#  101

I didn't get good results from my scans on Friday.  If you have never been through it, it is hard to describe how it makes you feel.  I never break down or freak out and I know that is just me leaning on the Father, but it will eventually make the tears come.  My scans showed that it has grown quite a bit in my liver, I now have a spot in my right lung and it has started growing again in my bones.  I have now crossed over into scary.  I say that but you need to understand what is scary to me.  I'm not afraid to die at all.  That is going home for me.  But being in a lot of pain or turning neon yellow scares me because I DO NOT want my kids to see me like that!  I had a dear, sweet friend in Virginia who found tumors on her liver and she glowed yellow and was gone in 3months.  It was hard to watch, but so joyful to see her go in her sleep to be with our Savior.

I find that tears are always close to the surface.  Ben was in the kitchen cooking chili (it was awesome!)  when I walked in and he asked if he should add tomatoes and I said yes.  His response,"I'm so glad you are here to tell me how to do this right :)"  I burst into tears!  I hate the thought of leaving my best friend here or my kids here.  I want to help them in their life to come.  I want to be the helpmeet for my husband and I want to continue to be his confidant.  I know where I will be, but it is hard to imagine the hole I will leave.  Okay Robin, God can take care of your family better than you can!  Say that again till you feel it in your toes!!

We do all we can to laugh and praise God through all of this, my youngest said, "How unfair that you get to skip out early and miss everything getting worse until the rapture!!"  I responded with..."hate that for ya!"  We all laughed, then Patsy started crying.  My boys try to be strong and
are happy when I start joking...it is just too close to the surface.  Or should I say too close to the heart.  I just never dreamed this would be happening to me at the ripe young age of 42.  We wanted to be young when we had our kids so we would be young when they had their kids.  I always regretted that my father never had a chance to meet my kids. He would have loved them!  Now there is a big possibility that my kids will say that about me.

Okay, here is where I get into trouble....God can still cure me if He wants too.  I can't dwell on the what if's.  It will depress me too much and on the flip side if I focus too much on Heaven then I won't want to fight to stay here!  Is that crazy?!!  Father, please help me to be ready for either eventuality.  I can do this with your help but only Yours.  Thank-you for the prayers, I have needed every single one of them!  I love you all, my friends and family.