# 62

So here I stand again...looking at death in the face and wondering what will happen next. When all my scans came back I found out that the cancer has gone to my brain and a couple lymph nodes in my abdomen. So I have to immediately start radiation for three weeks then I have to have a new chemo cocktail since the last combo I was on didn't stop the cancer from going to my lymph nodes. Now to explain about the cancer in my brain... I have multiple spots. One is a half-inch in diameter and one is hemorrhaging. The doctors both asked me what my symptoms were and I don't have any symptoms. They were flabbergasted! I should have problems with my vision, balance, memory, personality, headaches, possible black-outs and seizures. I have nothing and I can't help but to attribute that to God.

I'm not sure how to put into words how it makes me feel to hear the doctor tell me the cancer is in my brain in multiple spots. It is like a sinking feeling and it feels like my mind is trying hold on the anything that won't slip away. I look at my husband and see he is trying to not break up for my benefit... things are slipping even more... So I grab a hold of my Savior, He is the only one I can hold onto now. Leaving this world doesn't bother me or scare me. How could going to Heaven be anything but wonderful? But as I look into the eyes of the other half of me my heart breaks in two. I want to be here with Ben until we are 95! I want to grow old with him and watch out children get married and see my grand babies! I love the dynamics of our family and I know what it means and how it will change if I am gone. Then the doctor says it could effect my memory. Now the tears come.... unimpeded. It is the ones you leave behind that makes it so hard to think about dying.

When we got home to tell the kids I couldn't keep the tears back. I know I am my daughter's best friend. And my boys and I are very close. Since I homeschooled the kids we have had a very open relationship and it has been easier for me than Ben because of it. So I look at my family and just want to stay and be there for them.... Then there are my teens that have become part of my extended kid family. I love them like they are my own and they all cried and called after they heard. Again I don't know how to explain how it feels to hear my "other" kids are hurting and don't want me to die. I want to ask God why, but it doesn't matter because I know He has my best interest at heart. So I go back to scripture and read God's promises and remember how He loves me. All things work together for good to them that love God, for those who are the called according to His purpose. All things.... So I tell my kids about God's love and remind them that He wants what's best for them as well. There is an irony .... it doesn't make it easier. It is hard to see my family hurt, my friends hurt.

This is when I have to hold on to the Lord the hardest. I go through my days and laugh and enjoy my time with my kids and husband. But this is when I hold on.... I can't hide how it weighs on me from Ben he knows me too well. But my kids don't need to know how I worry for them. Not so much worry but concern. I hate sharing and seeing the people I love go through pain, it makes me pray a lot more. I'm holding on.... My brother, sisters, mom. I'm holding on...

So now I start radiation and I am praying God will take care of the cancer. I know it is no problem for Him, He just must want to ... prayer comes often. I want His will....actually I want His will no matter what. If He wants to take me home, I go home and I know that it will be the best for me and my family. If He lets me stay, than it will be the best for my family and me. So I leave it in His hands. His large, strong hands and the knowledge that He knows so much more than me. My God, my Father, my Savior, Protector, Creator, Lover of my soul ... I am His and He is mine. I am thankful that I have a Father who loves me the way He does.