# 71

I got up this morning and didn't have to go to radiation....that was so nice! I did my morning routine with no hurry and as I was putting on my make-up I realized that the spot on my face that was a little less mobile...is back to normal. That is just too awesome for words!! It is the little things that seem to amaze me. And yet I seem to be living the really big "thing". To have no side effects...wow! I get to live normally every day and enjoy every moment. God makes me so happy sometimes even with this crazy swelling and having to deal with this fibrous scar tissue in my hip. He just takes care of so many small things that I get overwhelmed with gratitude when I think of them all. I receive cards and letters from people I don't know telling me they are praying for me. Talk about being thankful! The Body of Christ has truly been there for me and I know it is there prayers that have sustained me. To say that God is good.... just doesn't cover it.

As I sit here and type I am starting to feel drowsy... :) No steroids! So I will make this entry short and pack it up and head to bed. (just soooo happy!!)

# 70

Today I finished my last radiation and they told me I can come down to one steroid a day. I can't tell you how happy that makes me!! Just to be able to de-swell!! LOL!! I am sure the next couple of days I will be extra sleepy just from the radiation and not having steroids to counter it...but goodness, who cares if I get some sleep?! I have been wanting some sleep for three weeks!! LOL!!!

The doctor told me that I still should wait to drive until they can do another scan which won't be for probably 6 weeks. It is the only thing that has been a real inconvenience. I am doing everything normally but driving. So I get to be driven around like .... I don't even know! I guess it's time to get my youngest son's permit...ha! ha! He will be happy :)

So here I sit with the windows open and the breeze blowing through and the 70 degree weather and I'm happy to just be here. God is just so awesome in giving us ...no me, sooo much! I can be me every day and He lets me have every day. Isn't it amazing how the little things can mean so much more when we have to look at it through the eyes of death. I have chosen to look through the eyes of life. That is what He has given me and I love that it has caused me to trust Him in ways that I never dreamed possible. I'm excited to see how He has moved in our lives for this year...He seems to have made plans for me and Ben and it encourages my heart to know that the plans have been of His doing. It gives me a hope that He wants me to be here and be a part of my husbands ministry. Let me live today like it is the day that He wants me to live! :))

# 69

I woke up this morning and looked into the mirror and wondered who that woman was staring back at me. I could eat yogurt and drink water and still pack on the pounds thanks to steroids. It is funny to me that it is supposed to reduce the swelling in my brain and it causes so much swelling everywhere else. How irritating!! I have to deal with it irritating my stomach and mouth as well. I didn't realize how much till I forgot to take my prilosec for my stomach. It caused my mouth to get irritated and now I am having to deal with that as well. So no side effects from the TUMORS just from the STEROIDS!!! How irritating on every level!!!! Just two more radiation treatments then I can start weening off the steroids. Not soon enough!!

So this woman in the mirror has very round cheeks and she has nothing but a little fuzz left and not much eye brows or eye lashes....well for that matter, she has no real breasts (just fake) and no ovaries. Sometimes being a woman has to go beyond the physical. There isn't much of me left that physically qualifies me as a woman. How do you describe to anyone how that makes me feel? Only someone who has gone through it can comprehend the feelings. So I am lying on the couch and my husband asks how I'm doing...and I tell him. I don't recognize me anymore. He literally jumps off the couch and comes right over top of me and looks into my eyes and says.." you aren't looking in the right place. You need to look right in there...(points to my eyes). There you are...and you are beautiful!" Okay.....How do I convey what this man means to me and how he shows me the love of God everyday!!! Of course I burst into tears and hugged the breath right out of him and realized that that is how my God sees me!! This body is just a shell...just a shell. He created me and He thinks I'm beautiful!! That makes me sing for joy! I am a story of His Grace! (Okay, my sister sings a song of that and I listened to it again and just cried) He wrote my story.....He wrote this life I am walking....I want nothing more than to live the life that He made for me and I know that not only can I live it, He is helping me to live it. As I lie in bed at night and wonder why....I stop and realize it doesn't matter why. He has given me this path and I am willing to walk it. Maybe that is the key. I am willing. I don't know the answers...but that doesn't matter either because He does.

I had this wonderful weekend with friends that came in for a visit and I was enjoying the love of God with the family of God. I love living everyday like it's my last...shouldn't we all? So keeping perspective is truly key and the attitude is just soooo much a part of it. So I have wonderful reminders. Friends that treat me like I'm still alive...lol! And family that acts normal and lets me live every day to the fullest. I am here because God wants me here and I won't leave this world until He says it's time to go. Just because I have this Stage 4 stuff going on doesn't mean I'm dying this month or this year or whenever! It just weirds people out to know it is in my brain and I could die at any moment. But not if God doesn't want me too. I'm still here and I'm still living my life with no side effects. That is only from God. AND He is AWESOME!!

# 68

I came home from church tonight feeling pretty down. I had to cut off my wedding rings. The relief was instant, but it made me weepy. I haven't had to do something like that in a long time. My poor finger is still red and swollen. I have a feeling that it will take a couple of days for my finger to recover. Funny how you get attached to things and the sentimental value they seem to hold. I love that we melded my rings together, it seemed so perfect. I just hated to see it cut off of my finger. I'll just focus on getting them repaired and look forward to being able to wear them again someday...soon.

So when I got home....I pulled over the trash can and started pulling out my hair. It was coming out like crazy. How do I describe how this makes me feel? I am a woman...and hair is very much a part of every woman...very much a part of me. It is easy to say hair or no hair but how it makes you feel is very different. So I try to keep my focus on what is the most important and that is how God sees me and how my husband sees me. When I remember going through the darkest hours of the last time I thought I was going to die I am reminded of how God spoke to my heart. He sees me as beautiful. Me, with swollen leg and face, no hair and riddled with cancer. And in His eyes...I'm BEAUTIFUL! Oh how that sings to my soul!! And to make it even sweeter I have a husband who has shown me the love of the Father. When he looks at me I can see how he sees me and believes that I'm beautiful. How can I explain how that makes me feel? It is so hard to go through every day with so much emotionally going on, but to have a love and support that mirrors the Father? That goes beyond priceless!! I don't know how to thank the Father enough for who he gave me to be my life partner. On the flip side I find myself asking to stay a little while longer for his benefit. I know what he means to me and I know how he feels about me. We are best friends and neither know where one ends and the other begins. I find that every day I'm just sooo thankful to be here!! Just to have one more day makes me very happy. I'm hoping that I can enjoy one more day everyday.

# 67

Here we go.....the hair is falling out and I was soooo hoping that I might be able to skip that! But as you all have heard me say before, I'd rather be here with no hair than not here at all. It has been crazy to go through the effects of these steroids! I gained five pounds in a week and am still gaining. It looks like my face is going to pop with the swelling and there isn't a thing I can do about it. The only thing that is really bothering me is that I wasn't paying attention to my wedding rings. My fingers have swollen out of control and now it has become painful and it looks like I will have to cut them off. I am trying not to feel weepy about it, but some things you just can't control. Just a lot of sentimental value, but I know it is just a symbol. My wedding ring is my ring and Ben's first wedding band melded together. It just seems so appropriate. Okay, I need to not dwell on it and focus on the fact that I am here. The ring is fixable and I will just focus on getting better. Actually I told Ben I will just wear my dad's wedding ring until we can get mine fixed. Let's keep this on the positive.

The swelling is making everything very uncomfortable. My hands and face are minor compared to my hip area where the last radiation occurred. It has made the fibrous tissue as hard as a brick...to the point that it makes it hard to walk!! How does that even happen? I have no clue but it has definitely slowed my movements. It is really not painful just difficult. That is hard to explain. I am just very anxiously waiting for them to ween me off the steroids so I can deflate! LOL!!

I am thankful for the friends and family who have been so supportive. I can see a definite difference in how people approach what I am going through. I have those that have a deep trust in God and see and know that He is in control then there are those that need reassuring. I am trying my best to convey what God is given me...a peace that passes all understanding. I am still amazed at how He has opened doors for me to do things this year, which just screams to me that He as plans for me on this earth. I like that, but even if He calls me home...I'm ready. What a win/win for me. I just want everyone else to see that win/win as well. God really does know what He is doing. And my goodness, who are we to question any decision that He makes? I just love Him and I'm thankful for today!

# 66

I must say that having to do radiation and steroids everyday can get just a little annoying! I am truly starting to feel the conflict of effects on my body. The radiation takes about all of ten minutes to complete but the after effect is feeling like I could sleep the day away. But let's counter that with steroids every six hours.....ugh! So I will come home get some work done...dishes, clothes, planning dinner, maybe paint on a hoodie...then I want to crash and sleep. But NO! I must now take a steroid and be wide awake! So by the time I hit 9:00 in the evening I can't even pry my eyes open! How crazy is this?!

I know that the steroids are keeping the swelling down in my brain while the radiation tries to get the cancer under control, but it is hard to adjust. On the flip side, it is making my teary eyes turn into water falls! And my lymphodema is swelling like crazy no matter what I am doing to reign it in. The little things can be very frustrating....even as I look into the mirror and see my face swelling because of the steroids. I told one of the radiation techs that if my face kept swelling I wouldn't be able to wear the mask that bolts me down to the table...LOL!! Of course it isn't that bad, it just feels that way. The weirdest side effect is how the steroids are making the fibrous scar tissue on my hip and back as hard as a rock. I know it is because of the swelling, but it gets very uncomfortable and difficult to move. (sigh)

So I have to take every day one moment at a time, dealing with the little things and remembering the big. If I focus on the little, which is my first two paragraphs, I will get depressed and overwhelmed. So I focus on the big, I am still here and feeling pretty doggone good! I can still make my bed, do my laundry, do the dishes, cook dinner for my family, paint hoodies with Patsy, laugh and watch movies with my family, go to church and hang out with friends.....Yeah, I would rather focus on the BIG, than the little!

I was having my Bible study this morning and realizing that I am in a different place again. I feel like I am in His hands. Not just me trying to trust Him, or trying to follow Him...I feel like I am in constant communication with Him. I'm not sure I am explaining this right. It is like I feel His presence so strong I could lean over and touch Him. I know that I am covered with prayer and I can feel it in more ways than I can say. And I can feel Him literally surrounding me...like a blanket. To say there is peace that passes all understanding is very true. I had another difficult conversation with a friend the other day...she finally got the nerve to call and she was trying to be strong. It is hard to realize until you hear it from someone else...I have cancer in my brain. So here I am feeling at peace trying to comfort her...that is only from God. I don't understand His ways, but I understand that He loves me and has given me a peace that passes understanding. I can share that! How many people can't come to terms with circumstances in their lives? I don't know how people do it without God. He is hope in every meaning of the word!

So I go another day, still here and holding the hand of my Father. When I get a phone call from my family I know that we both are realizing that at any moment I could have an aneurysm and it could be over. I don't live close to any of my siblings and that has made this a little harder. We are all across the states and schedules are crazy for just taking a trip out of the blue. But, they know as well as I do that if God takes me home I will see them again. So our phone calls have extra "I love you's" and lots of laughter. How can laughter come in such crazy times? Only by knowing the one who is still holding me together. He wants me here, that is why I am here. That comforts me in ways that are indescribable!!

So I am getting crazy tired and it is late...but I will share a laughter moment before nodding off to bed. (okay, that is never quick, too much to do before my head hits the pillow!) I was talking to my brother today and told him I about had a cornea... and yes, as soon as it passed my lips I knew I said the wrong word! LOL! Of course he knows me well enough to know that my vocabulary is precise and I don't misuse words often if at all....ha! ha! So he slowly asks if that is what I said....yes, it was....then the laughter! You mean....coronary? YES!!! So, needless to say it is now my mind that is being affected and he won't let me forget it!! We laughed for quite some time over it! Thank-you big brother for the laughter! I have loved it and look forward to YEARS more!!!!

# 65

I made it through my first Sunday after finding out that the cancer has gone to my brain. I am soooo thankful for my church family!! They truly are such a wonderful support! They have just lifted us up sooo much and have been there in ways I don't know how to say! I find myself praying that God will bless them as they have blessed us. It is amazing to find a church home that truly embodies what the church is supposed to be...I am very thankful!!

Having said that, it is hard to see people with that look of sorrow in their eyes. I knew Sunday would be difficult for that reason. It is a sadness that never leaves their eyes. I just want to say, "it's okay" because I know the God I serve. He has prepared and made plans for me and I intend to be ready for them. I don't feel afraid. Faith is interesting isn't it? We want to signify with...well, if it's your will Lord. Where is the "I believe" ? I could truly park on this subject for quite a while, but I will just make the point. As in "Facing the Giants" I will plan for rain.

On the other hand, I have noticed that the right side of my face has a very small amount of ...not sure how to put it since it is that minor....lack of movement. You can't see it but I can feel it when I eat or smile. It is interesting but doesn't alarm me. I shared with the doctor this morning and he wasn't worried at all. I'm sure it is because of swelling and he felt that it wouldn't even be an issue. That is good to know. Of course, no one can really tell so it works out all the way around.

I went to a "look good....feel good" class for cancer patients today. It is designed for cancer patients who are going through chemo and radiation that lose hair and struggle through the physical devastation's of the disease. Sometimes I feel very out of place in circles like these. I have hope and there are so many others that don't. One of the ladies burst into tears when I started sharing my story with one of the hosts. I felt so bad for her, but she just struggled with keeping it together. By the time we got done with make-up and started on the wigs she was doing better...in a room with survivors and fighters she was beginning to feel not so alone. I was very thankful. There are so many in this world who have no hope. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around it. Everyday is a day with the Father and He gives me so much of His time and love! I can't imagine a day with out Him!! I hope I can tell others as much as I can about who He is. We all need Him sooo much!!

So here I sit....pondering again. I'm not sure why all this has come about the way it has. Who needs to learn something, who needs to see the Father, does someone need to grow in faith, do my children need to trust Him more, what do I need to learn? I ask these questions to no avail. I know there is no way to actually have an answer....so I trust. That seems to be a big word in my vocabulary...Trust. It seems to encompass sooo much. It only gets hard when I look at my family. I think the hardest is looking at my husband. He is almost freezing everything he is doing to be with me. Almost as though he is afraid that he won't have tomorrow. The kids are doing okay with regular routine, but Ben's hours are set by him...so he wants to do everything for me. It is hard. I find myself praying and not sure exactly what to pray. I want him to have a peace, but I also understand that I have cancer in my brain....in my brain! How can I blame him for wanting to spend every moment possible with me? I would be doing the same thing! He is starting to unwind just a little and I pray that it will get better for him. I guess the only way that will happen fully is when I get a good report back :) So I look forward to that day....I am preparing to do the work that God intended me to do and believing that I will do it. He set it up....so I will be ready. That is what faith is ....right?

# 64

I got up early and went to a breakfast for our Senior classes at church. I made an enormous amount of pancakes....plain and raspberry. They were soooo good! But there are consequences to letting the world know that the cancer has gone to your brain....everyone looks at you with a question in there eyes and the smile doesn't quite make it to their eyes until they see I'm still me. I got a lot of "gentle" hugs and soft "i'm praying for you" comments. And then they start to hear me laughing and talking and you can see the tension literally ease out of their faces and limbs. God has blessed me with no symptoms and I am so thankful!!

I had a very difficult experience a couple of weeks ago and I would like to share it. My father-in-law had asked me to visit the hospital to see a lady who was dying of breast cancer. It had spread out of control and they were getting ready to send her home with hospice. So Ben and I went to see her just to share my experience and maybe give her some peace. It was much harder than I was expecting. She was in tremendous pain and had a colostomy bag, and the cancer had literally eaten through her skin. So there were no treatments she could take in the state she was in. We talked and cried together and I had a chance to pray for her. She was at peace when I left but I cried all the way to the car. There but for the grace of God could I have gone. I held Ben's hand and thanked God for mercy and wondered again...why me? I went back on Sunday with my daughter and had a chance to see her again. I probably should have left Patsy at home. By the time we reached the elevator she was sobbing and I of course was crying with her. Watching such an ugly disease eat you from the inside out is just horrible!!! And here I stand....I'm not sure why this road, but it is the road He has allowed me to travel. I will do everything I can to help myself, but it is up to Him if I stay or go. I find myself praying that if He wants me home to let it be quick. My father died quickly which always seemed like such a sudden shock. But compared to the alternative? I would prefer quick over long and drawn out any day!! To watch anyone waste away causes so much mental strain on the family, that is the last thing I want to do!! I want my family to remember me now, laughing and talking and playing and enjoying life! Of course my ultimate goal is to just be here for a very long time! But that is not in my power, it's in His.

The lady I went to visit in the hospital died two days after my last visit. I felt relief for her to be set free. To have no pain or strain, no sadness just joy...what could be better? I was telling my family that when I die (hopefully no time soon) I want it to be a celebration! When my father died I wanted to wear white...I was only 19 and everyone thought I was crazy so I was loaned a black skirt with my white blouse. But I wanted to celebrate where my father was going and that I WOULD see him again! So my kids and husband are under strict rules....I want a celebration! If I could find a mariachi band I would sooooo have one at my funeral!! I don't want quiet, respectful and tears! I want laughter, smiles and song....I want celebration!!

Death is a door to life everlasting.....LIFE everlasting.... I want to celebrate it. No matter if it comes today or twenty years from now. Preferably 50 years from now!! :)

Just an after thought.... Selah sings a song called Hiding Place. I want to sing it tomorrow with Ben. It just keep ringing through my head....He is my hiding place and He keeps filling my heart with songs of deliverance and whenever I feel afraid I will trust in Him. I couldn't say it any better. :)

# 63

So three days after finding out that the cancer has gone to my brain and it feels a little like I am dreaming. I go to bed and sleep well, then wake up and the reality comes flooding back...I have cancer in my brain. Here is the crazy thing...I have no symptoms so I feel fine. It is hard to wrap my mind around something you can't feel or see. That is where I know prayers have come in to play. I feel a peace that I don't know how to explain. I don't feel afraid ...I just feel like I am sitting in much bigger hands that won't let me down.

As I go from day to day and go about my daily routine, it gives my family hope and a feeling of normalcy. And yet I know it is more...I have a Father that loves me and takes care of me and my family. It is comforting to know that He knows what tomorrow holds... whether I stay or go. I find tremendous comfort in knowing that God can take care of my family much better than I can. I'm glad it is not up to me to take care of them. I'm not enough on my own...

So I look at my family and friends and I feel so much love and a peace that I can't put into words. I don't know what my future holds but I know the one who holds my hand. So I am holding on... in life or death. And death is life...and if I go home? Then I WILL see my family again. Praise God!! And if He let's me stay? I will thank Him and shout his praises until I do get to go home.

The one thing that I will do until my last breath is let people know how awesome our God is...no matter what happens to me...He is worthy of Praise!!

# 62

So here I stand again...looking at death in the face and wondering what will happen next. When all my scans came back I found out that the cancer has gone to my brain and a couple lymph nodes in my abdomen. So I have to immediately start radiation for three weeks then I have to have a new chemo cocktail since the last combo I was on didn't stop the cancer from going to my lymph nodes. Now to explain about the cancer in my brain... I have multiple spots. One is a half-inch in diameter and one is hemorrhaging. The doctors both asked me what my symptoms were and I don't have any symptoms. They were flabbergasted! I should have problems with my vision, balance, memory, personality, headaches, possible black-outs and seizures. I have nothing and I can't help but to attribute that to God.

I'm not sure how to put into words how it makes me feel to hear the doctor tell me the cancer is in my brain in multiple spots. It is like a sinking feeling and it feels like my mind is trying hold on the anything that won't slip away. I look at my husband and see he is trying to not break up for my benefit... things are slipping even more... So I grab a hold of my Savior, He is the only one I can hold onto now. Leaving this world doesn't bother me or scare me. How could going to Heaven be anything but wonderful? But as I look into the eyes of the other half of me my heart breaks in two. I want to be here with Ben until we are 95! I want to grow old with him and watch out children get married and see my grand babies! I love the dynamics of our family and I know what it means and how it will change if I am gone. Then the doctor says it could effect my memory. Now the tears come.... unimpeded. It is the ones you leave behind that makes it so hard to think about dying.

When we got home to tell the kids I couldn't keep the tears back. I know I am my daughter's best friend. And my boys and I are very close. Since I homeschooled the kids we have had a very open relationship and it has been easier for me than Ben because of it. So I look at my family and just want to stay and be there for them.... Then there are my teens that have become part of my extended kid family. I love them like they are my own and they all cried and called after they heard. Again I don't know how to explain how it feels to hear my "other" kids are hurting and don't want me to die. I want to ask God why, but it doesn't matter because I know He has my best interest at heart. So I go back to scripture and read God's promises and remember how He loves me. All things work together for good to them that love God, for those who are the called according to His purpose. All things.... So I tell my kids about God's love and remind them that He wants what's best for them as well. There is an irony .... it doesn't make it easier. It is hard to see my family hurt, my friends hurt.

This is when I have to hold on to the Lord the hardest. I go through my days and laugh and enjoy my time with my kids and husband. But this is when I hold on.... I can't hide how it weighs on me from Ben he knows me too well. But my kids don't need to know how I worry for them. Not so much worry but concern. I hate sharing and seeing the people I love go through pain, it makes me pray a lot more. I'm holding on.... My brother, sisters, mom. I'm holding on...

So now I start radiation and I am praying God will take care of the cancer. I know it is no problem for Him, He just must want to ... prayer comes often. I want His will....actually I want His will no matter what. If He wants to take me home, I go home and I know that it will be the best for me and my family. If He lets me stay, than it will be the best for my family and me. So I leave it in His hands. His large, strong hands and the knowledge that He knows so much more than me. My God, my Father, my Savior, Protector, Creator, Lover of my soul ... I am His and He is mine. I am thankful that I have a Father who loves me the way He does.