# 60

I am sitting here thinking of all that I have been through and it just amazes me to look back and see how God has moved and worked in my life. I was talking to a friend the other day and we were taking a small trip down memory lane to discuss all the stages that I have been through...even when discussing with doctors or people that I am meeting for the first time they look at me with incredulity when I start to list all that has happened to me. I am thankful for all the experience and what it has taught me but I am also thankful for being able to write down all the details as well. I truly don't want to forget any of it. I feel like an Israelite in that regard. I need to keep my stones of remembrance so I won't forget what the Lord has done.

I think every stage has been for a reason and whether I or someone else has learned something it has been worth it. My view has changed so much that it seems incredible when I think about it. My numbers were up twelve points on my last visit and it kept me thinking and praying for quite a while. I don't feel afraid, just secure. That sounds weird to say out loud...but I have been so near death so frequently and seen how clearly that God is in control, that I just can't feel worried. If God wants to take me home nothing I or anyone else can do will make a difference. And the awesome part is that if I did get to go home (aka Heaven) I know it would be the best thing for me and my family because He has a perfect plan for me and them. I guess the best thing for me that has changed is that I truly trust Him....and with my life no less :)

So my daily frustrations seem so small...and yet human nature can take its toll and I find myself feeling frustrated or even depressed then God reminds me that it really isn't bad at all. I will see something that I have kept for that very reason and get tickled when I see it. I keep reminders around, but God has a way of bringing them into view just when I need to see them. I find myself feeling so full of fault and completely unworthy! I just hope others can see that even though He has taken care of me I am no one special. I don't ever want to be quiet about what He is doing in my life because He has made Himself so visible.....

Any who....It is getting late and I have chemo tomorrow. There has been a lot going on in my life and I just feel like this might be the beginning :)