# 93
It is strange to have such good news then know that my doctor has scheduled an MRI and PET scan to check out what is going on inside my body. The devil will do what ever he can to cause me to doubt. My numbers are going down and I feel better but my mind will start to wander and I hear the "what if's" in my mind. That is when I have to look to my Father and remember, read and pray those promises He has given to me. They aren't mans promises, but His and because they are His they are unbreakable. How comforting is that for anyone that needs hope? He has my life in His hands and I trust what He has already prepared for me. It reminds me of my sister's song, "Story of Your Grace". I don't think she'll mind if I type out the words for you...
I was on Your mind before the world began
Gently You formed me when I was in Your hand
And I know You made me, whom I'm meant to be
And I hope that I will live this dream You have for me
So I know I have to try...and I know You're on my side
Chorus:
Because You gave me a name, called me Your own
You wrote my life with the power of Your love
Now my life's a song of endless praise
You have written every single page
I'm a story of Your grace.
You know everything about me but you loved me anyway
And there is strength in knowing that's not going to change
So I'll go if You send me even if I'm afraid
I know that I can trust You so I'm stepping out in faith
This mountain I will climb and I know I will survive! (Woo! Hoo! Praise God!!!)
Bridge:
You know everything about me but You loved me anyway
So I'll go where you send me .....
(back to chorus)
Chorus:
Because You gave me a name, called me Your own
You wrote my life with the power of Your love
Now my life's a song of endless praise
You have written every single page
I'm a story of Your grace!
(written by Patina Ripkey my wonderful big sister)
This song is my testimony and when I hear her CD I can't listen to this song without the tears rolling down my face. Read it again and know that it is true for you as well. We are written with the power of His love....Praise God!!! So as I face my cancer I know that I am in His hands what He wants for me is what I want for me. He is doing the writing! And with all my near death experiences I see His hand or should I say script in every part of it! I am excited to see what the new scans show because I know God has my life in His hands. Thank-you Father, and may I glorify you till the day I die and beyond! "Now my life is a song of endless Praise!"
Monday, July 30, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
# 92
Guess What?!?! My tumor marker numbers are down 50 pts!! They check my levels once a month and last month they had gone up a little which we knew it probably would till the chemo kicked in. I was feeling really good so neither Ben nor I were surprised, but we sure were happy!! I can't tell how good it feels to know my life is in God's hands. Just knowing that even if I had received a bad report, I am His to do with as He sees fit. On the flip side it thrills me that He allows me to still be here. I have been feeling a little better every day, well except today...the A/C went out. And it makes it hard to move and breath!! To top it all off, we are having a bean dinner tonight, so on the stove is soup beans and I have to go make corn bread in just a minute. Shoot me with ice right now!!!
I am so thankful for everyone's prayers, I am certain that I would not be here without them. I can feel God's presence and the peace I feel I know only comes from Him. I hope those that read my blog understand that I can't do this on my own, it really is all God. I have days of sadness even when I have good news. It truly is only with God's help that I make it through every day. He amazes me! I love you, Father and I trust You!
Guess What?!?! My tumor marker numbers are down 50 pts!! They check my levels once a month and last month they had gone up a little which we knew it probably would till the chemo kicked in. I was feeling really good so neither Ben nor I were surprised, but we sure were happy!! I can't tell how good it feels to know my life is in God's hands. Just knowing that even if I had received a bad report, I am His to do with as He sees fit. On the flip side it thrills me that He allows me to still be here. I have been feeling a little better every day, well except today...the A/C went out. And it makes it hard to move and breath!! To top it all off, we are having a bean dinner tonight, so on the stove is soup beans and I have to go make corn bread in just a minute. Shoot me with ice right now!!!
I am so thankful for everyone's prayers, I am certain that I would not be here without them. I can feel God's presence and the peace I feel I know only comes from Him. I hope those that read my blog understand that I can't do this on my own, it really is all God. I have days of sadness even when I have good news. It truly is only with God's help that I make it through every day. He amazes me! I love you, Father and I trust You!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
# 91
I had a good doctor visit today. Not that I learned anything new, but it sure feels good to see my doctor at ease and smiling about all my reports. We went to get some lunch afterwards and I wasn't really in the mood for chinese so we decided to drive over to the other side of town which we are rarely on. I am soooo glad we did! Just as we were ready to quit looking and turn around .... there it was...a THAI FOOD RESTAURANT!!! It was a beautiful sight to behold! We had panang for lunch and it was wonderful :)) God has this wonderful way of bringing little things to our attention just for our enjoyment.
I had wonderful family time last week and enjoyed it so much but I have been struggling with a heaviness of spirit. I don't know quite how to explain it. It is a weight of everything that I don't know how to put into words. I wake up some mornings feeling weepy because it is a struggle to get out of bed. When I'm in bed it is a struggle to lay down without my hip hurting. It is a struggle to even roll over. But it is more...I would really like to touch my toes, I would like to play volleyball, have hair...you get the point. Then the other side...what if God decides to take me home? Well I know you can clearly understand why this one weighs on me but not in the way you might think. I trust God's decisions, but I think often about Ben and the kids and yet I don't feel like I am putting it in the right context. There are so many things going on with me physically that there isn't a moment of the day that it doesn't effect me. That with the emotional side make it hard to think clearly some days. I have been very busy lately and that is good, but this heaviness is just there. It isn't depression, I am so happy and thankful to be here and I love to have a good laugh...it is deeper than that. This is too hard to explain. Maybe I am just tired.... LOL! I'm always tired. :))
I was reading Streams in the Desert on July 7th and was humbled by God's amazing grace. I want to share it with you. The small problem is that the 8th and 9th go along with it so I am going to share all three. :))
July 7th
He made me into a polished arrow. (Isaiah 49:2)
Pebble Beach, on the California coast, has become quite famous for the beautiful pebbles found there. The raging white surf continually roars, thundering and pounding against the rocks on the shore. These stones are trapped in the arms of the merciless waves. They are tossed, rolled, rubbed together, and ground against the sharp edges of the cliffs. Both day and night, this process of grinding continues relentlessly. And what is the result?
Tourists from around the world flock there to collect the beautiful round stones. They display them in cabinets and use them to decorate their homes. Yet a little farther up the coast, just around the point of the cliff, is a quiet cove. Protected from the face of the ocean, sheltered from the storms, and always in the sun, the sands are covered with an abundance of pebbles never sought by the travelers.
So why have these stones been left untouched through all the years? Simply because they have escaped all the turmoil and the grinding of the waves. The quietness and peace have left them as they have always been--rough, unpolished and devoid of beauty--for polish is the result of difficulties.
Since God knows what niche we are to fill, let us trust Him to shape us to it. And since He knows what work we are to do, let us trust Him to grind us so we will be properly prepared.
July 8th
They will soar on wings like eagles. (Isaiah 40:31)
There is a fable about the way birds first got their wings. The story goes that initially they were made without them. Then God made the wings, set them down before the wingless birds, and said to them, "Take up these burdens and carry them."
The birds had sweet voices for singing, and lovely feathers that glistened in the sunshine, but they could not soar in the air. When asked to pick up the burdens that lay at their feet, they hesitated at first. Yet soon they obeyed, picked up their wings with their beaks, and set them on their shoulders to carry them.
For a short time the load seemed heavy and difficult to bear, but soon, as they continued to carry the burden and to fold the wings over their hearts, the wings grew attached to their little bodies. They quickly discovered how to use them and were lifted by the wings high into the air. The weights had become wings.
This is a parable for us. We are the wingless birds, and our duties and tasks are the wings God uses to lift us up and carry us heavenward. We look at our burdens and heavy loads, and try to run from them, but if we will carry them and tie them to our hearts, they will become wings. And on them we can then rise and soar toward God.
There is no burden so heavy that when lifted cheerfully with love in our hearts will not become a blessing to us. God intends for our tasks to be our helpers; to refuse to bend our shoulders to carry a load is to miss a new opportunity for growth. J. R. Miller
No matter how overwhelming, any burden God has lovingly placed with His own hands on our shoulders is a blessing. Frederick William Faber
July 9th
I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction. (Isaiah 48:10)
Doesn't God's Word come to us like a soft rain shower, dispelling the fury of the flames? Isn't it like fireproof armor, against which the heat is powerless? Then let afflictions come, for God has chosen me. Poverty, you may walk through my door, but God is already in my house, and He has chosen me. Sickness, you may intrude into my life, but I have a cure standing ready--God has chosen me. Whatever occurs in the valley of tears, I know He has chosen me.
Dear Christian, do not be afraid, for Jesus is with you. Through all your fiery trials, His presence is both your comfort and safety. He will never forsake those He has chosen for His own. "Do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Gen. 26:24) is His unfailing word of promise to His chosen ones who are experiencing "the furnace of affliction." Charles H. Spurgeon
I read these three and it was like the Holy Spirit poured across my heart and soul...I must go through what He lays upon me, but not alone, He has chosen me and I am His! The furnace is where I stand with Jesus by my side. I love you, my Father, my Savior, my King.
I had a good doctor visit today. Not that I learned anything new, but it sure feels good to see my doctor at ease and smiling about all my reports. We went to get some lunch afterwards and I wasn't really in the mood for chinese so we decided to drive over to the other side of town which we are rarely on. I am soooo glad we did! Just as we were ready to quit looking and turn around .... there it was...a THAI FOOD RESTAURANT!!! It was a beautiful sight to behold! We had panang for lunch and it was wonderful :)) God has this wonderful way of bringing little things to our attention just for our enjoyment.
I had wonderful family time last week and enjoyed it so much but I have been struggling with a heaviness of spirit. I don't know quite how to explain it. It is a weight of everything that I don't know how to put into words. I wake up some mornings feeling weepy because it is a struggle to get out of bed. When I'm in bed it is a struggle to lay down without my hip hurting. It is a struggle to even roll over. But it is more...I would really like to touch my toes, I would like to play volleyball, have hair...you get the point. Then the other side...what if God decides to take me home? Well I know you can clearly understand why this one weighs on me but not in the way you might think. I trust God's decisions, but I think often about Ben and the kids and yet I don't feel like I am putting it in the right context. There are so many things going on with me physically that there isn't a moment of the day that it doesn't effect me. That with the emotional side make it hard to think clearly some days. I have been very busy lately and that is good, but this heaviness is just there. It isn't depression, I am so happy and thankful to be here and I love to have a good laugh...it is deeper than that. This is too hard to explain. Maybe I am just tired.... LOL! I'm always tired. :))
I was reading Streams in the Desert on July 7th and was humbled by God's amazing grace. I want to share it with you. The small problem is that the 8th and 9th go along with it so I am going to share all three. :))
July 7th
He made me into a polished arrow. (Isaiah 49:2)
Pebble Beach, on the California coast, has become quite famous for the beautiful pebbles found there. The raging white surf continually roars, thundering and pounding against the rocks on the shore. These stones are trapped in the arms of the merciless waves. They are tossed, rolled, rubbed together, and ground against the sharp edges of the cliffs. Both day and night, this process of grinding continues relentlessly. And what is the result?
Tourists from around the world flock there to collect the beautiful round stones. They display them in cabinets and use them to decorate their homes. Yet a little farther up the coast, just around the point of the cliff, is a quiet cove. Protected from the face of the ocean, sheltered from the storms, and always in the sun, the sands are covered with an abundance of pebbles never sought by the travelers.
So why have these stones been left untouched through all the years? Simply because they have escaped all the turmoil and the grinding of the waves. The quietness and peace have left them as they have always been--rough, unpolished and devoid of beauty--for polish is the result of difficulties.
Since God knows what niche we are to fill, let us trust Him to shape us to it. And since He knows what work we are to do, let us trust Him to grind us so we will be properly prepared.
July 8th
They will soar on wings like eagles. (Isaiah 40:31)
There is a fable about the way birds first got their wings. The story goes that initially they were made without them. Then God made the wings, set them down before the wingless birds, and said to them, "Take up these burdens and carry them."
The birds had sweet voices for singing, and lovely feathers that glistened in the sunshine, but they could not soar in the air. When asked to pick up the burdens that lay at their feet, they hesitated at first. Yet soon they obeyed, picked up their wings with their beaks, and set them on their shoulders to carry them.
For a short time the load seemed heavy and difficult to bear, but soon, as they continued to carry the burden and to fold the wings over their hearts, the wings grew attached to their little bodies. They quickly discovered how to use them and were lifted by the wings high into the air. The weights had become wings.
This is a parable for us. We are the wingless birds, and our duties and tasks are the wings God uses to lift us up and carry us heavenward. We look at our burdens and heavy loads, and try to run from them, but if we will carry them and tie them to our hearts, they will become wings. And on them we can then rise and soar toward God.
There is no burden so heavy that when lifted cheerfully with love in our hearts will not become a blessing to us. God intends for our tasks to be our helpers; to refuse to bend our shoulders to carry a load is to miss a new opportunity for growth. J. R. Miller
No matter how overwhelming, any burden God has lovingly placed with His own hands on our shoulders is a blessing. Frederick William Faber
July 9th
I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction. (Isaiah 48:10)
Doesn't God's Word come to us like a soft rain shower, dispelling the fury of the flames? Isn't it like fireproof armor, against which the heat is powerless? Then let afflictions come, for God has chosen me. Poverty, you may walk through my door, but God is already in my house, and He has chosen me. Sickness, you may intrude into my life, but I have a cure standing ready--God has chosen me. Whatever occurs in the valley of tears, I know He has chosen me.
Dear Christian, do not be afraid, for Jesus is with you. Through all your fiery trials, His presence is both your comfort and safety. He will never forsake those He has chosen for His own. "Do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Gen. 26:24) is His unfailing word of promise to His chosen ones who are experiencing "the furnace of affliction." Charles H. Spurgeon
I read these three and it was like the Holy Spirit poured across my heart and soul...I must go through what He lays upon me, but not alone, He has chosen me and I am His! The furnace is where I stand with Jesus by my side. I love you, my Father, my Savior, my King.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
# 90
I have had a very busy past couple of weeks and haven't had a chance to blog. I got some crazy good news about my MRI. My brain scan showed no new growth and receding on multiple spots. Overall a very good report so I asked, "If it has improved, will it continue to improve?" I got a resounding, "YES!" Needless to say Ben and I and the rest of my friends and family are just overjoyed! I know that my God is in control and even if they reported it was worse, it would have been sad, but not scary. I trust Him with my life. :)) When we got home we had friends come in for the night with their kids. It was great to catch up with them! They were both in my teen/college class when I was back in Virginia and to see them married and successful with three beautiful children was such a blessing to me it is almost indescribable!! We sat out under the deck with a fire going and ate marshmallows then had waffles for breakfast in the morning before they headed back north. We talked and laughed the whole time...again I love to laugh!! :))
As we drew closer to the weekend I noticed that I wasn't feeling real well. Like nauseous, not feeling well. But those that know me know I am going to try to keep going, which I did. I was having a 31 party on Saturday. I had a great party and got to sit and chat with two ladies from church that I have wanted to chat with for a long time, it was a wonderful afternoon. :)) But after they left I went to lie down and it wasn't long before I was shivering with a low grade fever! I called in a prescription and my son went to pick it up Sunday afternoon and found out I could't take it with my chemo, I would have to change antibiotics. Which meant I would have to wait to see the doctor. Well the fever went away and Monday night my brother and his wife and four kids showed up at 11:30 pm. Oh Happy Day!!! We stayed up till 2am just catching up and laughing it was wonderful! The next day they went to Gatlinburg for their son's birthday while I went to the doctor. I got home that afternoon and was running another fever. I called back to the doc's and they called in another prescription that I could take. That evening we went to Wednesday night Bible Study and I taught the teens. The next day we went to the river with a natural sand bar and huge beach, it was perfect!!
The walk in and out was hard for me and by the time I got back to the truck I was absolutely exhausted! As my brother and his family left the next day I can't even describe the mix of feelings that went through me. I wish we lived closer, wished for more time, for more strength, for more mobility, and yet I was soooo happy that they came...I was crying.
I went to lay down as soon as they pulled out....I slept all day. But I had to get up at 4:45 to be ready to leave by 5:15 for a teen bonfire at the church that I was responsible for. I did a lot of setting up and then decided it was too hot to play outside (101 degrees out!).Soooo, we set up a projector and my husband got his sound equipment and we had a movie theater. They loved it! Then it was volleyball while I reff'd and they played till everyone was worn out :)))
Needless to say I barely stayed awake for the church service and I have been napping as often as I can since. My husband got all over me for not paying attention to my body...so much easier said than done. I get to doing something then realize after I'm past my tired point, that I went too far.
All that to get to this...I get great news and the emotions that I end up struggling with is the lack of mobility of my leg. I get tired easy and it is so hard to move, to bend over. I was showing my mother-in-law yesterday that I can touch my left foot's toes but not my right. So I can only ever get one sock on at a time. There are moments when the little things make me so weepy I can't keep it in. Hearing how sad my siblings feel that I can't get around like I used too. I have to focus on what I can do or else I would never be able to stop crying. I told my husband that I was going to look like an old man because my hair is coming in all around but not on top...well, just really slowly on top, almost non-existent. I have this strange patch on the back of my head that is shaped like a ballerina dancer that grows faster than anywhere else because it didn't get radiated. It is freaky looking. Oh well, it's hair. So I pick myself up by my boot straps and keep on trusting in the one who holds my tomorrow. He holds my hand and my tears. I'm so thankful that He loves me because I could not go a day without Him. I love you, Father and I trust you to know what I can and can't endure. :))
I have had a very busy past couple of weeks and haven't had a chance to blog. I got some crazy good news about my MRI. My brain scan showed no new growth and receding on multiple spots. Overall a very good report so I asked, "If it has improved, will it continue to improve?" I got a resounding, "YES!" Needless to say Ben and I and the rest of my friends and family are just overjoyed! I know that my God is in control and even if they reported it was worse, it would have been sad, but not scary. I trust Him with my life. :)) When we got home we had friends come in for the night with their kids. It was great to catch up with them! They were both in my teen/college class when I was back in Virginia and to see them married and successful with three beautiful children was such a blessing to me it is almost indescribable!! We sat out under the deck with a fire going and ate marshmallows then had waffles for breakfast in the morning before they headed back north. We talked and laughed the whole time...again I love to laugh!! :))
As we drew closer to the weekend I noticed that I wasn't feeling real well. Like nauseous, not feeling well. But those that know me know I am going to try to keep going, which I did. I was having a 31 party on Saturday. I had a great party and got to sit and chat with two ladies from church that I have wanted to chat with for a long time, it was a wonderful afternoon. :)) But after they left I went to lie down and it wasn't long before I was shivering with a low grade fever! I called in a prescription and my son went to pick it up Sunday afternoon and found out I could't take it with my chemo, I would have to change antibiotics. Which meant I would have to wait to see the doctor. Well the fever went away and Monday night my brother and his wife and four kids showed up at 11:30 pm. Oh Happy Day!!! We stayed up till 2am just catching up and laughing it was wonderful! The next day they went to Gatlinburg for their son's birthday while I went to the doctor. I got home that afternoon and was running another fever. I called back to the doc's and they called in another prescription that I could take. That evening we went to Wednesday night Bible Study and I taught the teens. The next day we went to the river with a natural sand bar and huge beach, it was perfect!!
The walk in and out was hard for me and by the time I got back to the truck I was absolutely exhausted! As my brother and his family left the next day I can't even describe the mix of feelings that went through me. I wish we lived closer, wished for more time, for more strength, for more mobility, and yet I was soooo happy that they came...I was crying.
I went to lay down as soon as they pulled out....I slept all day. But I had to get up at 4:45 to be ready to leave by 5:15 for a teen bonfire at the church that I was responsible for. I did a lot of setting up and then decided it was too hot to play outside (101 degrees out!).Soooo, we set up a projector and my husband got his sound equipment and we had a movie theater. They loved it! Then it was volleyball while I reff'd and they played till everyone was worn out :)))
Needless to say I barely stayed awake for the church service and I have been napping as often as I can since. My husband got all over me for not paying attention to my body...so much easier said than done. I get to doing something then realize after I'm past my tired point, that I went too far.
All that to get to this...I get great news and the emotions that I end up struggling with is the lack of mobility of my leg. I get tired easy and it is so hard to move, to bend over. I was showing my mother-in-law yesterday that I can touch my left foot's toes but not my right. So I can only ever get one sock on at a time. There are moments when the little things make me so weepy I can't keep it in. Hearing how sad my siblings feel that I can't get around like I used too. I have to focus on what I can do or else I would never be able to stop crying. I told my husband that I was going to look like an old man because my hair is coming in all around but not on top...well, just really slowly on top, almost non-existent. I have this strange patch on the back of my head that is shaped like a ballerina dancer that grows faster than anywhere else because it didn't get radiated. It is freaky looking. Oh well, it's hair. So I pick myself up by my boot straps and keep on trusting in the one who holds my tomorrow. He holds my hand and my tears. I'm so thankful that He loves me because I could not go a day without Him. I love you, Father and I trust you to know what I can and can't endure. :))
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