# 78

I just got done with an MRI on my head to see if the radiation did it's job....What do I say to this? I feel so good and with no side effects it is hard to imagine something wrong. To add to that, I am just amazed at how my year is being scheduled out for me. It is just incredible to see God move in my future knowing that I am fighting cancer and He has these plans for me to prosper me and bless me. :) There is truly a Hope that does not disappoint and a Peace that passes all understanding. I awoke Friday morning with not a fear or worry and the presence of my Father so tangible it felt like a blanket, prayers covering me and the unwavering strength and support of my husband. It is hard to put into words how I feel when I know that it is in the hands of the Father whether I stay here or go. I truly believe I am going to make it through this for reasons I don't know how to explain. There comes a point where faith and trust come together and I truly am amazed at how it makes me feel to know that I can trust my Father and believe that He truly has my best interest at heart. I'm so thankful for how He loves me and takes care of me. Every morning I wake up to His beautiful creation and share in His day. How do I fear the one who holds my heart in His hands? He is the lover of my soul and I have nothing to fear! :)

I will find out on Tuesday what the results are on my MRI and I am hoping I will be able to give up the last steroid I have to take and will be able to drive again. That would be wonderful! So I am just going to wait and enjoy hearing the good news on Tuesday :))

# 77

I had a really busy and fun weekend. I went to the church Friday night for a ladies Bunco, which is just a food and game night. It was soooo much fun!! We laughed ourselves silly and shared some of the craziest stories!! It was really nice to get out with my daughter and laugh together and share as a lady, not mom, a wife, a teen director, a cancer patient, .....just me. I really enjoyed it. Then Saturday night we took the teens to another church where some FWBBC students planned a game night and pizza. They seemed to have a really good time and we had a good turnout. It was fun :) And Saturday morning my sister and her family were passing through on their vacation and they stopped in for breakfast. I made some eggs and bacon, with some blueberry pancakes. It was a really good morning and her kids are growing up sooo fast! Then off to Sunday School where our Bunco ladies had made an old man gift basket for my husbands Birthday. We made black flowers for the basket and filled it full of denture creme, stool softeners, a cane, corn pads, hemorrhoid creme, prunes, apple sauce, man diapers, bengay, etc....It was soooo funny!! We just hooted and so did he till he was coughing!! I got to enjoy two wonderful services and after not being able to go last week this was just wonderful! I am sooo tired as soon as I get done I am crashing!!

I wanted to let you know just briefly, after posting my last blog, I wanted to share that if you decide to order the Caisse's Tea from Natural Heritage Enterprises and you call it in and tell them that you heard about the tea from me they will send me two thank-you packets of the tea. Then when you tell anyone about it and tell them to reference you, you will get free packets of the tea as well. I'm impressed with them, they are small and only sell Caisse's Tea and they care about their customers...it is a nice change. ;)

Anywho on to other things, I am setting up a time to see what is really going on with my left implant. If it was me i'd be saying that there doesn't appear to be a leak, but truly in this instance it is better to be safe than sorry. I called my doctor in Nashville who did the surgery and found out that they are silicone!! We specifically asked for saline because of me fighting cancer...what if it ruptured? I'm already fighting cancer, why would I run the risk of cancer somewhere esle with nasty silicone in my body?! Needless to say I was right angry to find out he put silicone implants in me!!! The issue is that I don't need silicone in my body right now, the other is that if I have to have surgery? I have to be off of chemo for like 4wks before I can have surgery!! Then I have to wait to heal before I can start back on chemo. I am feeling frustrated, then I have to step back and realize God knew this was going to happen and maybe he wanted me to hold off on my chemo so the tea would have time to work. I have no clue! I'm just frustrated that it isn't saline...

They are trying to schedule and MRI so I should know something soon about the spots in my brain. Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was no sign of my cancer?!!!!! I don't even know what to say to that.....But I trust Him. That is truly all I need to say. So I am going to sit back and watch how everything unfolds. It's nice to be able to do that. :)

# 76

I'm sitting here on my couch looking out my open window listening to the birds while I write in my prayer journal wondering once again....why me? It hits me sometimes like a Mack truck! My kids are all out of the house, two working and one in school and my husband is golfing with his dad. I had a really good Bible study and started writing to my Father in my journal when I just felt overwhelmed with gratitude. I'm here. I'm really here and living and feeling better each day as I open my windows and let God's creation waft over me. It has been the most beautiful weather these last two weeks and it is like healing waters on my soul! He has let me have another day with Him and my family! How gracious is our God?!

As I came home last night from Wednesday night Bible Study I was sitting on our couch going over my calender of upcoming events for the teens and our family. I was overwhelmed again at everything that is coming up that I could not control but I am in charge of making happen and coordinating. It was making me cry because it was like God was saying, "yes, these are the plans I have for you.... and you'll be here to do it and I'll be with you." I can't help but fall on my face before Him and praise His name!! Who am I? Who is anyone? As I write my prayers down this morning I find myself feeling very unworthy. I'm no one special, then He gently reminds me ...yes I am. In His eyes I am so special! Here come the tears again.... We all are JUST THAT SPECIAL in His eyes!! Why is it so hard to believe? I guess we would live so differently if we had that kind of confidence and security all the time. We would just be so bold and strong but the devil will do whatever he can to make us feel worthless. I was struggling with that this morning and wondered what brought on those old memories and the overwhelming feelings of past guilt and shame. The devil loves to bring up forgiven sins and try to get us to dwell on them, but guess what, Satan? The have been tossed into the sea of forgetfulness!! HA!! I am forgiven and precious in the eyes of my Father, the Lover of My Soul!!!! (happy tears now!!)

Now that I have shared a little of my soul pondering' s this morning, I want to share a little good news physically. I have been hesitant to share with everyone about a natural tea that my father-in-law discovered right before I found out the cancer had gone to my brain because I didn't want to promote something without knowing it it would really help or not. It is an herbal tea that an Indian tribe in Canada have been using for hundreds of years and their people have never developed cancer. A nurse in Canada came across this phenomenon and did some research and discovered that it truly would cure cancer. Long and short of it, the Canadian govt wouldn't let it out so she made it herself and kept herself in the poor house giving it away. She sent it to Boston where they tested it on AIDS patients and of the 127 patients they had at the time they only let the doctor use it on five. The five lived and the 122 others died. Needless to say the US wouldn't let it out either even with documented proof, it couldn't be patented, it is just 4 herbs you can get in your back yard. The tea is named after the nurse who discovered it from the tribe of Indians and her name is Rene Caisse. Some places call it Essiac Tea, which is Rene's name spelled backward. You can look it up and read all the facts about it and it is sad to see how much the govt tries to hide things like this. I bought a bottle from Earth Fare and started drinking it the day I started radiation. You only need to drink 2tbls a day. If you are fighting cancer you can up the dose so I drink 6 tbls a day. Two in the morning, two in the afternoon and two at night. I immediately ordered the packets and brew it myself now, since that is the much cheaper way to order it. I order it from Natural Heritage Enterprises. But this is what I want to share...

A lady at church drank 3 tbls a day and within 2 wks her carpal tunnel in her foot was gone. She had struggled for years and was even using my magnets to relieve her pain and 2 wks later it was gone. Another lady struggled with arthritis in her left foot so bad she had been wearing an ankle brace for the past twelve years. She called me into her SS room just beaming and told me she took off her brace and went hiking with her husband for the first time in years! They are both in their 50's and they just drink a tablespoon a day.

So on to me...when I started drinking I had just gone from no steroids to four a day and radiation. But immediately I noticed my bowels started functionally normally, I had energy, I was sleeping better and the pain in my hip, the radiated one that makes it hard to sleep, was gone. Well, then the steroids kicked in and everything swelled and the scar tissue in that hip was becoming unbearable! But now that the radiation is done and the steroids are down to one a day? My scar tissue is not just getting soft again, but the swelling in my leg is going down. This is hugely significant!! My lymphodema swelling hasn't gone down any in all my physical therapy! I've just been maintaining it and keeping in from swelling down my leg!! I marvel every night as I do my exercises and look at my leg...it is looking a lot like my other leg...lol! maybe I'll be able to toss those compression stockings out the window soon! Oh, my eyes have stopped tearing so I can actually wear makeup again! And that hip is feeling more agility and movement everyday! I am so anxious for my next scans to see what is really going on with my cancer that I can't hardly wait!! For whatever reason God introduced this tea to me in His time, so if He decides to use it to cure this cancer I will praise Him for it, if He uses the chemo and radiation? I will praise Him for it, if He uses nothing but Himself I will praise Him, if He takes me home...I will praise HIM! Our God is worthy of Praise!

# 75

I had something very unusual happen this weekend. I was lying on the couch still lifeless with my sinus infection and I felt a sharp pain in my left shoulder. It was right there at my port site so I felt my port and it wasn't my port but above and behind it. I was trying to understand what I was feeling because it wasn't like a muscle pain if felt like a hot string under my skin. I rubbed it and it went away but it was strong enough that it woke me up. I told Ben about it and we both didn't know what to think except to just mention it at my next appointment. So we went to bed and thought nothing more about it till I got out of the shower the next morning. I apologize for the sensitive nature of what I am about to say, but everyone understands what I have been through and what surgeries I've had and why. I noticed in the shower that my left breast implant was misshapen. Then I realized the pain I must have felt was something releasing or breaking loose. Great, just what I need! I just laughed hard then started coughing!!

I went to do treatments today and was going to see my Doc because of my sinus infection so he did an exam as well and we all just looked at the misshapen implant ......"Where did you have this done?"

Nashville...

Oh, great....

Yeah, that is so how we were feeling, Nashville?! If I have to have something reattached it is still a surgery and still a trip to Nashville. Ugh! So He scheduled an ultrasound to make sure it isn't leaking and then when I find out I'm giving my doc in Nashville a call to see what I need to do. You have to laugh or cry! I'm laughing!! My list of physical defects is growing! I'm so thankful that being a woman doesn't have anything to do with the shell i'm living in!

I have a Father that loves me and thinks i'm BEAUTIFUL! Bald, almost no toenails left, chubby, misshapen and fake breasts, no ovaries, half fingernails, misshapen right leg and thigh, no eyebrows, .....it seems like the list keeps going and it doesn't matter. He thinks i'm beautiful! He sees me...just me from the inside where all the outside just doesn't matter.......that makes me smile. I love how He loves me and lets me know that He loves me.

So I'll let everyone know how this is going to turn out. If my implant is leaking or if it has broken loose somehow and what i'm going to have to do. But what ever happens it will be fine and we'll get it taken of. In the scheme of things this is very minor. Thank goodness!! I like small with all the "big" we've had lately!! whew!!

# 74

It has been a little while since I blogged. I have been just a tad busy with the weekend activity, Sunday's are very full and we had some other things going on as well. My youngest had a school choir concert and it was scheduled during my father-in-law's birthday cookout. I didn't want him to have a concert and no one see it so I had just planned on having Allen drive me with his nice new permit, then all could stay at the cookout and just he and I would have to leave. But that would be too easy!! He forgot his permit so my oldest son had to drive us and he couldn't leave his girlfriend....or his cousin....yeah, a car load took us and it was right in the middle of the cookout. Ha! Ha! Nothing ever goes quite as planned, but I am so glad I went! I watched a Dobson video about 15-18 yrs ago on some teen topic and in it he mentioned that he always made sure that the kids knew how important they were and that they came first. I don't even remember what the video was on, but it always impacted me from that point on...to the point that as I was standing there listening to everyone tell me to just let my oldest drop him off and sing and then go pick him up and me stay there and eat with them...I just couldn't. I wanted him to know that he meant more to me than just eating with the family, and I am sooo glad I did!! I was sitting on the front row and the ladies left just the guys ensemble as they asked all the moms to come to the front of the stage. Then they serenaded all the mom's with MY GIRL. Allen sang right to me, it was such a sweet moment that I would have missed! He even had a solo that he performed perfectly! I was sooo proud and thanking God as we left that I had made the right choice. Funny thing as we were standing in the kitchen and everyone was trying to talk me into staying, the look on Al's face made me think of that video so long ago...I knew I had to go. He didn't even tell me I needed to be there because it was supposed to be a surprise...well it was! I teared up and made him hug me and when I did all the other mom's did as well. It was a great memory I will treasure!!

On the flip side I get and unexpected phone call from my mom asking what I am doing Monday and Tuesday of this past week....of course this is sounding like I might be getting a surprise visit. That is exactly what it was!! Apparently Cecil is on spring break this week and it was the perfect time to come up for a visit since we don't have anything major going on right now it was a good time for us as well! We had three wonderful days together! The weather was just perfect so we had the doors and windows open so she could see the mountains and hear the birds as we sat talking and reminiscing. It was great to share some things she forgot like her mother's handkerchief's that Grandma passed on to me. Because of chemo and my leaky eyes I use grandma's hankies every day so I got to share that with her and show her again all of the ones she left. Then I pulled out the scarves she left me. It brought back good memories for both. It was really nice to just sit and talk...ask family history questions..catching up.

The next day she took me to my treatment and got to meet my doctor and nurses. I'm thankful she can now put a face to names because they are such a godly, awesome group of ladies. I find that I pray for them and have a bond to them that almost goes beyond words. I can go in at any time and know that they are there for me and they pray for me as well. It's amazing! Now mom has seen them and can put faces to names...that's nice.

I had a chance to make some chicken and dumplin's for Cecil and mom and of course I'm all about country cookin' so I pulled out some leftover soup beans, corn bread and potato salad then added some onions and some homemade lemon pie and coconut cream pie. I think all were happy :)) It was such an enjoyable visit! They went to church with us Wednesday night and got to see where we worship. Just the location of our church is beautiful...it is high on a hill where one side looks out over rolling farm country and the other side is nothing but mountains, it is BEAUTIFUL!!!! I'm glad they got to see it.

Parting was tearful, but maybe we can make a visit to Texas and visit them ! :))

After they left, my body just couldn't fight off the sinus gunk any longer. I'm sure the the chemo treatment probably contributed to that factor and then I just couldn't leave the windows shut. So I have been totally down for the count with all this sinus gunk...it has just been crazy! But I can tell you that I am starting to look normal again. I'm so thankful! Even being able to breathe?! I was so struggling with breathing because of the excess fluid in my abdomen and to be able to breathe easier is just such a relief!! So to have my cheeks actually now convex and not concave? It makes me relieved and now I can breathe easier :))

I go in Tuesday for my next treatment and I probably won't be able to take it because my white blood cell count will more than likely be down from fighting the sinus gunk. So we'll see and say some prayers, God knows what He is doing...I'm just along for the ride. :)

# 73

My doctor visit on Tuesday was long but very good. I literally waited in a little paper vest for 45 minutes! But after I had my exam, we had a chance to discuss what direction I was going to take and which chemo I will be taking. We discussed keeping up with my Herceptin which is a biological medicine not actually a chemo. It goes straight to the cancer and blocks its receptors. The catch is after I stop taking Herceptin I can't go back to it, so we decided to continue to use it as long as I can. My next chemo I'll be taking is called Gemzar. It doesn't have all the side effects as the other chemo's I have had to take, it will attack my blood levels; platelets, white blood cells, hemoglobin. So, bad news it will make me very tired, but good news I may be able grow some fingernails, toenails, hair. Actually, Ben and I have discovered that if I eat eggs every day it keeps my white blood cell count up which is my immune system and energy level. On the weeks that I kept up with eating eggs my numbers would be anywhere from 11 to 23. When I would forget I would get as low as 1.9. You should see how creative we have become with fixing eggs! Funny how I like them so much, but I know your body will crave what it needs. How awesome that God makes our bodies to function so well.

Anyway, as we were discussing my treatments and what we wanted to do, my doctor just stopped and said, " I just can't believe this. You are the picture of health."

I chuckled and said, "I know! And I still have no symptoms."

He said, "Oh, don't say that, knock on wood!"

We both laughed...knowing God was totally in control of that.

Then he said, "I remember when you came in a year ago in a wheelchair with your mother-in-law! You could barely hold your head up!" (we both smiled) "You were the picture of death then 2 wks later...2wks! You walked in and were laughing and talking!!"

We both were laughing and agreeing.

He said, "I just could not believe it had moved to your brain. You don't show any signs of it."

"I know, we are amazed as well, but we know it's God."

"Yes," he said, "we keep praying."

"Yes, we do." we said.

Can you tell me where in the world can you find a doctor like that? I'm sure there are others like him who care and pray, but I must say I'm very thankful he is my doctor. Not just the doctor, the nurses are predominately christians. There is one there who could be my mother in age. She has such a sweet spirit and she is such a prayer warrior! Her son and family just left this weekend for the mission field in New Guinea. Her faith and trust in God is just awesome! She prays for me every day that God will miraculously heal me. I could go to almost any of them and ask them to pray for anything and they would. I just can't thank God enough for the support team He has surrounded me with.

Then there are random connections that I don't even realize exist. I had a teen show up two Wednesday nights ago that I thought I had never met. I was explaining about my cancer when she said, "It's okay miss Robin, I've met you before and your on our prayer list at church." I received a plethora of cards this week from my mom's church. I receive cards and letters from people I don't even know how they are connected to me. There are more of these than I will ever know. How do I even explain how this makes me feel? I feel so unworthy! It is hard sometimes not to ask why me? And I don't mean why me to get cancer, I mean why has God been so gracious to burden everyone's heart to pray for me? Or why has He allowed me to be the one still alive and others gone? The gratefulness gets overwhelming. I find myself weeping with joy in a Father who has given me today and thanking Him for the body of Christ that has lifted me up before Him. I am not worthy. But, if I can reflect Him and others see Him and not me? That is all I desire. He is incredible and that is what everyone should see. He won't just be there for me but for you as well. Oh how much He loves us!!

On how I feel right now, I feel really good. My cheeks are starting to go back to normal and the swelling around my middle is going a little slower, but that is to be expected. I'm just ready for the fibrous scar tissue in my thigh and back to soften up again. Walking for a long time is uncomfortable and even standing too long gets uncomfortable so I'm anxious for that to soften up some. But I'm still doing everything like normal :) I wash clothes, do dishes, cook, clean....it is nice to still be doing everything like normal. It is nice to know that God still wants me here so I'm going to enjoy today as long as it is called today. :)

# 72

I have had such a good past couple of days that I just wanted to share. Being off radiation is like instant relief!! The first day or so I was tired and of course going down to one steroid let my body feel the tiredness so there was a lot of sleeping. And I must say I was happy to accommodate that wonderful feeling! One of the days I crashed on the couch to watch a movie with the family and four hours later (2 movies and starting a 3rd so I could keep sleeping) I woke up and looked around. They all were in bed with Ben on the other couch waiting for me to wake up. They are just too good to me! It was a wonderful deep sleep, I don't think I even moved :) Of course the swelling is slowly starting to go down. I can see the indentations in my cheeks again...lol! The only de-swelling that makes me sad...and just a little...are my fingers. I'm thankful that they are going back to normal I just wish I would have caught it in time. But that means I will be able to wear my spare gold band and my family ring (which has a ton of sentimental value for me as well) while I figure out who can fix my rings. It is a process isn't it?

Anyway, I have been able to have my mornings and energy back and it has been wonderful! And with the weather being so beautiful I have just soaked it in! I open the back door and the living room windows and listen to my windchimes and look at the mountains....can it get any better? Oh yes it can! I took my youngest to DMV and got his permit...so now I can have my driver until they will give me the "ok" to drive. God just works things out like that!

Well, we didn't get the chance to go see Courageous at the theaters so last night we watched it as a family. I must say that it was just such an awesome movie and really made you think about being a dad and what that means. But for me...I'm a daughter and mother so I was thinking about how my dad impacted me. I couldn't stop thinking about it all night. I am amazed at when I think about the environment that my dad grew up in and how he didn't want to be like his father with his kids. His dad was a very abusive alcoholic and all he knew was that he wanted to be there for his kids and invest in their lives where his dad had not. I'm thankful for my father that grandpa got saved before he died and dad was able to develop a relationship with him before he was gone. But how dad gave of himself for us to be what he didn't have just really hit me last night. I know that dad was far from perfect but I am so thankful for the sacrifices he made for us. We always lived paycheck to paycheck and dad had to work sometimes multiple jobs until he finally got on at Westreco (a research lab for Nestle) but every night was time with his family no matter how tired he was. My dad's love language was quality time. Gosh, am I thankful for that!! I now share that love language with my children because of him.

There are sooo many good memories of the crazy things dad would do to spend time with us....like when mom would go to the bedroom for the night, dad would call us all into the living room and tell us we were going to play hide and seek in the dark. We lived in the country so no security lights anywhere like today. All the lights would go off, he would put on this album of scary sounds( who knows where he got it!) and we would count while he hid and we would spend sometimes a couple of hours playing in the dark while each of us crawled around on our hands and knees looking for each other. The album playing hiding our sounds....it was just soooo much fun! The best hiding place dad found was on the barstools in the kitchen. We looked forever that night! You could hear him laughing...I loved it when he laughed so hard he wheezed. Then there were the games he would make up. And there were quite a few...the dictionary game, the story game, ....Yeah, I'm just really thankful that God gave me a father that wanted to be what his father was not. Even as I look back I realize that grandma was key in that. Her personality is truly my father's and her investment in her children was incredible! She was an incredible, godly christian woman that impressed upon her son an anchor in Christ.

One of the things that made such a huge impact on me were Saturday mornings with my dad. Everyone wanted to sleep in...except dad. He wanted to go have breakfast at the Amish restaurant and wanted some company. Well, everyone in the house wanted to take time to "get ready" so he would ask me to go with him so we could just get up and go. I remember the first time saying I needed to shower and he told me not to care about what others thought and just go. Then over breakfast he instructed me on the importance of how you let others dictate how you do what you do and why. I have never forgotten and it truly changed me. I gave my children the instruction of my father and am so thankful to see it passed down.

I found myself wanting to spend time with him, if he was in the garage working on the car I was there just listening to him explain what he was doing. Sometimes he would ask me to read to him while working. I remember reading Edgar Allen Poe while he was fixing the timing belt on the Gremlin. One night he couldn't figure out how to change one of the brake shoes because he didn't have the right tool. He stopped and prayed and within 5 min. God had showed him how to do what he needed to do and he stopped and thanked Him for it. I learned so much from my father. When I was in highschool my guidance counselor told me I could be a mechanic! I laughed out loud! No, I just listened while dad was working.

In a nutshell, my father was such a key to the anchor that I found in Christ I just had to share it. He is the reason I found Christ and the reason I wanted to teach others about Him. Thank-you Father for allowing Curtis Eugene Sagraves to be my father.