Blog #47

I had a revelation that I wanted to share.....God has been dealing with me on so many levels but it all became so clear as the weeks have passed that I realized it has changed me. Completely from the inside out. After moving to East Tennessee my cancer has just gotten out of control and I reached a level of do chemo of cross into eternity. My doctor actually told me that what I was doing naturally wasn't helping at all, my tumor marker numbers were tripling and then the pain became so unbearable that I was forced to bed with pain meds as a constant diet to just make it through the day and night. And it barely did that. I did three weeks of radiation losing weight at an unhealthy rate (pain meds and cancer kept me sick and throwing up, nothing stayed down) hoping to ease the pain enough that I might be able to just walk around again without needing someone to almost carry me from place to place. I went two months in bed with nothing but thinking to occupy my mind.

The attack of the mind is acute and painful, but I found, oh so necessary. Here I am lying in bed feeling more worthless than I've ever felt in my life. My whole world has revolved around ministry and my home. I wanted to be involved in ministry since before I was even married. So when I got married I jumped in with both feet. Here is my list of what I was involved, or should I say, what I felt like defined me as who I am.

Teen ministry- Sunday school, Wednesday night bible study, camp, VBS(for teens), youth retreats, Drama, lock-ins

Women's ministry- Woman's Auxiliary, Ladies retreat, bible studies, lock-ins, Drama,

Choir, Drama director,

then came Pastor's wife...

Children's Church Director, youth leader, praise and worship team, Ladies Sunday school teacher, etc, etc, etc,

I can almost keep going....I keep remembering more and more that I was involved in. Oh, church softball and volleyball leagues. (they were awesome!)

Even when I found out I had cancer it didn't slow me down, my ministry was what defined me, or so I thought. But then I took a turn for the worse....and it all went away.

As I laid there day after day an invalid, with nothing that I could do on my own and nothing to offer I was beginning to feel in-valid. Everything that I felt defined me for who I was was taken away. I was no longer a pastor's wife, a teen leader, a worship leader, a women's leader, I had nothing to offer, not even as a mother. My children were taking care of their sick mother, not me taking care of them. I couldn't even be a wife. I had nothing to contribute, nothing to offer, even as a daughter-in-law in my in-laws home. God very gently stripped everything out of my life that I had believed made me who I am, of defined me. So I lay there even to the point of being afraid to talk to God....there was nothing left to me just a shell. I was wrong.

In God's way that only He can do, He spoke my name. He told me oh so gently, to my spirit that He didn't need all that I have to offer to love me. He loved me, not what I can do for Him, He loved me. The Creator and Lover of my soul made me to love me! Wow! What I do in return has nothing to do with how He loves me! How simple, and yet so profound! I began to see the value in me, just me, nothing else, because it is just me that He loves. What I offer back in love is freely accepted but it doesn't make Him love me more! He already loves me more!!!! As I slowly let this love fill me I ran across some verses in Revelation talking about the name that God has just for me. My new name that I know will define who I really am in Him. Talk about goose bumps! He knows my name, who I really am ...in Him and I can't wait to know it! It is just me! Let me lay aside all my titles, let me embrace this story He has written for me, this story of Grace and realize that I want to give all that I have out of love back to Him, but it doesn't make Him love me more, He already loves me more than I can possibly fathom! And just realizing that has SET ME FREE!!!

We go through our christian walk thinking if I do this, or that....no! Stop right there! Listen to Him, He loves you ...Period! Give back out of love, but it doesn't make you who you are, He makes you who you are, He has created you to love you, the Lover of your soul! Let Him show just how much!

I thank God for my months of bedridden solitude! It set me free.

Blog #46

I must say I keep coming back to feeling like this is so much more than a physical attack on my body. Some days are just so emotionally draining! I had such a good time last night with my family and just hearing us all together and the laughter was like a medicine that my soul needed! But one little accident (spilled coke) and I'm feeling like a worthless piece of dog doo doo! It never ceases to amaze me how much it drains me emotionally to be battling this cancer. When I don't feel good it feels like I have a web of cotton strung across my mind. It is hard to even imagine times when I felt good physically....like playing volleyball or softball. Like my body can't even remember what that felt like. I will try to remember hiking across the prairie with my kids and it's like I can only imagine struggling not really doing it.... How is that fair!!? It makes me want to pull out albums... which are of course packed away in storage. So the mental goes on and on!

So now I find that every Tuesday the cycle with start over with this web of cotton draped over my brain...and by the weekend it starts to lighten up. This is going to be difficult. But I would like to do something to counter it, I'm just not sure what. I have three weeks of chemo and one week off. Boy, those two weeks will feel like Heaven!! Maybe that is the week we will be moving...I need to check that out. Boy! Say some prayers for the move...that makes me feel totally worthless! I am trying not to feel that way but it is extremely difficult! Anywho, having a place of our own will feel almost foreign at this point. It will really be nice. :)

Blog #45

Well I turned 41.....Does that say it all? It fell on a Sunday and I was in bed all day with a fever and felt like doo doo. BUT, I am still here! That is the point, right? Monday was a different day, I felt tired a queasy but I was able to get up a move around a little. We had some visitors, which shall remain nameless....it was very different. I'll leave that one in God's hands. Tuesday rolled around faster than I wanted it to get here. I was very depressed to even think about starting chemo again. I feel like coming full circle is such an understatement. I have done, religiously, all that I know to do naturally. It was like I was throwing feathers at a brick wall. The cancer was advancing faster than ever before. What changed? Nothing, I even got more strict with my natural remedies. So, now it became a question of chemo again. I prayed then turned to my family. If I kept going down the road I am on, the end would come quickly. I left the decision up to them, so here I am with chemo running through my veins again. But, who am I to not try everything for my family? I was dying quickly, maybe God is chuckling at our presumption that we have all the answers. He can use whatever He wants to slow this down. So I get the incredible luxury of trusting Him, no matter what. There is definitely a peace in that. I guess that is the hard part for most people. Trusting when it doesn't make sense. But isn't that the point? Who cares what sense it makes to us? It only matters that He knows. So I get to just sit back and focus on getting stronger. I'll fight, never ceasing because I love my family and I'd like to see some weddings and maybe some grandkids. But secretly? I'm praying for the rapture! Boy! Now that would be an answer to prayer!!!!