went to the river with a natural sand bar and huge beach, it was perfect!!
The walk in and out was hard for me and by the time I got back to the truck I was absolutely exhausted! As my brother and his family left the next day I can't even describe the mix of feelings that went through me. I wish we lived closer, wished for more time, for more strength, for more mobility, and yet I was soooo happy that they came...I was crying.
I went to lay down as soon as they pulled out....I slept all day. But I had to get up at 4:45 to be ready to leave by 5:15 for a teen bonfire at the church that I was responsible for. I did a lot of setting up and then decided it was too hot to play outside (101 degrees out!).Soooo, we set up a projector and my husband got his sound equipment and we had a movie theater. They loved it! Then it was volleyball while I reff'd and they played till everyone was worn out :)))
Needless to say I barely stayed awake for the church service and I have been napping as often as I can since. My husband got all over me for not paying attention to my body...so much easier said than done. I get to doing something then realize after I'm past my tired point, that I went too far.
All that to get to this...I get great news and the emotions that I end up struggling with is the lack of mobility of my leg. I get tired easy and it is so hard to move, to bend over. I was showing my mother-in-law yesterday that I can touch my left foot's toes but not my right. So I can only ever get one sock on at a time. There are moments when the little things make me so weepy I can't keep it in. Hearing how sad my siblings feel that I can't get around like I used too. I have to focus on what I can do or else I would never be able to stop crying. I told my husband that I was going to look like an old man because my hair is coming in all around but not on top...well, just really slowly on top, almost non-existent. I have this strange patch on the back of my head that is shaped like a ballerina dancer that grows faster than anywhere else because it didn't get radiated. It is freaky looking. Oh well, it's hair. So I pick myself up by my boot straps and keep on trusting in the one who holds my tomorrow. He holds my hand and my tears. I'm so thankful that He loves me because I could not go a day without Him. I love you, Father and I trust you to know what I can and can't endure. :))
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
# 89
I just love how the little things make me soooo happy!! My in-laws got me a swing for my birthday and I have wanted a swing all my married life. But I was only ever to have one for about 3 years while we were in Virginia. Every other place didn't have a place for a swing so we would settle for benches and our wicker furniture. Well, Ben hung my swing under our deck and it is awesome!! He cleaned it all out, brought down the wicker chairs and love seat and made a small fire pit in the middle, just out from under the deck. It is beautiful!!! Our bedroom is downstairs so I just walk out the basement door in the morning and sit in my swing and have my Bible study....watching the birds, looking at the mountains, and I'm in the shade so I don't have to wear my hat. It is just wonderful!!
Speaking of not needing a hat... I was rubbing the back of my head and felt a fuzzy patch... what could this be?! Yes!!!! I am starting to get fuzz!! I am sooo happy!! Now I just have to be patient while my hair grows back in...it is really hard to be patient!! I had a follow up appoint with my radiologist today and because I am doing so well he said I can get off of the STEROIDS!!!!!! WOO! HOO!! I am soooooooo thankful!! And he also prescribed some more physical therapy to help with the fibrous scar tissue in my hip and bottom. I am so thankful and just relieved. My oncologist scheduled an MRI for Thursday so I will know next Tuesday what is going on in my brain, but I don't feel worried at all since I haven't had one symptom! Actually, that is why the doctor isn't worried about me coming off the steroids and he feels really good about me not having had any side effects at all. It all is looking really good and I just can't help but know that my God is taking care of me in ways I can and can't see. He amazes me!
And more good news! I found a jewelry store that repairs jewelry in store and they will repair and size my wedding set for $95! So I am going to do them one ring at a time. My diamond ring will cost the most because the prongs holding the diamond have gotten very thin so I am repairing that one first. I am sooo excited to get it done! They are sizing it too so no more cutting my rings off!! :)) It has just been a week of good news and I have been overcome with gratitude and feeling so unworthy!
I find that as I am going through everyday life and God keeps moving and blessing, that I just want people to know who He is and how much He loves us and takes care of us. I so want people to see Christ not me. I really haven't done anything but go where He has sent me. I have difficult days and I know I'm no one special and that is what I want people to know. I just follow His lead, which is what He wants all of us to do. Follow Him...trust Him...and He will take care of you, He will go with you every step of the way. Thank-you Father for loving me and reminding me that you love me. I wear my Irish Claddagh ring on my thumb reminding me that He holds my heart in His hands and He has placed a crown on my head. On my other thumb I wear a ring that reminds me that there is nothing I can do to earn His love, He loves me unconditionally. And what is even better, on the inside of the ring I have engraved..."He knows my name". When I forget and try to earn His love and affection, it reminds me that He knows me by name, He created me to love me, He is truly the lover of my soul and I love Him!! May I always live in a way that reflects Him!!!
I just love how the little things make me soooo happy!! My in-laws got me a swing for my birthday and I have wanted a swing all my married life. But I was only ever to have one for about 3 years while we were in Virginia. Every other place didn't have a place for a swing so we would settle for benches and our wicker furniture. Well, Ben hung my swing under our deck and it is awesome!! He cleaned it all out, brought down the wicker chairs and love seat and made a small fire pit in the middle, just out from under the deck. It is beautiful!!! Our bedroom is downstairs so I just walk out the basement door in the morning and sit in my swing and have my Bible study....watching the birds, looking at the mountains, and I'm in the shade so I don't have to wear my hat. It is just wonderful!!
Speaking of not needing a hat... I was rubbing the back of my head and felt a fuzzy patch... what could this be?! Yes!!!! I am starting to get fuzz!! I am sooo happy!! Now I just have to be patient while my hair grows back in...it is really hard to be patient!! I had a follow up appoint with my radiologist today and because I am doing so well he said I can get off of the STEROIDS!!!!!! WOO! HOO!! I am soooooooo thankful!! And he also prescribed some more physical therapy to help with the fibrous scar tissue in my hip and bottom. I am so thankful and just relieved. My oncologist scheduled an MRI for Thursday so I will know next Tuesday what is going on in my brain, but I don't feel worried at all since I haven't had one symptom! Actually, that is why the doctor isn't worried about me coming off the steroids and he feels really good about me not having had any side effects at all. It all is looking really good and I just can't help but know that my God is taking care of me in ways I can and can't see. He amazes me!
And more good news! I found a jewelry store that repairs jewelry in store and they will repair and size my wedding set for $95! So I am going to do them one ring at a time. My diamond ring will cost the most because the prongs holding the diamond have gotten very thin so I am repairing that one first. I am sooo excited to get it done! They are sizing it too so no more cutting my rings off!! :)) It has just been a week of good news and I have been overcome with gratitude and feeling so unworthy!
I find that as I am going through everyday life and God keeps moving and blessing, that I just want people to know who He is and how much He loves us and takes care of us. I so want people to see Christ not me. I really haven't done anything but go where He has sent me. I have difficult days and I know I'm no one special and that is what I want people to know. I just follow His lead, which is what He wants all of us to do. Follow Him...trust Him...and He will take care of you, He will go with you every step of the way. Thank-you Father for loving me and reminding me that you love me. I wear my Irish Claddagh ring on my thumb reminding me that He holds my heart in His hands and He has placed a crown on my head. On my other thumb I wear a ring that reminds me that there is nothing I can do to earn His love, He loves me unconditionally. And what is even better, on the inside of the ring I have engraved..."He knows my name". When I forget and try to earn His love and affection, it reminds me that He knows me by name, He created me to love me, He is truly the lover of my soul and I love Him!! May I always live in a way that reflects Him!!!
Monday, June 4, 2012
# 88
You know it is hard to convey to the rest of the world how it feels to deal with physical issues everyday. It is a constant reminder that I am fighting cancer. And the crazy thing is that it can keep you down if you struggle with focusing on the positive. My personality type has never been to focus on the sad or negative and I realize that for others it is a real issue. I wish there was some way to encourage people to focus on what is here and now. I want to keep my focus on the fact that I am still here and able to be a part of my family's life. I turned 42 last week and I had one of the ladies at church ask me if I was telling people how old I was. Really? I am shouting to people how old I am!!! I am still here and sooo thankful that I am, it is a total joy to be getting older!! I want gray hair because that means I'm still here!! Okay, having said all that, it brings me back to my original comment....dealing with physical issues. I had VBS all last week and we had two teens boys from our youth group at our last church come in to visit unexpectedly. So I was on my feet all last week with no time to be off my feet at all. Guess what that meant? Lymphodema here I come!! My leg started to swell and it wasn't my hip that was giving my trouble it was my knee! There was so much fluid on my knee I couldn't stand to sit in the pews!! The pressure pushing on my thigh when I would sit was almost unbearable! Soooo....I just got through the program Sunday morning and it was home with me on the couch with my leg propped up and it was staying that way as long as it needed to be.
Dealing with the physical can get so discouraging because I have to have others help me...I need help off the couch because there is so much fluid on my knee that it won't bend to support my weight. How insane is that?!! The crazy little physical issues start to pile up and then if i'm not careful...it will get very discouraging. On top of this crazy busy VBS week I had an allergic reaction to one of my chemo's. I started to break out in a rash on the top of my head. And the rash was starting to show up on my legs, neck, arms....I was carrying around a back scratcher with me everywhere and if I took my hat off I was red as a beet. Well, how do you stay positive? I get to wake up every morning to an ache in my hip, it is usually what wakes me up in the morning. Not the sun shining into my bedroom, but the ache in my hip. I have to sleep with a pillow between my knees so the scarred muscles in my hip don't pull to much on that hip and make it impossible to go to sleep in the first place.
As I lay here with my leg propped up since i'm still trying to get that fluid off my knee...I'm trying to convey that if I let myself I could be in tears every day saying "Woe is me..." or "why me?". The emotional battle can be brutal. I had someone ask me if all the sacrifices I have had to make from the "medication" was worth it. Again...Really? I am still here!!! I shouldn't be! I have come to realize and accept the fact that God has taken me down this road from chemo, to natural, to both and through it all He has used whatever He has wanted to control what is going on inside of me. Mostly it has been faith and trust. I want Him to receive all the glory so I will do whatever He wants me too. And if that means that I must endure pain every day, than I will!!! If I get diarrhea, lose all my hair and nails, lymphodema, am covered in a rash from head to foot, then so be it! Who am I to complain about what God wants me to endure? And I actually have soooo much to be thankful for even with all of these physical issues that I have to deal with. There is still sooo much that I CAN do! So when I get that momentary lapse in positive and I feel like crying I look at my husband, my children, my teens, my church....and remember that this is my path that the Lord has chosen for me. I can go through this with Him, He hasn't left me and I don't have to be alone. He truly loves me and wants the best for me and my family and when the pain or inability to move bring me down I have to remind myself He is right here with me...holding my in His hands. I am His, He is mine. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
You know it is hard to convey to the rest of the world how it feels to deal with physical issues everyday. It is a constant reminder that I am fighting cancer. And the crazy thing is that it can keep you down if you struggle with focusing on the positive. My personality type has never been to focus on the sad or negative and I realize that for others it is a real issue. I wish there was some way to encourage people to focus on what is here and now. I want to keep my focus on the fact that I am still here and able to be a part of my family's life. I turned 42 last week and I had one of the ladies at church ask me if I was telling people how old I was. Really? I am shouting to people how old I am!!! I am still here and sooo thankful that I am, it is a total joy to be getting older!! I want gray hair because that means I'm still here!! Okay, having said all that, it brings me back to my original comment....dealing with physical issues. I had VBS all last week and we had two teens boys from our youth group at our last church come in to visit unexpectedly. So I was on my feet all last week with no time to be off my feet at all. Guess what that meant? Lymphodema here I come!! My leg started to swell and it wasn't my hip that was giving my trouble it was my knee! There was so much fluid on my knee I couldn't stand to sit in the pews!! The pressure pushing on my thigh when I would sit was almost unbearable! Soooo....I just got through the program Sunday morning and it was home with me on the couch with my leg propped up and it was staying that way as long as it needed to be.
Dealing with the physical can get so discouraging because I have to have others help me...I need help off the couch because there is so much fluid on my knee that it won't bend to support my weight. How insane is that?!! The crazy little physical issues start to pile up and then if i'm not careful...it will get very discouraging. On top of this crazy busy VBS week I had an allergic reaction to one of my chemo's. I started to break out in a rash on the top of my head. And the rash was starting to show up on my legs, neck, arms....I was carrying around a back scratcher with me everywhere and if I took my hat off I was red as a beet. Well, how do you stay positive? I get to wake up every morning to an ache in my hip, it is usually what wakes me up in the morning. Not the sun shining into my bedroom, but the ache in my hip. I have to sleep with a pillow between my knees so the scarred muscles in my hip don't pull to much on that hip and make it impossible to go to sleep in the first place.
As I lay here with my leg propped up since i'm still trying to get that fluid off my knee...I'm trying to convey that if I let myself I could be in tears every day saying "Woe is me..." or "why me?". The emotional battle can be brutal. I had someone ask me if all the sacrifices I have had to make from the "medication" was worth it. Again...Really? I am still here!!! I shouldn't be! I have come to realize and accept the fact that God has taken me down this road from chemo, to natural, to both and through it all He has used whatever He has wanted to control what is going on inside of me. Mostly it has been faith and trust. I want Him to receive all the glory so I will do whatever He wants me too. And if that means that I must endure pain every day, than I will!!! If I get diarrhea, lose all my hair and nails, lymphodema, am covered in a rash from head to foot, then so be it! Who am I to complain about what God wants me to endure? And I actually have soooo much to be thankful for even with all of these physical issues that I have to deal with. There is still sooo much that I CAN do! So when I get that momentary lapse in positive and I feel like crying I look at my husband, my children, my teens, my church....and remember that this is my path that the Lord has chosen for me. I can go through this with Him, He hasn't left me and I don't have to be alone. He truly loves me and wants the best for me and my family and when the pain or inability to move bring me down I have to remind myself He is right here with me...holding my in His hands. I am His, He is mine. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Monday, May 21, 2012
# 87
I am adapting well to my new chemo pills, thank goodness!! Now that I realized I can take my five nasty pills at night and sleep through the worst of it! Funny how things take a moment to sink in....LOL!! I have been adjusting to taking the three with two meals and the first meal is the worst because I have to take all my other vitamins at the same time. Okay, let me just explain my routine....I get up and use the bathroom (thanks to Cassie's tea I am regular and need no help from Mira-lax) then I head upstairs to drink Cassie's tea that I have to give 30 minutes to get into my system before I put anything else into my stomach. Then I head back downstairs to do a coffee enema because it is designed to clean out the liver...no explanation needed. Actually I have just been able to start these back up and I truly believe it is because of the tea. I haven't needed to wear my compression stalkings and I haven't needed to do my exercises every night like I was before. If I am tired I can just go to bed and not worry about my leg swelling or hurting. That is such a huge answer to prayer!! I can still feel the joint in my hip not feeling great, like it has arthritis, which it probably does! But it isn't a struggle against the lymphodema any more. The scar tissue is still there and hard but it is getting easier to stand and walk, so I keep praying that the Lord will help me get rid of the scar tissue. He can do anything!
Okay, back to the morning routine and chemo pills. After I do my enema I, of course am starved, so I have a quick shower then head upstairs for a medium bowl of cereal. I can't eat a lot because that's when I have to take my 3 chemo pills and about 24 vitamins. So this is the worst time of day for me. I feel bloated and slightly sick and then it makes me burp...it is just yucky! This is usually when I take a break and crash on the couch. After dozing off and sleeping the worst of the feeling away I wake up and can go about my day feeling pretty good! Now I still make sure I have an afternoon dose of Cassie's tea and wait 30 minutes before I eat lunch. Even after lunch and 3 more chemo pills I still feel good and can go through the rest of my evening feeling normal. I usually don't eat dinner because lunch is usually later because breakfast is usually later. So for dinner I have a cup of Cassie's tea then wait till I am ready to turn the bedroom light off and take my last 5 chemo pills. But if I did eat in the evening, I would have to wait 2 hours after eating to drink the tea then 30 minutes before I could take my chemo. My whole day is thinking about the next dose of whatever!! Some days I have to carry little doses of tea with me...it is crazy! But it is helping so I can't complain :))
On the emotional and spiritual side...I have felt a peace that has truly passed all understanding. I don't feel worried and I have just been amazed at how the Father has revealed Himself in so many ways during my Bible study time!! I'm so thankful that I can trust Him! I wanted to share a devotional that I read on May 20th from "Streams in the Desert"
John 18:11 - Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?
God is a thousand times more meticulous with us than even an artist is with his canvas. Using many brush strokes of sorrow, and circumstances of various colors, He paints us into the highest and best image He visualizes, if we will only receive His bitter gifts of myrrh in the right spirit.
Yet when our cup of sorrows is taken away and the lessons in it are suppressed or go unheeded, we do more damage to our soul than could ever be repaired. No human heart can imagine the incomparable love God expresses in His gift of myrrh. However, this great gift that our soul should receive is allowed to pass by us because of our sleepy indifference, and ultimately nothing comes of it.
Then in our barrenness we come and complain, saying, "O LORD, I feel so dry, and there is so much darkness within me!" My advice to you, dear child, is to open your heart to the pain and suffering, and it will accomplish more good than being full of emotion and sincerity. Tauler
You can see why I liked this devotional...even the verse hit me. I am so thankful that He sees the picture He is painting of me. He is making a beautiful masterpiece and who am I not to drink of the cup He has given me. I've always said I was willing, and what I and my family have learned I wouldn't trade for anything in this world! I was talking to my sister today and discussing again the inability to run, go on hikes, play volleyball, etc. And she apologized for it even coming up because she didn't want to depress me and I told her it was okay. I am still here and for whatever reason I will have to sacrifice if I am to stay here. So I have negative, but there is an awful lot of positive! If God lets me stay, I can see my children get married, grandchildren....that would be soooooo awesome!! There is a lot of positive to think about without really even needing to focus on what I can't do. There is a lot that I can do! Thank-you, Father!! I truly want others to see that even though I still have this cancer, He has never left me alone! I have never had to go through one step without Him. People need to know that, that they don't have to be alone....ever! Ben can't be with me 24/7. He tries...LOL! But only God can, and He HAS!! There are nights when I hide my crying but God is there to catch every tear, there are mornings when the joy is so overwhelming that the tears come harder than the night before, and my Father catches everyone! There are days when I just am happy to be here and He is with me still. Thank-you Father, Your love is indescribable and I love you and trust YOU!!
I am adapting well to my new chemo pills, thank goodness!! Now that I realized I can take my five nasty pills at night and sleep through the worst of it! Funny how things take a moment to sink in....LOL!! I have been adjusting to taking the three with two meals and the first meal is the worst because I have to take all my other vitamins at the same time. Okay, let me just explain my routine....I get up and use the bathroom (thanks to Cassie's tea I am regular and need no help from Mira-lax) then I head upstairs to drink Cassie's tea that I have to give 30 minutes to get into my system before I put anything else into my stomach. Then I head back downstairs to do a coffee enema because it is designed to clean out the liver...no explanation needed. Actually I have just been able to start these back up and I truly believe it is because of the tea. I haven't needed to wear my compression stalkings and I haven't needed to do my exercises every night like I was before. If I am tired I can just go to bed and not worry about my leg swelling or hurting. That is such a huge answer to prayer!! I can still feel the joint in my hip not feeling great, like it has arthritis, which it probably does! But it isn't a struggle against the lymphodema any more. The scar tissue is still there and hard but it is getting easier to stand and walk, so I keep praying that the Lord will help me get rid of the scar tissue. He can do anything!
Okay, back to the morning routine and chemo pills. After I do my enema I, of course am starved, so I have a quick shower then head upstairs for a medium bowl of cereal. I can't eat a lot because that's when I have to take my 3 chemo pills and about 24 vitamins. So this is the worst time of day for me. I feel bloated and slightly sick and then it makes me burp...it is just yucky! This is usually when I take a break and crash on the couch. After dozing off and sleeping the worst of the feeling away I wake up and can go about my day feeling pretty good! Now I still make sure I have an afternoon dose of Cassie's tea and wait 30 minutes before I eat lunch. Even after lunch and 3 more chemo pills I still feel good and can go through the rest of my evening feeling normal. I usually don't eat dinner because lunch is usually later because breakfast is usually later. So for dinner I have a cup of Cassie's tea then wait till I am ready to turn the bedroom light off and take my last 5 chemo pills. But if I did eat in the evening, I would have to wait 2 hours after eating to drink the tea then 30 minutes before I could take my chemo. My whole day is thinking about the next dose of whatever!! Some days I have to carry little doses of tea with me...it is crazy! But it is helping so I can't complain :))
On the emotional and spiritual side...I have felt a peace that has truly passed all understanding. I don't feel worried and I have just been amazed at how the Father has revealed Himself in so many ways during my Bible study time!! I'm so thankful that I can trust Him! I wanted to share a devotional that I read on May 20th from "Streams in the Desert"
John 18:11 - Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?
God is a thousand times more meticulous with us than even an artist is with his canvas. Using many brush strokes of sorrow, and circumstances of various colors, He paints us into the highest and best image He visualizes, if we will only receive His bitter gifts of myrrh in the right spirit.
Yet when our cup of sorrows is taken away and the lessons in it are suppressed or go unheeded, we do more damage to our soul than could ever be repaired. No human heart can imagine the incomparable love God expresses in His gift of myrrh. However, this great gift that our soul should receive is allowed to pass by us because of our sleepy indifference, and ultimately nothing comes of it.
Then in our barrenness we come and complain, saying, "O LORD, I feel so dry, and there is so much darkness within me!" My advice to you, dear child, is to open your heart to the pain and suffering, and it will accomplish more good than being full of emotion and sincerity. Tauler
You can see why I liked this devotional...even the verse hit me. I am so thankful that He sees the picture He is painting of me. He is making a beautiful masterpiece and who am I not to drink of the cup He has given me. I've always said I was willing, and what I and my family have learned I wouldn't trade for anything in this world! I was talking to my sister today and discussing again the inability to run, go on hikes, play volleyball, etc. And she apologized for it even coming up because she didn't want to depress me and I told her it was okay. I am still here and for whatever reason I will have to sacrifice if I am to stay here. So I have negative, but there is an awful lot of positive! If God lets me stay, I can see my children get married, grandchildren....that would be soooooo awesome!! There is a lot of positive to think about without really even needing to focus on what I can't do. There is a lot that I can do! Thank-you, Father!! I truly want others to see that even though I still have this cancer, He has never left me alone! I have never had to go through one step without Him. People need to know that, that they don't have to be alone....ever! Ben can't be with me 24/7. He tries...LOL! But only God can, and He HAS!! There are nights when I hide my crying but God is there to catch every tear, there are mornings when the joy is so overwhelming that the tears come harder than the night before, and my Father catches everyone! There are days when I just am happy to be here and He is with me still. Thank-you Father, Your love is indescribable and I love you and trust YOU!!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
# 86
In the middle of Bible Study tonight I had a WOW moment. I'm not sure what made me think about it, but I just realized that I have Breast Cancer that has gone to my lymph nodes, to my bone, to my marrow, to my brain, to my liver and even a little fluid in my lungs. On top of that I have developed lymphodema from the radiation to my right hip. I am still here! Does this seem incredible to anyone else? It makes me weepy when I think of all that God has brought me through. At one point we were discussing my death because a tumor had wrapped around my C2 vertebrae and we weren't sure I would make it through the week! Then a year later I'm on my death bed, nothing but skin and bones again discussing funeral arrangements. Now here I am, brain radiated to stop that growth, all other cancer spots are receding and it is trying to grow in my liver. I am getting the strong feeling that the devil is really fighting to get rid of me! Nice to know that God is still in control of what goes on in my body.
I feel like the Cassie's tea is really helping, but we will see. And not just that, I still feel very strongly that God wants me to stick around for a while. First, the tumor in my neck was taken care of so miraculously it was obvious it was God. Second, the raised tumor marker numbers when it went to my marrow...after one treatment of chemo I was like a new person. Thirdly, it goes to my brain and I show no symptoms...ever! Then my numbers start to rise again and it shows up in my liver and I still feel good and show no signs that my numbers are up!! It's like watching a live battle between God and Satan and with every feeble attempt the devil makes God chuckles and says, "Don't worry, sweetheart, I got you covered." I love it!! God has taken care of me every step of the way and He does it in such a way that only He can receive the glory!! I'm soooo thankful!! I said a while ago that God can cure me with whatever He wants; chemo, naturally, an instant miracle, however He wants so I trust Him. And I love seeing Him use all these different ways to do it. I was so ready to do whatever the doctor said, then when he started to work against me, I went totally natural. Both worked for me. And now I am having to combine the two but the difference is that I have a doctor who cares for me and prays for me and lets me do both. I totally know God brought us to East Tennessee for me to have the doctor that I have right now. He has taken care of every need that I have had... the doctor, and most importantly God. He as allowed me to work with the teens which is something that just burdens my heart and I'm so thankful He opened that door. I find trusting Him gets easier every day as He opens my doors for me to walk through and all I want to do is share with others what He has done for me. I hope I can do it in such a way that will bring glory to His name. He is worthy of all glory and praise!!
In the middle of Bible Study tonight I had a WOW moment. I'm not sure what made me think about it, but I just realized that I have Breast Cancer that has gone to my lymph nodes, to my bone, to my marrow, to my brain, to my liver and even a little fluid in my lungs. On top of that I have developed lymphodema from the radiation to my right hip. I am still here! Does this seem incredible to anyone else? It makes me weepy when I think of all that God has brought me through. At one point we were discussing my death because a tumor had wrapped around my C2 vertebrae and we weren't sure I would make it through the week! Then a year later I'm on my death bed, nothing but skin and bones again discussing funeral arrangements. Now here I am, brain radiated to stop that growth, all other cancer spots are receding and it is trying to grow in my liver. I am getting the strong feeling that the devil is really fighting to get rid of me! Nice to know that God is still in control of what goes on in my body.
I feel like the Cassie's tea is really helping, but we will see. And not just that, I still feel very strongly that God wants me to stick around for a while. First, the tumor in my neck was taken care of so miraculously it was obvious it was God. Second, the raised tumor marker numbers when it went to my marrow...after one treatment of chemo I was like a new person. Thirdly, it goes to my brain and I show no symptoms...ever! Then my numbers start to rise again and it shows up in my liver and I still feel good and show no signs that my numbers are up!! It's like watching a live battle between God and Satan and with every feeble attempt the devil makes God chuckles and says, "Don't worry, sweetheart, I got you covered." I love it!! God has taken care of me every step of the way and He does it in such a way that only He can receive the glory!! I'm soooo thankful!! I said a while ago that God can cure me with whatever He wants; chemo, naturally, an instant miracle, however He wants so I trust Him. And I love seeing Him use all these different ways to do it. I was so ready to do whatever the doctor said, then when he started to work against me, I went totally natural. Both worked for me. And now I am having to combine the two but the difference is that I have a doctor who cares for me and prays for me and lets me do both. I totally know God brought us to East Tennessee for me to have the doctor that I have right now. He has taken care of every need that I have had... the doctor, and most importantly God. He as allowed me to work with the teens which is something that just burdens my heart and I'm so thankful He opened that door. I find trusting Him gets easier every day as He opens my doors for me to walk through and all I want to do is share with others what He has done for me. I hope I can do it in such a way that will bring glory to His name. He is worthy of all glory and praise!!
Monday, May 14, 2012
# 85
I started my new chemo on Friday, it is all pills and it is everyday. I have to take 5 in the morning on an empty stomach than wait an hour before I can eat and once I eat then I can take 3 more. After lunch I take 3 more. It is making my sick to my stomach and giving my diarrhea. I just realized this afternoon that I could wait to take the 5 at night so I won't have to deal with all the pills through the day and be sick all morning. So tomorrow I am going to take the five at night and just do the three during meal times for breakfast and lunch. I'm hoping it will help, but we will see. I really don't want to go back to feeling bad all day long. The discouraging part is that I have to do this everyday. At least when I was taking the liquid chemo it was once a week and I only felt bad that one day, now I am fighting it every day. It is making my daily routine difficult and ironically enough it has made me a little more emotional. Of course if I don't feel good I get weepy very easily so any time Ben said anything to me, how much he loved me, that he would take care of me...yeah, I was weepy. But he is helping me through every moment of every day, especially now that he can see it has made me feel nauseous and tired. He truly is an answer to prayer! I love him sooo much!!
I had such a great past couple of days!! I just wanted to share, on Thursday and Friday my sister and her best friend came in for an overnight visit. It was one long laugh! I so needed that and wished that my other sister could have joined us. I'm actually really excited about June cause I will get brother time with him and his whole family!! But that is for later....on Saturday we had a teen bonfire and game night. It was soooo much fun! I had five foxtails (a leather tennis ball with a nylon tail that you throw like a David and Goliath sling shot) footballs, volleyballs, frisbees, and plans to play capture the flag once it got dark. It turned out awesome with 36 there and everyone played and had fun and was sore the next morning!! :)) The next day was Mother's Day so we went to my in-laws and grilled out, I wasn't feeling real well, thanks to the chemo pills but still had a good time. Then after a nap the kids and I went to see the Avengers. We had sooo much fun! I was truly so thankful that I was able to do all I did. And to top off a great weekend I went tonight to watch my youngest perform in his choir. He had five solos and did so well, I was sooo proud! I made two coconut cream pies for the bbq they had before the performance and my in-laws got to come and watch. It was just a great night and I couldn't help but thank the Father for giving me the ability to be able to do so much. I haven't felt great, but I have been able to do, and that is all I want. God allows me to be here and I am sooo thankful for the chance just to have today! It sounds so simple but it just isn't. Emotionally it is very difficult and very hard to put into words. There are so many compromises, things that you have to be okay with giving up because that is what God wants you to surrender. And if it is what He wants you to surrender, then you give it up. I don't have hair, my nails are rough and some even missing, I can't use my right leg like normal, sleep is hard to come by, etc. But I'm still here and I want to tell people about my God who loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. He lets me stay and I want to tell others about Him. I'm okay with that. :)
I started my new chemo on Friday, it is all pills and it is everyday. I have to take 5 in the morning on an empty stomach than wait an hour before I can eat and once I eat then I can take 3 more. After lunch I take 3 more. It is making my sick to my stomach and giving my diarrhea. I just realized this afternoon that I could wait to take the 5 at night so I won't have to deal with all the pills through the day and be sick all morning. So tomorrow I am going to take the five at night and just do the three during meal times for breakfast and lunch. I'm hoping it will help, but we will see. I really don't want to go back to feeling bad all day long. The discouraging part is that I have to do this everyday. At least when I was taking the liquid chemo it was once a week and I only felt bad that one day, now I am fighting it every day. It is making my daily routine difficult and ironically enough it has made me a little more emotional. Of course if I don't feel good I get weepy very easily so any time Ben said anything to me, how much he loved me, that he would take care of me...yeah, I was weepy. But he is helping me through every moment of every day, especially now that he can see it has made me feel nauseous and tired. He truly is an answer to prayer! I love him sooo much!!
I had such a great past couple of days!! I just wanted to share, on Thursday and Friday my sister and her best friend came in for an overnight visit. It was one long laugh! I so needed that and wished that my other sister could have joined us. I'm actually really excited about June cause I will get brother time with him and his whole family!! But that is for later....on Saturday we had a teen bonfire and game night. It was soooo much fun! I had five foxtails (a leather tennis ball with a nylon tail that you throw like a David and Goliath sling shot) footballs, volleyballs, frisbees, and plans to play capture the flag once it got dark. It turned out awesome with 36 there and everyone played and had fun and was sore the next morning!! :)) The next day was Mother's Day so we went to my in-laws and grilled out, I wasn't feeling real well, thanks to the chemo pills but still had a good time. Then after a nap the kids and I went to see the Avengers. We had sooo much fun! I was truly so thankful that I was able to do all I did. And to top off a great weekend I went tonight to watch my youngest perform in his choir. He had five solos and did so well, I was sooo proud! I made two coconut cream pies for the bbq they had before the performance and my in-laws got to come and watch. It was just a great night and I couldn't help but thank the Father for giving me the ability to be able to do so much. I haven't felt great, but I have been able to do, and that is all I want. God allows me to be here and I am sooo thankful for the chance just to have today! It sounds so simple but it just isn't. Emotionally it is very difficult and very hard to put into words. There are so many compromises, things that you have to be okay with giving up because that is what God wants you to surrender. And if it is what He wants you to surrender, then you give it up. I don't have hair, my nails are rough and some even missing, I can't use my right leg like normal, sleep is hard to come by, etc. But I'm still here and I want to tell people about my God who loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. He lets me stay and I want to tell others about Him. I'm okay with that. :)
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