# 87
I am adapting well to my new chemo pills, thank goodness!! Now that I realized I can take my five nasty pills at night and sleep through the worst of it! Funny how things take a moment to sink in....LOL!! I have been adjusting to taking the three with two meals and the first meal is the worst because I have to take all my other vitamins at the same time. Okay, let me just explain my routine....I get up and use the bathroom (thanks to Cassie's tea I am regular and need no help from Mira-lax) then I head upstairs to drink Cassie's tea that I have to give 30 minutes to get into my system before I put anything else into my stomach. Then I head back downstairs to do a coffee enema because it is designed to clean out the liver...no explanation needed. Actually I have just been able to start these back up and I truly believe it is because of the tea. I haven't needed to wear my compression stalkings and I haven't needed to do my exercises every night like I was before. If I am tired I can just go to bed and not worry about my leg swelling or hurting. That is such a huge answer to prayer!! I can still feel the joint in my hip not feeling great, like it has arthritis, which it probably does! But it isn't a struggle against the lymphodema any more. The scar tissue is still there and hard but it is getting easier to stand and walk, so I keep praying that the Lord will help me get rid of the scar tissue. He can do anything!
Okay, back to the morning routine and chemo pills. After I do my enema I, of course am starved, so I have a quick shower then head upstairs for a medium bowl of cereal. I can't eat a lot because that's when I have to take my 3 chemo pills and about 24 vitamins. So this is the worst time of day for me. I feel bloated and slightly sick and then it makes me burp...it is just yucky! This is usually when I take a break and crash on the couch. After dozing off and sleeping the worst of the feeling away I wake up and can go about my day feeling pretty good! Now I still make sure I have an afternoon dose of Cassie's tea and wait 30 minutes before I eat lunch. Even after lunch and 3 more chemo pills I still feel good and can go through the rest of my evening feeling normal. I usually don't eat dinner because lunch is usually later because breakfast is usually later. So for dinner I have a cup of Cassie's tea then wait till I am ready to turn the bedroom light off and take my last 5 chemo pills. But if I did eat in the evening, I would have to wait 2 hours after eating to drink the tea then 30 minutes before I could take my chemo. My whole day is thinking about the next dose of whatever!! Some days I have to carry little doses of tea with me...it is crazy! But it is helping so I can't complain :))
On the emotional and spiritual side...I have felt a peace that has truly passed all understanding. I don't feel worried and I have just been amazed at how the Father has revealed Himself in so many ways during my Bible study time!! I'm so thankful that I can trust Him! I wanted to share a devotional that I read on May 20th from "Streams in the Desert"
John 18:11 - Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?
God is a thousand times more meticulous with us than even an artist is with his canvas. Using many brush strokes of sorrow, and circumstances of various colors, He paints us into the highest and best image He visualizes, if we will only receive His bitter gifts of myrrh in the right spirit.
Yet when our cup of sorrows is taken away and the lessons in it are suppressed or go unheeded, we do more damage to our soul than could ever be repaired. No human heart can imagine the incomparable love God expresses in His gift of myrrh. However, this great gift that our soul should receive is allowed to pass by us because of our sleepy indifference, and ultimately nothing comes of it.
Then in our barrenness we come and complain, saying, "O LORD, I feel so dry, and there is so much darkness within me!" My advice to you, dear child, is to open your heart to the pain and suffering, and it will accomplish more good than being full of emotion and sincerity. Tauler
You can see why I liked this devotional...even the verse hit me. I am so thankful that He sees the picture He is painting of me. He is making a beautiful masterpiece and who am I not to drink of the cup He has given me. I've always said I was willing, and what I and my family have learned I wouldn't trade for anything in this world! I was talking to my sister today and discussing again the inability to run, go on hikes, play volleyball, etc. And she apologized for it even coming up because she didn't want to depress me and I told her it was okay. I am still here and for whatever reason I will have to sacrifice if I am to stay here. So I have negative, but there is an awful lot of positive! If God lets me stay, I can see my children get married, grandchildren....that would be soooooo awesome!! There is a lot of positive to think about without really even needing to focus on what I can't do. There is a lot that I can do! Thank-you, Father!! I truly want others to see that even though I still have this cancer, He has never left me alone! I have never had to go through one step without Him. People need to know that, that they don't have to be alone....ever! Ben can't be with me 24/7. He tries...LOL! But only God can, and He HAS!! There are nights when I hide my crying but God is there to catch every tear, there are mornings when the joy is so overwhelming that the tears come harder than the night before, and my Father catches everyone! There are days when I just am happy to be here and He is with me still. Thank-you Father, Your love is indescribable and I love you and trust YOU!!
Monday, May 21, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
# 86
In the middle of Bible Study tonight I had a WOW moment. I'm not sure what made me think about it, but I just realized that I have Breast Cancer that has gone to my lymph nodes, to my bone, to my marrow, to my brain, to my liver and even a little fluid in my lungs. On top of that I have developed lymphodema from the radiation to my right hip. I am still here! Does this seem incredible to anyone else? It makes me weepy when I think of all that God has brought me through. At one point we were discussing my death because a tumor had wrapped around my C2 vertebrae and we weren't sure I would make it through the week! Then a year later I'm on my death bed, nothing but skin and bones again discussing funeral arrangements. Now here I am, brain radiated to stop that growth, all other cancer spots are receding and it is trying to grow in my liver. I am getting the strong feeling that the devil is really fighting to get rid of me! Nice to know that God is still in control of what goes on in my body.
I feel like the Cassie's tea is really helping, but we will see. And not just that, I still feel very strongly that God wants me to stick around for a while. First, the tumor in my neck was taken care of so miraculously it was obvious it was God. Second, the raised tumor marker numbers when it went to my marrow...after one treatment of chemo I was like a new person. Thirdly, it goes to my brain and I show no symptoms...ever! Then my numbers start to rise again and it shows up in my liver and I still feel good and show no signs that my numbers are up!! It's like watching a live battle between God and Satan and with every feeble attempt the devil makes God chuckles and says, "Don't worry, sweetheart, I got you covered." I love it!! God has taken care of me every step of the way and He does it in such a way that only He can receive the glory!! I'm soooo thankful!! I said a while ago that God can cure me with whatever He wants; chemo, naturally, an instant miracle, however He wants so I trust Him. And I love seeing Him use all these different ways to do it. I was so ready to do whatever the doctor said, then when he started to work against me, I went totally natural. Both worked for me. And now I am having to combine the two but the difference is that I have a doctor who cares for me and prays for me and lets me do both. I totally know God brought us to East Tennessee for me to have the doctor that I have right now. He has taken care of every need that I have had... the doctor, and most importantly God. He as allowed me to work with the teens which is something that just burdens my heart and I'm so thankful He opened that door. I find trusting Him gets easier every day as He opens my doors for me to walk through and all I want to do is share with others what He has done for me. I hope I can do it in such a way that will bring glory to His name. He is worthy of all glory and praise!!
In the middle of Bible Study tonight I had a WOW moment. I'm not sure what made me think about it, but I just realized that I have Breast Cancer that has gone to my lymph nodes, to my bone, to my marrow, to my brain, to my liver and even a little fluid in my lungs. On top of that I have developed lymphodema from the radiation to my right hip. I am still here! Does this seem incredible to anyone else? It makes me weepy when I think of all that God has brought me through. At one point we were discussing my death because a tumor had wrapped around my C2 vertebrae and we weren't sure I would make it through the week! Then a year later I'm on my death bed, nothing but skin and bones again discussing funeral arrangements. Now here I am, brain radiated to stop that growth, all other cancer spots are receding and it is trying to grow in my liver. I am getting the strong feeling that the devil is really fighting to get rid of me! Nice to know that God is still in control of what goes on in my body.
I feel like the Cassie's tea is really helping, but we will see. And not just that, I still feel very strongly that God wants me to stick around for a while. First, the tumor in my neck was taken care of so miraculously it was obvious it was God. Second, the raised tumor marker numbers when it went to my marrow...after one treatment of chemo I was like a new person. Thirdly, it goes to my brain and I show no symptoms...ever! Then my numbers start to rise again and it shows up in my liver and I still feel good and show no signs that my numbers are up!! It's like watching a live battle between God and Satan and with every feeble attempt the devil makes God chuckles and says, "Don't worry, sweetheart, I got you covered." I love it!! God has taken care of me every step of the way and He does it in such a way that only He can receive the glory!! I'm soooo thankful!! I said a while ago that God can cure me with whatever He wants; chemo, naturally, an instant miracle, however He wants so I trust Him. And I love seeing Him use all these different ways to do it. I was so ready to do whatever the doctor said, then when he started to work against me, I went totally natural. Both worked for me. And now I am having to combine the two but the difference is that I have a doctor who cares for me and prays for me and lets me do both. I totally know God brought us to East Tennessee for me to have the doctor that I have right now. He has taken care of every need that I have had... the doctor, and most importantly God. He as allowed me to work with the teens which is something that just burdens my heart and I'm so thankful He opened that door. I find trusting Him gets easier every day as He opens my doors for me to walk through and all I want to do is share with others what He has done for me. I hope I can do it in such a way that will bring glory to His name. He is worthy of all glory and praise!!
Monday, May 14, 2012
# 85
I started my new chemo on Friday, it is all pills and it is everyday. I have to take 5 in the morning on an empty stomach than wait an hour before I can eat and once I eat then I can take 3 more. After lunch I take 3 more. It is making my sick to my stomach and giving my diarrhea. I just realized this afternoon that I could wait to take the 5 at night so I won't have to deal with all the pills through the day and be sick all morning. So tomorrow I am going to take the five at night and just do the three during meal times for breakfast and lunch. I'm hoping it will help, but we will see. I really don't want to go back to feeling bad all day long. The discouraging part is that I have to do this everyday. At least when I was taking the liquid chemo it was once a week and I only felt bad that one day, now I am fighting it every day. It is making my daily routine difficult and ironically enough it has made me a little more emotional. Of course if I don't feel good I get weepy very easily so any time Ben said anything to me, how much he loved me, that he would take care of me...yeah, I was weepy. But he is helping me through every moment of every day, especially now that he can see it has made me feel nauseous and tired. He truly is an answer to prayer! I love him sooo much!!
I had such a great past couple of days!! I just wanted to share, on Thursday and Friday my sister and her best friend came in for an overnight visit. It was one long laugh! I so needed that and wished that my other sister could have joined us. I'm actually really excited about June cause I will get brother time with him and his whole family!! But that is for later....on Saturday we had a teen bonfire and game night. It was soooo much fun! I had five foxtails (a leather tennis ball with a nylon tail that you throw like a David and Goliath sling shot) footballs, volleyballs, frisbees, and plans to play capture the flag once it got dark. It turned out awesome with 36 there and everyone played and had fun and was sore the next morning!! :)) The next day was Mother's Day so we went to my in-laws and grilled out, I wasn't feeling real well, thanks to the chemo pills but still had a good time. Then after a nap the kids and I went to see the Avengers. We had sooo much fun! I was truly so thankful that I was able to do all I did. And to top off a great weekend I went tonight to watch my youngest perform in his choir. He had five solos and did so well, I was sooo proud! I made two coconut cream pies for the bbq they had before the performance and my in-laws got to come and watch. It was just a great night and I couldn't help but thank the Father for giving me the ability to be able to do so much. I haven't felt great, but I have been able to do, and that is all I want. God allows me to be here and I am sooo thankful for the chance just to have today! It sounds so simple but it just isn't. Emotionally it is very difficult and very hard to put into words. There are so many compromises, things that you have to be okay with giving up because that is what God wants you to surrender. And if it is what He wants you to surrender, then you give it up. I don't have hair, my nails are rough and some even missing, I can't use my right leg like normal, sleep is hard to come by, etc. But I'm still here and I want to tell people about my God who loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. He lets me stay and I want to tell others about Him. I'm okay with that. :)
I started my new chemo on Friday, it is all pills and it is everyday. I have to take 5 in the morning on an empty stomach than wait an hour before I can eat and once I eat then I can take 3 more. After lunch I take 3 more. It is making my sick to my stomach and giving my diarrhea. I just realized this afternoon that I could wait to take the 5 at night so I won't have to deal with all the pills through the day and be sick all morning. So tomorrow I am going to take the five at night and just do the three during meal times for breakfast and lunch. I'm hoping it will help, but we will see. I really don't want to go back to feeling bad all day long. The discouraging part is that I have to do this everyday. At least when I was taking the liquid chemo it was once a week and I only felt bad that one day, now I am fighting it every day. It is making my daily routine difficult and ironically enough it has made me a little more emotional. Of course if I don't feel good I get weepy very easily so any time Ben said anything to me, how much he loved me, that he would take care of me...yeah, I was weepy. But he is helping me through every moment of every day, especially now that he can see it has made me feel nauseous and tired. He truly is an answer to prayer! I love him sooo much!!
I had such a great past couple of days!! I just wanted to share, on Thursday and Friday my sister and her best friend came in for an overnight visit. It was one long laugh! I so needed that and wished that my other sister could have joined us. I'm actually really excited about June cause I will get brother time with him and his whole family!! But that is for later....on Saturday we had a teen bonfire and game night. It was soooo much fun! I had five foxtails (a leather tennis ball with a nylon tail that you throw like a David and Goliath sling shot) footballs, volleyballs, frisbees, and plans to play capture the flag once it got dark. It turned out awesome with 36 there and everyone played and had fun and was sore the next morning!! :)) The next day was Mother's Day so we went to my in-laws and grilled out, I wasn't feeling real well, thanks to the chemo pills but still had a good time. Then after a nap the kids and I went to see the Avengers. We had sooo much fun! I was truly so thankful that I was able to do all I did. And to top off a great weekend I went tonight to watch my youngest perform in his choir. He had five solos and did so well, I was sooo proud! I made two coconut cream pies for the bbq they had before the performance and my in-laws got to come and watch. It was just a great night and I couldn't help but thank the Father for giving me the ability to be able to do so much. I haven't felt great, but I have been able to do, and that is all I want. God allows me to be here and I am sooo thankful for the chance just to have today! It sounds so simple but it just isn't. Emotionally it is very difficult and very hard to put into words. There are so many compromises, things that you have to be okay with giving up because that is what God wants you to surrender. And if it is what He wants you to surrender, then you give it up. I don't have hair, my nails are rough and some even missing, I can't use my right leg like normal, sleep is hard to come by, etc. But I'm still here and I want to tell people about my God who loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. He lets me stay and I want to tell others about Him. I'm okay with that. :)
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
# 84
Well I found out the results of my PET scan yesterday. Talk about a mix of emotions! We had good news and bad news. The good news was that all the cancer has receded, the cancer in my bones and lymph nodes. So Ben and I just sat there waiting for the other shoe to drop and it did. It is now in my liver. Not a mass just activity. When they do a PET they give you radioactive isotopes that go to where there is the most activity. So they could see activity in my liver but not in one mass just little hot spots. I also have some fluid in my lungs. Not a lot and the Doc is not sure why....he wasn't worried, but it just begs to question.
So how do I feel? I'm not even sure how I feel. It has been such a roller coaster ride that I'm not even sure how to explain what is going on inside. Neither Ben nor I were emotional when we got the news and we knew it would not be good because my numbers were up. We were actually surprised that we were getting good news at all and we were kinda in a little bit of shock listening as he explained how good this was that my body was responding so well. Ben and I just waited. We knew it was growing somewhere...the liver. Okay. How do I feel about that? ..... Okay, the first thing I thought of was a dear friend back in VA who found out that her liver was covered in tumors and she turned bright yellow before she died. No, that is not what I want to dwell on right now. I look at Ben and he is calm and I am feeling pretty calm myself. I can't help but feel like we have been down this road before and God has always been with us. I didn't feel like I was free falling this time like when I found out it had gone to my brain. I felt like I was wrapped in a cocoon of prayer. Having the cancer in my liver could be the end of me.....but I could say that about every stage I've been through. So I head out with a new chemo regime laid out for me and a steady dose of Cassie's Tea. I start making phone calls to my siblings and you know this is the part I hate. Even though there is good news it is sprinkled with bad, I hate that! Can't I just give good news? I'm looking forward to that day, when it is just good news with no bad!
I find when I end up telling people I end up apologizing for the bad news. It makes my brother irritated that I apologize, but it just comes out. I hate being the bearer of bad news, but this is something that I can't control. But I find that I am at peace this time. I can't help but trust in a Father who has brought me from the brink of death almost more times than I can count. My first diagnosis, then back in my bones, then the mass wrapped around my C2 vertebrae, then in my bone marrow with numbers in the 800's, then in my brain, now in my liver. I sit in my Father's hands and I'm very thankful that it is His hands that hold me. I have no control over what is going on but praise God, He knows what tomorrow holds and He holds me.
So I feel okay. I feel like God is still in control and that is all I need to feel. I'm here today and I'm going to live every day that I am here. :)
Well I found out the results of my PET scan yesterday. Talk about a mix of emotions! We had good news and bad news. The good news was that all the cancer has receded, the cancer in my bones and lymph nodes. So Ben and I just sat there waiting for the other shoe to drop and it did. It is now in my liver. Not a mass just activity. When they do a PET they give you radioactive isotopes that go to where there is the most activity. So they could see activity in my liver but not in one mass just little hot spots. I also have some fluid in my lungs. Not a lot and the Doc is not sure why....he wasn't worried, but it just begs to question.
So how do I feel? I'm not even sure how I feel. It has been such a roller coaster ride that I'm not even sure how to explain what is going on inside. Neither Ben nor I were emotional when we got the news and we knew it would not be good because my numbers were up. We were actually surprised that we were getting good news at all and we were kinda in a little bit of shock listening as he explained how good this was that my body was responding so well. Ben and I just waited. We knew it was growing somewhere...the liver. Okay. How do I feel about that? ..... Okay, the first thing I thought of was a dear friend back in VA who found out that her liver was covered in tumors and she turned bright yellow before she died. No, that is not what I want to dwell on right now. I look at Ben and he is calm and I am feeling pretty calm myself. I can't help but feel like we have been down this road before and God has always been with us. I didn't feel like I was free falling this time like when I found out it had gone to my brain. I felt like I was wrapped in a cocoon of prayer. Having the cancer in my liver could be the end of me.....but I could say that about every stage I've been through. So I head out with a new chemo regime laid out for me and a steady dose of Cassie's Tea. I start making phone calls to my siblings and you know this is the part I hate. Even though there is good news it is sprinkled with bad, I hate that! Can't I just give good news? I'm looking forward to that day, when it is just good news with no bad!
I find when I end up telling people I end up apologizing for the bad news. It makes my brother irritated that I apologize, but it just comes out. I hate being the bearer of bad news, but this is something that I can't control. But I find that I am at peace this time. I can't help but trust in a Father who has brought me from the brink of death almost more times than I can count. My first diagnosis, then back in my bones, then the mass wrapped around my C2 vertebrae, then in my bone marrow with numbers in the 800's, then in my brain, now in my liver. I sit in my Father's hands and I'm very thankful that it is His hands that hold me. I have no control over what is going on but praise God, He knows what tomorrow holds and He holds me.
So I feel okay. I feel like God is still in control and that is all I need to feel. I'm here today and I'm going to live every day that I am here. :)
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
# 83
I really hate the in between waiting period while you wait for test results. I was supposed to get a PET scan last Thursday but they couldn't get me in till this week so it delayed everything even my new chemo cocktail. So I just did my normal Herceptin and went home. It makes me sleepy because they give me Benedrill(sp?). But here I am waiting to find out what is going on inside to make my numbers 220. There are times when I'm lying in bed that my thoughts want to wander and doubt wants to creep in and discourage me. If I let myself linger on the possibility that I could be taking my final turn for the worse, I get overwhelmed. I try not to get weepy because it really doesn't matter, I know who holds my future, and there is no reason to cry until I know what is really going on inside. It is funny to think about dying...for me it is such a mixed bag of emotions. Dying means freedom for me. I would be free from pain, and the constant mental battle of fighting this cancer and I could go home! Then I think of those left behind and that is when the tears come. I'm not sure how to ever deal with this side of it. I know God will take care of those left behind, I know how He helped me after dad died of a sudden heart attack, but that was excruciating! I hate thinking of my family going through that! But I don't even want to think about all of this until I know what God has in store for me. Here is the craziness, I still feel like He has laid out all these plans for me this year. There are so many things that are going on and I am supposed to be a part of it. So on those days when the doubts crowd my thoughts, I realize He made plans for me today and I am going to do them today. No need to let the devil get a foothold in my thoughts, he has no place there. I have a Father who loves me dearly and only wants the best for me, sooooo I am enjoying today!
I really hate the in between waiting period while you wait for test results. I was supposed to get a PET scan last Thursday but they couldn't get me in till this week so it delayed everything even my new chemo cocktail. So I just did my normal Herceptin and went home. It makes me sleepy because they give me Benedrill(sp?). But here I am waiting to find out what is going on inside to make my numbers 220. There are times when I'm lying in bed that my thoughts want to wander and doubt wants to creep in and discourage me. If I let myself linger on the possibility that I could be taking my final turn for the worse, I get overwhelmed. I try not to get weepy because it really doesn't matter, I know who holds my future, and there is no reason to cry until I know what is really going on inside. It is funny to think about dying...for me it is such a mixed bag of emotions. Dying means freedom for me. I would be free from pain, and the constant mental battle of fighting this cancer and I could go home! Then I think of those left behind and that is when the tears come. I'm not sure how to ever deal with this side of it. I know God will take care of those left behind, I know how He helped me after dad died of a sudden heart attack, but that was excruciating! I hate thinking of my family going through that! But I don't even want to think about all of this until I know what God has in store for me. Here is the craziness, I still feel like He has laid out all these plans for me this year. There are so many things that are going on and I am supposed to be a part of it. So on those days when the doubts crowd my thoughts, I realize He made plans for me today and I am going to do them today. No need to let the devil get a foothold in my thoughts, he has no place there. I have a Father who loves me dearly and only wants the best for me, sooooo I am enjoying today!
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