#  88

You know it is hard to convey to the rest of the world how it feels to deal with physical issues everyday.  It is a constant reminder that I am fighting cancer.  And the crazy thing is that it can keep you down if you struggle with focusing on the positive.  My personality type has never been to focus on the sad or negative and I realize that for others it is a real issue.  I wish there was some way to encourage people to focus on what is here and now.  I want to keep my focus on the fact that I am still here and able to be a part of my family's life.  I turned 42 last week and I had one of the ladies at church ask me if I was telling people how old I was.   Really?  I am shouting to people how old I am!!! I am still here and sooo thankful that I am, it is a total joy to be getting older!!  I want gray hair because that means I'm still here!!  Okay, having said all that, it brings me back to my original comment....dealing with physical issues.  I had VBS all last week and we had two teens boys from our youth group at our last church come in to visit unexpectedly.  So I was on my feet all last week with no time to be off my feet at all.  Guess what that meant?  Lymphodema here I come!!  My leg started to swell and it wasn't my hip that was giving my trouble it was my knee!  There was so much fluid on my knee I couldn't stand to sit in the pews!!  The pressure pushing on my thigh when I would sit was almost unbearable!  Soooo....I just got through the program Sunday morning and it was home with me on the couch with my leg propped up and it was staying that way as long as it needed to be.

Dealing with the physical can get so discouraging because I have to have others help me...I need help off the couch because there is so much fluid on my knee that it won't bend to support my weight.  How insane is that?!!  The crazy little physical issues start to pile up and then if i'm not careful...it will get very discouraging. On top of this crazy busy VBS week I had an allergic reaction to one of my chemo's.  I started to break out in a rash on the top of my head.  And the rash was starting to show up on my legs, neck, arms....I was carrying around a back scratcher with me everywhere and if I took my hat off I was red as a beet.  Well, how do you stay positive?  I get to wake up every morning to an ache in my hip, it is usually what wakes me up in the morning.  Not the sun shining into my bedroom, but the ache in my hip.   I have to sleep with a pillow between my knees so the scarred muscles in my hip don't pull to much on that hip and make it impossible to go to sleep in the first place.

As I lay here with my leg propped up since i'm still trying to get that fluid off my knee...I'm trying to convey that if I let myself I could be in tears every day saying "Woe is me..."  or  "why me?".   The emotional battle can be brutal.  I had someone ask me if all the sacrifices I have had to make from the "medication" was worth it.  Again...Really?  I am still here!!!  I shouldn't be!  I have come to realize and accept the fact that God has taken me down this road from chemo, to natural, to both and through it all He has used whatever He has wanted to control what is going on inside of me.  Mostly it has been faith and trust.  I want Him to receive all the glory so I will do whatever He wants me too.  And if that means that I must endure pain every day, than I will!!!  If I get diarrhea, lose all my hair and nails, lymphodema, am covered in a rash from head to foot, then so be it!   Who am I to complain about what God wants me to endure?  And I actually have soooo much to be thankful for even with all of these physical issues that I have to deal with.  There is still sooo much that I CAN do!  So when I get that momentary lapse in positive and I feel like crying I look at my husband, my children, my teens, my church....and remember that this is my path that the Lord has chosen for me.  I can go through this with Him, He hasn't left me and I don't have to be alone.  He truly loves me and wants the best for me and my family and when the pain or inability to move bring me down I have to remind myself He is right here with me...holding my in His hands.  I am His, He is mine.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.