#  82

I went in for a regular treatment today and found out that my tumor marker numbers are on the rise again.  When they found out that my numbers were rising they ran some scans and found out it had gone to my brain and several lymph nodes in my abdomen.  Of course the focus was on my brain first so they radiated for three weeks while we put off the chemo.  When radiation was done they started me on a new chemo and for six weeks we tried a new chemo....to no avail.  My numbers have continued to climb from the 100's to 200's.  When I was at my worst I was in the 800's.

It is hard to describe how I feel after so many times of hearing bad news.  I think the doctor was expecting some tears or maybe surprise.  But we have been here before and we are still holding the hand of the one who made us.  Ironically it has a tendency to be more of a tired feeling than anything.  The battle with this cancer has been physically challenging but it has been much more of a mental battle than it's ever been physical.  I don't want to feel tired, I know that is something the devil would like for me to feel, he would love for me to just slow down.  But I am in God's hands, not just living in today with a little prayer here and there to Him. I am actually in His hands.  If I thought that He didn't know what the results were today than I have no relationship with Him at all.  I have learned to trust Him even in the darkest of moments and honestly we have been in some very dark places.  The dark of this news is that when cancer goes to the soft tissue, it can be very bad.  But the God who created me knows all this...and I trust Him.

What has a tendency to almost haunt me is sharing with my family.  Telling my siblings one more time that things aren't going well but have made another turn south... I hate sharing that kind of news.  The look in my kids eyes just when they were feeling safe.  I don't want them to be angry with God or to ever feel He doesn't know best.  It could get worse before it gets better, or it could just get worse.  I trust Him, so we will just wait and see.  The one that makes me the most emotional is my other half.  He is so attentive to all my needs and today when we hear again bad news, he has not left my side.  I find so many reasons why I want God to be merciful, and the one that makes me ache is my other half.  I just know how he is and how we complete each other.  Even saying this I feel selfish, how many have lost their spouses?  Who am i to want to stay when others have lost so much?  Okay, if I expand my wants to my children, it is almost overwhelming.  Then I think of my brother, we are very close and talk almost everyday.  In a small nutshell there is family history and I'm the only one that communicates with him.  It makes me very emotional to think about dying and him losing his sister.  I find myself praying for mercy and grace on so many levels.  Funny, it is not death I fear, I find that I think about how me not being here effects those left behind.

Father, I trust you, and I know that you know what is best, so I have to trust that if I stay or go that you will take care of those I love because you have taken care of me.  You do what is best for those you love, i'm so  thankful!  So I give my family to You, they are Yours anyway, I just have to let go.  So I let go...  And if you allow me to stay, I thank-You!!   And until my dying breath I will praise Your name!!

# 81

I'm so thankful that I feel as good as I do. But there are still moments when the emotions of where I struggle physically get me down. I was a big hiker and we would go every Friday and sometimes multiple times through the week. I miss being able to just get out and go. My son went on an all day hike with his girlfriend and I didn't realize how it would effect me. They came in late, (the van broke down) and they smelled of fresh air and were sun burnt. All those memories of hiking in MO and hiking in Dickson....it just made me cry. I didn't mean too, but it just all came out. Then I felt horrible because my husband has to pick up my emotional pieces. I would love to be able to move like I used to and not have to deal with this scar tissue and lymphodema, but I do. And most importantly, which is what I said through my tears, I am still here. That is truly the most important thing. I'm still here. God let's me enjoy today, so I am enjoying today and it has been a really good day! Ben made breakfast and invited friends over to share and we had just a wonderful morning sharing and laughing and eating and even running some errands. The windows and doors are open and it feels about 65-70 degrees outside. It has just been a wonderful day! And God let me enjoy it, today. I love how He takes care of me and doesn't just provide needs but wants as well. It is overwhelming how He loves us and we take advantage soooo often. God forgive us for our arrogance in not appreciating that He is the one who gives us every moment of every day.

I was at church a couple of weeks ago and feeling particularly unworthy when after church a dear friend came up and shared something that stopped me in my tracks. People are praying for me. No revelation there...then he said, "people are praying that might never pray for anything else." Then it hit me! He said, "Robin, they are talking to God everyday, because of you." I burst into tears. I just want to please Him and then He reminds me that He is using me how He wants and I need to stay willing. Ok...I'm willing. My road isn't easy, but He is with me and I don't have to do it alone. Thank-you, Father!!

# 80

I sometimes don't know how to put into words what I'm feeling so it takes me a while before I get on line and decide to blog. There are so many things that I deal with on a physical level then how it effects you emotionally and spiritually is something else all together. I will try to explain physically what is going on right now, then get into the emotional and spiritual side later.

I still have no side effects from the cancer in my brain as I previously mentioned in my last post. So what I have to deal with is literally how the steroids have effected my body. I mentioned that as well. So I have to deal with this lingering swelling that is around my face and neck, which you can see and feel, but then I have fluid around my abdomen. Not like you can see it, just looks like weight gain, but it makes it hard to breath. I've been overweight before, not the same. So there are times I just get out of breath. But the one thing that is just the most frustrating is the scar tissue in my hip, bottom, and back. It just makes walking uncomfortable but I know the walking is good to help keep it loosened up. So I will try to walk as much as I can (while having a hard time breathing) and use the steps as well. But as I stand, it gets uncomfortable like I have cardboard under my skin and it will almost feel like it is burning. So I will try to shift from foot to foot and arch my back a little. Now imagine....standing for 45 min while singing in the choir? I was so happy to sing! But I was ready to fall over when it was done!!

Dealing with the physical everyday can be distracting, but as I wake up and realize I am here to deal with it...I can't complain. I am here. That is it isn't it? I am here. Yes, I had a moment again of overwhelming gratitude. I have this wonderful family that loves me and supports me in ways I don't even know how to explain and I just can't thank God enough for it. I go through the "why's" a lot of times at night when it is just me and God, then in the morning when it's just me and Him again. I know He wants me to be willing and I am. And as I look at my life I can't comprehend how it effects others but I know He sees the whole picture I just see my portion. So I give Him all I have and cry at how He loves me and gives me the morning and I look at my family and thank Him for giving me today with them. I don't have to be here, that is soooo very clear! I should have died so many times over, but He chose to keep me here! I live and breath because He wants me too....and you know what? We go through this life thinking that we will have the next 20, 30, 40 years...but that is only if God wants you to have today, or tomorrow. Just because you don't cancer doesn't mean you shouldn't be thankful for today. A drunk driver could take you home on your way from work. We don't think like that, but because I have cancer everyone looks at me like I'm on borrowed time. I'm on GOD's time! And so are you....

I had a wonderful morning just me and my Father. I cried on His shoulder with overwhelming gratitude that He loves me and died for me and lives for me and cares for me and has given me today. He as given you today as well :)

# 79

I went in today to find out about my MRI while doing a chemo treatment. So funny how it all came about....I did my labs and then went and did my chemo then I was to go visit the doctor and discuss my MRI results. Well, I got done with chemo and went back over to see him and he walks in with a clip board with just a post it on it with my name. Ben and I rolled laughing! Okay, not much to report I guess? The doctor just laughed and said it was just to let him know who was in here everything was on the computer. So he said the only thing he wanted to discuss was how I was doing on my Gemzar. He said I was breezing through the treatments so I can do 3 on and 1 off, meaning weeks of treatments instead of 2wks on and 1wk off. My body is responding well and I feel really good. So that was really good news! Then he was going to let me go....we were like....uhhhh ...the MRI? It was so funny! So he went to the computer and pulled it up and read it and said there was no change. No growth and where it showed the hemorrhage they said you could see it but it was obvious that it was old blood and not anything new. He was so relaxed and not worried explaining all this that we were relaxed as well and laughing. He said that the radiation would continue to work and that there could definitely be more shrinkage. He was very glad I still had no symptoms and was relieved to see how well I was doing and feeling.

I am just amazed at how God works. It is in His time, in His way and I love to see how He moves. I know I am here because He wants me here. How should I respond to that? With a joy that is indescribable! I am in His hands and He loves me and cares for me in ways that are beyond my comprehension, just like today! I go in not knowing what exactly to expect just knowing that it will be okay. Then we talk to the doctor and God is there. The doctor is not worried and my body is responding well to the treatments and there is no new growth in my brain. Sounds like God's hands are all over it :))

I get to wake up tomorrow knowing once again that I am in the hands of my Father, My Creator, My Sustainer, My Savior, the Lover of my Soul! And He still wants me here :))