Blog #36

I had a rough week this week. It is hard to deal with the mental attacks, and sometimes it feels constant. My hip has been giving me some pain and it has made me feel so stressful. When you have cancer it is always first and foremost in your mind when there is any pain in your body. It screams at you, "it's the cancer!!!!". It is right irritating! Needless to say I was feeling like the cancer was reaking havoc in my body and every time I started to hurt it was like a siren went off in my head, "See, it is the cancer and it is still growing. You are going to die and it doesn't matter what you do to fight it."
I know that fighting this is something that I need to do mentally more than anything else. And the incredible thing is that I got to see God moving in the smallest, most significant ways this week. That He loves me enough to do these things to let me know that He still cares for me and wants me to trust Him, is overwhelming!!
I had people call, people come up at church, texts sent that people were praying for me. I was worried that people weren't praying as much since we are in E. TN but God difinitely showed me that He still has people praying for me....how loved that made me feel!! I even received a card from someone I don't know, letting me know that she is praying for me!! I needed it so much that I was a huge crying, grateful mess!!! I made Patsy pull out Joseph and play the song that he sings while in the dungeon. "You know better than I" Wow. I don't need to say anything else. I am so thankful that He loves me and is taking care of me!!!
It gets hard and He never said it would be easy, I am just so grateful that He will go through it with me. I don't want to go through this alone :) (i'm not strong enough by myself)

Blog # 35

It has been a pretty crazy month! We are settled in at my in-laws, but the snow has kept us snowed in for three weeks! I started looking for a job just because it is important right now for us to get back on track and move out, but I knew if I got one it would totally be the Lord's will. Well guess what? God works out things that I have no understanding of and yet I can see Him moving. Ben called me late one night before he headed home and asked if I would like to work with him. Well, for me the ideal work environment would be to work with him!!! So I got up the next morning and headed in with him to work. It has been crazy with snow and I have only been there for five half days but I am so excited that God worked out something for me to do....now I will explain why it meant so much to me.

I have been struggling with aching bones since I fell a couple of weeks ago. And I am sure it is easy to understand that when anything hurts in my body I immediately think..."Cancer!" Well, being in someone elses house with nothing to do.... and my kids struggling with the same thing, it is very wearing emotionally. I found myself getting depressed. I was trying desperately not to , but it would creep up on me and I just couldn't hold it back. I was to the point where I was getting ready to talk to my husband about it because I did not know what to do. But God did. If there is something I can focus on, or even contribute with, it helps me so much!! My personality type is not one to focus on me with a "woe is me attitude" I just want to help, be productive, etc. I know I need to focus on getting better, but my mental state is extremely important and it helps me so much to be able to do something. I loved being in Dickson because I could focus on teaching, encouraging others, being supportive to others, here we aren't plugged in so I was feeling emotionally "not" anchored. Now I can go to work with a Christian boss and co-workers who are very sweet and understanding, and I can see the relief on my husbands face. I am contributing and yet I do nothing strenuous and work at my own pace!! How incredible is God to work out such details just for me!!?

On the flip side my kids have been job hunting but our vehicle has had some issues but we can't fix them till the weather is a little better so we can get under the engine. So their search stopped cold. And yet I know that all things work out the way they do for a reason. And the neat thing, they both realized it as well. They were all having cabin fever this weekend so we got up early Saturday and left together and just drove around Johnson City. We went to all kinds of stores and even went to the mall. We found a huge used book store that we all just loved! We were so happy! When I got home last night I could barely keep my eyes open! Then when we got up for church this morning I was hurting so bad I couldn't sit still in the pew. I had to stand half way through the service, so you know the devil was all over that!! Again, that irritating voice..."Cancer! Cancer!....." Urgh!! It made me just want to yell, "You loser!! I know the REAL Physcian!! SHUT-UP!!!!"

Just a reminder to the devil and all of his friends, I am Christ's and He is mine. That's it in a nutshell. And it is nice to say it out loud every now and again. :)

So, my youngest has been out of school since Dec. 10th. The snow was bad in Dickson before we left so he missed his last week of school when they were having testing. Thankfully he didn't need to test because he had straight A's. So we go to enroll him here and found they were out of school that week as well and there was no point for him to enroll the first week of Jan. because they would just be testing and he would have nothing to do. But here came the snow! He has been out for over a month!!! Nice Christmas BREAK!!! He is happy, and yet cabin fever is rampant! He is actually looking forward to school just for some variety!! LOL!!!

I found out this past week that a dear friend of mine from H.S. died this week. He was only 43. It made me sad and nostalgic. His life dealt some unfortunate circumstances that made me feel sad for him and his family. Just when I start to get overwhelmed with my circumstances God brings to my attention someone else who needs some prayer cover. If any of you know David Parker, please keep his family in your prayers. He passed away this week and was entirely too young! He will be remembered and loved by sooo many!!

Blog # 34

I have had a wonderful Christmas and New Year! I have settled in at my in-laws and am fully back in my normal routine. My youngest starts school on Monday and my two oldest officially go job hunting on Monday as well. It is hard to share a home even if it is with someone you love so much. So we are doing everything we can to give them there space back and get on with out own home and living. I am looking forward to getting a place where we can have a hobby farm again. I would like to have some fresh eggs and free-grazing chickens. Maybe even some grass fed beef...that would be sooooo awesome!! We are definitely praying for God to give us a place where we can have some natural food to raise on our own. But He has been so good to us, I feel like He will definitely open that door for us.

My sister-in-law has been such a wonderful source of encouragement with soooo much information and knowledge. I am very thankful to be here! I have had other family members ask about my juicing and diet and I am doing everything I can to inform everyone who wants to know how to be more healthy and hopefully they will never have to go down this road. But ultimately, God is in control. It is totally Him that has kept me here this long and if we are willing to eat right and know and trust Him? We can be cancer free as well. I don't want people to think it is just what I am doing, it is totally God.

I have found that some days I feel slow and down and maybe my hip will be hurting but then I read in scripture or hear about someone doing much worse than me and I realize that He loves me! He has done so much for me and my family, to take care of us, to provide for us, to not just meet our needs but to give us our wants as well! The sadness can't stay! I am His, my children are His, my husband is His. How wonderful to know that no matter what happens, we are going to be taken care of!

Well, my husband is working and almost done with classes. We are ready for him to be selling, and we are ready to be back to normal. But until then....we wait for God's timing and know that it is perfect.

Happy New Year! I am still here! And God Is Good!!!!!!!!!!!