Blog #47

I had a revelation that I wanted to share.....God has been dealing with me on so many levels but it all became so clear as the weeks have passed that I realized it has changed me. Completely from the inside out. After moving to East Tennessee my cancer has just gotten out of control and I reached a level of do chemo of cross into eternity. My doctor actually told me that what I was doing naturally wasn't helping at all, my tumor marker numbers were tripling and then the pain became so unbearable that I was forced to bed with pain meds as a constant diet to just make it through the day and night. And it barely did that. I did three weeks of radiation losing weight at an unhealthy rate (pain meds and cancer kept me sick and throwing up, nothing stayed down) hoping to ease the pain enough that I might be able to just walk around again without needing someone to almost carry me from place to place. I went two months in bed with nothing but thinking to occupy my mind.

The attack of the mind is acute and painful, but I found, oh so necessary. Here I am lying in bed feeling more worthless than I've ever felt in my life. My whole world has revolved around ministry and my home. I wanted to be involved in ministry since before I was even married. So when I got married I jumped in with both feet. Here is my list of what I was involved, or should I say, what I felt like defined me as who I am.

Teen ministry- Sunday school, Wednesday night bible study, camp, VBS(for teens), youth retreats, Drama, lock-ins

Women's ministry- Woman's Auxiliary, Ladies retreat, bible studies, lock-ins, Drama,

Choir, Drama director,

then came Pastor's wife...

Children's Church Director, youth leader, praise and worship team, Ladies Sunday school teacher, etc, etc, etc,

I can almost keep going....I keep remembering more and more that I was involved in. Oh, church softball and volleyball leagues. (they were awesome!)

Even when I found out I had cancer it didn't slow me down, my ministry was what defined me, or so I thought. But then I took a turn for the worse....and it all went away.

As I laid there day after day an invalid, with nothing that I could do on my own and nothing to offer I was beginning to feel in-valid. Everything that I felt defined me for who I was was taken away. I was no longer a pastor's wife, a teen leader, a worship leader, a women's leader, I had nothing to offer, not even as a mother. My children were taking care of their sick mother, not me taking care of them. I couldn't even be a wife. I had nothing to contribute, nothing to offer, even as a daughter-in-law in my in-laws home. God very gently stripped everything out of my life that I had believed made me who I am, of defined me. So I lay there even to the point of being afraid to talk to God....there was nothing left to me just a shell. I was wrong.

In God's way that only He can do, He spoke my name. He told me oh so gently, to my spirit that He didn't need all that I have to offer to love me. He loved me, not what I can do for Him, He loved me. The Creator and Lover of my soul made me to love me! Wow! What I do in return has nothing to do with how He loves me! How simple, and yet so profound! I began to see the value in me, just me, nothing else, because it is just me that He loves. What I offer back in love is freely accepted but it doesn't make Him love me more! He already loves me more!!!! As I slowly let this love fill me I ran across some verses in Revelation talking about the name that God has just for me. My new name that I know will define who I really am in Him. Talk about goose bumps! He knows my name, who I really am ...in Him and I can't wait to know it! It is just me! Let me lay aside all my titles, let me embrace this story He has written for me, this story of Grace and realize that I want to give all that I have out of love back to Him, but it doesn't make Him love me more, He already loves me more than I can possibly fathom! And just realizing that has SET ME FREE!!!

We go through our christian walk thinking if I do this, or that....no! Stop right there! Listen to Him, He loves you ...Period! Give back out of love, but it doesn't make you who you are, He makes you who you are, He has created you to love you, the Lover of your soul! Let Him show just how much!

I thank God for my months of bedridden solitude! It set me free.

Blog #46

I must say I keep coming back to feeling like this is so much more than a physical attack on my body. Some days are just so emotionally draining! I had such a good time last night with my family and just hearing us all together and the laughter was like a medicine that my soul needed! But one little accident (spilled coke) and I'm feeling like a worthless piece of dog doo doo! It never ceases to amaze me how much it drains me emotionally to be battling this cancer. When I don't feel good it feels like I have a web of cotton strung across my mind. It is hard to even imagine times when I felt good physically....like playing volleyball or softball. Like my body can't even remember what that felt like. I will try to remember hiking across the prairie with my kids and it's like I can only imagine struggling not really doing it.... How is that fair!!? It makes me want to pull out albums... which are of course packed away in storage. So the mental goes on and on!

So now I find that every Tuesday the cycle with start over with this web of cotton draped over my brain...and by the weekend it starts to lighten up. This is going to be difficult. But I would like to do something to counter it, I'm just not sure what. I have three weeks of chemo and one week off. Boy, those two weeks will feel like Heaven!! Maybe that is the week we will be moving...I need to check that out. Boy! Say some prayers for the move...that makes me feel totally worthless! I am trying not to feel that way but it is extremely difficult! Anywho, having a place of our own will feel almost foreign at this point. It will really be nice. :)

Blog #45

Well I turned 41.....Does that say it all? It fell on a Sunday and I was in bed all day with a fever and felt like doo doo. BUT, I am still here! That is the point, right? Monday was a different day, I felt tired a queasy but I was able to get up a move around a little. We had some visitors, which shall remain nameless....it was very different. I'll leave that one in God's hands. Tuesday rolled around faster than I wanted it to get here. I was very depressed to even think about starting chemo again. I feel like coming full circle is such an understatement. I have done, religiously, all that I know to do naturally. It was like I was throwing feathers at a brick wall. The cancer was advancing faster than ever before. What changed? Nothing, I even got more strict with my natural remedies. So, now it became a question of chemo again. I prayed then turned to my family. If I kept going down the road I am on, the end would come quickly. I left the decision up to them, so here I am with chemo running through my veins again. But, who am I to not try everything for my family? I was dying quickly, maybe God is chuckling at our presumption that we have all the answers. He can use whatever He wants to slow this down. So I get the incredible luxury of trusting Him, no matter what. There is definitely a peace in that. I guess that is the hard part for most people. Trusting when it doesn't make sense. But isn't that the point? Who cares what sense it makes to us? It only matters that He knows. So I get to just sit back and focus on getting stronger. I'll fight, never ceasing because I love my family and I'd like to see some weddings and maybe some grandkids. But secretly? I'm praying for the rapture! Boy! Now that would be an answer to prayer!!!!

Blog # 44

Wow! This has been an incredible week! I have had a week of visitors and it has been just wonderful!! I was worried that I would not be able to even enjoy it, but God took care of that. It has bee just wonderful, like a breath of Heaven to see every one!

My sister and her daughter and our cousin came in on Wednesday. It was just great to see them and catch up. I haven't seem my niece Shawna in like Ten years!!! So it was like non-stop talking for two whole days! Jodi, my cousin got to stay Wednesday till later in the afternoon then she had to head back to Nashville. We laughed and talked till I was ready to drink a gallon of water. It is just so wonderful to see how God brings people into your life! I was just so happy and to top it off, I started to feel better. I was able to sit up longer and I wasn't throwing up or anything. It was such a huge answer to prayer!!

The next day was just Patina and Shawna and I had her (Shawna) cut my and Patsy's hair. It was awesome!! We officially have Shawna do's! They look so good!! We showed them the country and they loved it :) We even had a chance to sing around the piano, that was awesome! I just love how the hope is in the Maker, not the made. And it is so hard for us to get to that point...why? I'll never know.

I'll have to share about the crowd from Dickson, later. I'm feeling tired. I'll be back later. :)

BLOG # 43

Where do I begin? This week has been one of the more longer weeks and has gotten rather blurry with all of the pain and monotony. When I started my radiation the doc said I could have flare up in my hip. That was very much an understatement. It feels like someone has set my bone on fire, which I guess they have. It has made walking, standing, using the bathroom, even lying down incredibly uncomfortable. So I try to move around as little as possible. It makes for very long days. On the flip side, all the meds I'm on make me loopy and I can barely stay awake to watch a movie or read a book.

Something unusual happened this week as well. I developed a fever of unknown origin. Thursday I started running a low grade fever and it just kept gradually going up. I started to feel worse and worse and it didn't matter that I took any fever reducers. Talk about adding fuel to the flame! You know how you get achy feeling when you get a fever? Try adding that ache to bones that already hurt! I wanted someone to drag me out to the field and shoot me like a wounded horse. Needless to say I called everyone to ask what I should do. My doc was finally able to call me back and I was to the point of going to the emergency room when he called me in a prescription of antibiotics. My father in law went to get the meds and thank the Lord he did because I was at the limit of my pain tolerance. At about three in the morning my fever broke which left me in a pool of water but instant relief in my hips. I've never been so thankful for antibiotics in my life!

I went to the doc the next morning and we ran all kinds of tests. I don't know the results yet but hopefully we'll know something soon. While we were there he just reaffirmed the certainty of the end that is drawing near.

It's weird how you get to this place and you don't feel afraid, just sad at what it all means. I can't feel regret. God has been so good to me. All I've ever wanted is to know my children love and trust God. I've known my husband does but to see my children mature in Christ has meant more to me than anything else. And then I have all these wonderful other blessings. My siblings call and we talk about sharing colors (for those of you who have read the Shack), seeing our Father again, and seeing the nieces and nephews when I get there. Then there's the conversations of seeing my sister in law for the first time, and even Ben's grandparents. There is so much happiness on the other side! So, I've made some decisions!

I want my funeral to be happy! I told my kids they need to wear white, and I'm thinking about hiring a big mariachi band for my funeral !!! Hahaha!!! Wouldn't that be great? I mean why not let it be a celebration? Patsy said, "No pain, no gain." "You must be gaining something huge!" Of course I am, It's Heaven!!

I know the worst part is for the ones who are left behind, but I want them to know and remember that my fight has been only to do the will of the Father. I trust him with everything. Even my death. I hope no one looses hope or faith over this. That is exactly what I don't want to happen. As my sister in law so aptly states, He knows the number of my days whether cancer related or not. And I'm totally ok with that. I just want everyone else to be as well. I'm looking forward to sharing my colors. I'm looking forward to seeing my children, their spouses, and my grandchildren on the other side. And I'm just going to be sitting around making my husbands mansion look more beautiful for when he gets there. Maybe I'll set out an extra big bowl of gravy. :)

BLOG #42

My journey has take a quick and difficult U-turn. Three weeks ago they had a song service at our church to help with everything I'm doing naturally. It was an incredible service and you could feel the Spirit there so strongly. At the end of the service they laid hands on me and prayed for healing. I went home that night feeling encouraged and hopeful. But the next morning brought pain to the extent that I couldn't go to work. I stayed home that whole week with pain in my right hip and Ben said "Enough is enough. Call the doctor." So the next Tuesday I went to see the doctor and he scheduled an MRI for the fallowing Monday. I went two weeks without work and in a lot of pain and that's when I found myself in the presence of the Lord. For those of you who know me you know that my personality type is one who likes to have a say in the matter. I had two weeks with no children or husband around, just me and God. It was truly treasured times. His presence was so over whelming that I felt like one of the disciples in the boat during the storm while Jesus was sleeping. I wanted so much to calm the storm and contribute my two cents worth, but He said "Sweet heart, this is mine."

I needed to be content no matter what was going on. And the arrogance of myself to think I might have a say in how I should be healed. He is the potter, I'm just the clay. When I finally let go and trusted him on a whole other level, this cancer took on a whole new aggression.

I went from being able to do everything by myself to being in so much pain I can hardly walk across the room. My results showed that the cancer had gone from my bones to my marrow. The pain tripled instantly and my tumor maker numbers tripled as well. My husband and I quickly realized that for what ever reason, God is ready to take me home.

As soon as I found out the results that night I started to loose control of my bowels. I have numbness in my right cheek and thigh and have a hard time telling when I need to go to the bathroom. I wasn't expecting such fast symptoms but as soon as I had peace about God being in control, everything came over me like a tidal wave. I wish there was some way to keep my children from seeing the pain that I'm in but in a way I realize that they will be happy that my pain will be gone.

I truly have a peace that passes all understanding and I have no fear about going home. I know I'll see my family again and that gives me joy that is indescribable. The only thing that is frustrating at the moment is the pain medicine that keeps me loopy. If you look in my eyes they look glassy from being drugged up. That.... I HATE! But if I don't take the pain meds my family gets to see a crying and in pain mom, and that's not cool.

So I am going on Monday to try and radiate my hip and pelvic bone to give me some pain relief. I hope it works. I will try to keep every one updated daily so everyone will know how I'm doing. I appreciate the prayers but I appreciate the Father even more. He's been with me every step of the way. It's His hands that I feel around me and His peace I feel. It's nice to know that when I walk through those doors, it's His face that I'll get to see.

Blog # 41

I had a great weekend!! We had a benefit singing Saturday night at my in-laws church. It was a two hour cryfest!!!! LOL!! But Oh how God was there!!! It was scary stormy and tornadoes were touching down everywhere, but not where we were and it was so obvious that God was in our presence, it made it hard to breath, let alone sing! Which I boohooed my way through :) I am so thankful for God's timing and how He moves!! We needed the help at just the time He gave it, and we even had a prayer service to close with. I was anointed with oil and prayed over at the altar and you could definitely feel the presence of the Father.

But today, my son has a job, my daughter has a job, and my husband has a job. Life is hard, but God Is Good!!! I am ready for spring and warmer weather to stay and for us to move. Oh, God has provided a home as well! He just thinks of everything!! :) Praise God!!!

I am doubling up on some things because my numbers are up but the doc said that they should show a decrease by my next count which will be at the end of this month. I am just thankful that I don't have to worry and I know it's all in God's hands, no matter what!!