# 65

I made it through my first Sunday after finding out that the cancer has gone to my brain. I am soooo thankful for my church family!! They truly are such a wonderful support! They have just lifted us up sooo much and have been there in ways I don't know how to say! I find myself praying that God will bless them as they have blessed us. It is amazing to find a church home that truly embodies what the church is supposed to be...I am very thankful!!

Having said that, it is hard to see people with that look of sorrow in their eyes. I knew Sunday would be difficult for that reason. It is a sadness that never leaves their eyes. I just want to say, "it's okay" because I know the God I serve. He has prepared and made plans for me and I intend to be ready for them. I don't feel afraid. Faith is interesting isn't it? We want to signify with...well, if it's your will Lord. Where is the "I believe" ? I could truly park on this subject for quite a while, but I will just make the point. As in "Facing the Giants" I will plan for rain.

On the other hand, I have noticed that the right side of my face has a very small amount of ...not sure how to put it since it is that minor....lack of movement. You can't see it but I can feel it when I eat or smile. It is interesting but doesn't alarm me. I shared with the doctor this morning and he wasn't worried at all. I'm sure it is because of swelling and he felt that it wouldn't even be an issue. That is good to know. Of course, no one can really tell so it works out all the way around.

I went to a "look good....feel good" class for cancer patients today. It is designed for cancer patients who are going through chemo and radiation that lose hair and struggle through the physical devastation's of the disease. Sometimes I feel very out of place in circles like these. I have hope and there are so many others that don't. One of the ladies burst into tears when I started sharing my story with one of the hosts. I felt so bad for her, but she just struggled with keeping it together. By the time we got done with make-up and started on the wigs she was doing better...in a room with survivors and fighters she was beginning to feel not so alone. I was very thankful. There are so many in this world who have no hope. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around it. Everyday is a day with the Father and He gives me so much of His time and love! I can't imagine a day with out Him!! I hope I can tell others as much as I can about who He is. We all need Him sooo much!!

So here I sit....pondering again. I'm not sure why all this has come about the way it has. Who needs to learn something, who needs to see the Father, does someone need to grow in faith, do my children need to trust Him more, what do I need to learn? I ask these questions to no avail. I know there is no way to actually have an answer....so I trust. That seems to be a big word in my vocabulary...Trust. It seems to encompass sooo much. It only gets hard when I look at my family. I think the hardest is looking at my husband. He is almost freezing everything he is doing to be with me. Almost as though he is afraid that he won't have tomorrow. The kids are doing okay with regular routine, but Ben's hours are set by him...so he wants to do everything for me. It is hard. I find myself praying and not sure exactly what to pray. I want him to have a peace, but I also understand that I have cancer in my brain....in my brain! How can I blame him for wanting to spend every moment possible with me? I would be doing the same thing! He is starting to unwind just a little and I pray that it will get better for him. I guess the only way that will happen fully is when I get a good report back :) So I look forward to that day....I am preparing to do the work that God intended me to do and believing that I will do it. He set it up....so I will be ready. That is what faith is ....right?