BLOG #42

My journey has take a quick and difficult U-turn. Three weeks ago they had a song service at our church to help with everything I'm doing naturally. It was an incredible service and you could feel the Spirit there so strongly. At the end of the service they laid hands on me and prayed for healing. I went home that night feeling encouraged and hopeful. But the next morning brought pain to the extent that I couldn't go to work. I stayed home that whole week with pain in my right hip and Ben said "Enough is enough. Call the doctor." So the next Tuesday I went to see the doctor and he scheduled an MRI for the fallowing Monday. I went two weeks without work and in a lot of pain and that's when I found myself in the presence of the Lord. For those of you who know me you know that my personality type is one who likes to have a say in the matter. I had two weeks with no children or husband around, just me and God. It was truly treasured times. His presence was so over whelming that I felt like one of the disciples in the boat during the storm while Jesus was sleeping. I wanted so much to calm the storm and contribute my two cents worth, but He said "Sweet heart, this is mine."

I needed to be content no matter what was going on. And the arrogance of myself to think I might have a say in how I should be healed. He is the potter, I'm just the clay. When I finally let go and trusted him on a whole other level, this cancer took on a whole new aggression.

I went from being able to do everything by myself to being in so much pain I can hardly walk across the room. My results showed that the cancer had gone from my bones to my marrow. The pain tripled instantly and my tumor maker numbers tripled as well. My husband and I quickly realized that for what ever reason, God is ready to take me home.

As soon as I found out the results that night I started to loose control of my bowels. I have numbness in my right cheek and thigh and have a hard time telling when I need to go to the bathroom. I wasn't expecting such fast symptoms but as soon as I had peace about God being in control, everything came over me like a tidal wave. I wish there was some way to keep my children from seeing the pain that I'm in but in a way I realize that they will be happy that my pain will be gone.

I truly have a peace that passes all understanding and I have no fear about going home. I know I'll see my family again and that gives me joy that is indescribable. The only thing that is frustrating at the moment is the pain medicine that keeps me loopy. If you look in my eyes they look glassy from being drugged up. That.... I HATE! But if I don't take the pain meds my family gets to see a crying and in pain mom, and that's not cool.

So I am going on Monday to try and radiate my hip and pelvic bone to give me some pain relief. I hope it works. I will try to keep every one updated daily so everyone will know how I'm doing. I appreciate the prayers but I appreciate the Father even more. He's been with me every step of the way. It's His hands that I feel around me and His peace I feel. It's nice to know that when I walk through those doors, it's His face that I'll get to see.

Blog # 41

I had a great weekend!! We had a benefit singing Saturday night at my in-laws church. It was a two hour cryfest!!!! LOL!! But Oh how God was there!!! It was scary stormy and tornadoes were touching down everywhere, but not where we were and it was so obvious that God was in our presence, it made it hard to breath, let alone sing! Which I boohooed my way through :) I am so thankful for God's timing and how He moves!! We needed the help at just the time He gave it, and we even had a prayer service to close with. I was anointed with oil and prayed over at the altar and you could definitely feel the presence of the Father.

But today, my son has a job, my daughter has a job, and my husband has a job. Life is hard, but God Is Good!!! I am ready for spring and warmer weather to stay and for us to move. Oh, God has provided a home as well! He just thinks of everything!! :) Praise God!!!

I am doubling up on some things because my numbers are up but the doc said that they should show a decrease by my next count which will be at the end of this month. I am just thankful that I don't have to worry and I know it's all in God's hands, no matter what!!

Blog #40

I am sorry for neglecting my blog duties. It has been very busy around here lately and with my husband needing the laptop in the evenings it is like buzzards when he walks in the door. I need to just schedule my time and then let the kids fight for it after I'm done. I just hate to keep them from it as well.

Anywho.... I have been doing so much better since I started my new hormone treatments. I hardly need pain meds now. I will go days without and usually if I do it is because I have aggravated my hip without realizing I did. I made a trip to Ohio which was like a medicine for my heart!! I got to spend time with my brother and sister it was awesome!! But driving there I was at the wheel too long (I got excited seeing and showing my kids where my Grandmother used to live in Kentucky) so I was hurting my first couple of days. But when I returned I was doing well.

Some days feel so hard and others so easy. I wish there was some way to explain it in simple terms, but a continual fight against death gets very tiring. I am so thankful that my in-laws church is so supportive. I have friends across the states who pray for me so much and I don't know how to tell people how much that helps me just to stay above water. And yes, it so often feels like treading water. It can wear me out like nothing else. Especially when I hurt, it's like screaming into my mind from Satan himself, "HA! HA! HA! You are going to lose this fight!!!!" Having prayer cover is the one thing that I know and can feel when it brings relief.

So true to the way God works, He has had my attention quite thoroughly over these past couple of months, and needless to say it has truly changed me. I find that I long to spend time with Him and it makes fighting this cancer so much easier. It feels like my fight it not just physical but spiritual. Like they are intertwined. Or maybe with each step physically it should have spiritual repercussions. Somehow the two feel intertwined. I'm okay with that. I know that if God is for me who can be against me? If God wants to save me there is nothing in heaven or earth that can stop Him. And what if He doesn't? I feel like the Hebrew children....I am not careful to speak to you on this matter! I know who holds my eternal future. But I feel like He is opening doors for me to share my story with the world. I will do whatever is in my power to glorify Him whether I stay or go! He is worthy and everyone needs to know that THAT is the truth!! The devil may truly try to take me out, but I'm not his, I'm God's.

My in-laws church is having a benefit singing for me Saturday night, total answer to prayer. The ladies have been sending cards of encouragement with gift cards to Ingles, another answer to prayer. My oldest son got a job, another answer.... and it looks like God has provided a home for us.....ANOTHER ANSWER TO PRAYER!!! I am seeing a beautiful pattern!!!! Anyone else?!?!

I am trying not to be amazed when God answers prayers, but I think He likes to amaze us and to see us get excited and shout and dance around for Him. I have been dancing a lot for Him lately :) He is healing me from the inside out...lol!!! Heart, mind, soul....then body! I am excited to get to the point where I can say just that, because I feel that is just what is happening. I am His to do with as He pleases. And He is MINE!!