# 69

I woke up this morning and looked into the mirror and wondered who that woman was staring back at me. I could eat yogurt and drink water and still pack on the pounds thanks to steroids. It is funny to me that it is supposed to reduce the swelling in my brain and it causes so much swelling everywhere else. How irritating!! I have to deal with it irritating my stomach and mouth as well. I didn't realize how much till I forgot to take my prilosec for my stomach. It caused my mouth to get irritated and now I am having to deal with that as well. So no side effects from the TUMORS just from the STEROIDS!!! How irritating on every level!!!! Just two more radiation treatments then I can start weening off the steroids. Not soon enough!!

So this woman in the mirror has very round cheeks and she has nothing but a little fuzz left and not much eye brows or eye lashes....well for that matter, she has no real breasts (just fake) and no ovaries. Sometimes being a woman has to go beyond the physical. There isn't much of me left that physically qualifies me as a woman. How do you describe to anyone how that makes me feel? Only someone who has gone through it can comprehend the feelings. So I am lying on the couch and my husband asks how I'm doing...and I tell him. I don't recognize me anymore. He literally jumps off the couch and comes right over top of me and looks into my eyes and says.." you aren't looking in the right place. You need to look right in there...(points to my eyes). There you are...and you are beautiful!" Okay.....How do I convey what this man means to me and how he shows me the love of God everyday!!! Of course I burst into tears and hugged the breath right out of him and realized that that is how my God sees me!! This body is just a shell...just a shell. He created me and He thinks I'm beautiful!! That makes me sing for joy! I am a story of His Grace! (Okay, my sister sings a song of that and I listened to it again and just cried) He wrote my story.....He wrote this life I am walking....I want nothing more than to live the life that He made for me and I know that not only can I live it, He is helping me to live it. As I lie in bed at night and wonder why....I stop and realize it doesn't matter why. He has given me this path and I am willing to walk it. Maybe that is the key. I am willing. I don't know the answers...but that doesn't matter either because He does.

I had this wonderful weekend with friends that came in for a visit and I was enjoying the love of God with the family of God. I love living everyday like it's my last...shouldn't we all? So keeping perspective is truly key and the attitude is just soooo much a part of it. So I have wonderful reminders. Friends that treat me like I'm still alive...lol! And family that acts normal and lets me live every day to the fullest. I am here because God wants me here and I won't leave this world until He says it's time to go. Just because I have this Stage 4 stuff going on doesn't mean I'm dying this month or this year or whenever! It just weirds people out to know it is in my brain and I could die at any moment. But not if God doesn't want me too. I'm still here and I'm still living my life with no side effects. That is only from God. AND He is AWESOME!!