#103

I have had a very busy past couple of weeks with positive and negative.  I went to water aerobics and learned how easy it was to do and also how easy it was to over do it.  My third class I pulled a muscle in my back and did too much in my leg.....it was really bad!  I could hardly deal with the pain in my back but the worst was I started running a fever and couldn't  stop shaking. I thought I was getting a sinus infection.  NO.  It was my leg and the lymphodema, it had gotten infected from over work.  It swelled up and was red and hot to the touch!  It was awful!!  I got some antibiotics and was okay in a couple of days but it was not fun at all.  Then my back...it gets to feeling better then starts hurting again.  I have gone back and forth for three weeks!  So, because it is still giving me pain I will let them know tomorrow, even though they really can't do anything about it.

On the good news side, our SS class gave us money to help us out at Christmas, it was such a blessing, and caught us so off guard!  God is just so wonderful in taking care of us!  We may have found our home church and I am so happy that I just can't put it into words.  I have been making gifts for the ladies at the doctors office.  I'm excited and can't wait to see their faces :))  It will be a good Christmas :)

#  103

I have been doing really well since my last scans and I have been feeling very grateful.  Every chance I've had I have been letting people know how awesome God is and what He has done for me.  Perfect timing to Thanksgiving :)  I started going to the YMCA for my physical therapy since my insurance won't cover any more PT.  My therapist told my about the Y offering free water aerobics for people with arthritis.  The Arthritis Foundation offers it for people just like me.  :))

So I have gone to two classes and I am having a blast for so many reasons!  First I can move in so many more ways while in water that it makes me excited to think I'm moving that hip joint and keeping it loose...yay!!  But, boy does it wear me out in a good way :)   So I go into aerobics and I am the youngest one there by 25 to 30yrs.  It is so much fun listening to these 6 to 8 sweet, older ladies and 3 to 4 older men.  Some joke and ask about spouses .... others laugh and flirt... it is just too much fun!  Now the icing on the cake....this young life guard, I mean like my son's age around 20 was giving me the eye!!  He only talked to me and no one else going in then coming out with a bunch of smiles it made me roll laughing!  I am sooooo not a cougar!  Bwahahahahahahaaaa!!!!  And the way this cancer has deformed me?  I just couldn't stop laughing!   So I head back today with my mother-in-law to see if she would like to try and WHAM-O!!  He struck again!  I was laughing the whole way home AGAIN!  Well, the PT is wonderful the golden oldies are adorable and my own personal flirt makes me laugh hysterically.  It has been a good week.

One more wonderful thing this week, well maybe two.  We got a visit from a friend who sponsored a drive for the school to help give needy families enough food for Thanksgiving dinner.  She gave us four boxes of food and TWO turkeys!  We have been pretty tight lately due to some unexpected expenses....it was just an answer to prayer and I thank God for it.  He is so good to us and we just cried and thanked Him as we stood around the table... :))  The other half of the good weekend...a church has asked Ben to be their Pastor.  So we need some prayer cover...my husband and I want to follow God's lead so we will be praying if this is the right place.  Like we always do, we will follow Him. :)

#  102

I haven't have a chance to post my good news which makes my last post pointless except to say that I had to go through the whole weekend being very down.  I received a phone call from my doctor late Monday afternoon after having gone through the whole weekend thinking that my end was rushing at me much quicker than I was expecting.  He said he had very good news, that my scans were not read correctly.  Let me see if I can explain...I took a CT scan in Feb. of this year and another two weeks ago.  I also took a PET scan in July.  My radiologist was comparing the two CT scans which is normal procedure.  BUT, it would have very different reactions from the radiologist because in Feb I had no cancer in my liver at the time.  But in July I did.  So he was looking at growth that he thought was brand new.

My doctor noticed the discrepancy in my tumor marker numbers and called the radiologist to see what he did.  Then had him compare July with 2 wks ago.  Needless to say, he saw the cancer and how SMALL it had gotten!!  So my doctor was telling me that everyone was jumping and shouting for joy!!   Well, SO WAS I!!!  So I am sticking with this chemo for a while and we will see how small we can get this cancer to go!!  Actually it doesn't matter what the chemo does, it's all God anyway!  PRAISE GOD!!  PRAISE GOD!!

#  101

I didn't get good results from my scans on Friday.  If you have never been through it, it is hard to describe how it makes you feel.  I never break down or freak out and I know that is just me leaning on the Father, but it will eventually make the tears come.  My scans showed that it has grown quite a bit in my liver, I now have a spot in my right lung and it has started growing again in my bones.  I have now crossed over into scary.  I say that but you need to understand what is scary to me.  I'm not afraid to die at all.  That is going home for me.  But being in a lot of pain or turning neon yellow scares me because I DO NOT want my kids to see me like that!  I had a dear, sweet friend in Virginia who found tumors on her liver and she glowed yellow and was gone in 3months.  It was hard to watch, but so joyful to see her go in her sleep to be with our Savior.

I find that tears are always close to the surface.  Ben was in the kitchen cooking chili (it was awesome!)  when I walked in and he asked if he should add tomatoes and I said yes.  His response,"I'm so glad you are here to tell me how to do this right :)"  I burst into tears!  I hate the thought of leaving my best friend here or my kids here.  I want to help them in their life to come.  I want to be the helpmeet for my husband and I want to continue to be his confidant.  I know where I will be, but it is hard to imagine the hole I will leave.  Okay Robin, God can take care of your family better than you can!  Say that again till you feel it in your toes!!

We do all we can to laugh and praise God through all of this, my youngest said, "How unfair that you get to skip out early and miss everything getting worse until the rapture!!"  I responded with..."hate that for ya!"  We all laughed, then Patsy started crying.  My boys try to be strong and
are happy when I start joking...it is just too close to the surface.  Or should I say too close to the heart.  I just never dreamed this would be happening to me at the ripe young age of 42.  We wanted to be young when we had our kids so we would be young when they had their kids.  I always regretted that my father never had a chance to meet my kids. He would have loved them!  Now there is a big possibility that my kids will say that about me.

Okay, here is where I get into trouble....God can still cure me if He wants too.  I can't dwell on the what if's.  It will depress me too much and on the flip side if I focus too much on Heaven then I won't want to fight to stay here!  Is that crazy?!!  Father, please help me to be ready for either eventuality.  I can do this with your help but only Yours.  Thank-you for the prayers, I have needed every single one of them!  I love you all, my friends and family.

#  100

After beating myself up at Universal Studios on the 8th of Oct. I came home and was in bed for a week and a half.  Taking pain pills and using ice packs and heating pads...LOL!!  Two weeks later I am feeling good and a special thanks to my Physical Therapist Diane.  She was very good to me and had me feeling so much better.  God is sooo good to me to allow me to go the Florida in the first place, but I think I covered all that in my last post.  So, on to tomorrow....

Well I go in for a CT scan tomorrow which means I have to drink the nasty, chalky stuff.  I feel really good but that really doesn't mean anything with me.  The last time I felt really good it had gone to my brain.  LOL!!  So I go in to these scans knowing that I'm in God's hands.  There is nothing I can do about what they find except be okay with whatever comes.  I have had so much prayer and I know it is what has gotten me to this point, but it truly has been a learning process.  I love that God holds me in His hands and wants what is best for me, so like the three Hebrew children, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednigo I can say with all my heart, " My God is able to heal me, but if He chooses not to I will still serve Him!!"  Just like Ps. 63:3 Because His lovingkindness is greater than life, my lips will praise You!  So if you read this blog I always appreciate prayer cover, thank-you, because who you are praying to is the one holding my life in His hands (and yours as well :).

On a different line my husband has put his name out to Pastor again.  He has taken the last two years off while we battled for my life and now that I am doing well and feeling well the call on his heart has become unbearable.  He needs to be preaching again.  We felt God moving and knew it was coming but we would love to have some prayer cover so we will make the right decision and go where He wants us.  We want to serve and will do whatever he wants us to do.  He has preached at two different churches and we are going somewhere else next week.  I am enjoying the variety of church bodies, so I feel good about wherever we may go, but that doesn't matter.  God has our church picked out for us and I am ready to find it :)  It is very calming to know that God knows where we will land, I'm getting excited about it.  I'll keep everyone posted about my scans which I will know on Thursday and about our church status.  Thanks for the continued prayers, I can't make it a day without them :)  Love you all!!

#  99

Okay, there is so much to cover I will try not to take too long in saying it.  But, it is all good :))  I was wanting to take a trip with my husband down to Tampa to visit my sister and we had so many things happen that I just couldn't do it.  So my sister calls and says that she wants to buy me and my daughter plane tickets so we can come down for a visit.  I cried for days every time I'd think about it!  My daughter was beside herself since she has never been on a plane before and we were going to Universal Studios as well.

We started to plan and laugh and be so excited we could hardly breath!  Then my sister sends a text and says she needs me to speak to her ladies and give my testimony since they were going through "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge.  Okay, I don't mind doing that because I've read the book and it changed my life.  So if God receives glory, I'm totally okay with that.  Then she sends another text...now I'm singing in the choir and singing a solo.  Feeling a little nervous now... but I would love to participate!  So the day is getting nearer and nearer we are coming undone.  Oh, wait, one more text...my sister got a hold of my Aunt Betty and my cousin Melissa and we were spending Friday with them.  I'm not sure I could feel any happier!

So the day arrives and off to the airport we go!  We leave from Tri-Cities to Charlotte then to Tampa.  It was short trips and Patsy was all about pics and looking out the window :)  We arrive to 85 degree weather....yeah.  We get off the plane and both Patsy and I are starving so Patina takes us to the Cheesecake Factory.  It was delicious but it always is.  We laughed and talked and headed to her house via a short tour of her church and neighborhood.  We spent the evening with Patina and Shawna looking at old pictures and planning for the next day with Aunt Betty at the beach.  Patsy and I went to bed happy and pleasantly tired.
Friday we woke packed up some stuff and put on our suits to head to Anna Maria Island.  We went to Aunt Betty's and met Melissa there.  We hugged, laughed, cried, and packed up in Melissa's van and headed to the beach.  We had lunch at Mr. Bones which was awesome then headed to the water.  It was perfect!  Clear, sea foam green water at about 80-85 degrees and beautiful white sands.  We got into the water and didn't want to get out...it was dreamy :))  We headed back to Aunt Betty's and I was feeling pretty tired so we pulled out her old pics and everyone sprawled out and passed pics around and walked and laughed down memory lane.  It was a night I won't forget! :))
Saturday was spent just hanging out with Patina, Patrick and Shawna.  We hung out in her pool, played a blind taste test game...watched Youtube...it was so much fun!
Sunday was incredible! To be a part of the choir, to praise and worship with my sister's church, to hear my niece sing, and my nephew play the guitar I was overwhelmed.  Then I had a chance to give my testimony to Patina's class.  God was present and I'm thankful for His blessing.  I was able to share and God blessed, He is just so faithful.  The icing on the cake for me was that Aunt Betty and Melissa with her girls were able to come that Sunday morning.  We all went to lunch and caught up even more if that is possible.  It was just so wonderful :))
On Monday morning it was time to head to Universal Studios.  I don't have enough words to say how awesome this was!!  It was me, Patsy, Shawna, Patina and Debbie.  We rented a wheelchair and were able to take the fast track on the rides.  It was really awesome and I wasn't hurting at all. The rides were so smooth and fun that I was overjoyed!  Until the last ride which was Spiderman 3D and it shook and jarred me so bad I was hurting pretty good by the time we got back to the house.  I used the heating pad that night and it was relieving, but when we got home (back to TN)  I was in so much pain I was crying.
I learned my lesson the hard way, my back and good hip had pulled muscles so last week was spent in bed with pain pills and heating pads.  But I was able to go and I thank God for it.  I go for more scans in two weeks so I'm anxious to get that done and see where I stand.  I don't feel worried, I feel like God is still in control :))  I love Him for giving me a weekend with my sister, it was wonderful, thank-you Father :))

#  98

It's funny how life changes like a flowing river.  I have been going to treatments and have been so thankful for the doctors and nurses.  They are like my church family, it's my doctor family :)  All of my chemo nurses are Christians and we share prayer requests frequently.  One of them shared a request for a man who discovered he had a brain tumor.  I prayed for him, his wife and children.  In two months God took him home.  That was about a month ago....I still pray for the wife and kids and talking with my nurse we were discussing how she is doing.  What came up?  All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.  As we talked about the wife I found myself asking on her behalf...Father, I know you want  what is best for us and I hurt for her, please ease her pain.  Then I find myself asking how this is good for her?  Then my thoughts drift to me....why am I still here?  It could have so easily been me that died.  I have come so close to death so many times that I have asked why more than I can count.  Over the past couple of months I have had a lot of time to focus on the Father.  It is emotional going through all these ups and downs with this cancer and learning to let go and trust that He really does love me and want the best for me.  He showed me so many times in scripture that He makes promises and keeps them, that He wants me to trust Him so I let go.  I let go of this fear that rears it's ugly head when I get tired or get a bad scan...I just let go.  I love Psalm 63:3 "Because your lovingkindness is better than life, My lips will praise you."  Better than LIFE!  No matter what comes my way.....better than life.  Praise God He is good and I will praise Him!  I know the lady who lost her husband is hurting, but maybe His reason for taking him was because he would have been in horrible pain or crippled or I don't know, BUT my Father does!  So I go on the roller coaster but I get to sit in His hands as I go.  I'm learning to be very okay with that.  I love you Father, and I trust You.  Thank-you for letting me stay and be a part of the ministry you have planned for me.  I get to praise you and I will continue to do so until you call me home because your lovingkindness is better than life.  May I glorify You with all that I am!

#  97

So I am doing my physical therapy today and I didn't cry!!  How wonderful is that?!  I am moving a whole lot better with my leg and hip and I can't tell you how awesome it feels :)  The crazy thing is that now I am having problems with my TMJ.  I am right irritated with it!!  I am having a hard time with closing my mouth and I can hardly eat.  Yeah, I'd like to lose weight but not like this!
So I guess I just add this to my list.  I guess I'll talk to my doctor and see if there is anything they can do.  I don't have much hope because my insurance won't cover anything unless it is cancer related.  Maybe they can give me some muscle relaxers....that would make me feel good all over!  LOL!!

Any who, I am doing well with my new chemo, Haleva.  It doesn't have any adverse effects on me so it makes treatments very easy to endure.  I feel good and have good energy so I have been able to do more.  I have enjoyed two weekends of camping out and friends coming in for the weekend. It has been wonderful :))  God has been very good to me this summer.  This Friday night I am having a lock-in for our teens at a comic store in town owned by some friends of ours.  It will be a gamers dream lock-in...LOL!!  I'm bringing a mattress and a pillow!!

I will try to blog sooner, I just get involved in living and sitting down to blog is not on my mind.  That is actually a good thing. :)

#  96

I wanted to update everyone on how my new chemo is doing and PT.  My new chemo is called Haleva and I take it once a week for two weeks then I am off a week.   I have had two treatments and I can't even tell I have had any chemo at all.  That is a wonderful plus, let's just hope it is doing it's job :)  I'm not sure how long till the run some more scans and blood work again but as soon as I know you will know.

I have been doing really well with my PT and that is wonderful news!  I have had no elasticity in that right hip joint and it has made everything so difficult.  Well after 12 PT sessions I have seen a noticeable improvement.  I went camping last weekend at Davy Crockett with out tent and I couldn't get myself off the ground.  But camping out this weekend I can do it all by myself !!  How awesome is that?!  I am worn out but feeling so happy :))  I love how God just gives such little things and they feel so wonderful !!!  Thank-you, Father, You make me feel so special :))

#  95

I received some more bad news today.  It is funny how time seems to stand still for just a minute as you process what was said.  My PET showed that I have a slight increase of activity in my liver and in a couple lymph nodes in my belly.  The doc was not happy and so I will probably have to change chemo's again next week.  Even though it was "slight" he doesn't want any growth at all and neither do I.

Ben and I were actually very calm and talked of the next chemo that I will need to take and discussed our plans from here.  The doctor walked out and I looked at Ben and asked if he was okay, and just started crying.  I know who holds my hand or better yet holds me in His hands but it is hard to ride this roller coaster.  I have no fear of dying and thinking of Heaven is exciting to me but, when I think of the Lord taking me home now not later....I just think of my family and I almost can't breath.  Then I get mad at myself for getting emotional because He has brought me through soooo much!  If He wanted to take me home I have had so many close calls!!  So then I go back and read and remind myself of His promises.  He is here with me....thank-you, Father!  I can't do this without Him...it is much to hard.  Some nights I ask God why, or how much longer?  But I can't ask that anymore I have to ask for strength and know that even though I don't want to go through it any more, He is still allowing me to go through it, so I will endure.  If He didn't give me His strength every day, I just wouldn't be here.

So I'm looking at the list of side effects of the new chemo and I start crying and just say, I can do this Father, because You are with me and give me strength, I'm holding on for dear life Lord, because I trust You....I love You, Father!!

I'm reminded of the song I sang Sunday morning by Twila Paris, it has become a personal testimony and I can hear the Lord's gentle whisper reminding me of its words....

Hard as it seems, standing in dreams
Where is the dreamer now
Wonder if I wanted to try,
Would I remember how
I don't know the way to go from here
But I know that I have made my choice
This is where I stand, until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice

This is the faith, patience to wait
When there is nothing clear
Nothing to see, still we believe
Jesus is very near
I cannot imagine what may come
But I've already made my choice
This is where I stand, until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice

Could it be that He was only waiting there to see,
If I will learn to love the dreams that He has dreamed for me

Can't imagine what the future holds
But I've already made my choice
This is where I stand, until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice

Thank-You Father, I do trust You.

#  94

I need to share my physical therapy experiences.  I saw my radiologist a couple weeks ago and prescribed physical therapy because the steroids had caused my scar tissue to harden under my skin which apparently only happens to 10 percent of patients.  So I start physical therapy and discover that what needs work is my scar tissue which requires her to use those awful scrapers (like a windshield scraper for ice).  But what I didn't know was that my quadriceps have tightened up because of my scar tissue soooo the physical therapy has been two fold.  Work out the scar tissue with the scrapers and pull and rub my thigh till I cry.

Well that is just what happened.  I went to PT and she scraped me and rubbed me till I was crying.  but when I got home ... my knee was swollen and hurting so bad I couldn't walk on it.  It happened like this for the next 4 visits and the last visit on Friday John Allen went with me.  We got there at lunch time and everyone had gone except for my therapist.  So I warmed up and then went back to "the room".  It was the worst PT yet and I realized as I was leaving that Allen probably heard me in there.  So when I got in the truck I asked him if he heard me. He said yes and that it sounded like I was in a torture chamber.  Yeah, needless to say I am thankful that it is getting a little better after every session. Today I took some oxycodone before going to therapy and it helped, I still cried but at least it is getting better.  All of this to say it has been a hard three weeks, lots of pain, not much sleep and even having to use a cane.  I can't tell you how discouraging a week of lying on the couch with my leg up and iced can make you feel.  You watch your house get dirtier and dirtier and the chaos and laundry...yeah it gets crazy stressful.

I find that I spent a lot of time praying and He reminded me that He has never left me.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  So I go to PT knowing that my Father is holding my hand and that He will get me through.  Thank-you, Father, I love you!!

#  93

It is strange to have such good news then know that my doctor has scheduled an MRI and PET scan to check out what is going on inside my body.  The devil will do what ever he can to cause me to doubt.  My numbers are going down and I feel better but my mind will start to wander and I hear the "what if's" in my mind.  That is when I have to look to my Father and remember, read and pray those promises He has given to me.  They aren't mans promises, but His and because they are His they are unbreakable.  How comforting is that for anyone that needs hope?  He has my life in His hands and I trust what He has already prepared for me.  It reminds me of my sister's song, "Story of Your Grace".  I don't think she'll mind if I type out the words for you...

I was on Your mind before the world began
Gently You formed me when I was in Your hand
And I know You made me, whom I'm meant to be
And I hope that I will live this dream You have for me
So I know I have to try...and I know You're on my side

Chorus:
Because You gave me a name, called me Your own
You wrote my life with the power of Your love
Now my life's a song of endless praise
You have written every single page
I'm a story of Your grace.

You know everything about me but you loved me anyway
And there is strength in knowing that's not going to change
So I'll go if You send me even if I'm afraid
I know that I can trust You so I'm stepping out in faith
This mountain I will climb and I know I will survive!          (Woo! Hoo! Praise God!!!)

Bridge:
You know everything about me but You loved me anyway
So I'll go where you send me .....
(back to chorus)

Chorus:
Because You gave me a name, called me Your own
You wrote my life with the power of Your love
Now my life's a song of endless praise
You have written every single page
I'm a story of Your grace!

(written by Patina Ripkey my wonderful big sister)


This song is my testimony and when I hear her CD I can't listen to this song without the tears rolling down my face.  Read it again and know that it is true for you as well.  We are written with the power of His love....Praise God!!!  So as I face my cancer I know that I am in His hands what He wants for me is what I want for me.  He is doing the writing!  And with all my near death experiences I see His hand or should I say script in every part of it!  I am excited to see what the new scans show because I know God has my life in His hands.  Thank-you Father, and may I glorify you till the day I die and beyond! "Now my life is a song of endless Praise!"

#  92

Guess What?!?!  My tumor marker numbers are down 50 pts!!  They check my levels once a month and last month they had gone up a little which we knew it probably would till the chemo kicked in.  I was feeling really good so neither Ben nor I were surprised, but we sure were happy!! I can't tell how good it feels to know my life is in God's hands.  Just knowing that even if I had received a bad report, I am His to do with as He sees fit.  On the flip side it thrills me that He allows me to still be here.  I have been feeling a little better every day, well except today...the A/C went out.  And it makes it hard to move and breath!! To top it all off, we are having a bean dinner tonight, so on the stove is soup beans and I have to go make corn bread in just a minute.  Shoot me with ice right now!!!

I am so thankful for everyone's prayers, I am certain that I would not be here without them.  I can feel God's presence and the peace I feel I know only comes from Him.  I hope those that read my blog understand that I can't do this on my own, it really is all God.  I have days of sadness even when I have good news.  It truly is only with God's help that I make it through every day.  He amazes me!  I love you, Father and I trust You!

#  91


I had a good doctor visit today.  Not that I learned anything new, but it sure feels good to see my doctor at ease and smiling about all my reports.  We went to get some lunch afterwards and I wasn't really in the mood  for chinese so we decided to drive over to the other side of town which we are rarely on.  I am soooo glad we did!  Just as we were ready to quit looking and turn around .... there it was...a THAI FOOD RESTAURANT!!!  It was a beautiful sight to behold!  We had panang for lunch and it was wonderful :))  God has this wonderful way of bringing little things to our attention just for our enjoyment.

I had wonderful family time last week and enjoyed it so much but I have been struggling with a heaviness of spirit.  I don't know quite how to explain it.  It is a weight of everything that I don't know how to put into words.  I wake up some mornings feeling weepy because it is a struggle to get out of bed.  When I'm in bed it is a struggle to lay down without my hip hurting.  It is a struggle to even roll over.  But it is more...I would really like to touch my toes, I would like to play volleyball, have hair...you get the point.  Then the other side...what if God decides to take me home?  Well I know you can clearly understand why this one weighs on me but not in the way you might think.  I trust God's decisions, but I think often about Ben and the kids and yet I don't feel like I am putting it in the right context.  There are so many things going on with me physically that there isn't a moment of the day that it doesn't effect me.  That with the emotional side make it hard to think clearly some days.  I have been very busy lately and that is good, but this heaviness is just there.  It isn't depression, I am so happy and thankful to be here and I love to have a good laugh...it is deeper than that.  This is too hard to explain.  Maybe I am just tired.... LOL!  I'm always tired. :))

I was reading Streams in the Desert on July 7th and was humbled by God's amazing grace. I want to share it with you.  The small problem is that the 8th and 9th  go along with it so I am going to share all three.  :))

July 7th
He made me into a polished arrow. (Isaiah 49:2)

Pebble Beach, on the California coast, has become quite famous for the beautiful pebbles found there.  The raging white surf continually roars, thundering and pounding against the rocks on the shore.  These stones are trapped in the arms of the merciless waves.  They are tossed, rolled, rubbed together, and ground against the sharp edges of the cliffs.  Both day and night, this process of grinding continues relentlessly.  And what is the result?

Tourists from around the world flock there to collect the beautiful round stones.  They display them in cabinets and use them to decorate their homes.  Yet a little farther up the coast, just around the point of the cliff, is a quiet cove.  Protected from the face of the ocean, sheltered from the storms, and always in the sun, the sands are covered with an abundance of pebbles never sought by the travelers.

 So why have these stones been left untouched through all the years?  Simply because they have escaped all the turmoil and the grinding of the waves.  The quietness and peace have left them as they have always been--rough, unpolished and devoid of beauty--for polish is the result of difficulties.


Since God knows what niche we are to fill, let us trust Him to shape us to it.  And since He knows what work we are to do, let us trust Him to grind us so we will be properly prepared.



July 8th

They will soar on wings like eagles. (Isaiah 40:31)

There is a fable about the way birds first got their wings.  The story goes that initially they were made without them.  Then God made the wings, set them down before the wingless birds, and said to them, "Take up these burdens and carry them."

The birds had sweet voices for singing, and lovely feathers that glistened in the sunshine, but they could not soar in the air.  When asked to pick up the burdens that lay at their feet, they hesitated at first.  Yet soon they obeyed, picked up their wings with their beaks, and set them on their shoulders to carry them.

For a short time the load seemed heavy and difficult to bear, but soon, as they continued to carry the burden and to fold the wings over their hearts, the wings grew attached to their little bodies.  They quickly discovered how to use them and were lifted by the wings high into the air.  The weights had become wings.


This is a parable for us.  We are the wingless birds, and our duties and tasks are the wings God uses to lift us up and carry us heavenward.  We look at our burdens and heavy loads, and try to run from them, but if we will carry them and tie them to our hearts, they will become wings.  And on them we can then rise and soar toward God.

There is no burden so heavy that when lifted cheerfully with love in our hearts will not become a blessing to us.  God intends for our tasks to be our helpers; to refuse to bend our shoulders to carry a load is to miss a new opportunity for growth.  J. R. Miller


No matter how overwhelming, any burden God has lovingly placed with His own hands on our shoulders is a blessing.  Frederick William Faber






July 9th

I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.  (Isaiah 48:10)

Doesn't God's Word come to us like a soft rain shower, dispelling the fury of the flames?  Isn't it like fireproof armor, against which the heat is powerless?  Then let afflictions come, for God has chosen me.  Poverty, you may walk through my door, but God is already in my house, and He has chosen me.  Sickness, you may intrude into my life, but I have a cure standing ready--God has chosen me.  Whatever occurs in the valley of tears, I know He has chosen me.

Dear Christian, do not be afraid, for Jesus is with you.  Through all your fiery trials, His presence is both your comfort and safety.  He will never forsake those He has chosen for His own.  "Do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Gen. 26:24) is His unfailing word of promise to His chosen ones who are experiencing "the furnace of affliction."  Charles H. Spurgeon






I read these three and it was like the Holy Spirit poured across my heart and soul...I must go through what He lays upon me, but not alone, He has chosen me and I am His!  The furnace is where I stand with Jesus by my side.  I love you, my Father, my Savior, my King.

#  90

I have had a very busy past couple of weeks and haven't had a chance to blog.  I got some crazy good news  about my MRI.  My brain scan showed no new growth and receding on multiple spots.  Overall a very good report so I asked, "If it has improved, will it continue to improve?"  I got a resounding, "YES!"  Needless to say Ben and I and the rest of my friends and family are just overjoyed!  I know that my God is in control and even if they reported it was worse, it would have been sad, but not scary.  I trust Him with my life. :))  When we got home we had friends come in for the night with their kids.  It was great to catch up with them!  They were both in my teen/college class when I was back in Virginia and to see them married and successful with three beautiful children was such a blessing to me it is almost indescribable!!  We sat out under the deck with a fire going and ate marshmallows then had waffles for breakfast in the morning before they headed back north.  We talked and laughed the whole time...again I love to laugh!! :))

As we drew closer to the weekend I noticed that I wasn't feeling real well.  Like nauseous, not feeling well.  But those that know me know I am going to try to keep going, which I did.  I was having a 31 party on Saturday.  I had a great party and got to sit and chat with two ladies from church that I have wanted to chat with for a long time, it was a wonderful afternoon. :))  But after they left I went to lie down and it wasn't long before I was shivering with a low grade fever!  I called in a prescription and my son went to pick it up Sunday afternoon and found out I could't take it with my chemo, I would have to change antibiotics.  Which meant I would have to wait to see the doctor.  Well the fever went away and Monday night my brother and his wife and four kids showed up at 11:30 pm.  Oh Happy Day!!!  We stayed up till 2am just catching up and laughing it was wonderful!  The next day they went to Gatlinburg for their son's birthday while I went to the doctor.  I got home that afternoon and was running another fever.  I called back to the doc's and they called in another prescription that I could take.  That evening we went to Wednesday night Bible Study and I taught the teens.  The next day we went to the river with a natural sand bar and huge beach, it was perfect!!
The walk in and out was hard for me and by the time I got back to the truck I was absolutely exhausted!  As my brother and his family left the next day I can't even describe the mix of feelings that went through me.  I wish we lived closer, wished for more time, for more strength, for more mobility, and yet I was soooo happy that they came...I was crying.

I went to lay down as soon as they pulled out....I slept all day.  But I had to get up at 4:45 to be ready to leave by 5:15 for a teen bonfire at the church that I was responsible for.  I did a lot of setting up and then decided it was too hot to play outside (101 degrees out!).Soooo, we set up a projector and my husband got his sound equipment and we had a movie theater.  They loved it!  Then it was volleyball while I reff'd and they played till everyone was worn out :)))

Needless to say I barely stayed awake for the church service and I have been napping as often as I can since.  My husband got all over me for not paying attention to my body...so much easier said than done.  I get to doing something then realize after I'm past my tired point, that I went too far.

All that to get to this...I get great news and the emotions that I end up struggling with is the lack of mobility of my leg.  I get tired easy and it is so hard to move, to bend over.  I was showing my mother-in-law yesterday that I can touch my left foot's toes but not my right.  So I can only ever get one sock on at a time.  There are moments when the little things make me so weepy I can't keep it in.  Hearing how sad my siblings feel that I can't get around like I used too.  I have to focus on what I can do or else I would never be able to stop crying.  I told my husband that I was going to look like an old man because my hair is coming in all around but not on top...well, just really slowly on top, almost non-existent.  I have this strange patch on the back of my head that is shaped like a ballerina dancer that grows faster than anywhere else because it didn't get radiated.  It is freaky looking.  Oh well, it's hair.  So I pick myself up by my boot straps and keep on trusting in the one who holds my tomorrow.  He holds my hand and my tears.  I'm so thankful that He loves me because I could not go a day without Him.  I love you, Father and I trust you to know what I can and can't endure.  :))

#  89

I just love how the little things make me soooo happy!!  My in-laws got me a swing for my birthday and I have wanted a swing all my married life.  But I was only ever to have one for about 3 years while we were in  Virginia.  Every other place didn't have a place for a swing so we would settle for benches and our wicker furniture.  Well, Ben hung my swing under our deck and it is awesome!!  He cleaned it all out, brought down the wicker chairs and love seat and made a small fire pit in the middle, just out from under the deck.  It is beautiful!!!  Our bedroom is downstairs so I just walk out the basement door in the morning and sit in my swing and have my Bible study....watching the birds, looking at the mountains, and I'm in the shade so I don't have to wear my hat.  It is just wonderful!!

Speaking of not needing a hat... I was rubbing the back of my head and felt a fuzzy patch... what could this be?!  Yes!!!!  I am starting to get fuzz!!  I am sooo happy!!  Now I just have to be patient while my hair grows back in...it is really hard to be patient!!  I had a follow up appoint with my radiologist today and because I am doing so well he said I can get off of the STEROIDS!!!!!!  WOO!  HOO!!  I am soooooooo thankful!!  And he also prescribed some more physical therapy to help with the fibrous scar tissue in my hip and bottom.  I am so thankful and just relieved.  My oncologist scheduled an MRI for Thursday so I will know next Tuesday what is going on in my brain, but I don't feel worried at all since I haven't had one symptom!  Actually, that is why the doctor isn't worried about me coming off the steroids and he feels really good about me not having had any side effects at all.  It all is looking really good and I just can't help but know that my God is taking care of me in ways I can and can't see.  He amazes me!

And more good news!  I found a jewelry store that repairs jewelry in store and they will repair and size my wedding set for $95!  So I am going to do them one ring at a time.  My diamond ring will cost the most because the prongs holding the diamond have gotten very thin so I am repairing that one first. I am sooo excited to get it done!  They are sizing it too so no more cutting my rings off!!  :))  It has just been a week of good news and I have been overcome with gratitude and feeling so unworthy!

I find that as I am going through everyday life and God keeps moving and blessing, that I just want people to know who He is and how much He loves us and takes care of us.  I so want people to see Christ not me.  I really haven't done anything but go where He has sent me.  I have difficult days and I know I'm no one special and that is what I want people to know.  I just follow His lead, which is what He wants all of us to do.  Follow Him...trust Him...and He will take care of you, He will go with you every step of the way.  Thank-you Father for loving me and reminding me that you love me.  I wear my Irish Claddagh ring on my thumb reminding me that He holds my heart in His hands and He has placed a crown on my head.  On my other thumb I wear a ring that reminds me that there is nothing I can do to earn His love, He loves me unconditionally.  And what is even better, on the inside of the ring I have engraved..."He knows my name".  When I forget and try to earn His love and affection, it reminds me that He knows me by name, He created me to love me,  He is truly the lover of my soul and I love Him!! May I always live in a way that reflects Him!!!

#  88

You know it is hard to convey to the rest of the world how it feels to deal with physical issues everyday.  It is a constant reminder that I am fighting cancer.  And the crazy thing is that it can keep you down if you struggle with focusing on the positive.  My personality type has never been to focus on the sad or negative and I realize that for others it is a real issue.  I wish there was some way to encourage people to focus on what is here and now.  I want to keep my focus on the fact that I am still here and able to be a part of my family's life.  I turned 42 last week and I had one of the ladies at church ask me if I was telling people how old I was.   Really?  I am shouting to people how old I am!!! I am still here and sooo thankful that I am, it is a total joy to be getting older!!  I want gray hair because that means I'm still here!!  Okay, having said all that, it brings me back to my original comment....dealing with physical issues.  I had VBS all last week and we had two teens boys from our youth group at our last church come in to visit unexpectedly.  So I was on my feet all last week with no time to be off my feet at all.  Guess what that meant?  Lymphodema here I come!!  My leg started to swell and it wasn't my hip that was giving my trouble it was my knee!  There was so much fluid on my knee I couldn't stand to sit in the pews!!  The pressure pushing on my thigh when I would sit was almost unbearable!  Soooo....I just got through the program Sunday morning and it was home with me on the couch with my leg propped up and it was staying that way as long as it needed to be.

Dealing with the physical can get so discouraging because I have to have others help me...I need help off the couch because there is so much fluid on my knee that it won't bend to support my weight.  How insane is that?!!  The crazy little physical issues start to pile up and then if i'm not careful...it will get very discouraging. On top of this crazy busy VBS week I had an allergic reaction to one of my chemo's.  I started to break out in a rash on the top of my head.  And the rash was starting to show up on my legs, neck, arms....I was carrying around a back scratcher with me everywhere and if I took my hat off I was red as a beet.  Well, how do you stay positive?  I get to wake up every morning to an ache in my hip, it is usually what wakes me up in the morning.  Not the sun shining into my bedroom, but the ache in my hip.   I have to sleep with a pillow between my knees so the scarred muscles in my hip don't pull to much on that hip and make it impossible to go to sleep in the first place.

As I lay here with my leg propped up since i'm still trying to get that fluid off my knee...I'm trying to convey that if I let myself I could be in tears every day saying "Woe is me..."  or  "why me?".   The emotional battle can be brutal.  I had someone ask me if all the sacrifices I have had to make from the "medication" was worth it.  Again...Really?  I am still here!!!  I shouldn't be!  I have come to realize and accept the fact that God has taken me down this road from chemo, to natural, to both and through it all He has used whatever He has wanted to control what is going on inside of me.  Mostly it has been faith and trust.  I want Him to receive all the glory so I will do whatever He wants me too.  And if that means that I must endure pain every day, than I will!!!  If I get diarrhea, lose all my hair and nails, lymphodema, am covered in a rash from head to foot, then so be it!   Who am I to complain about what God wants me to endure?  And I actually have soooo much to be thankful for even with all of these physical issues that I have to deal with.  There is still sooo much that I CAN do!  So when I get that momentary lapse in positive and I feel like crying I look at my husband, my children, my teens, my church....and remember that this is my path that the Lord has chosen for me.  I can go through this with Him, He hasn't left me and I don't have to be alone.  He truly loves me and wants the best for me and my family and when the pain or inability to move bring me down I have to remind myself He is right here with me...holding my in His hands.  I am His, He is mine.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
 

#  87

I am adapting well to my new chemo pills, thank goodness!!  Now that I realized I can take my five nasty pills at night and sleep through the worst of it!  Funny how things take a moment to sink in....LOL!!  I have been adjusting to taking the three with two meals and the first meal is the worst because I have to take all my other vitamins at the same time.  Okay, let me just explain my routine....I get up and use the bathroom (thanks to Cassie's tea I am regular and need no help from Mira-lax)  then I head upstairs to drink Cassie's tea that I have to give 30 minutes to get into my system before I put anything else into my stomach.  Then I head back downstairs to do a coffee enema because it is designed to clean out the liver...no explanation needed.  Actually I have just been able to start these back up and I truly believe it is because of the tea.  I haven't needed to wear my compression stalkings and I haven't needed to do my exercises every night like I was before.  If I am tired I can just go to bed and not worry about my leg swelling or hurting. That is such a huge answer to prayer!!  I can still feel the joint in my hip not feeling great, like it has arthritis, which it probably does!  But it isn't a struggle against the lymphodema any more.  The scar tissue is still there and hard but it is getting easier to stand and walk, so I keep praying that the Lord will help me get rid of the scar tissue.  He can do anything!

Okay, back to the morning routine and chemo pills.  After I do my enema I, of course am starved, so I have a quick shower then head upstairs for a medium bowl of cereal.  I can't eat a lot because that's when I have to take my 3 chemo pills and about 24 vitamins.  So this is the worst time of day for me.  I feel bloated and slightly sick and then it makes me burp...it is just yucky! This is usually when I take a break and crash on the couch.  After dozing off and sleeping the worst of the feeling away I wake up and can go about my day feeling pretty good!  Now I still make sure I have an afternoon dose of Cassie's tea and wait 30 minutes before I eat lunch.  Even after lunch and 3 more chemo pills I still feel good and can go through the rest of my evening feeling normal.  I usually don't eat dinner because lunch is usually later because breakfast is usually later.  So for dinner I have a cup of Cassie's tea then wait till I am ready to turn the bedroom light off and take my last 5 chemo pills.  But if I did eat in the evening, I would have to wait 2 hours after eating to drink the tea then 30 minutes before I could take my chemo.  My whole day is thinking about the next dose of whatever!!  Some days I have to carry little doses of tea with me...it is crazy!  But it is helping so I can't complain :))

On the emotional and spiritual side...I have felt a peace that has truly passed all understanding.  I don't feel worried and I have just been amazed at how the Father has revealed Himself in so many ways during my Bible study time!!  I'm so thankful that I can trust Him!  I wanted to share a devotional that I read on May 20th from "Streams in the Desert"

John 18:11  -  Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?

     God is a thousand times more meticulous with us than even an artist is with his canvas.  Using many brush strokes of sorrow, and circumstances of various colors, He paints us into the highest and best image He visualizes, if we will only receive His bitter gifts of myrrh in the right spirit.
     Yet when our cup of sorrows is taken away and the lessons in it are suppressed or go unheeded, we do more damage to our soul than could ever be repaired.  No human heart can imagine the incomparable love God expresses in His gift of myrrh.  However, this great gift that our soul should receive is allowed to pass by us because of our sleepy indifference, and ultimately nothing comes of it.
     Then in our barrenness we come and complain, saying, "O LORD, I feel so dry, and there is so much darkness within me!"  My advice to you, dear child, is to open your heart to the pain and suffering, and it will accomplish more good than being full of emotion and sincerity.   Tauler




You can see why I liked this devotional...even the verse hit me.  I am so thankful that He sees the picture He is painting of me.  He is making a beautiful masterpiece and who am I not to drink of the cup He has given me. I've always said I was willing, and what I and my family have learned I wouldn't trade for anything in this world!  I was talking to my sister today and discussing again the inability to run, go on hikes, play volleyball, etc.  And she apologized for it even coming up because she didn't want to depress me and I told her it was okay.  I am still here and for whatever reason I will have to sacrifice if I am to stay here.  So I have negative, but there is an awful lot of positive!  If God lets me stay, I can see my children get married, grandchildren....that would be soooooo awesome!! There is a lot of positive to think about without really even needing to focus on what I can't do.  There is a lot that I can do!  Thank-you, Father!!  I truly want others to see that even though I still have this cancer, He has never left me alone!  I have never had to go through one step without Him.  People need to know that, that they don't have to be alone....ever!  Ben can't be with me 24/7.  He tries...LOL!  But only God can, and He HAS!! There are nights when I hide my crying but God is there to catch every tear, there are mornings when the joy is so overwhelming that the tears come harder than the night before, and my Father catches everyone!  There are days when I just am happy to be here and He is with me still.  Thank-you Father, Your love is indescribable and I love you and trust YOU!!

#  86

In the middle of Bible Study tonight I had a WOW moment.  I'm not sure what made me think about it, but I just realized that I have Breast Cancer that has gone to my lymph nodes, to my bone, to my marrow, to my brain, to my liver and even a little fluid in my lungs.  On top of that I have developed lymphodema from the radiation to  my right hip.  I am still here!  Does this seem incredible to anyone else?  It makes me weepy when I think of all that God has brought me through.  At one point we were discussing my death because a tumor had wrapped around my C2 vertebrae and we weren't sure I would make it through the week!  Then a year later I'm on my death bed, nothing but skin and bones again discussing funeral arrangements.  Now here I am, brain radiated to stop that growth, all other cancer spots are receding and it is trying to grow in my liver.  I am getting the strong feeling that the devil is really fighting to get rid of me!  Nice to know that God is still in control of what goes on in my body.

I feel like the Cassie's tea is really helping, but we will see.  And not just that, I still feel very strongly that God wants me to stick around for a while.  First, the tumor in my neck was taken care of so miraculously it was obvious it was God.  Second, the raised tumor marker numbers when it went to my marrow...after one treatment of chemo I was like a new person.  Thirdly, it goes to my brain and I show no symptoms...ever!  Then my numbers start to rise again and it shows up in my liver and I still feel good and show no signs that my numbers are up!!  It's like watching a live battle between God and Satan and with every feeble attempt the devil makes God chuckles and says, "Don't worry, sweetheart, I got you covered."  I love it!!  God has taken care of me every step of the way and He does it in such a way that only He can receive the glory!!  I'm soooo thankful!!  I said a while ago that God can cure me with whatever He wants; chemo, naturally, an instant miracle, however He wants so I trust Him.  And I love seeing Him use all these different ways to do it.  I was so ready to do whatever the doctor said, then when he started to work against me, I went totally natural.  Both worked for me.  And now I am having to combine the two but the difference is that I have a doctor who cares for me and prays for me and lets me do both.  I totally know God brought us to East Tennessee for me to have the doctor that I have right now.  He has taken care of every need that I have had... the doctor, and most importantly God.  He as allowed me to work with the teens which is something that just burdens my heart and I'm so thankful He opened that door.  I find trusting Him gets easier every day as He opens my doors for me to walk through and all I want to do is share with others what He has done for me.  I hope I can do it in such a way that will bring glory to His name.  He is worthy of all glory and praise!!

#  85

I started my new chemo on Friday, it is all pills and it is everyday.  I have to take 5 in the morning on an empty stomach than wait an hour before I can eat and once I eat then I can take 3 more.  After lunch I take 3 more.  It is making my sick to my stomach and giving my diarrhea.  I just realized this afternoon that I could wait to take the 5 at night so I won't have to deal with all the pills through the day and be sick all morning.  So tomorrow I am going to take the five at night and just do the three during meal times for breakfast and lunch.  I'm hoping it will help, but we will see. I really don't want to go back to feeling bad all day long.  The discouraging part is that I have to do this everyday.  At least when I was taking the liquid chemo it was once a week and I only felt bad that one day, now I am fighting it every day.  It is making my daily routine difficult and ironically enough it has made me a little more emotional.  Of course if I don't feel good I get weepy very easily so any time Ben said anything to me, how much he loved me, that he would take care of me...yeah, I was weepy.  But he is helping me through every moment of every day, especially now that he can see it has made me feel nauseous and tired.  He truly is an answer to prayer!  I love him sooo much!!

I had such a great past couple of days!!  I just wanted to share, on Thursday and Friday my sister and her best friend came in for an overnight visit.  It was one long laugh!  I so needed that and wished that my other sister could have joined us. I'm actually really excited about June cause I will get brother time with him and his whole family!!  But that is for later....on Saturday we had a teen bonfire and game night.  It was soooo much fun!  I had five foxtails (a leather tennis ball with a nylon tail that you throw like a David and Goliath sling shot)  footballs, volleyballs, frisbees, and plans to play capture the flag once it got dark.  It turned out awesome with 36 there and everyone played and had fun and was sore the next morning!!  :))  The next day was Mother's Day so we went to my in-laws and grilled out, I wasn't feeling real well, thanks to the chemo pills but still had a good time.  Then after a nap the kids and I went to see the Avengers.  We had sooo much fun!  I was truly so thankful that I was able to do all I did.  And to top off a great weekend I went tonight to watch my youngest perform in his choir.  He had five solos and did so well, I was sooo proud!  I made two coconut cream pies for the bbq they had before the performance and my in-laws got to come and watch.  It was just a great night and I couldn't help but thank the Father for giving me the ability to be able to  do so much.  I haven't felt great, but I have been able to do, and that is all I want.  God allows me to be here and I am sooo thankful for the chance just to have today!  It sounds so simple but it just isn't.  Emotionally it is very difficult and very hard to put into words.  There are so many compromises, things that you have to be okay with giving up because that is what God wants you to surrender. And if it is what He wants you to surrender, then you give it up.  I don't have hair, my nails are rough and some even missing, I can't use my right leg like normal, sleep is hard to come by, etc.  But I'm still here and I want to tell people about my God who loves me and thinks I'm beautiful.  He lets me stay and I want to tell others about Him.  I'm okay with that.  :)

#  84


Well I found out the results of my PET scan yesterday.  Talk about a mix of emotions!  We had good news and bad news.  The good news was that all the cancer has receded, the cancer in my bones and lymph nodes.  So Ben and I just sat there waiting for the other shoe to drop and it did. It is now in my liver.  Not a mass just activity.  When they do a PET they give you radioactive isotopes that go to where there is the most activity.  So they could see activity in my liver but not in one mass just little hot spots.  I also have some fluid in my lungs.  Not a lot and the Doc is not sure why....he wasn't worried, but it just begs to question.

So how do I feel?  I'm not even sure how I feel.  It has been such a roller coaster ride that I'm not even sure how to explain what is going on inside.  Neither Ben nor I were emotional when we got the news and we knew it would not be good because my numbers were up.  We were actually surprised that we were getting good news at all and we were kinda in a little bit of shock listening as he explained how good this was that my body was responding so well.  Ben and I just waited.  We knew it was growing somewhere...the liver.  Okay.  How do I feel about that?  ..... Okay, the first thing I thought of was a dear friend back in VA who found out that her liver was covered in tumors and she turned bright yellow before she died.  No, that is not what I want to dwell on right now.  I look at Ben and he is calm and I am feeling pretty calm myself.  I can't help but feel like we have been down this road before and God has always been with us.  I didn't feel like I was free falling this time like when I found out it had gone to my brain.  I felt like I was wrapped in a cocoon of prayer.  Having the cancer in my liver could be the end of me.....but I could say that about every stage I've been through.  So I head out with a new chemo regime laid out for me and a steady dose of Cassie's Tea.  I start making phone calls to my siblings and you know this is the part I hate.  Even though there is good news it is sprinkled with bad, I hate that!  Can't I just give good news?  I'm looking forward to that day, when it is just good news with no bad!

I find when I end up telling people I end up apologizing for the bad news.  It makes my brother irritated that I apologize, but it just comes out.  I hate being the bearer of bad news, but this is something that I can't control.  But I find that I am at peace this time.  I can't help but trust in a Father who has brought me from the brink of death almost more times than I can count.  My first diagnosis, then back in my bones, then the mass wrapped around my C2 vertebrae, then in my bone marrow with numbers in the 800's, then in my brain, now in my liver.  I sit in my Father's hands and I'm very thankful that it is His hands that hold me.  I have no control over what is going on but praise God, He knows what tomorrow holds and He holds me.
So I feel okay.  I feel like God is still in control and that is all I need to feel.  I'm here today and I'm going to live every day that I am here.  :)

#  83

I really hate the in between waiting period while you wait for test results.  I was supposed to get a PET scan last Thursday but they couldn't get me in till this week so it delayed everything even my new chemo cocktail.  So I just did my normal Herceptin and went home.  It makes me sleepy because they give me Benedrill(sp?).  But here I am waiting to find out what is going on inside to make my numbers 220.  There are times when I'm lying in bed that my thoughts want to wander and doubt wants to creep in and discourage me.  If I let myself linger on the possibility that I could be taking my final turn for the worse, I get overwhelmed.  I try not to get weepy because it really doesn't matter, I know who holds my future, and there is no reason to cry until I know what is really going on inside.  It is funny to think about dying...for me it is such a mixed bag of emotions.  Dying means freedom for me.  I would be free from pain, and the constant mental battle of fighting this cancer and I could go home!  Then I think of those left behind and that is when the tears come.  I'm not sure how to ever deal with this side of it.  I know God will take care of those left behind, I know how He helped me after dad died of a sudden heart attack, but that was excruciating!  I hate thinking of my family going through that!  But I don't even want to think about all of this until I know what God has in store for me.  Here is the craziness, I still feel like He has laid out all these plans for me this year.  There are so many things that are going on and I am supposed to be a part of it.  So on those days when the doubts crowd my thoughts, I realize He made plans for me today and I am going to do them today.  No need to let the devil get a foothold in my thoughts, he has no place there.  I have a Father who loves me dearly and only wants the best for me, sooooo I am enjoying today!

#  82

I went in for a regular treatment today and found out that my tumor marker numbers are on the rise again.  When they found out that my numbers were rising they ran some scans and found out it had gone to my brain and several lymph nodes in my abdomen.  Of course the focus was on my brain first so they radiated for three weeks while we put off the chemo.  When radiation was done they started me on a new chemo and for six weeks we tried a new chemo....to no avail.  My numbers have continued to climb from the 100's to 200's.  When I was at my worst I was in the 800's.

It is hard to describe how I feel after so many times of hearing bad news.  I think the doctor was expecting some tears or maybe surprise.  But we have been here before and we are still holding the hand of the one who made us.  Ironically it has a tendency to be more of a tired feeling than anything.  The battle with this cancer has been physically challenging but it has been much more of a mental battle than it's ever been physical.  I don't want to feel tired, I know that is something the devil would like for me to feel, he would love for me to just slow down.  But I am in God's hands, not just living in today with a little prayer here and there to Him. I am actually in His hands.  If I thought that He didn't know what the results were today than I have no relationship with Him at all.  I have learned to trust Him even in the darkest of moments and honestly we have been in some very dark places.  The dark of this news is that when cancer goes to the soft tissue, it can be very bad.  But the God who created me knows all this...and I trust Him.

What has a tendency to almost haunt me is sharing with my family.  Telling my siblings one more time that things aren't going well but have made another turn south... I hate sharing that kind of news.  The look in my kids eyes just when they were feeling safe.  I don't want them to be angry with God or to ever feel He doesn't know best.  It could get worse before it gets better, or it could just get worse.  I trust Him, so we will just wait and see.  The one that makes me the most emotional is my other half.  He is so attentive to all my needs and today when we hear again bad news, he has not left my side.  I find so many reasons why I want God to be merciful, and the one that makes me ache is my other half.  I just know how he is and how we complete each other.  Even saying this I feel selfish, how many have lost their spouses?  Who am i to want to stay when others have lost so much?  Okay, if I expand my wants to my children, it is almost overwhelming.  Then I think of my brother, we are very close and talk almost everyday.  In a small nutshell there is family history and I'm the only one that communicates with him.  It makes me very emotional to think about dying and him losing his sister.  I find myself praying for mercy and grace on so many levels.  Funny, it is not death I fear, I find that I think about how me not being here effects those left behind.

Father, I trust you, and I know that you know what is best, so I have to trust that if I stay or go that you will take care of those I love because you have taken care of me.  You do what is best for those you love, i'm so  thankful!  So I give my family to You, they are Yours anyway, I just have to let go.  So I let go...  And if you allow me to stay, I thank-You!!   And until my dying breath I will praise Your name!!

# 81

I'm so thankful that I feel as good as I do. But there are still moments when the emotions of where I struggle physically get me down. I was a big hiker and we would go every Friday and sometimes multiple times through the week. I miss being able to just get out and go. My son went on an all day hike with his girlfriend and I didn't realize how it would effect me. They came in late, (the van broke down) and they smelled of fresh air and were sun burnt. All those memories of hiking in MO and hiking in Dickson....it just made me cry. I didn't mean too, but it just all came out. Then I felt horrible because my husband has to pick up my emotional pieces. I would love to be able to move like I used to and not have to deal with this scar tissue and lymphodema, but I do. And most importantly, which is what I said through my tears, I am still here. That is truly the most important thing. I'm still here. God let's me enjoy today, so I am enjoying today and it has been a really good day! Ben made breakfast and invited friends over to share and we had just a wonderful morning sharing and laughing and eating and even running some errands. The windows and doors are open and it feels about 65-70 degrees outside. It has just been a wonderful day! And God let me enjoy it, today. I love how He takes care of me and doesn't just provide needs but wants as well. It is overwhelming how He loves us and we take advantage soooo often. God forgive us for our arrogance in not appreciating that He is the one who gives us every moment of every day.

I was at church a couple of weeks ago and feeling particularly unworthy when after church a dear friend came up and shared something that stopped me in my tracks. People are praying for me. No revelation there...then he said, "people are praying that might never pray for anything else." Then it hit me! He said, "Robin, they are talking to God everyday, because of you." I burst into tears. I just want to please Him and then He reminds me that He is using me how He wants and I need to stay willing. Ok...I'm willing. My road isn't easy, but He is with me and I don't have to do it alone. Thank-you, Father!!

# 80

I sometimes don't know how to put into words what I'm feeling so it takes me a while before I get on line and decide to blog. There are so many things that I deal with on a physical level then how it effects you emotionally and spiritually is something else all together. I will try to explain physically what is going on right now, then get into the emotional and spiritual side later.

I still have no side effects from the cancer in my brain as I previously mentioned in my last post. So what I have to deal with is literally how the steroids have effected my body. I mentioned that as well. So I have to deal with this lingering swelling that is around my face and neck, which you can see and feel, but then I have fluid around my abdomen. Not like you can see it, just looks like weight gain, but it makes it hard to breath. I've been overweight before, not the same. So there are times I just get out of breath. But the one thing that is just the most frustrating is the scar tissue in my hip, bottom, and back. It just makes walking uncomfortable but I know the walking is good to help keep it loosened up. So I will try to walk as much as I can (while having a hard time breathing) and use the steps as well. But as I stand, it gets uncomfortable like I have cardboard under my skin and it will almost feel like it is burning. So I will try to shift from foot to foot and arch my back a little. Now imagine....standing for 45 min while singing in the choir? I was so happy to sing! But I was ready to fall over when it was done!!

Dealing with the physical everyday can be distracting, but as I wake up and realize I am here to deal with it...I can't complain. I am here. That is it isn't it? I am here. Yes, I had a moment again of overwhelming gratitude. I have this wonderful family that loves me and supports me in ways I don't even know how to explain and I just can't thank God enough for it. I go through the "why's" a lot of times at night when it is just me and God, then in the morning when it's just me and Him again. I know He wants me to be willing and I am. And as I look at my life I can't comprehend how it effects others but I know He sees the whole picture I just see my portion. So I give Him all I have and cry at how He loves me and gives me the morning and I look at my family and thank Him for giving me today with them. I don't have to be here, that is soooo very clear! I should have died so many times over, but He chose to keep me here! I live and breath because He wants me too....and you know what? We go through this life thinking that we will have the next 20, 30, 40 years...but that is only if God wants you to have today, or tomorrow. Just because you don't cancer doesn't mean you shouldn't be thankful for today. A drunk driver could take you home on your way from work. We don't think like that, but because I have cancer everyone looks at me like I'm on borrowed time. I'm on GOD's time! And so are you....

I had a wonderful morning just me and my Father. I cried on His shoulder with overwhelming gratitude that He loves me and died for me and lives for me and cares for me and has given me today. He as given you today as well :)

# 79

I went in today to find out about my MRI while doing a chemo treatment. So funny how it all came about....I did my labs and then went and did my chemo then I was to go visit the doctor and discuss my MRI results. Well, I got done with chemo and went back over to see him and he walks in with a clip board with just a post it on it with my name. Ben and I rolled laughing! Okay, not much to report I guess? The doctor just laughed and said it was just to let him know who was in here everything was on the computer. So he said the only thing he wanted to discuss was how I was doing on my Gemzar. He said I was breezing through the treatments so I can do 3 on and 1 off, meaning weeks of treatments instead of 2wks on and 1wk off. My body is responding well and I feel really good. So that was really good news! Then he was going to let me go....we were like....uhhhh ...the MRI? It was so funny! So he went to the computer and pulled it up and read it and said there was no change. No growth and where it showed the hemorrhage they said you could see it but it was obvious that it was old blood and not anything new. He was so relaxed and not worried explaining all this that we were relaxed as well and laughing. He said that the radiation would continue to work and that there could definitely be more shrinkage. He was very glad I still had no symptoms and was relieved to see how well I was doing and feeling.

I am just amazed at how God works. It is in His time, in His way and I love to see how He moves. I know I am here because He wants me here. How should I respond to that? With a joy that is indescribable! I am in His hands and He loves me and cares for me in ways that are beyond my comprehension, just like today! I go in not knowing what exactly to expect just knowing that it will be okay. Then we talk to the doctor and God is there. The doctor is not worried and my body is responding well to the treatments and there is no new growth in my brain. Sounds like God's hands are all over it :))

I get to wake up tomorrow knowing once again that I am in the hands of my Father, My Creator, My Sustainer, My Savior, the Lover of my Soul! And He still wants me here :))

# 78

I just got done with an MRI on my head to see if the radiation did it's job....What do I say to this? I feel so good and with no side effects it is hard to imagine something wrong. To add to that, I am just amazed at how my year is being scheduled out for me. It is just incredible to see God move in my future knowing that I am fighting cancer and He has these plans for me to prosper me and bless me. :) There is truly a Hope that does not disappoint and a Peace that passes all understanding. I awoke Friday morning with not a fear or worry and the presence of my Father so tangible it felt like a blanket, prayers covering me and the unwavering strength and support of my husband. It is hard to put into words how I feel when I know that it is in the hands of the Father whether I stay here or go. I truly believe I am going to make it through this for reasons I don't know how to explain. There comes a point where faith and trust come together and I truly am amazed at how it makes me feel to know that I can trust my Father and believe that He truly has my best interest at heart. I'm so thankful for how He loves me and takes care of me. Every morning I wake up to His beautiful creation and share in His day. How do I fear the one who holds my heart in His hands? He is the lover of my soul and I have nothing to fear! :)

I will find out on Tuesday what the results are on my MRI and I am hoping I will be able to give up the last steroid I have to take and will be able to drive again. That would be wonderful! So I am just going to wait and enjoy hearing the good news on Tuesday :))

# 77

I had a really busy and fun weekend. I went to the church Friday night for a ladies Bunco, which is just a food and game night. It was soooo much fun!! We laughed ourselves silly and shared some of the craziest stories!! It was really nice to get out with my daughter and laugh together and share as a lady, not mom, a wife, a teen director, a cancer patient, .....just me. I really enjoyed it. Then Saturday night we took the teens to another church where some FWBBC students planned a game night and pizza. They seemed to have a really good time and we had a good turnout. It was fun :) And Saturday morning my sister and her family were passing through on their vacation and they stopped in for breakfast. I made some eggs and bacon, with some blueberry pancakes. It was a really good morning and her kids are growing up sooo fast! Then off to Sunday School where our Bunco ladies had made an old man gift basket for my husbands Birthday. We made black flowers for the basket and filled it full of denture creme, stool softeners, a cane, corn pads, hemorrhoid creme, prunes, apple sauce, man diapers, bengay, etc....It was soooo funny!! We just hooted and so did he till he was coughing!! I got to enjoy two wonderful services and after not being able to go last week this was just wonderful! I am sooo tired as soon as I get done I am crashing!!

I wanted to let you know just briefly, after posting my last blog, I wanted to share that if you decide to order the Caisse's Tea from Natural Heritage Enterprises and you call it in and tell them that you heard about the tea from me they will send me two thank-you packets of the tea. Then when you tell anyone about it and tell them to reference you, you will get free packets of the tea as well. I'm impressed with them, they are small and only sell Caisse's Tea and they care about their customers...it is a nice change. ;)

Anywho on to other things, I am setting up a time to see what is really going on with my left implant. If it was me i'd be saying that there doesn't appear to be a leak, but truly in this instance it is better to be safe than sorry. I called my doctor in Nashville who did the surgery and found out that they are silicone!! We specifically asked for saline because of me fighting cancer...what if it ruptured? I'm already fighting cancer, why would I run the risk of cancer somewhere esle with nasty silicone in my body?! Needless to say I was right angry to find out he put silicone implants in me!!! The issue is that I don't need silicone in my body right now, the other is that if I have to have surgery? I have to be off of chemo for like 4wks before I can have surgery!! Then I have to wait to heal before I can start back on chemo. I am feeling frustrated, then I have to step back and realize God knew this was going to happen and maybe he wanted me to hold off on my chemo so the tea would have time to work. I have no clue! I'm just frustrated that it isn't saline...

They are trying to schedule and MRI so I should know something soon about the spots in my brain. Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was no sign of my cancer?!!!!! I don't even know what to say to that.....But I trust Him. That is truly all I need to say. So I am going to sit back and watch how everything unfolds. It's nice to be able to do that. :)

# 76

I'm sitting here on my couch looking out my open window listening to the birds while I write in my prayer journal wondering once again....why me? It hits me sometimes like a Mack truck! My kids are all out of the house, two working and one in school and my husband is golfing with his dad. I had a really good Bible study and started writing to my Father in my journal when I just felt overwhelmed with gratitude. I'm here. I'm really here and living and feeling better each day as I open my windows and let God's creation waft over me. It has been the most beautiful weather these last two weeks and it is like healing waters on my soul! He has let me have another day with Him and my family! How gracious is our God?!

As I came home last night from Wednesday night Bible Study I was sitting on our couch going over my calender of upcoming events for the teens and our family. I was overwhelmed again at everything that is coming up that I could not control but I am in charge of making happen and coordinating. It was making me cry because it was like God was saying, "yes, these are the plans I have for you.... and you'll be here to do it and I'll be with you." I can't help but fall on my face before Him and praise His name!! Who am I? Who is anyone? As I write my prayers down this morning I find myself feeling very unworthy. I'm no one special, then He gently reminds me ...yes I am. In His eyes I am so special! Here come the tears again.... We all are JUST THAT SPECIAL in His eyes!! Why is it so hard to believe? I guess we would live so differently if we had that kind of confidence and security all the time. We would just be so bold and strong but the devil will do whatever he can to make us feel worthless. I was struggling with that this morning and wondered what brought on those old memories and the overwhelming feelings of past guilt and shame. The devil loves to bring up forgiven sins and try to get us to dwell on them, but guess what, Satan? The have been tossed into the sea of forgetfulness!! HA!! I am forgiven and precious in the eyes of my Father, the Lover of My Soul!!!! (happy tears now!!)

Now that I have shared a little of my soul pondering' s this morning, I want to share a little good news physically. I have been hesitant to share with everyone about a natural tea that my father-in-law discovered right before I found out the cancer had gone to my brain because I didn't want to promote something without knowing it it would really help or not. It is an herbal tea that an Indian tribe in Canada have been using for hundreds of years and their people have never developed cancer. A nurse in Canada came across this phenomenon and did some research and discovered that it truly would cure cancer. Long and short of it, the Canadian govt wouldn't let it out so she made it herself and kept herself in the poor house giving it away. She sent it to Boston where they tested it on AIDS patients and of the 127 patients they had at the time they only let the doctor use it on five. The five lived and the 122 others died. Needless to say the US wouldn't let it out either even with documented proof, it couldn't be patented, it is just 4 herbs you can get in your back yard. The tea is named after the nurse who discovered it from the tribe of Indians and her name is Rene Caisse. Some places call it Essiac Tea, which is Rene's name spelled backward. You can look it up and read all the facts about it and it is sad to see how much the govt tries to hide things like this. I bought a bottle from Earth Fare and started drinking it the day I started radiation. You only need to drink 2tbls a day. If you are fighting cancer you can up the dose so I drink 6 tbls a day. Two in the morning, two in the afternoon and two at night. I immediately ordered the packets and brew it myself now, since that is the much cheaper way to order it. I order it from Natural Heritage Enterprises. But this is what I want to share...

A lady at church drank 3 tbls a day and within 2 wks her carpal tunnel in her foot was gone. She had struggled for years and was even using my magnets to relieve her pain and 2 wks later it was gone. Another lady struggled with arthritis in her left foot so bad she had been wearing an ankle brace for the past twelve years. She called me into her SS room just beaming and told me she took off her brace and went hiking with her husband for the first time in years! They are both in their 50's and they just drink a tablespoon a day.

So on to me...when I started drinking I had just gone from no steroids to four a day and radiation. But immediately I noticed my bowels started functionally normally, I had energy, I was sleeping better and the pain in my hip, the radiated one that makes it hard to sleep, was gone. Well, then the steroids kicked in and everything swelled and the scar tissue in that hip was becoming unbearable! But now that the radiation is done and the steroids are down to one a day? My scar tissue is not just getting soft again, but the swelling in my leg is going down. This is hugely significant!! My lymphodema swelling hasn't gone down any in all my physical therapy! I've just been maintaining it and keeping in from swelling down my leg!! I marvel every night as I do my exercises and look at my leg...it is looking a lot like my other leg...lol! maybe I'll be able to toss those compression stockings out the window soon! Oh, my eyes have stopped tearing so I can actually wear makeup again! And that hip is feeling more agility and movement everyday! I am so anxious for my next scans to see what is really going on with my cancer that I can't hardly wait!! For whatever reason God introduced this tea to me in His time, so if He decides to use it to cure this cancer I will praise Him for it, if He uses the chemo and radiation? I will praise Him for it, if He uses nothing but Himself I will praise Him, if He takes me home...I will praise HIM! Our God is worthy of Praise!

# 75

I had something very unusual happen this weekend. I was lying on the couch still lifeless with my sinus infection and I felt a sharp pain in my left shoulder. It was right there at my port site so I felt my port and it wasn't my port but above and behind it. I was trying to understand what I was feeling because it wasn't like a muscle pain if felt like a hot string under my skin. I rubbed it and it went away but it was strong enough that it woke me up. I told Ben about it and we both didn't know what to think except to just mention it at my next appointment. So we went to bed and thought nothing more about it till I got out of the shower the next morning. I apologize for the sensitive nature of what I am about to say, but everyone understands what I have been through and what surgeries I've had and why. I noticed in the shower that my left breast implant was misshapen. Then I realized the pain I must have felt was something releasing or breaking loose. Great, just what I need! I just laughed hard then started coughing!!

I went to do treatments today and was going to see my Doc because of my sinus infection so he did an exam as well and we all just looked at the misshapen implant ......"Where did you have this done?"

Nashville...

Oh, great....

Yeah, that is so how we were feeling, Nashville?! If I have to have something reattached it is still a surgery and still a trip to Nashville. Ugh! So He scheduled an ultrasound to make sure it isn't leaking and then when I find out I'm giving my doc in Nashville a call to see what I need to do. You have to laugh or cry! I'm laughing!! My list of physical defects is growing! I'm so thankful that being a woman doesn't have anything to do with the shell i'm living in!

I have a Father that loves me and thinks i'm BEAUTIFUL! Bald, almost no toenails left, chubby, misshapen and fake breasts, no ovaries, half fingernails, misshapen right leg and thigh, no eyebrows, .....it seems like the list keeps going and it doesn't matter. He thinks i'm beautiful! He sees me...just me from the inside where all the outside just doesn't matter.......that makes me smile. I love how He loves me and lets me know that He loves me.

So I'll let everyone know how this is going to turn out. If my implant is leaking or if it has broken loose somehow and what i'm going to have to do. But what ever happens it will be fine and we'll get it taken of. In the scheme of things this is very minor. Thank goodness!! I like small with all the "big" we've had lately!! whew!!

# 74

It has been a little while since I blogged. I have been just a tad busy with the weekend activity, Sunday's are very full and we had some other things going on as well. My youngest had a school choir concert and it was scheduled during my father-in-law's birthday cookout. I didn't want him to have a concert and no one see it so I had just planned on having Allen drive me with his nice new permit, then all could stay at the cookout and just he and I would have to leave. But that would be too easy!! He forgot his permit so my oldest son had to drive us and he couldn't leave his girlfriend....or his cousin....yeah, a car load took us and it was right in the middle of the cookout. Ha! Ha! Nothing ever goes quite as planned, but I am so glad I went! I watched a Dobson video about 15-18 yrs ago on some teen topic and in it he mentioned that he always made sure that the kids knew how important they were and that they came first. I don't even remember what the video was on, but it always impacted me from that point on...to the point that as I was standing there listening to everyone tell me to just let my oldest drop him off and sing and then go pick him up and me stay there and eat with them...I just couldn't. I wanted him to know that he meant more to me than just eating with the family, and I am sooo glad I did!! I was sitting on the front row and the ladies left just the guys ensemble as they asked all the moms to come to the front of the stage. Then they serenaded all the mom's with MY GIRL. Allen sang right to me, it was such a sweet moment that I would have missed! He even had a solo that he performed perfectly! I was sooo proud and thanking God as we left that I had made the right choice. Funny thing as we were standing in the kitchen and everyone was trying to talk me into staying, the look on Al's face made me think of that video so long ago...I knew I had to go. He didn't even tell me I needed to be there because it was supposed to be a surprise...well it was! I teared up and made him hug me and when I did all the other mom's did as well. It was a great memory I will treasure!!

On the flip side I get and unexpected phone call from my mom asking what I am doing Monday and Tuesday of this past week....of course this is sounding like I might be getting a surprise visit. That is exactly what it was!! Apparently Cecil is on spring break this week and it was the perfect time to come up for a visit since we don't have anything major going on right now it was a good time for us as well! We had three wonderful days together! The weather was just perfect so we had the doors and windows open so she could see the mountains and hear the birds as we sat talking and reminiscing. It was great to share some things she forgot like her mother's handkerchief's that Grandma passed on to me. Because of chemo and my leaky eyes I use grandma's hankies every day so I got to share that with her and show her again all of the ones she left. Then I pulled out the scarves she left me. It brought back good memories for both. It was really nice to just sit and talk...ask family history questions..catching up.

The next day she took me to my treatment and got to meet my doctor and nurses. I'm thankful she can now put a face to names because they are such a godly, awesome group of ladies. I find that I pray for them and have a bond to them that almost goes beyond words. I can go in at any time and know that they are there for me and they pray for me as well. It's amazing! Now mom has seen them and can put faces to names...that's nice.

I had a chance to make some chicken and dumplin's for Cecil and mom and of course I'm all about country cookin' so I pulled out some leftover soup beans, corn bread and potato salad then added some onions and some homemade lemon pie and coconut cream pie. I think all were happy :)) It was such an enjoyable visit! They went to church with us Wednesday night and got to see where we worship. Just the location of our church is beautiful...it is high on a hill where one side looks out over rolling farm country and the other side is nothing but mountains, it is BEAUTIFUL!!!! I'm glad they got to see it.

Parting was tearful, but maybe we can make a visit to Texas and visit them ! :))

After they left, my body just couldn't fight off the sinus gunk any longer. I'm sure the the chemo treatment probably contributed to that factor and then I just couldn't leave the windows shut. So I have been totally down for the count with all this sinus gunk...it has just been crazy! But I can tell you that I am starting to look normal again. I'm so thankful! Even being able to breathe?! I was so struggling with breathing because of the excess fluid in my abdomen and to be able to breathe easier is just such a relief!! So to have my cheeks actually now convex and not concave? It makes me relieved and now I can breathe easier :))

I go in Tuesday for my next treatment and I probably won't be able to take it because my white blood cell count will more than likely be down from fighting the sinus gunk. So we'll see and say some prayers, God knows what He is doing...I'm just along for the ride. :)