# 61

My Dad's brother passed away this week. I haven't seen him in years, but my sister has been to see him and I have seen pics and kept up on facebook. It is weird how fragile life is and how quickly things can change and it leaves me feeling very introspective. My Uncle had a massive stroke and it was just a couple of months before he passed away. I had an aunt who found out she had breast cancer and it had already entered her lymphatic system. She was 38 years old. She didn't make it and my cousins lost their mother. It is hard to look at circumstances and see any rhyme or reason and yet I know that there is a reason. I can't see it but there is a Master Planner. My life has been a crazy roller coaster ride and when I start to look at the details I can see that there is a Master. Every step I have taken has led to the next step. Even through pain and tears when I didn't understand, I can look back now and see things so much more clearly. It would be so easy to get mad at God and blame Him for my troubles. But I just can't!

When I look at every stage of my life I see people and circumstances that have occurred because we make our own choices. There have been things that have happened that I have cried and begged God to know or understand why...but I haven't received an answer. The crazy thing is that I have stopped asking. As my husband always says, "People do what they want to do." So asking why things have happened to us ... it is simple. People do what they want to do. But, God allows things to happen and that begs the question...why? Everything I read in scriptures clearly shows that God allows things to happen for us to learn and grow in Him. So no matter how personal some attacks may feel they will help me draw closer to Him if I want to draw closer to Him. (people do what they want to do) Even when the attack isn't from a person....aka cancer.

My Uncle had a massive stroke...but he received Christ as his personal Savior. Did it take the stroke to get his attention? It looks that way, and if it did? Praise God for the stroke! Funny, I find myself praising God for my cancer because of how it has changed me and my family. When we start to realize that there is a Master Planner and that all things truly do work together for good to them that love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose, then we just start looking for the lesson to be learned. The stings and barbs from people aren't so devastating because people do what they want to do and God allows it. It truly is how we trust God that makes the difference.

Ben and I have had a lot of people try to hurt us over the years, including family. And even fighting cancer has felt very much like an attack....but, God works in our lives in such a way that through the storms I can feel His presence. I have felt His presence through every storm and I have come to depend on Him in ways I don't know how to put into words. I trust Him. And I truly believe that that is the main goal. When we trust Him, we don't worry, fear, hesitate...we have faith and hold on. What better lesson to learn than to trust God with every aspect of our lives. Even in death I trust the Father.

So when this life is over for me, I will get to go to Heaven and see my family...my uncle, my aunt, my dad....and sooo many more!!

# 60

I am sitting here thinking of all that I have been through and it just amazes me to look back and see how God has moved and worked in my life. I was talking to a friend the other day and we were taking a small trip down memory lane to discuss all the stages that I have been through...even when discussing with doctors or people that I am meeting for the first time they look at me with incredulity when I start to list all that has happened to me. I am thankful for all the experience and what it has taught me but I am also thankful for being able to write down all the details as well. I truly don't want to forget any of it. I feel like an Israelite in that regard. I need to keep my stones of remembrance so I won't forget what the Lord has done.

I think every stage has been for a reason and whether I or someone else has learned something it has been worth it. My view has changed so much that it seems incredible when I think about it. My numbers were up twelve points on my last visit and it kept me thinking and praying for quite a while. I don't feel afraid, just secure. That sounds weird to say out loud...but I have been so near death so frequently and seen how clearly that God is in control, that I just can't feel worried. If God wants to take me home nothing I or anyone else can do will make a difference. And the awesome part is that if I did get to go home (aka Heaven) I know it would be the best thing for me and my family because He has a perfect plan for me and them. I guess the best thing for me that has changed is that I truly trust Him....and with my life no less :)

So my daily frustrations seem so small...and yet human nature can take its toll and I find myself feeling frustrated or even depressed then God reminds me that it really isn't bad at all. I will see something that I have kept for that very reason and get tickled when I see it. I keep reminders around, but God has a way of bringing them into view just when I need to see them. I find myself feeling so full of fault and completely unworthy! I just hope others can see that even though He has taken care of me I am no one special. I don't ever want to be quiet about what He is doing in my life because He has made Himself so visible.....

Any who....It is getting late and I have chemo tomorrow. There has been a lot going on in my life and I just feel like this might be the beginning :)

# 59

I have no clue what is going on, but it is becoming very clear that the devil is attacking. And I don't mean little things, he seems to be doing everything he can to destroy us. On the 13th of Dec. I backed into a guy but it wasn't my fault and I had a witness. On the 18th my husband was let go from his job, but it worked out okay. On the 31st our van was stolen from our back yard within minutes of my daughter being in the wrong place at the wrong time but recovered in two hours. On the 2nd of Jan my daughter does a 360 into a guard rail but doesn't hurt herself or the car. Then there is a huge lack of communication in getting our van back on the 10th which will cost us $450. But that is taken care of by the next morning. While getting the tires put on our van our son calls to let us know he was fired from his job. Doesn't know why and since it was through a temp agency they don't consider it firing just that he isn't right for the job. Sooooo, that gets us up to today.... I have no clue what God has in store for my son, but I am not worried, because it has been very apparent that every last one of these circumstances have been attacks and God has taken care of it. So I am waiting to see what he has in store for my son next.

But what I find myself asking is...what does God have planned for us that the devil is attacking so vehemently? Our lesson last week was on trust and the lesson this week is on provision. Coincidence? I think not!! Maybe God wants my husband to show his SS class that he practices what he preaches...I don't know. But what I do know is that God will take care of us and I trust Him. We have been through so much and even though all this hit us in one month, I know none of it is a surprise to God and He has plans as you can see with all that He worked out so far. My son will find a job and it will be okay. God knows our needs, not just wants but our needs. I am so thankful. And today I was studying from a book by Rand Hummel talking about living without fear. Trusting that God loves us more than the birds and takes care of their every need. How much more so will He take care of us? That is truly what keeps me calm and trusting in Him!! Whew! I can't wait to blog again at how God is providing! :)

# 58

I have had a very busy month and as you know, it can wear me down. I have been feeling quite tired and trying to catch up on some sleep, not working! I get sore in my hip bones. If you are 40 or older you will understand that without cancer being a factor. Ha! Ha! But cancer is a factor for me so I try to deal with it. It isn't easy. The lymphodema in my right hip can make my hip sore and hard to lay on, then there is the scar tissue as well. So if I lay on my right side it is not for long. Laying on my left side is fine but without a break it gets to feeling achy as well. So....I toss and turn. I don't get too much undisturbed sleep .... ever.

I was trying to get my jeans off the other night and had a hard time bending over because I was swollen from a long weekend. It is just amazing how the little things will bring frustration and sometimes tears. I don't like feeling helpless or having to depend on someone else. But there are times that I just need help. I can do almost everything by myself, but taking off my right boot? Gotta have someone. It definitely keeps me in the frame of mind that I need to depend on God. Sometimes depending on others is a reminder of how to do that. Even in that I see God's hand.

Well, we will be able to get our van back tomorrow but just three days after it was stolen, my daughter hit some black ice and did a 360 into a guard rail with the expedition. I must say we all had the same feelings again. God must have had His hands around her! The guard rail was in front of a 50 ft. drop off. She literally walked in the door and said, "Satan must want me dead!" Well, he can't have her because God obviously wants her alive! It is just wonderful to know that my families lives are in God's hands. When there is nothing I can do, I can trust God and know that my family is truly in His hands.

Soooo, we have started off the new year with stolen vehicles, accidents, job changes, ..... I think God is going to have big things in store for us this year. And you know what? I am looking forward to it! This weeks lesson was on Trusting God. Okay, just so you all know....I trust God. And I can't wait till my doctor tells me I am officially in remission!!