# 57

So.....God has a way of keeping everything in perspective. There is a huge understatement!! I had a wonderful Christmas and I am looking forward to the New Year. Things have changed sooo much! It is so easy to allow yourself to get depressed and look at everything from a negative point of view, but God has a way of saying "don't you dare!" You will get a kick out of what happened this morning....

At 4:00 a.m. my daughter came pounding on our door to let us know that our van had been stolen right out of the driveway! She was crying and didn't know what to do...Ben jumped up and ran to the door, I guess to see with his own eyes and I grabbed the phone and dialed 911. Patsy had started the van to warm it up at 3:45 a.m. And at 4:00 she had walked out to go to work and it was gone. Her brother was up because he is working nights and was off but trying to stay on the same schedule. So he had been talking to her and actually kept her from walking out a 3:55. If he hadn't been talking she might have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. The timing on the whole thing gives me goose bumps!!! What if they had guns...or if she was in the van when they came to take it? There is no point in going down this road of thought except to realize how much God was watching out for her. It didn't hit me until the police officer left. Benjamin had already left to take Patsy to work and Ben and I were sitting on the couch in shock when we just held hands and prayed. Then I picked up my phone and called her just to hear her voice.... God is merciful in more ways than I know how to put into words!! My life could have changed forever in just a ten minute span!

On a more humorous note.... the van was found within 2hrs. It had two blown tires and apparently they were using our van to break into someone else's house. BUT, they left their cell phone in the van!! The police officer found the phone and the last text that they sent out stating.... "we need you to come get us it's an emergency!!" I was having a "here's your sign" moment! But I still found myself almost overwhelmed with gratitude! In just seconds your life could be going down a whole other road and it might not be what you want...or God could show mercy.

Just like Christmas morning when I was thanking God for allowing me to have Christmas with my family. I almost wasn't here for Christmas this year. God allows a lot to happen to help us to grow in Him and it can be hard to see but when we do? Our love for Him multiplies exponentially! I have a lot to deal with every day, but I am here to deal with it...and so is my baby girl! Thank-you for watching over her Father, I would love to have more time with her here on this earth. :)

# 56

Well, here I sit at my chemo treatment playing on my netbook. It is so cool to be able to take it with me anywhere!! And not to fight for internet time with the kids? Well, you can't get any better than this.

I must say I was much more emotional this Christmas than I expected. My husband wrote a story for me so I could read it on Christmas morning at our church. I told him what I wanted and he put it into words...he is very gifted like that. But the heart of the story is this...we have nothing to offer like the wisemen did just ourselves. But that it all God wants anyway. So as I am dramatically reading this story, I get to the line where the lady in the story realizes all she has to offer and all He really wants...is me ... and here come the tears. I find myself asking.."who am I?" I feel like I have so little to offer, I guess that is the whole point. To realize that to live for God we need God, to love Him, we need Him to help us...it is very reciprocal in nature. He takes these broken vessels and uses them because we can clearly show Him through our brokenness. It is all about Him and sometimes when I am feeling very broken, used, worn, ugly, and worthless that is when He shines the brightest. So He must be easy to see right now through me because there is not much of me that works right. (lol!!) But that is the point!! Don't let it be about me, what I can do or say that may be awesome....let the world see my imperfections and then let me let go and let Him shine through me. I can't but He CAN!

So I can sit and look at all the things that don't work right, or are difficult for me right now...OR I can focus on what He can do with all this broken mess that I am living with that shines with His glory. Let's keep our focus on His strength and not my weakness shall we? It seems to work much better that way. So all I have to offer is ... me. Is it enough? Of course, the weaker I am the stronger He is! As I sit and ponder these things it amazes me that He loves me....I feel I have nothing to offer....but He just wants my love, and you know what? I just want His! And I have it!!! Praise God!!!

So I am headed into another year of being alive and I am so excited just to be here!! My God loves me and I may have a lot of little things wrong but He has allowed me to be here, be weak and allow Him to be strong. Thank-you, Father!!

# 55

Merry Christmas!! I must say that this year has had a totally different effect on me than I was quite prepared for. I have been quite weepy all day. Just to be here and to know that the only reason I am here is because He wants me here. I was so close to death this year that I just wanted to enjoy my family. I didn't need a single gift. But my husband surprised me...with a netbook. So I am blogging on my own little laptop :) I am soooo happy!!! No more prying my children's fingers off of the other laptops I have one all to myself!! God is just tooo awesome for words!!

We did things so different this year and it worked out so well. We had some things made for the boys and did a couple big things for the whole family. It has just been wonderful and I can't stop smiling. It truly doesn't matter what little things I have to deal with on a daily basis, just that I am here to deal with it. So Merry Christmas everyone! And I hope you can see the blessing of God around you, for it is there to be seen. I see it everywhere!!

# 54

Well some days it just gets tiring. I have to get up every morning and do my exercises on my exercise ball to keep my lymphodema under control so no way to get ready in a hurry. Then hot compresses for the eyes to keep my tearing under control. Oh, and I need to take my vitamins before I leave as well so a little breakfast is a must or it will upset my stomach. So if I desire to go anywhere I have at least a two hour routine to finish before walking out that door. Whew, I get worn out just thinking about it!!

I went to see the eye doctor this morning and got up a little late so I didn't do my ball exercises...ugh!! So as soon as I get home, on the ball I go. But this doesn't compare with evenings...lol!! I do the hot compresses at night as well to help with the tearing...but I have to use my Flexitouch, which is what the air machine is called that I wrap up in to help control the swelling in my leg. I do my ball exercises then wrap up and do the compressions for an hour every night before sleep. So if I get downstairs a little late? Yup. I am up till crazy hours trying to get everything done!

BUT, let's keep it all in perspective. If I had died this summer I wouldn't be here at all and that is where I was. Making funeral arrangements....but now I am doing little things to keep me going. And that is the point. I am still here doing those little things to keep me going. I get to be with my family every day! This Christmas is going to be awesome! We did some different things this year for the kids but they are personal and I get to share it with them. Can I possibly ask for anything better than that?!

On top of all this we had some roller coaster moments. Funny how things can look so different after you have gone through a life and death experience. I trust God. I have learned that He really does know what He is doing and I'm okay with not knowing. I'm not sure I could have said that before. It is nice to know what is going on, but it is so much better to know that someone who knows me and my family so well and knows what is best for us is planning our steps.

Thanks Father for taking care of us. We need you. I need you.....every moment of every day.

# 53

Okay, so I have physical therapy three days a week and it is totally unusual. I do exercises then my therapist scrapes my leg with a scraper like for a windshield in the winter. I must say that it hurts like a dog and that night and the next day I am crazy sore. BUT, it is helping :) And as I start my PT I start to have problems with my eyes tearing. What is up with that?

So I go three days a week for PT, one day a week for chemo....and I am leaking out my eyes....Oh, and my big toenails are bruised and it looks like I might lose them.....and my fingernails are coming loose from the nail beds. Yeah, I will definitely lose them. Some days my list of little things can make me really down.

My son sent me a text from work today and said, "mom, do you ever just feel mopey?"

Really son? I wanted to say...everyday! But if I dwell on all the little things...I would stay in a mopey state of mind. I find if I keep my focus on the fact that this body is just a shell, a temporary shell and someday I will have a wonderful new one it helps soooo much!

There are days that I look into the mirror and am just amazed that I am still holding together. I find that I don't like the way I look, everything looks like it is just falling apart or disfigured. And that's when my hero comes and saves me. In walks my husband with eyes full of love and sees me, not my shell. He looks so convinced that I am beautiful, and I am so thankful because it reminds me of how my God sees me. Gosh, I love that man!!!! So I am taking one day at a time and enjoying still being here and loving my kids and husband, and most of all my God for giving me more time here on this earth. I get to pray everyday for my friends and family and I know that must drive the devil mad....so...hahahahahaha!!!!! I am still here because God wants me here!! :) And I'll stay as long as he wants me to :)

# 52

I am finally back on the internet. Gosh, there is sooo much that has happened over the past several months so I will try to go through them with several blogs and not put it all in one.

After my last post I had some tests run for the swelling in my leg. I discovered that I had a blood clot in my right thigh. My leg was swelling, but more than that my butt and waist on my right side from knee to my ribs. I was starting to look lopsided and it was getting impossible to bend over and put on shoes or socks. They put me on cummunin pills and shots to thin my blood so it would dissolve the clot and reduce the swelling.

Well, it was thinning my blood and it wasn't getting rid of the swelling. Actually the swelling stayed at the same level to the point that I asked them if something was wrong. I am not one to complain but it was getting frustrating that I was uncomfortable all the time. Not being able to bend over or put my socks on...and stairs were becoming almost impossible unless I was taking them one at a time or I should say one leg only at a time.

Well, they sent me back for another scan after three months of blood thinners and no reduction in swelling and found out that the clot was gone (praise God!) but I must have lymphodema. Soooooo off to the a lymphodema specialist I go.... I go to the therapist and find out that the radiation on my pelvic bone and hip have damaged my lymph nodes and I have a ton of fibrous scar tissue which is causing the backed up fluid to not be able to drain.

Physical therapy three days a week and chemo once a week.....

This is going to be a long winter.