#  95

I received some more bad news today.  It is funny how time seems to stand still for just a minute as you process what was said.  My PET showed that I have a slight increase of activity in my liver and in a couple lymph nodes in my belly.  The doc was not happy and so I will probably have to change chemo's again next week.  Even though it was "slight" he doesn't want any growth at all and neither do I.

Ben and I were actually very calm and talked of the next chemo that I will need to take and discussed our plans from here.  The doctor walked out and I looked at Ben and asked if he was okay, and just started crying.  I know who holds my hand or better yet holds me in His hands but it is hard to ride this roller coaster.  I have no fear of dying and thinking of Heaven is exciting to me but, when I think of the Lord taking me home now not later....I just think of my family and I almost can't breath.  Then I get mad at myself for getting emotional because He has brought me through soooo much!  If He wanted to take me home I have had so many close calls!!  So then I go back and read and remind myself of His promises.  He is here with me....thank-you, Father!  I can't do this without Him...it is much to hard.  Some nights I ask God why, or how much longer?  But I can't ask that anymore I have to ask for strength and know that even though I don't want to go through it any more, He is still allowing me to go through it, so I will endure.  If He didn't give me His strength every day, I just wouldn't be here.

So I'm looking at the list of side effects of the new chemo and I start crying and just say, I can do this Father, because You are with me and give me strength, I'm holding on for dear life Lord, because I trust You....I love You, Father!!

I'm reminded of the song I sang Sunday morning by Twila Paris, it has become a personal testimony and I can hear the Lord's gentle whisper reminding me of its words....

Hard as it seems, standing in dreams
Where is the dreamer now
Wonder if I wanted to try,
Would I remember how
I don't know the way to go from here
But I know that I have made my choice
This is where I stand, until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice

This is the faith, patience to wait
When there is nothing clear
Nothing to see, still we believe
Jesus is very near
I cannot imagine what may come
But I've already made my choice
This is where I stand, until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice

Could it be that He was only waiting there to see,
If I will learn to love the dreams that He has dreamed for me

Can't imagine what the future holds
But I've already made my choice
This is where I stand, until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice

Thank-You Father, I do trust You.