# 57

So.....God has a way of keeping everything in perspective. There is a huge understatement!! I had a wonderful Christmas and I am looking forward to the New Year. Things have changed sooo much! It is so easy to allow yourself to get depressed and look at everything from a negative point of view, but God has a way of saying "don't you dare!" You will get a kick out of what happened this morning....

At 4:00 a.m. my daughter came pounding on our door to let us know that our van had been stolen right out of the driveway! She was crying and didn't know what to do...Ben jumped up and ran to the door, I guess to see with his own eyes and I grabbed the phone and dialed 911. Patsy had started the van to warm it up at 3:45 a.m. And at 4:00 she had walked out to go to work and it was gone. Her brother was up because he is working nights and was off but trying to stay on the same schedule. So he had been talking to her and actually kept her from walking out a 3:55. If he hadn't been talking she might have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. The timing on the whole thing gives me goose bumps!!! What if they had guns...or if she was in the van when they came to take it? There is no point in going down this road of thought except to realize how much God was watching out for her. It didn't hit me until the police officer left. Benjamin had already left to take Patsy to work and Ben and I were sitting on the couch in shock when we just held hands and prayed. Then I picked up my phone and called her just to hear her voice.... God is merciful in more ways than I know how to put into words!! My life could have changed forever in just a ten minute span!

On a more humorous note.... the van was found within 2hrs. It had two blown tires and apparently they were using our van to break into someone else's house. BUT, they left their cell phone in the van!! The police officer found the phone and the last text that they sent out stating.... "we need you to come get us it's an emergency!!" I was having a "here's your sign" moment! But I still found myself almost overwhelmed with gratitude! In just seconds your life could be going down a whole other road and it might not be what you want...or God could show mercy.

Just like Christmas morning when I was thanking God for allowing me to have Christmas with my family. I almost wasn't here for Christmas this year. God allows a lot to happen to help us to grow in Him and it can be hard to see but when we do? Our love for Him multiplies exponentially! I have a lot to deal with every day, but I am here to deal with it...and so is my baby girl! Thank-you for watching over her Father, I would love to have more time with her here on this earth. :)

# 56

Well, here I sit at my chemo treatment playing on my netbook. It is so cool to be able to take it with me anywhere!! And not to fight for internet time with the kids? Well, you can't get any better than this.

I must say I was much more emotional this Christmas than I expected. My husband wrote a story for me so I could read it on Christmas morning at our church. I told him what I wanted and he put it into words...he is very gifted like that. But the heart of the story is this...we have nothing to offer like the wisemen did just ourselves. But that it all God wants anyway. So as I am dramatically reading this story, I get to the line where the lady in the story realizes all she has to offer and all He really wants...is me ... and here come the tears. I find myself asking.."who am I?" I feel like I have so little to offer, I guess that is the whole point. To realize that to live for God we need God, to love Him, we need Him to help us...it is very reciprocal in nature. He takes these broken vessels and uses them because we can clearly show Him through our brokenness. It is all about Him and sometimes when I am feeling very broken, used, worn, ugly, and worthless that is when He shines the brightest. So He must be easy to see right now through me because there is not much of me that works right. (lol!!) But that is the point!! Don't let it be about me, what I can do or say that may be awesome....let the world see my imperfections and then let me let go and let Him shine through me. I can't but He CAN!

So I can sit and look at all the things that don't work right, or are difficult for me right now...OR I can focus on what He can do with all this broken mess that I am living with that shines with His glory. Let's keep our focus on His strength and not my weakness shall we? It seems to work much better that way. So all I have to offer is ... me. Is it enough? Of course, the weaker I am the stronger He is! As I sit and ponder these things it amazes me that He loves me....I feel I have nothing to offer....but He just wants my love, and you know what? I just want His! And I have it!!! Praise God!!!

So I am headed into another year of being alive and I am so excited just to be here!! My God loves me and I may have a lot of little things wrong but He has allowed me to be here, be weak and allow Him to be strong. Thank-you, Father!!

# 55

Merry Christmas!! I must say that this year has had a totally different effect on me than I was quite prepared for. I have been quite weepy all day. Just to be here and to know that the only reason I am here is because He wants me here. I was so close to death this year that I just wanted to enjoy my family. I didn't need a single gift. But my husband surprised me...with a netbook. So I am blogging on my own little laptop :) I am soooo happy!!! No more prying my children's fingers off of the other laptops I have one all to myself!! God is just tooo awesome for words!!

We did things so different this year and it worked out so well. We had some things made for the boys and did a couple big things for the whole family. It has just been wonderful and I can't stop smiling. It truly doesn't matter what little things I have to deal with on a daily basis, just that I am here to deal with it. So Merry Christmas everyone! And I hope you can see the blessing of God around you, for it is there to be seen. I see it everywhere!!

# 54

Well some days it just gets tiring. I have to get up every morning and do my exercises on my exercise ball to keep my lymphodema under control so no way to get ready in a hurry. Then hot compresses for the eyes to keep my tearing under control. Oh, and I need to take my vitamins before I leave as well so a little breakfast is a must or it will upset my stomach. So if I desire to go anywhere I have at least a two hour routine to finish before walking out that door. Whew, I get worn out just thinking about it!!

I went to see the eye doctor this morning and got up a little late so I didn't do my ball exercises...ugh!! So as soon as I get home, on the ball I go. But this doesn't compare with evenings...lol!! I do the hot compresses at night as well to help with the tearing...but I have to use my Flexitouch, which is what the air machine is called that I wrap up in to help control the swelling in my leg. I do my ball exercises then wrap up and do the compressions for an hour every night before sleep. So if I get downstairs a little late? Yup. I am up till crazy hours trying to get everything done!

BUT, let's keep it all in perspective. If I had died this summer I wouldn't be here at all and that is where I was. Making funeral arrangements....but now I am doing little things to keep me going. And that is the point. I am still here doing those little things to keep me going. I get to be with my family every day! This Christmas is going to be awesome! We did some different things this year for the kids but they are personal and I get to share it with them. Can I possibly ask for anything better than that?!

On top of all this we had some roller coaster moments. Funny how things can look so different after you have gone through a life and death experience. I trust God. I have learned that He really does know what He is doing and I'm okay with not knowing. I'm not sure I could have said that before. It is nice to know what is going on, but it is so much better to know that someone who knows me and my family so well and knows what is best for us is planning our steps.

Thanks Father for taking care of us. We need you. I need you.....every moment of every day.

# 53

Okay, so I have physical therapy three days a week and it is totally unusual. I do exercises then my therapist scrapes my leg with a scraper like for a windshield in the winter. I must say that it hurts like a dog and that night and the next day I am crazy sore. BUT, it is helping :) And as I start my PT I start to have problems with my eyes tearing. What is up with that?

So I go three days a week for PT, one day a week for chemo....and I am leaking out my eyes....Oh, and my big toenails are bruised and it looks like I might lose them.....and my fingernails are coming loose from the nail beds. Yeah, I will definitely lose them. Some days my list of little things can make me really down.

My son sent me a text from work today and said, "mom, do you ever just feel mopey?"

Really son? I wanted to say...everyday! But if I dwell on all the little things...I would stay in a mopey state of mind. I find if I keep my focus on the fact that this body is just a shell, a temporary shell and someday I will have a wonderful new one it helps soooo much!

There are days that I look into the mirror and am just amazed that I am still holding together. I find that I don't like the way I look, everything looks like it is just falling apart or disfigured. And that's when my hero comes and saves me. In walks my husband with eyes full of love and sees me, not my shell. He looks so convinced that I am beautiful, and I am so thankful because it reminds me of how my God sees me. Gosh, I love that man!!!! So I am taking one day at a time and enjoying still being here and loving my kids and husband, and most of all my God for giving me more time here on this earth. I get to pray everyday for my friends and family and I know that must drive the devil mad....so...hahahahahaha!!!!! I am still here because God wants me here!! :) And I'll stay as long as he wants me to :)

# 52

I am finally back on the internet. Gosh, there is sooo much that has happened over the past several months so I will try to go through them with several blogs and not put it all in one.

After my last post I had some tests run for the swelling in my leg. I discovered that I had a blood clot in my right thigh. My leg was swelling, but more than that my butt and waist on my right side from knee to my ribs. I was starting to look lopsided and it was getting impossible to bend over and put on shoes or socks. They put me on cummunin pills and shots to thin my blood so it would dissolve the clot and reduce the swelling.

Well, it was thinning my blood and it wasn't getting rid of the swelling. Actually the swelling stayed at the same level to the point that I asked them if something was wrong. I am not one to complain but it was getting frustrating that I was uncomfortable all the time. Not being able to bend over or put my socks on...and stairs were becoming almost impossible unless I was taking them one at a time or I should say one leg only at a time.

Well, they sent me back for another scan after three months of blood thinners and no reduction in swelling and found out that the clot was gone (praise God!) but I must have lymphodema. Soooooo off to the a lymphodema specialist I go.... I go to the therapist and find out that the radiation on my pelvic bone and hip have damaged my lymph nodes and I have a ton of fibrous scar tissue which is causing the backed up fluid to not be able to drain.

Physical therapy three days a week and chemo once a week.....

This is going to be a long winter.

Blog #51

I was thinking about my last blog and I hope I am sharing what people need to hear to know that I am only human and God can help you through whatever you are going through as well. I realize that this hits women much more personally and I hope I can be a blessing, or should I say God through me, because it is not me.

I was getting out of the shower this morning and getting ready for my treatment in a couple of hours when I glanced in the mirror. Mistake ....... It is hard to look at a body covered in scars and not feel ugly. I have gained weight which I needed to do, but being thin was nice, and I felt like I was fitting in to a different crowd. All those who struggle with weight know exactly what I mean. To be able to go to Walmart and look at the clearance rack for "normal" sizes is almost euphoric when it has been a long time since you have been in that size bracket. Then to slowly go back up the scale? That is just irritating! I know that the steroids are making it hard, but it gets under your skin to your heart! Here I am looking pudgy and scarred! How can my husband possibly see any beauty?

Well, reading and praying this morning are good for my doubts. God has just the way of revealing to my heart how He loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. He made me and He showed me ever so gently that He thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. Let that sink in......no matter what!! It definitely effects what I do and how I feel about myself. Even in my sin and shame He thought I was beautiful and worth saving. How do we process that as humans? We should engrave it on our hearts, our hands and foreheads!!!! I am beautiful to God and He loves me no matter what....even with scars, no hair and overweight? YES!!!! Gosh, I can put on my princess dress and dance for my Father because I'm beautiful and He loves me!!! Now when the devil comes calling and he surely will, I just need to mentally pull out the dress and dance.

This cancer is ugly and the battle is daily and constant, but I can hold the hand of my Father, and know that everything is okay. My confidence is in Him and I need not look at myself with disgust, I need to see the beauty He created ...... me.

I love you Father and I need you, every day.

Blog #50

Life on the other side of treatments is so difficult to put into words. I have good days and bad days, thank the Lord there are more good than bad, and wonderfully, the bad aren't real bad! I have swelling in my right leg more than my left so it gets more stiff and it stays larger than my left. There are days where I can feel it catching a nerve, or pinching it and it makes walking and sitting uncomfortable. But it has yet to slow me down. Why share this? Because as I have stated before, it truly is a mental battle. I can feel the devil constantly attacking my mental state of being. How I feel mentally truly effects everything I do all day long and when I don't start my day giving God control of my mental state....it does not go well. Some days it can be as simple as feeling lonely. Then the hypersensitivity of my hip and all its not feeling "normal" screams at me throughout the day because I feel down. It becomes a self-pity party if I let it. Talk about an easy trap to fall into!! Questions like..."why me?.....why here?.....why now?......why like this?....."

On days like this I have to physically seek the Lord and ask for His help because I can't get out on my own. Then He reminds me of what He brought me through and how I can share with others who are going through it as well. I and we can't do it in our strength....it is way too hard! I love that He loves me enough to take care of my doubts and fears and He can handle it. I can trust Him to know what is best for me....and the crazy thing is that even if it hurts....He loves me through it.

He never said He would take the pain away just that He would go through it with me. I literally don't have to feel lonely or depressed by myself. I have been reading through the New Testament and just reading how the crowds treated Him, He was so lonely and used. He knows exactly how I feel and He goes through it with me. Not just behind me holding me up, but with me feeling it too. When I hurt He hurts, when I cry He cries, when I sing, He sings with me....can it get any better? I have a Savior who experiences my heart with me and helps me through my darkest hours. I am thankful, because the past couple of weeks have been emotionally stressful. I view things so differently now, but the devil is not stupid and he is constantly looking for ways to tear me down. BUT, I know the King and He battles on MY behalf!! Boy, that is worth shouting about!!! I know the devil must hate me on soooo many levels because I came out on the other side of this dark encounter with death praising God and praying like my life depended on it. Or should I say, like others life depended on it!! I am sure that is the reason for the mental battles. The devil wants to hinder my prayer life, but it has only made me want to pray even more!! What tickles me is that I have been wanting to pray for others! So look out devil, I am praying some pretty heavy prayer cover for my loved ones!!! Woo! Hoo!!!!

So, this weekend I went to NC to visit my best friend and it was like a fresh drink of water. To be renewed in spirit is almost indescribable. I felt good physically, but I also struggle with the mental of gaining weight and losing hair. This is such a mental thing for ladies! To be able to share with another woman and keep my perspective and hopes up, it was priceless. It is hard to feel beautiful when what the world equates as beauty is taken away..... That is when I need to focus on what my Father thinks of me, and my spouse, and my friends. There is more to beauty than physical. It just requires some reminding, because the devil definitely wants us to focus on how the world views it. So I came home feeling renewed and blessed. Then our service on Sunday filled me to overflowing. God is soooo good!! I feel ready to attack this week :) And I look forward to being renewed again :)

Blog #49

I have been out of touch for about a month and a half...no internet. But so much has happened, that I need to try and catch up.

I have been so blessed with such incredible friends and God has allowed them to come and visit after we moved. It has been a busy June/July but it has been incredible. We have had visitors from everywhere and almost every weekend. But I have felt up to company and it made it awesome! I have been able to cook, clean, wash clothes, change beds, stay up and watch movies, and play games and more!! Just the joy of being able to get up and cook breakfast for my family has been incredible!

Johnny started school and I have been keeping all the family schedules running as smoothly as possible. LOL!! With everyone's work schedule at different times I am the only constant in the house, and it feels so wonderful to be able to be here if for no other reason than to make everything flow. I have some days where my hip will give me trouble but it hasn't slowed me down, until one weekend it almost knocked me down. I was trying to exercise my hips just for staying in shape because I have to take steroids with my chemo treatments. Well, I guess I did too much because it got so painful that I had to stop and lie down. That bothered me because the first thought is .... "it's back!!!" So I just called my kids in and we prayed right then and there, I was not going to allow the doubt to enter and give the devil a foothold. Needless to say, by the next day it was almost back to normal and by Tuesday when I went to see the doctor I wasn't hurting at all. Then I got the good news of my numbers dropping another 200 pts. !!!! The normal range for the average person who doesn't have cancer is 24-35....I am so close to that number at 59!!! Is God just incredible or what?!??!!!

I wake up every morning and grab a cup of hot tea and head out to the back deck to have my time with God while I listen to the birds and look at the mountains. It is almost indescribable how I feel to still be here and know that my life is in His hands and He has given me another day. The smallest things become such incredible displays of His love. And just being able to share with my family and friends what they mean to me, all of sudden I don't want to wait to let them know how I feel...they need to know now. We aren't promised tomorrow, only right now.

Something else that has changed drastically for me is my prayer life. I have always wanted to spend more time in prayer but never knew quite how to fit it in....how awful to say that out loud! If you want to pray, than you pray. I just didn't know how to make the time to pray, now I get up early just to pray and I can't wait to get up and get started! I love my time in God's word and learning something new about Him thrills me! I sometimes get distracted with reading other books about God and our relationship with Him and don't read the Bible. Don't we all go through that? Well, I like reading other author's but....BUT, it is not God's Word, it is someone elses word and even their opinion. I have been almost craving the scriptures...yeah, I believe that is the right word... I just need time with this God who loves me enough to give me more time with my family. I started to realize that I have become quite aggressive in my prayer life and the devil must just hate me! But when you look at the door of eternity and realize who might go with you and who might not....all of a sudden prayer becomes very important for those you love! So all of a sudden those in my family and circle of friends that may not know Jesus personally or are having a hard time with circumstances with their life? Well, you have been covered with some serious prayer!
Best of all is that God has been answering and that only makes me want to pray more! I want to go to battle for those I love, because if I don't who will? My children have been my prayer supporters and partners. We pray about everything! LOL!! I am sooo thankful! If my kids learn nothing else but how important prayer is, than my job will have been a success.

I was planning on going back to work but just the random hip pain I was having kept me from doing that. But it seemed to be how God wanted to work it out in the first place. So I have been able to stay at home and keep our home in running order. We got some chickens and that has been just awesome! We love them and the fresh eggs :) And I love to listen to our rooster crow every morning.

We had two weeks with the teens from Dickson. It was wonderful!! My kids were overjoyed to have their friends in town and to all be back together again! It was good for me as well, it had been too long to hear them all together! They are all my boys!

I had one other answer to prayer. I have been missing being involved in some way or in some part of ministry. God opened the door for me to work with the ladies at our church. I am so happy and looking forward to it! Isn't it just like a loving Father to give is the desires of our heart? Well we have a Father who loves to do that!! I am so thankful!!

I have so much to tell but it would make this go on forever! I will try to get back on soon and keep everyone updated as best as I can. :)

Blog #48

We have moved to our own home and we don't have internet yet so my blogs have slowed down, and I hate that because so much has happened that I don't want to get behind!!

Our move was crazy but incredible in so many ways! I am just amazed at how God has provided! Maybe amazed is the wrong word, it should be overwhelmed! I feel like He has opened the floodgates of Heaven and poured out His love on me and my family. I wake up feeling weepy (happy) and go to bed feeling the same way :) From the first night we moved in it was like I was taking energy pills. I literally got stronger every day. Now I go up and down my steps with ease and I can do almost anything! I even hung my husbands closet for him and put all his clothes up. (who's the man?!) All I have left in my house to work on is my little office space, and that is because we aren't sure yet how we want it set up, but everything else is set up. Pictures, knick-knack's, clothes, dishes, closets....I am soooo happy!! I get up in the morning and spend my time with the most AWESOME GOD ever!! I declare, I have read more than I can count that He knows my name. How reassuring to be reminded daily?

We had visitors our first weekend and I truly thought I would have to be lying down the whole time, but NO! Not with God in control! I have had visitors every weekend but one and I have felt wonderful and have been able to cook and clean.....who get's excited about cooking and cleaning? That would be me!! I have been to church every Sunday and Wednesday since we have moved and it is just the most overwhelming feeling....am I boring anyone? I hope not. I just know so many have prayed for healing and I am on that road.... God is answering and I want to shout to the world that I am getting better.

We had dinner last night and I made a pork roast with cabbage. It made me weepy....(no estrogen definitely magnify's that!!) I was happy to be cooking, to be with my family and to be eating! Isn't it amazing how we take things for granted then something happens and all of a sudden our whole perspective changes? The smallest things make me happy, but my joy comes from the love of my Father! I love how He loves me, and I get to be with Him everyday. How fortunate we are, and yet we don't even realize it! I hope all who have been praying for me and keeping up with me see that I am no one special....God loves you just the same way and what is He doing to get your attention? What does He have to do to get your attention? I hope it isn't too painful, but we have a tendency to ignore anything and everything until it gets painful ..... then we look to the Father.

I am not sure why it happened this way for me, but I know I am not the same. I don't want to go back to the way it was. I keep putting remembrance symbols around me. I don't want to forget, I don't want to down play it, I want to embrace it and let it grow. I want to dive into my relationship with the Father and I don't want to look back!! I shared my last blog with you all, it was a life changing event for me....my sister sent me a message on June 22, she thought she was going to read My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers for June 22. But she accidentally read July 22. Please read it if you have a copy of it. It gave me goose bumps.... Being sanctified by God. How he strips away all of what we are to realize who we are in Him. It is awesome!!

I will try to post sooner, I am sitting at Duncan Donuts drinking a Cherry Coke, hopefully with some prayer, we will be able to get internet soon. God will work it out. He always does. :)

But as of today, I am ready to go home, I am ready to stay.....I am His, He can do what He wants with me. :) It's a good place to be :)

Blog #47

I had a revelation that I wanted to share.....God has been dealing with me on so many levels but it all became so clear as the weeks have passed that I realized it has changed me. Completely from the inside out. After moving to East Tennessee my cancer has just gotten out of control and I reached a level of do chemo of cross into eternity. My doctor actually told me that what I was doing naturally wasn't helping at all, my tumor marker numbers were tripling and then the pain became so unbearable that I was forced to bed with pain meds as a constant diet to just make it through the day and night. And it barely did that. I did three weeks of radiation losing weight at an unhealthy rate (pain meds and cancer kept me sick and throwing up, nothing stayed down) hoping to ease the pain enough that I might be able to just walk around again without needing someone to almost carry me from place to place. I went two months in bed with nothing but thinking to occupy my mind.

The attack of the mind is acute and painful, but I found, oh so necessary. Here I am lying in bed feeling more worthless than I've ever felt in my life. My whole world has revolved around ministry and my home. I wanted to be involved in ministry since before I was even married. So when I got married I jumped in with both feet. Here is my list of what I was involved, or should I say, what I felt like defined me as who I am.

Teen ministry- Sunday school, Wednesday night bible study, camp, VBS(for teens), youth retreats, Drama, lock-ins

Women's ministry- Woman's Auxiliary, Ladies retreat, bible studies, lock-ins, Drama,

Choir, Drama director,

then came Pastor's wife...

Children's Church Director, youth leader, praise and worship team, Ladies Sunday school teacher, etc, etc, etc,

I can almost keep going....I keep remembering more and more that I was involved in. Oh, church softball and volleyball leagues. (they were awesome!)

Even when I found out I had cancer it didn't slow me down, my ministry was what defined me, or so I thought. But then I took a turn for the worse....and it all went away.

As I laid there day after day an invalid, with nothing that I could do on my own and nothing to offer I was beginning to feel in-valid. Everything that I felt defined me for who I was was taken away. I was no longer a pastor's wife, a teen leader, a worship leader, a women's leader, I had nothing to offer, not even as a mother. My children were taking care of their sick mother, not me taking care of them. I couldn't even be a wife. I had nothing to contribute, nothing to offer, even as a daughter-in-law in my in-laws home. God very gently stripped everything out of my life that I had believed made me who I am, of defined me. So I lay there even to the point of being afraid to talk to God....there was nothing left to me just a shell. I was wrong.

In God's way that only He can do, He spoke my name. He told me oh so gently, to my spirit that He didn't need all that I have to offer to love me. He loved me, not what I can do for Him, He loved me. The Creator and Lover of my soul made me to love me! Wow! What I do in return has nothing to do with how He loves me! How simple, and yet so profound! I began to see the value in me, just me, nothing else, because it is just me that He loves. What I offer back in love is freely accepted but it doesn't make Him love me more! He already loves me more!!!! As I slowly let this love fill me I ran across some verses in Revelation talking about the name that God has just for me. My new name that I know will define who I really am in Him. Talk about goose bumps! He knows my name, who I really am ...in Him and I can't wait to know it! It is just me! Let me lay aside all my titles, let me embrace this story He has written for me, this story of Grace and realize that I want to give all that I have out of love back to Him, but it doesn't make Him love me more, He already loves me more than I can possibly fathom! And just realizing that has SET ME FREE!!!

We go through our christian walk thinking if I do this, or that....no! Stop right there! Listen to Him, He loves you ...Period! Give back out of love, but it doesn't make you who you are, He makes you who you are, He has created you to love you, the Lover of your soul! Let Him show just how much!

I thank God for my months of bedridden solitude! It set me free.

Blog #46

I must say I keep coming back to feeling like this is so much more than a physical attack on my body. Some days are just so emotionally draining! I had such a good time last night with my family and just hearing us all together and the laughter was like a medicine that my soul needed! But one little accident (spilled coke) and I'm feeling like a worthless piece of dog doo doo! It never ceases to amaze me how much it drains me emotionally to be battling this cancer. When I don't feel good it feels like I have a web of cotton strung across my mind. It is hard to even imagine times when I felt good physically....like playing volleyball or softball. Like my body can't even remember what that felt like. I will try to remember hiking across the prairie with my kids and it's like I can only imagine struggling not really doing it.... How is that fair!!? It makes me want to pull out albums... which are of course packed away in storage. So the mental goes on and on!

So now I find that every Tuesday the cycle with start over with this web of cotton draped over my brain...and by the weekend it starts to lighten up. This is going to be difficult. But I would like to do something to counter it, I'm just not sure what. I have three weeks of chemo and one week off. Boy, those two weeks will feel like Heaven!! Maybe that is the week we will be moving...I need to check that out. Boy! Say some prayers for the move...that makes me feel totally worthless! I am trying not to feel that way but it is extremely difficult! Anywho, having a place of our own will feel almost foreign at this point. It will really be nice. :)

Blog #45

Well I turned 41.....Does that say it all? It fell on a Sunday and I was in bed all day with a fever and felt like doo doo. BUT, I am still here! That is the point, right? Monday was a different day, I felt tired a queasy but I was able to get up a move around a little. We had some visitors, which shall remain nameless....it was very different. I'll leave that one in God's hands. Tuesday rolled around faster than I wanted it to get here. I was very depressed to even think about starting chemo again. I feel like coming full circle is such an understatement. I have done, religiously, all that I know to do naturally. It was like I was throwing feathers at a brick wall. The cancer was advancing faster than ever before. What changed? Nothing, I even got more strict with my natural remedies. So, now it became a question of chemo again. I prayed then turned to my family. If I kept going down the road I am on, the end would come quickly. I left the decision up to them, so here I am with chemo running through my veins again. But, who am I to not try everything for my family? I was dying quickly, maybe God is chuckling at our presumption that we have all the answers. He can use whatever He wants to slow this down. So I get the incredible luxury of trusting Him, no matter what. There is definitely a peace in that. I guess that is the hard part for most people. Trusting when it doesn't make sense. But isn't that the point? Who cares what sense it makes to us? It only matters that He knows. So I get to just sit back and focus on getting stronger. I'll fight, never ceasing because I love my family and I'd like to see some weddings and maybe some grandkids. But secretly? I'm praying for the rapture! Boy! Now that would be an answer to prayer!!!!

Blog # 44

Wow! This has been an incredible week! I have had a week of visitors and it has been just wonderful!! I was worried that I would not be able to even enjoy it, but God took care of that. It has bee just wonderful, like a breath of Heaven to see every one!

My sister and her daughter and our cousin came in on Wednesday. It was just great to see them and catch up. I haven't seem my niece Shawna in like Ten years!!! So it was like non-stop talking for two whole days! Jodi, my cousin got to stay Wednesday till later in the afternoon then she had to head back to Nashville. We laughed and talked till I was ready to drink a gallon of water. It is just so wonderful to see how God brings people into your life! I was just so happy and to top it off, I started to feel better. I was able to sit up longer and I wasn't throwing up or anything. It was such a huge answer to prayer!!

The next day was just Patina and Shawna and I had her (Shawna) cut my and Patsy's hair. It was awesome!! We officially have Shawna do's! They look so good!! We showed them the country and they loved it :) We even had a chance to sing around the piano, that was awesome! I just love how the hope is in the Maker, not the made. And it is so hard for us to get to that point...why? I'll never know.

I'll have to share about the crowd from Dickson, later. I'm feeling tired. I'll be back later. :)

BLOG # 43

Where do I begin? This week has been one of the more longer weeks and has gotten rather blurry with all of the pain and monotony. When I started my radiation the doc said I could have flare up in my hip. That was very much an understatement. It feels like someone has set my bone on fire, which I guess they have. It has made walking, standing, using the bathroom, even lying down incredibly uncomfortable. So I try to move around as little as possible. It makes for very long days. On the flip side, all the meds I'm on make me loopy and I can barely stay awake to watch a movie or read a book.

Something unusual happened this week as well. I developed a fever of unknown origin. Thursday I started running a low grade fever and it just kept gradually going up. I started to feel worse and worse and it didn't matter that I took any fever reducers. Talk about adding fuel to the flame! You know how you get achy feeling when you get a fever? Try adding that ache to bones that already hurt! I wanted someone to drag me out to the field and shoot me like a wounded horse. Needless to say I called everyone to ask what I should do. My doc was finally able to call me back and I was to the point of going to the emergency room when he called me in a prescription of antibiotics. My father in law went to get the meds and thank the Lord he did because I was at the limit of my pain tolerance. At about three in the morning my fever broke which left me in a pool of water but instant relief in my hips. I've never been so thankful for antibiotics in my life!

I went to the doc the next morning and we ran all kinds of tests. I don't know the results yet but hopefully we'll know something soon. While we were there he just reaffirmed the certainty of the end that is drawing near.

It's weird how you get to this place and you don't feel afraid, just sad at what it all means. I can't feel regret. God has been so good to me. All I've ever wanted is to know my children love and trust God. I've known my husband does but to see my children mature in Christ has meant more to me than anything else. And then I have all these wonderful other blessings. My siblings call and we talk about sharing colors (for those of you who have read the Shack), seeing our Father again, and seeing the nieces and nephews when I get there. Then there's the conversations of seeing my sister in law for the first time, and even Ben's grandparents. There is so much happiness on the other side! So, I've made some decisions!

I want my funeral to be happy! I told my kids they need to wear white, and I'm thinking about hiring a big mariachi band for my funeral !!! Hahaha!!! Wouldn't that be great? I mean why not let it be a celebration? Patsy said, "No pain, no gain." "You must be gaining something huge!" Of course I am, It's Heaven!!

I know the worst part is for the ones who are left behind, but I want them to know and remember that my fight has been only to do the will of the Father. I trust him with everything. Even my death. I hope no one looses hope or faith over this. That is exactly what I don't want to happen. As my sister in law so aptly states, He knows the number of my days whether cancer related or not. And I'm totally ok with that. I just want everyone else to be as well. I'm looking forward to sharing my colors. I'm looking forward to seeing my children, their spouses, and my grandchildren on the other side. And I'm just going to be sitting around making my husbands mansion look more beautiful for when he gets there. Maybe I'll set out an extra big bowl of gravy. :)

BLOG #42

My journey has take a quick and difficult U-turn. Three weeks ago they had a song service at our church to help with everything I'm doing naturally. It was an incredible service and you could feel the Spirit there so strongly. At the end of the service they laid hands on me and prayed for healing. I went home that night feeling encouraged and hopeful. But the next morning brought pain to the extent that I couldn't go to work. I stayed home that whole week with pain in my right hip and Ben said "Enough is enough. Call the doctor." So the next Tuesday I went to see the doctor and he scheduled an MRI for the fallowing Monday. I went two weeks without work and in a lot of pain and that's when I found myself in the presence of the Lord. For those of you who know me you know that my personality type is one who likes to have a say in the matter. I had two weeks with no children or husband around, just me and God. It was truly treasured times. His presence was so over whelming that I felt like one of the disciples in the boat during the storm while Jesus was sleeping. I wanted so much to calm the storm and contribute my two cents worth, but He said "Sweet heart, this is mine."

I needed to be content no matter what was going on. And the arrogance of myself to think I might have a say in how I should be healed. He is the potter, I'm just the clay. When I finally let go and trusted him on a whole other level, this cancer took on a whole new aggression.

I went from being able to do everything by myself to being in so much pain I can hardly walk across the room. My results showed that the cancer had gone from my bones to my marrow. The pain tripled instantly and my tumor maker numbers tripled as well. My husband and I quickly realized that for what ever reason, God is ready to take me home.

As soon as I found out the results that night I started to loose control of my bowels. I have numbness in my right cheek and thigh and have a hard time telling when I need to go to the bathroom. I wasn't expecting such fast symptoms but as soon as I had peace about God being in control, everything came over me like a tidal wave. I wish there was some way to keep my children from seeing the pain that I'm in but in a way I realize that they will be happy that my pain will be gone.

I truly have a peace that passes all understanding and I have no fear about going home. I know I'll see my family again and that gives me joy that is indescribable. The only thing that is frustrating at the moment is the pain medicine that keeps me loopy. If you look in my eyes they look glassy from being drugged up. That.... I HATE! But if I don't take the pain meds my family gets to see a crying and in pain mom, and that's not cool.

So I am going on Monday to try and radiate my hip and pelvic bone to give me some pain relief. I hope it works. I will try to keep every one updated daily so everyone will know how I'm doing. I appreciate the prayers but I appreciate the Father even more. He's been with me every step of the way. It's His hands that I feel around me and His peace I feel. It's nice to know that when I walk through those doors, it's His face that I'll get to see.

Blog # 41

I had a great weekend!! We had a benefit singing Saturday night at my in-laws church. It was a two hour cryfest!!!! LOL!! But Oh how God was there!!! It was scary stormy and tornadoes were touching down everywhere, but not where we were and it was so obvious that God was in our presence, it made it hard to breath, let alone sing! Which I boohooed my way through :) I am so thankful for God's timing and how He moves!! We needed the help at just the time He gave it, and we even had a prayer service to close with. I was anointed with oil and prayed over at the altar and you could definitely feel the presence of the Father.

But today, my son has a job, my daughter has a job, and my husband has a job. Life is hard, but God Is Good!!! I am ready for spring and warmer weather to stay and for us to move. Oh, God has provided a home as well! He just thinks of everything!! :) Praise God!!!

I am doubling up on some things because my numbers are up but the doc said that they should show a decrease by my next count which will be at the end of this month. I am just thankful that I don't have to worry and I know it's all in God's hands, no matter what!!

Blog #40

I am sorry for neglecting my blog duties. It has been very busy around here lately and with my husband needing the laptop in the evenings it is like buzzards when he walks in the door. I need to just schedule my time and then let the kids fight for it after I'm done. I just hate to keep them from it as well.

Anywho.... I have been doing so much better since I started my new hormone treatments. I hardly need pain meds now. I will go days without and usually if I do it is because I have aggravated my hip without realizing I did. I made a trip to Ohio which was like a medicine for my heart!! I got to spend time with my brother and sister it was awesome!! But driving there I was at the wheel too long (I got excited seeing and showing my kids where my Grandmother used to live in Kentucky) so I was hurting my first couple of days. But when I returned I was doing well.

Some days feel so hard and others so easy. I wish there was some way to explain it in simple terms, but a continual fight against death gets very tiring. I am so thankful that my in-laws church is so supportive. I have friends across the states who pray for me so much and I don't know how to tell people how much that helps me just to stay above water. And yes, it so often feels like treading water. It can wear me out like nothing else. Especially when I hurt, it's like screaming into my mind from Satan himself, "HA! HA! HA! You are going to lose this fight!!!!" Having prayer cover is the one thing that I know and can feel when it brings relief.

So true to the way God works, He has had my attention quite thoroughly over these past couple of months, and needless to say it has truly changed me. I find that I long to spend time with Him and it makes fighting this cancer so much easier. It feels like my fight it not just physical but spiritual. Like they are intertwined. Or maybe with each step physically it should have spiritual repercussions. Somehow the two feel intertwined. I'm okay with that. I know that if God is for me who can be against me? If God wants to save me there is nothing in heaven or earth that can stop Him. And what if He doesn't? I feel like the Hebrew children....I am not careful to speak to you on this matter! I know who holds my eternal future. But I feel like He is opening doors for me to share my story with the world. I will do whatever is in my power to glorify Him whether I stay or go! He is worthy and everyone needs to know that THAT is the truth!! The devil may truly try to take me out, but I'm not his, I'm God's.

My in-laws church is having a benefit singing for me Saturday night, total answer to prayer. The ladies have been sending cards of encouragement with gift cards to Ingles, another answer to prayer. My oldest son got a job, another answer.... and it looks like God has provided a home for us.....ANOTHER ANSWER TO PRAYER!!! I am seeing a beautiful pattern!!!! Anyone else?!?!

I am trying not to be amazed when God answers prayers, but I think He likes to amaze us and to see us get excited and shout and dance around for Him. I have been dancing a lot for Him lately :) He is healing me from the inside out...lol!!! Heart, mind, soul....then body! I am excited to get to the point where I can say just that, because I feel that is just what is happening. I am His to do with as He pleases. And He is MINE!!

Blog # 39

I have been busy and hurting, so needless to say I haven't kept up like I should. But I am thankful that God makes a way for change and even a way to feel better.

I have been having a lot of pain in my hip that I expressed in my last blog. But since then I found out that my tumor marker numbers doubled. How funny that something like a bad report can feel like a physical assault. We were rather calm when my oncologist expressed the news. He was very concerned and set up a change in hormone treatment immediately. But Ben and I were really calm. I just feel so strongly that not only is God in control, but I just know that He is sooo much bigger than cancer. I have been praying a lot lately, not just about cancer, which you would think that is all I pray about. I have really been opened up by Him and examined from one side of my soul to the other. There is a whole other level of trust that I have reached with Him and I am so thankful that I almost don't know how to put it into words.

My tumor marker numbers reached the 200's. We walked out to the car and discussed what that must mean. If God wants to take me home, woo! hoo!! But if I can stay a little while longer I would be very grateful. I truly believe that He has a plan for me, something I need to do before I go. I feel it down to my toenails. I know all too clearly that He could take me home at any minute. But for some reason I feel like I am supposed to tell people about what I have been through. Not just cancer, but how He has healed me in mind, spirit, soul and body. He needs the glory for it all. After praying and crying in the car there was a peace that passed all understanding. Can I trust a God who made me and allowed my body to be eaten up by cancer? I hear a resounding "YES" !!!

I went the following Tuesday and started my new hormone therapy. It was a double shot, one in each hip! YUCK!! It was a thick oil that felt like I got punched on both hips! I had to miss work!! But, I have been feeling much less pain the past two weeks. I am hoping that is a good sign. But regardless, I will do better when God wants me to do better. I don't feel worried.

So I am doing as much as I can naturally and leaving all the rest to God. I should say I am doing all I can naturally and God will use it if He wants to accomplish His will and He will receive the glory for it all.

I have no new pain anywhere, and I have actually decreased in pain in my hip. I have no explanation except God. I am trusting Him with my life, I am His and He is mine. How thankful I am!!

This week I woke up with a pain in my back under my left shoulder blade. It felt like a crick in my back and it got worse till I had to miss work and lie flat on my back. Of course there were a few that panicked and said, "Cancer?"

I said of course not!! And three days later after some muscle cream and a heat pad I'm back to work. God is still good!! Just a reminder! LOL!!

So tomorrow I head back in to the office and next week I go back for two more shots. I am hoping that it won't hurt so bad, but if it does, I'll just deal with it and be thankful I can still walk. :)

I will try to keep the updates more current, but no worries :) God is the one taking care of me!! :)

Blog #37

I have been working with Ben and have been enjoying the time with him. It has been nice to spend time with him, but my hip is not happy with this weather. I get up early to do all of my "routine" and the days that bad weather is coming in or it is bitter cold....it is horrible!! Of course that is when the mental battle is the worst! I had a true moment of "God in this place" that is exactly what I needed. Knowing that He takes the time to let me know that He loves me and is going through every little detail with me and doesn't like it when I hurt, it is an incredible feeling to know that He loves me that much! I try to tell others as much as possible, that He loves them with the same passion and will do the same for them, I hope people will listen. He has truly shown me that He is going to take care of me. I'm exceedingly grateful. For whatever reason, my cancer doesn't want to die quickly. This is my path, I will walk it.

I went to the doctor today and (by the way, he is AWESOME!!) he told me how my scans turned out. I have no new cancer anywhere....soft tissue or bone. And all the cancer that is in my bones has not grown. He said my tumor marker numbers have increased though. The tumor marker numbers are a record of the activity of cancer in my blood. It is usually how doctors keep track of the activity inbetween scans. Even though they have risen, there is still nothing else anywhere, so he wants me to change my hormone treatment to see if that will help. I am just amazed that with how agressive my cancer is that it hasn't popped up everywhere. I just want to see it decrease. I realize that I have changed a lot of my life with the move and it has been stressful, I know that will effect me. I'm hoping that once we can get on our own and get settled it will get me back on track. But invetitably it is in God's hands. I am thankful to know that, no I am overjoyed to know that!!

I had a chance to go to Dickson last weekend with a co-worker. She was going to her neices graduation and asked if I wanted to hitch a ride. I was thrilled! I didn't get a chance to see tons of people because I was riding with others but it was good to see the few I could. I really miss everyone. It is always hard getting to a new place and trying to plug in or root. There are some days where we get a little down, with not being able to see everyone that felt so much like our family. I am trying to focus on my kids and fighting this cancer. Do you ever want to think on other things? ......yeah, me too.

My best friend came to visit this weekend and it was wonderful to see how God is working in her life. It definitely encouraged me, in so many ways!! She wants me to read "Captivating" by John Eldredge. I found it at a used book store and already I am enthralled! Thanks Lady!!

Well, I'm off to bed. I'm tired, it's been a long day and I have another day to fight tomorrow. But God has gone before me and prepared the way. Thank goodness!!

Blog #36

I had a rough week this week. It is hard to deal with the mental attacks, and sometimes it feels constant. My hip has been giving me some pain and it has made me feel so stressful. When you have cancer it is always first and foremost in your mind when there is any pain in your body. It screams at you, "it's the cancer!!!!". It is right irritating! Needless to say I was feeling like the cancer was reaking havoc in my body and every time I started to hurt it was like a siren went off in my head, "See, it is the cancer and it is still growing. You are going to die and it doesn't matter what you do to fight it."
I know that fighting this is something that I need to do mentally more than anything else. And the incredible thing is that I got to see God moving in the smallest, most significant ways this week. That He loves me enough to do these things to let me know that He still cares for me and wants me to trust Him, is overwhelming!!
I had people call, people come up at church, texts sent that people were praying for me. I was worried that people weren't praying as much since we are in E. TN but God difinitely showed me that He still has people praying for me....how loved that made me feel!! I even received a card from someone I don't know, letting me know that she is praying for me!! I needed it so much that I was a huge crying, grateful mess!!! I made Patsy pull out Joseph and play the song that he sings while in the dungeon. "You know better than I" Wow. I don't need to say anything else. I am so thankful that He loves me and is taking care of me!!!
It gets hard and He never said it would be easy, I am just so grateful that He will go through it with me. I don't want to go through this alone :) (i'm not strong enough by myself)

Blog # 35

It has been a pretty crazy month! We are settled in at my in-laws, but the snow has kept us snowed in for three weeks! I started looking for a job just because it is important right now for us to get back on track and move out, but I knew if I got one it would totally be the Lord's will. Well guess what? God works out things that I have no understanding of and yet I can see Him moving. Ben called me late one night before he headed home and asked if I would like to work with him. Well, for me the ideal work environment would be to work with him!!! So I got up the next morning and headed in with him to work. It has been crazy with snow and I have only been there for five half days but I am so excited that God worked out something for me to do....now I will explain why it meant so much to me.

I have been struggling with aching bones since I fell a couple of weeks ago. And I am sure it is easy to understand that when anything hurts in my body I immediately think..."Cancer!" Well, being in someone elses house with nothing to do.... and my kids struggling with the same thing, it is very wearing emotionally. I found myself getting depressed. I was trying desperately not to , but it would creep up on me and I just couldn't hold it back. I was to the point where I was getting ready to talk to my husband about it because I did not know what to do. But God did. If there is something I can focus on, or even contribute with, it helps me so much!! My personality type is not one to focus on me with a "woe is me attitude" I just want to help, be productive, etc. I know I need to focus on getting better, but my mental state is extremely important and it helps me so much to be able to do something. I loved being in Dickson because I could focus on teaching, encouraging others, being supportive to others, here we aren't plugged in so I was feeling emotionally "not" anchored. Now I can go to work with a Christian boss and co-workers who are very sweet and understanding, and I can see the relief on my husbands face. I am contributing and yet I do nothing strenuous and work at my own pace!! How incredible is God to work out such details just for me!!?

On the flip side my kids have been job hunting but our vehicle has had some issues but we can't fix them till the weather is a little better so we can get under the engine. So their search stopped cold. And yet I know that all things work out the way they do for a reason. And the neat thing, they both realized it as well. They were all having cabin fever this weekend so we got up early Saturday and left together and just drove around Johnson City. We went to all kinds of stores and even went to the mall. We found a huge used book store that we all just loved! We were so happy! When I got home last night I could barely keep my eyes open! Then when we got up for church this morning I was hurting so bad I couldn't sit still in the pew. I had to stand half way through the service, so you know the devil was all over that!! Again, that irritating voice..."Cancer! Cancer!....." Urgh!! It made me just want to yell, "You loser!! I know the REAL Physcian!! SHUT-UP!!!!"

Just a reminder to the devil and all of his friends, I am Christ's and He is mine. That's it in a nutshell. And it is nice to say it out loud every now and again. :)

So, my youngest has been out of school since Dec. 10th. The snow was bad in Dickson before we left so he missed his last week of school when they were having testing. Thankfully he didn't need to test because he had straight A's. So we go to enroll him here and found they were out of school that week as well and there was no point for him to enroll the first week of Jan. because they would just be testing and he would have nothing to do. But here came the snow! He has been out for over a month!!! Nice Christmas BREAK!!! He is happy, and yet cabin fever is rampant! He is actually looking forward to school just for some variety!! LOL!!!

I found out this past week that a dear friend of mine from H.S. died this week. He was only 43. It made me sad and nostalgic. His life dealt some unfortunate circumstances that made me feel sad for him and his family. Just when I start to get overwhelmed with my circumstances God brings to my attention someone else who needs some prayer cover. If any of you know David Parker, please keep his family in your prayers. He passed away this week and was entirely too young! He will be remembered and loved by sooo many!!

Blog # 34

I have had a wonderful Christmas and New Year! I have settled in at my in-laws and am fully back in my normal routine. My youngest starts school on Monday and my two oldest officially go job hunting on Monday as well. It is hard to share a home even if it is with someone you love so much. So we are doing everything we can to give them there space back and get on with out own home and living. I am looking forward to getting a place where we can have a hobby farm again. I would like to have some fresh eggs and free-grazing chickens. Maybe even some grass fed beef...that would be sooooo awesome!! We are definitely praying for God to give us a place where we can have some natural food to raise on our own. But He has been so good to us, I feel like He will definitely open that door for us.

My sister-in-law has been such a wonderful source of encouragement with soooo much information and knowledge. I am very thankful to be here! I have had other family members ask about my juicing and diet and I am doing everything I can to inform everyone who wants to know how to be more healthy and hopefully they will never have to go down this road. But ultimately, God is in control. It is totally Him that has kept me here this long and if we are willing to eat right and know and trust Him? We can be cancer free as well. I don't want people to think it is just what I am doing, it is totally God.

I have found that some days I feel slow and down and maybe my hip will be hurting but then I read in scripture or hear about someone doing much worse than me and I realize that He loves me! He has done so much for me and my family, to take care of us, to provide for us, to not just meet our needs but to give us our wants as well! The sadness can't stay! I am His, my children are His, my husband is His. How wonderful to know that no matter what happens, we are going to be taken care of!

Well, my husband is working and almost done with classes. We are ready for him to be selling, and we are ready to be back to normal. But until then....we wait for God's timing and know that it is perfect.

Happy New Year! I am still here! And God Is Good!!!!!!!!!!!