# 66

I must say that having to do radiation and steroids everyday can get just a little annoying! I am truly starting to feel the conflict of effects on my body. The radiation takes about all of ten minutes to complete but the after effect is feeling like I could sleep the day away. But let's counter that with steroids every six hours.....ugh! So I will come home get some work done...dishes, clothes, planning dinner, maybe paint on a hoodie...then I want to crash and sleep. But NO! I must now take a steroid and be wide awake! So by the time I hit 9:00 in the evening I can't even pry my eyes open! How crazy is this?!

I know that the steroids are keeping the swelling down in my brain while the radiation tries to get the cancer under control, but it is hard to adjust. On the flip side, it is making my teary eyes turn into water falls! And my lymphodema is swelling like crazy no matter what I am doing to reign it in. The little things can be very frustrating....even as I look into the mirror and see my face swelling because of the steroids. I told one of the radiation techs that if my face kept swelling I wouldn't be able to wear the mask that bolts me down to the table...LOL!! Of course it isn't that bad, it just feels that way. The weirdest side effect is how the steroids are making the fibrous scar tissue on my hip and back as hard as a rock. I know it is because of the swelling, but it gets very uncomfortable and difficult to move. (sigh)

So I have to take every day one moment at a time, dealing with the little things and remembering the big. If I focus on the little, which is my first two paragraphs, I will get depressed and overwhelmed. So I focus on the big, I am still here and feeling pretty doggone good! I can still make my bed, do my laundry, do the dishes, cook dinner for my family, paint hoodies with Patsy, laugh and watch movies with my family, go to church and hang out with friends.....Yeah, I would rather focus on the BIG, than the little!

I was having my Bible study this morning and realizing that I am in a different place again. I feel like I am in His hands. Not just me trying to trust Him, or trying to follow Him...I feel like I am in constant communication with Him. I'm not sure I am explaining this right. It is like I feel His presence so strong I could lean over and touch Him. I know that I am covered with prayer and I can feel it in more ways than I can say. And I can feel Him literally surrounding me...like a blanket. To say there is peace that passes all understanding is very true. I had another difficult conversation with a friend the other day...she finally got the nerve to call and she was trying to be strong. It is hard to realize until you hear it from someone else...I have cancer in my brain. So here I am feeling at peace trying to comfort her...that is only from God. I don't understand His ways, but I understand that He loves me and has given me a peace that passes understanding. I can share that! How many people can't come to terms with circumstances in their lives? I don't know how people do it without God. He is hope in every meaning of the word!

So I go another day, still here and holding the hand of my Father. When I get a phone call from my family I know that we both are realizing that at any moment I could have an aneurysm and it could be over. I don't live close to any of my siblings and that has made this a little harder. We are all across the states and schedules are crazy for just taking a trip out of the blue. But, they know as well as I do that if God takes me home I will see them again. So our phone calls have extra "I love you's" and lots of laughter. How can laughter come in such crazy times? Only by knowing the one who is still holding me together. He wants me here, that is why I am here. That comforts me in ways that are indescribable!!

So I am getting crazy tired and it is late...but I will share a laughter moment before nodding off to bed. (okay, that is never quick, too much to do before my head hits the pillow!) I was talking to my brother today and told him I about had a cornea... and yes, as soon as it passed my lips I knew I said the wrong word! LOL! Of course he knows me well enough to know that my vocabulary is precise and I don't misuse words often if at all....ha! ha! So he slowly asks if that is what I said....yes, it was....then the laughter! You mean....coronary? YES!!! So, needless to say it is now my mind that is being affected and he won't let me forget it!! We laughed for quite some time over it! Thank-you big brother for the laughter! I have loved it and look forward to YEARS more!!!!