Blog #51

I was thinking about my last blog and I hope I am sharing what people need to hear to know that I am only human and God can help you through whatever you are going through as well. I realize that this hits women much more personally and I hope I can be a blessing, or should I say God through me, because it is not me.

I was getting out of the shower this morning and getting ready for my treatment in a couple of hours when I glanced in the mirror. Mistake ....... It is hard to look at a body covered in scars and not feel ugly. I have gained weight which I needed to do, but being thin was nice, and I felt like I was fitting in to a different crowd. All those who struggle with weight know exactly what I mean. To be able to go to Walmart and look at the clearance rack for "normal" sizes is almost euphoric when it has been a long time since you have been in that size bracket. Then to slowly go back up the scale? That is just irritating! I know that the steroids are making it hard, but it gets under your skin to your heart! Here I am looking pudgy and scarred! How can my husband possibly see any beauty?

Well, reading and praying this morning are good for my doubts. God has just the way of revealing to my heart how He loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. He made me and He showed me ever so gently that He thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. Let that sink in......no matter what!! It definitely effects what I do and how I feel about myself. Even in my sin and shame He thought I was beautiful and worth saving. How do we process that as humans? We should engrave it on our hearts, our hands and foreheads!!!! I am beautiful to God and He loves me no matter what....even with scars, no hair and overweight? YES!!!! Gosh, I can put on my princess dress and dance for my Father because I'm beautiful and He loves me!!! Now when the devil comes calling and he surely will, I just need to mentally pull out the dress and dance.

This cancer is ugly and the battle is daily and constant, but I can hold the hand of my Father, and know that everything is okay. My confidence is in Him and I need not look at myself with disgust, I need to see the beauty He created ...... me.

I love you Father and I need you, every day.