BLOG # 43
Where do I begin? This week has been one of the more longer weeks and has gotten rather blurry with all of the pain and monotony. When I started my radiation the doc said I could have flare up in my hip. That was very much an understatement. It feels like someone has set my bone on fire, which I guess they have. It has made walking, standing, using the bathroom, even lying down incredibly uncomfortable. So I try to move around as little as possible. It makes for very long days. On the flip side, all the meds I'm on make me loopy and I can barely stay awake to watch a movie or read a book.
Something unusual happened this week as well. I developed a fever of unknown origin. Thursday I started running a low grade fever and it just kept gradually going up. I started to feel worse and worse and it didn't matter that I took any fever reducers. Talk about adding fuel to the flame! You know how you get achy feeling when you get a fever? Try adding that ache to bones that already hurt! I wanted someone to drag me out to the field and shoot me like a wounded horse. Needless to say I called everyone to ask what I should do. My doc was finally able to call me back and I was to the point of going to the emergency room when he called me in a prescription of antibiotics. My father in law went to get the meds and thank the Lord he did because I was at the limit of my pain tolerance. At about three in the morning my fever broke which left me in a pool of water but instant relief in my hips. I've never been so thankful for antibiotics in my life!
I went to the doc the next morning and we ran all kinds of tests. I don't know the results yet but hopefully we'll know something soon. While we were there he just reaffirmed the certainty of the end that is drawing near.
It's weird how you get to this place and you don't feel afraid, just sad at what it all means. I can't feel regret. God has been so good to me. All I've ever wanted is to know my children love and trust God. I've known my husband does but to see my children mature in Christ has meant more to me than anything else. And then I have all these wonderful other blessings. My siblings call and we talk about sharing colors (for those of you who have read the Shack), seeing our Father again, and seeing the nieces and nephews when I get there. Then there's the conversations of seeing my sister in law for the first time, and even Ben's grandparents. There is so much happiness on the other side! So, I've made some decisions!
I want my funeral to be happy! I told my kids they need to wear white, and I'm thinking about hiring a big mariachi band for my funeral !!! Hahaha!!! Wouldn't that be great? I mean why not let it be a celebration? Patsy said, "No pain, no gain." "You must be gaining something huge!" Of course I am, It's Heaven!!
I know the worst part is for the ones who are left behind, but I want them to know and remember that my fight has been only to do the will of the Father. I trust him with everything. Even my death. I hope no one looses hope or faith over this. That is exactly what I don't want to happen. As my sister in law so aptly states, He knows the number of my days whether cancer related or not. And I'm totally ok with that. I just want everyone else to be as well. I'm looking forward to sharing my colors. I'm looking forward to seeing my children, their spouses, and my grandchildren on the other side. And I'm just going to be sitting around making my husbands mansion look more beautiful for when he gets there. Maybe I'll set out an extra big bowl of gravy. :)
