Blog # 27

Okay, went to see the evil oncologist on Thursday........and it was quite enjoyable!! My unsupportive husband came with me and it was great! I didn't talk until the very end and it was great to watch him squirm....tee! hee! He went right into wanting me to do chemo but my husband reminded him that he said it really wouldn't help. Then reminded him that he stated that when my ovaries were out it should stop the growth since it was estrogen that was making my cancer grow. He stuttered quite a bit. But my favorite was when he recommended another pill that is a blocker not chemo and my husband said he would like to take that info back to our primary care physician and have him look over it for us then help us decide if that is something we would like to do....there was silence. It was wonderful!!

He actually told us that he knew I wouldn't be dead by next summer he was just trying to scare me!! What in the world?!! Scare me into taking his treatments?! It just made me mad as fire!!! After we got the info on the pill he wants me to take he didn't come back into the room he sent a nurse to let us know all the disclaimers that come with it. There was a whole page of disclaimers and they were identical to when I was on chemo...... hair loss, nausea, fatigue, damage to my nail beds, possible liver damage, heart damage, etc. It was truly a joke. If this just affected my cancer cells it would be fine, but it will affect everything else! How does that help me? It even had in the warnings (and they were three pages long!!!!!) that I had to be careful with what supplements and vitamins that I take because it might counteract the pills. Okay, am I the only one that sees a problem with this?!

Needless to say, my husband and I will not be pursuing this means of treatment, but we did get him to admit that I should be having scans quite frequently and he should have already set one up for me since I got out of the hospital. I am excited about that! I don't have my ovaries in so everything I have been doing should really have been making a difference. I will let everyone know as soon as I know when the scans will be.

Even though he was changing his tune in front of my husband, I still don't like the guy. He really acts like he can bully me and then explain it off because he was trying to help. That is soooo wrong!!!

On the positive side.....I am feeling great!!! I don't have pain anywhere except for my neck and it is very minimal. Only when I turn to far and I am able to turn my head really well without much pain at all!! I don't have bone pain, just muscle and I am starting to wonder if it is more due to radiation than the tumor. Before radiation it was very painful in the muscle and bone, now it is no bone, and very little muscle.

God is sooooooooo Good!! Until later!!

Blog # 26

I am starting to believe that my oncologist wants me to die! He got irate with me and told me if I didn't take his chemo pills that I would be dead in six months!! Then he told me that my husband didn't support me and that he didn't even care enough to call him back! It made for a very irritating day to say the least! Who does he think he is to plant that thought in my mind? He has no clue what I do everyday to survive this cancer!!!!!! Then he had the unmitigated gall to call me after I left to recommend another pill I could take, not CHEMO, that should do just as well. Hmmmmmmm.......let me seee....... if I don't take the chemo pills I will die, but there is this other pill that should work pretty well!! Sounds like a cheesy used car salesman trick to me!! Take this or die!! Oh, by the way, something else might work......It made for a rough day. One of my dearest friends said, "let's show him what support really is!! Let's all go in on your next visit!! There won't be enough room for all of your support, husband included!!" Amen to that, sister!!

But I am thankful that I went to dive after that horrible visit! I got to the clinic and told my N.D.'s (natural doctor's) what had happened and they prayed over me. I was so thankful that I was there with doctors that love me and care about me and love God. There really aren't words to describe how that made me feel. I just realize that I want to tell people about them and support them as much as I can! Maybe the Lord will allow me to share with others as much as I can to bring in people who need them. I pray I can.

On the flip side a long time friend is coming in to visit this weekend and I can't wait to see her!! I have known her for 25yrs and it will be sooooo good to see her and not think about all this mental stress!! Definitely makes for a good weekend! Ahhhhh!

I guess I'll go take my herbs, vitamins, ozone, etc.....then go to bed. LOL!!

Blog # 25

Do you ever feel like every where you look that the devil is trying to get in and mess things up? That is totally how I feel today and it is driving me crazy!!! My neck is hurting and I can't tell if it is just from transition or if it is bad, I am tired with toooo much mental stress, Ben is tired from three different sides and my kids are even tired. Talk about feeling beaten down!! We have a lot going on right now and it makes it hard to "concentrate on getting better" which is what everyone is telling me to do. Can they do it? That is all I want to know! They say this like it is the most easy thing in the world to do.....but if they were sitting in my shoes, they would see that it is not. Some days it is almost an audible reminder that I need..." I am fighting CANCER!!! And don't you forget it!!!!!"

I need to go to bed I am too tired and I might not make sense.... Goodnight everyone, I need some sleep :)

Blog #24

I am getting into a routine but it doesn't make it any easier. I get up everyday at 6am to start my day. It takes two hours to do everything I need to do before I leave at 8am for my dives. It is starting to make me very tired. I am painfully aware when I am up past 9pm. LOL!! That is so funny and for those that know me, that is just not me!! I am sooooo a night owl! I would much rather be up late than get up early!! But it is what it is..... I seem to be saying that a lot lately. I guess it is true. My naturalists seem to feel that I will see some substantial improvements since my ovaries have been taken out. I believe them. I am amazed at how I feel and how well I can move my neck since I have left the hospital and been able to start back on my treatments.

I still have pain in my neck but it is different than before and it changes. I am assuming that it is because of how the tumor is dissolving and how it effects the bone and nerves. Some days I am just doing too much and am tired but other days it just feels weird. I have lost faith in my oncologist and I am starting to feel like he doesn't have my best interests at heart. Of course I can't know for sure, but some things that have happened have really caused me to wonder. I go back to see him next week and he is still pushing chemo pills. Even though he said there is no guarantee that it will help but it can do damage. I just don't want chemo, and he just won't listen. I am afraid I am going to have to get firm, i'm not looking forward to it. Time to pray some more.

My brother's wife had their baby girl this week and I am so thankful that I was here to see her. I am not ready to die and I am thankful that the Lord has shown me a way to take care of myself so I can be here to see my niece grow up!

Ok, laugh with me on this! I went to Whole Foods today on my free time between dives and while I was checking out with my lunch I ran and picked up a bottle of some gum that I can chew. It is totally vegan and natural so I was excited to find it. No artificial anything! Well I start to walk away after paying and realized that my and my kids lunch was expensive....so I looked at the receipt. Well guess how much my gum was!?........... $11.99!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I almost fell over!! My daughter and son almost fell over laughing! I almost passed out in shock!! That's it...I said! You guys can't share my gum, it is toooo darn expensive!! Can you believe it? I couldn't either!!

Until next time.....I'm chewing my gum!!