# 64

I got up early and went to a breakfast for our Senior classes at church. I made an enormous amount of pancakes....plain and raspberry. They were soooo good! But there are consequences to letting the world know that the cancer has gone to your brain....everyone looks at you with a question in there eyes and the smile doesn't quite make it to their eyes until they see I'm still me. I got a lot of "gentle" hugs and soft "i'm praying for you" comments. And then they start to hear me laughing and talking and you can see the tension literally ease out of their faces and limbs. God has blessed me with no symptoms and I am so thankful!!

I had a very difficult experience a couple of weeks ago and I would like to share it. My father-in-law had asked me to visit the hospital to see a lady who was dying of breast cancer. It had spread out of control and they were getting ready to send her home with hospice. So Ben and I went to see her just to share my experience and maybe give her some peace. It was much harder than I was expecting. She was in tremendous pain and had a colostomy bag, and the cancer had literally eaten through her skin. So there were no treatments she could take in the state she was in. We talked and cried together and I had a chance to pray for her. She was at peace when I left but I cried all the way to the car. There but for the grace of God could I have gone. I held Ben's hand and thanked God for mercy and wondered again...why me? I went back on Sunday with my daughter and had a chance to see her again. I probably should have left Patsy at home. By the time we reached the elevator she was sobbing and I of course was crying with her. Watching such an ugly disease eat you from the inside out is just horrible!!! And here I stand....I'm not sure why this road, but it is the road He has allowed me to travel. I will do everything I can to help myself, but it is up to Him if I stay or go. I find myself praying that if He wants me home to let it be quick. My father died quickly which always seemed like such a sudden shock. But compared to the alternative? I would prefer quick over long and drawn out any day!! To watch anyone waste away causes so much mental strain on the family, that is the last thing I want to do!! I want my family to remember me now, laughing and talking and playing and enjoying life! Of course my ultimate goal is to just be here for a very long time! But that is not in my power, it's in His.

The lady I went to visit in the hospital died two days after my last visit. I felt relief for her to be set free. To have no pain or strain, no sadness just joy...what could be better? I was telling my family that when I die (hopefully no time soon) I want it to be a celebration! When my father died I wanted to wear white...I was only 19 and everyone thought I was crazy so I was loaned a black skirt with my white blouse. But I wanted to celebrate where my father was going and that I WOULD see him again! So my kids and husband are under strict rules....I want a celebration! If I could find a mariachi band I would sooooo have one at my funeral!! I don't want quiet, respectful and tears! I want laughter, smiles and song....I want celebration!!

Death is a door to life everlasting.....LIFE everlasting.... I want to celebrate it. No matter if it comes today or twenty years from now. Preferably 50 years from now!! :)

Just an after thought.... Selah sings a song called Hiding Place. I want to sing it tomorrow with Ben. It just keep ringing through my head....He is my hiding place and He keeps filling my heart with songs of deliverance and whenever I feel afraid I will trust in Him. I couldn't say it any better. :)